A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I went on a girls night out a few weeks ago, had a good time, had fun, but unfortunately I couldn't resist the advances of a good-looking Lothario, and I slept with him. I didn't plan to sleep with him but was under the influence at the time.A sexual health check revealed I was safe, thank God.I found out a few weeks later I was pregnant (I'm actually 5 weeks pregnant), and I think the Lothario might be the father - I doubt it would be my husband considering he has had little interest in sex recently.I had the man's phone number, and phoned him, told him I might be pregnant by him but he said "I'm not interested, babe, I couldn't care less if you're pregnant!"I told my husband, and he was so forgiving, he said "It happens. You get under the influence and sleep with people. I did when I was a teenager. You didn't plan or want to cheat on me."How can he be so forgiving of this? I didn't expect that at all!He also said he was glad we have a son, even if it's another man's, and I told him I tried to contact the man I slept with. He said I'd done all the right things, but I can't help feeling guilty.Please help me - this whole situation is making me feel edgy, nervous and sad a lot of the time.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Interesting that you were told it was a boy at 5 weeks. Generally, gender can't be determined until at least the 18th week.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 I guess the reason he has been so forgiving is because he must really love you (or he has a secret of his own, although that seems unlikely). Some people have different views on cheating, for some it is a deal breaker so when it happens then thats it, game over. But for others they can get past it in certain situations, it all depends on personality.
Your husband will probably see it as just a drunken mistake that you had no intention of doing in the first place, and mistakes can be forgiven. But I think you need to ask yourself some questions off the back of this - why did you choose not to resist this other man's interest in you? Why did you get his phone number (that seems like you were looking for more than 1 night with him).
In my opinion (this is just based on what you have said so please let me know if I'm wrong), you cheated not just because you were drunk but also because you are feeling unsatisfied in your marriage. You say your husband is not interested in sex - that is a big warning flag! You must be feeling unsatisfied sexually, unattractive and unwanted. Therefore when a man came onto you, who made you feel sexy and alive again, you craved that intimacy so you went with it. It wasnt the drink at all that made you do it (the drink just gave you the confidence and released all your inhibitions), the real reason was because you are having problems in your marriage.
There is no shame in admitting that, cheating is almost always a sign that there a problems in a relationship (normally ones that have not been spoken about and ones that are being brushed under the carpet).
So now your husband has done a pretty amazing thing and forgave you, but you cant ever cheat again if you want this relationship to work. But what about the next girls night out and the next sexy man that comes on to you? Why will you resist him and not the last guy? In reality, you will give in to temptation again unless you sort out the problems in your marriage. Get talking to your husband, get all your issues out there in the open! Talk about your lack of sex, there will be reasons for it and you need to sort it out for the marriage to survive. All your problems will be so much worse once the baby comes along so you need to get them sorted now!
If you are not great at communicating or always end up arguing when you talk then maybe relationship counselling may help, Relate are the place to go for that. I actually think you should get some counselling regardless of the outcome of any conversations you have, I think your husband will be hurting deep down and he isnt telling you, so having a therapist work with you both will help him to express how he is feeling.
Couples can survive an infidelity however it takes a lot of work, a lot of talking and complete honesty from both sides. Relationship counselling will be the best thing for you both, even if you or your husband feels you dont need it.
As for the baby, I'm wondering how you know it is a boy after 5 weeks? Has the doctor worked out all your dates yet so you can be 100% certain who the father is? I'm suprised you want to keep the baby (unless you have strong views on that then I apologise), it will be a permanent reminder to you and your husband of your cheating. While your husband says he is happy about the child, no man honestly wants to bring up another man's child. Men are very protective over what is "theirs" and they dont want anything to do with something that is not theirs. He wont fully love that child the way a father should, and the real dad will be in the childs life, making it harder. While the real dad doesnt care right now that your pregnant, he will have a few months to think about it and will most likely change his mind in the future about his involvement.
So I wonder why you want to keep the baby after all that? Would it not be better to work on your marriage first, have a year or two getting things back on track with your husband and then the two of you can try for a baby of your own? I know it is a horrible thing to have to go through, and there are risks. But at the same time is it not a bigger risk to keep the child and endure all the potential problems it will cause?
