A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just found out my wife has a tonne of porn on her laptop. We have an ok sex life having sex about 2 times a week but many times she turns me down.I noticed she seldom goes to bed the same time I do and comes to bed really late like 2am. Her excuse is that she falls asleep on the sofa. Really she is watching porn and masturbating. :(Is this normal? What should I do?
View related questions:
her ex, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GipperGuy  +, writes (31 October 2011):
My wife has online boyfriends and plays with them all day. She tells me everything she does and even records her antics. I have found that now she is masturbating about 5 times daily she is hornier than ever at night. I have watched her masturbate with her bfs many times and it is hotter than f**k. we always make out after she is finished. She also has a guy we know come over to f her 1-2 times a week, which i fully encourage. Why do i allow this? Life is short, I think why deny her the experience she wants.I get sexual satisfaction knowing she is masturbating alot and getting more (protected) sex than the average girl.I know I will have critics, but we are having alot of fun.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): I am a woman and I do like watching porn, alone, without my boyfriend to know about that. I think that many people haven't given thought to one specific idea: WHAT kind of porn is she watching? Are there just regular scenarios or it involves some kind of fetishism, or something more hardcore, or considered deviating, like bondage, restraints, domination and submission, or some types of fetishes? Maybe she has bizzare sexual preferences that turn her on and she knows or she considers you wouldn't agree with that. I, for example, like bondage porn and I'm very shy in talking with my partner about it because when i tried to give hints in this direction he seemed not to like the idea, nor the idea of power play.Maybe it is just her way of introducing other types of fantasies in her life, that she feels she can't tell you. I think you should just try and talk and ask her wether she reaches orgasm when you have sex or if she has some scenarios or fantasies that she wants to try. Don't accuse her and don't make her feel bad, assure her that you will listen to her needs and you want her to have the best time in bed. I wish you a lot of success!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I watch porn alone and I prefer it that way. I regard it as something personal and it wouldn't be the same experience if someone else watched it with me. But hey, different strokes for different folks. I don't think your wife watching porn is a problem itself but if you feel you are being neglected in favor of it, maybe you should tell her how it's making you feel. Some people prefer porn to actual sex for xx reasons. Talk to her about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Is it a problem for you? If it is, then you need to discuss this with her.
...............................
A
male
reader, citic101  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 what type of porn does she watch ? do you ever watch porn on the DVD ? Now you know she watches porn buy what she looks at on the net and watch it together and masturbate together. They you get more sex she gets to watch porn and your all happy
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 If my partner was being secretive, and hiding the fact that she watches porn and masturbates over what she watches, or what fires her imagination, then so be it. As long as we still had a level of sexual intimacy that satisfied both of us, there would appear (to me) to be nothing worth worrying about.If I felt she was turning me down and preferring to masturbate, then I would simply open a new line of communication to discover where I was failing. Sex is a two way act, all about give and a small amount of take. So I would want to know exactly what I could do to get her to bring her laptop to bed, instead of being secretive. It may be that your wife is simply really embarrassed and shy about masturbating in front of you, or about the fact that you 'know' what she is doing. Tell her you don't mind what she is doing (why should you?), but you'd like her in bed with you while she does it. Turn your back, turn the lights out, do whatever it takes to get her to feel comfortable. She may have a problem admitting to you that she watches porn, that it turns her on, and that she masturbates. I don't know, I'm only exploring the possibilities. Whatever the reason, you have to spend some time gently persuading her to bring her laptop, the porn, the masturbation, into the bedroom, and say the bed is the best piece of furniture for 'falling asleep' on.Other than that, I guess you can continue to check the computer, find out what she watches, and buy porn of that nature. Watch it in bed WITH her, and guage her reactions. Best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009): who said its not normal? dear me...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): OP again, Beingblack, obviously she doesn't want to include me as she is sneaking and doing it after I go to bed.
I mentioned it to her and she denied looking at it at all so I let it go.
Would you still be ok with it if your girl was sneaking and doing it and didn't want to include you and is lying about it?
What would you do?
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (29 June 2009):
No, it doesn't bother me personally at all. In fact, I buy my partner's toys, watch her masturbate, I know she does it a lot without me. We have sex two/three times a week, depending on our moods. Her pleasure is paramount, and I enjoy the knowledge that she is having a great time, with me, or on her own.If she was refusing sex, or not iniating sex, then I would wonder why. I'm very lucky. Don't feel too insecure about her masturbation. Remember that you do it too, and probably orgasm quite quickly while you do it. It's the same for women, they know the right pressures, the right places, and apply the right mental images to have great orgasms. Re-assure her that she does not have to do it in secret, and get her to bring her laptop to bed. You can see what REALLY turns her on, or at least what she watches. Like I said earlier, if she doesn't want to include you, then there is a different problem to consider.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): This is the original poster. Thanks for the replies. I think she is doing it after I go to bed because of the dates and times on the cache.
To the men, so this wouldn't bother you at all if your wife or girlfriend was doing this in secret alot more times than we have sex a week?
...............................