You need to do a lot of talking with your husband, dont accept that he is fine and that he has forgiven you, he will most certainly be hurting and it is not good for him to keep that bottled up. You also need to do some thinking yourself, about what could happen in the future with this baby. Be prepared for all outcomes - the real father coming back into the child's life, your husband leaving you because he cant cope/doesnt love the child the way he should, you being a single mum.....there is a strong chance all of this could happen!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jason32477 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Relax.Not everyone will dump you just because you made an error of judgment.If I was your husband I would probably react in a similar manner.Why? Because you were honest enough to tell the truth,and I know from my past that we are all capable of mistakes.Even though you made a mistake you kept trust.Had I found out about you cheating from anywhere but your lips I would have dropped you like a hot potato.But because you were open and honest loving you makes it easy to forgive you.(Just don`t think you can make it a habit).And because I found out from you I can still trust you.So feel blessed that you have such a loving husband , and be good to him.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (17 July 2009):
 wow you should thank your lucky stars hes so forgiving and understanding but hes rte any way hes your husband hes supposed to forgive you you didnt have chilldren can your husband have chilldren i think oyu need to talk with him about that ie your sex life cause your not that old you guys should be getting it on regularily there might be somehting wrong medically why he cant perform it could be killing him inside if you love him you will help him and take intrest in him not just run out to the local bar you have a good man stop abandoning secondly stop feeling guilty its done its over with to erase your guilt care for your husband properly i guess you have a son if its a boy to raise so that will keep you in the house any way. whats a lothario oh and go through the legal channels for custody of this child you dont want this guy coming around ten years from trying to be in this childs life especially if your husband is willing to exept him get him to relenquish his rights as a parent legaly if you can track him down
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Wow, you have one hell of a nice, decent, and understanding guy for a husband! Do you want to have another guy's baby when you have such a fantastic man as a partner? Are you sure it's not your husbands, is there any way that you can check DNA before the baby is born? I'm not surprised you feel guilty, and I would imagine that if you go ahead with the pregnancy and the birth, that your bad feelings will increase as time goes by if the child turns out to be the Lothario's offspring. Your husband must really love you to accept all of this, but he sure doesn't deserve it. I'm not judging you, I just think maybe you need to think about the impact this could have on your relationship with your husband and take all options into account. I wish you the very best of luck in dealing with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): First of all, you could have resisted the advances of Lothario. He didn't rape you. You chose to sleep with him. There are many woman who actually have no choice, and it is wrong of you to pretend their agony is yours.Your husband is, in my view, a wimp. You committed adultery. It may not have been a premeditated act, but you were grossly irresponsible. He is enabling your behavior by protecting you from the consequences of your despicable action. But it's his choice, his marriage, not mine. You have a duty not to abuse his trust and forgiveness. I doubt you will, however. In all likelihood, however, you won't. A decent human being wouldn't have done this at all. I expect you will repeat this behavior and come crawling back each time. The adulterer is rarely satisfied with violating a marriage once.You will have a child. You are responsible for that life, because you brought it into this world. Lothario also did it, but has washed his hands of the consequences. A good-looking coward--well, that's nothing new. Be better than that. Hopefully you will prove a better mother than wife.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (17 July 2009):
Firstly, as your husband has been so forgiving i think you need a bit of a telling!You should be ashamed of yourself for cheating on your husband and for not using any protection!secondly you should thank your lucky stars that you have such an understanding husband! i have never heard of a man be so understanding in these circumstances!Ask yourself Why did you contact the man who could be the father first? what was you hoping for him to say?Lastly there doesn't seem to be any real question that you are asking, from what i can see you have done a dreadfull thing and got away with it by telling the truth to everyone so it might just be best to accept that along with the guilt that goes with it.there is nothing more you can do or any advice that can be given as you have had a very lucky escape.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (17 July 2009):
You're husband is being a little to cool headed about all of this, there's something else there that you don't know about.He may be cheating himself and now that you've done it as well and are pregnant because of it he's relieved and feels justified. Nobody takes being cheated on this well, nobody.Did he seem relieved when you told him about the affair and baby? If so I bet he's been stepping out on you too.And if he's not been cheating, then you should worry because he's planning the worlds largest revenge on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): Your hubby is very understanding, but seems like one of the loveliest people in the world. He's explained to you why he understands, but you should just make sure he is ok with it all, you know, double checking for your reassurance. Well that lothario sounds like the biggest jerk in the world, but he is the father and he should take responsibiity. He'll probs want to be more involved when the baby is older-you need to make sure everyone is ok with that.Also, question why you feel nervous, but it seems you are just guilty and shocked by his kindness, anyone would be. Remember the key is communication, talk evertything through and your answers will become apparent.
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A
male
reader, Harry Castle +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Whether this "fuck-and-fuck-off" merchant wants to know or not, you will have a claim on financial support from him for the next 16 years.
Contact the C.S.A. as soon as possible, if he won't enter into a voluntary arrangement.
Although your husband seems happy to accept the situation at present, you cannot be sure he always will, and 16 years is a long time.
DNA checks will prove parenthood, and this "Lothario" is obliged to pay for his child until he/she is 16.
Harry.
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