A
female
reader, babymama99  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I don't think this is abnormal at all. the same way a man can look at porn and get off, a woman can do the same thing. most times a women is just better at not being discovered watching it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (29 June 2009):
I think this is fairly normal. My current partner of 17 years hates porn, but masturbates a lot. Previous girlfriends have really loved porn. I am not a massive porn fan, but I would never complain, or restrict a partner from her computer or DVD.Lots of men watch porn and masturbate. Consequently I should imagine that lots of women do too. I slightly disagree that men have a higher sex drive than women. I think the porn market is primarily aimed at men, thats why more men watch it. So there seems to be a problem if your wife's sex drive is high, but she prefers porn and masturbation than sex with you. I am wondering how you know she masturbates. She says she falls asleep. You don't believe her?Seems like a calm, collected discussion is required. She has found something that excites her a lot, maybe in a way that you do not. The trick is not to be jealous or unhappy in any way, but instead to celebrate that fact with her. Ask her to bring her laptop to bed, so that you can watch too. That way, you can become a little more involved in whatever keeps her up late, if she allows it. If not, then there might be a little more to it. One ex of mine was a little like this. We would have (what I considered) mind blowing sex, but often during the night, I would wake up to feel the duvet and bed moving as she masturbated. So I would go back to sleep, fuming. For months I thought I was doing something wrong, and I was. She simply wanted me to pull her hair back on her head, as if I was making a pony tail. She did this as she masturbated, and wanted me to do it as she orgasmed, but who knew? In your case, it may be something very simple like this, and I hope it is. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Speaking as a woman, YES this is normal.
But I mean normal as in, lots of women enjoy porn. By themselves. Just like guys. I know I can get down on some porn solo. But, it seems like (as in many cases with men), that she is perhaps beginning to prefer the porn to you - maybe there is something missing in your sex life, or maybe she is harboring some resentment for something in your relationship. Maybe she's got some secret fantasies that you aren't fulfilling, or that you CAN'T fulfill (like - you are super skinny and she's into really big guys). Twice a week isn't bad, but if you feel like your sex life is really going downhill...
You need to talk to your wife. Openly, honestly, calmly. Don't go in to a conversation being accusatory and raging, that will just put her on the defensive and make her pull farther away from you. This conversation should bring you closer. And don't be afraid to do something more intense, like finding a good sex therapist who can help bring you both to the same page sexually.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, MansonGroupie +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Hmm, I suppose it depends really.
I absolutely adore porn but, as my boyfriend (who also love porn) has stopped watching it while I'm not around, I've also stopped.
Maybe you could suggest watching it together? Ask her about her fantasies?
She could just be embarrassed about letting you know...it's not something that most women do after all.
If something is lacking, perhaps you both need to talk and establish where the problems lie and work towards a healthy porn/sex life that you'll both get the most enjoyment from.
I do think that staying up to watch porn whilst your're not in the room/are in bed is out of order, especially if it happens on a regular basis.
I think you have to ask.
Best of luck.x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Based on questions and answers on this board and other boards, this is not normal for women. However, there are some women who have said that they watch porn alone. Both my first and current wives watched/watch porn with me at times, but neither have watched it alone. It is much more common for guys to watch porn alone than for women to do it.
The main reason that guys watch porn alone and masturbate is that most guys have a higher sex drive than women do. That is probably because of men having much higher testosterone than women have.
I have read occasional posts by women where they are the ones who want sex more than their male partners, so it does happen that some women are not getting enough sex in a relationship. From your comment about her turning you down this does not seem to be the case though.
The other thing is the quality of your sex. Men almost always have an orgasm, but a lot of women don't reach orgasm during a sex session. Does your wife always have an orgasm when you have sex? If she doesn't, have the 2 of you talked about this. If she isn't having an orgasm most of the time then she is using porn and masturbation to allow herself to reach orgasm. Not having an orgasm can leave both a man and a woman being left unfulfilled and unrelieved. A person is left aroused, but never gets a chance to come down from that arousal high.
If she is not having orgasms then you need to try something different in your sex life, like giving her oral sex. A lot of women can only have an orgasm that way and others have their best orgasms with oral. My wife is like that, so I always give her oral as part of our sex and occasionally even do nothing but that.
I'm not accusing you of being a bad lover. It is just that you didn't give enough information to help me understand why she might be turning to porn. Perhaps she is just addicted to it, like some men become addicted to porn. Perhaps it is because she is not happy with your sex lives for some reason. You need to talk to her to discover what the reason is. You could also give us a little more information on the quality of your sex lives so that we can better understand the situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I love porn and often keep what I like the most on my hard drive. What I keep is what I fancy or what I like to do to a woman meaning that someone could look at my collection and know my fantasies.
If you would study what she likes, maybe you could figure out a way to materialize her fantasy. She might not look at porn as often if she's able to experience it in real life.
Does it mean there's a problem with your sex life? Not necessary, sometime there's things that we would like to try but we're too shy to ask for it. Sometime, we just like to masturbate.
There's many reasons for someone to do so. It's rarely to be hurtful towards someone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Speaking as a woman, NO this is not normal.
Have you tried speaking to her about it.
Maybe theres something lacking in your relationship or sex life.
Good luck and please let us know how you get on.
...............................
|
