A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My 46 year old wife is going through the menopause and has lost her sex drive to the point she has no desire for me or any other man on earth. I asked her to use her hand or to give me oral sex and she refused. She told me to find a woman that is willing to have sex with me now and then, but to remember that I'm still married to her. She gave me a name of woman we know who she said would probably go along with it. I have a choice of my own but she is a very old unattached friend. Would it be wrong to ask an old friend to start a monogamus sexual relationship with my wife's permission? I am not wanting to be with more then 1 woman sexually because I am afraid of STDs. I know my friend is sexually safe, she's not very attractive, but does maintain her health and does have a fairly nice figure for a woman of 50. For some reason I would rather be sexually safe and with a woman I like and trust. I do not want her to feel strange about me asking. Is this a bad idea?
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male
reader, JoJoman  +, writes (14 October 2014):
Man you don't know how lucky you are. When my marriage went sexless 20 years ago I begged my wife for an open marriage but she refused and now almost two decades later neither of us has had any sex. I'd go for it before she changes her mind.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): I am in my late 40s and my long term partner has been impotent since he had prostrate treatment followed by radiotherapy. We used to enjoy a wonderful sex life, and I found it very hard to adjust to being completely without sex, althgouh I had no intention of leaving him. We discussed it for a long time, and eventully he came round to the idea of me having a sex buddy. I managed to find online a man in a very similar position (his wife is wheelchair bound by arthritis and lovemaking had become very painful for her).
I admit that I find it a huge "release" of sexual tension now that I can have a sexual experience every week or two, and I find I am much more at ease with myself. I reassure my partner on a regular basis that our own relationship is the most important thing to me, and after a somewhat nervous start he is comfortable with that, and indeed has become very surpportive of me.
We are all agreed that this arrangment helps all of us to sustain our existing loving partnerships, and that our "buddying" can go no further than the 2-3 times a month that we get together: this was the "golden rule" that we all promised each other on day 1. So it may seem strange, but it works for us - althgouh I haven't yet had the courage to tell my friends about us. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, KarenT  +, writes (23 March 2010):
I'm now 51, I've gone through the menopause and eventually I completely lost my sex drive. Although we've been together for nearly 30 years, we still love each other, but this was driving my hubbie mad, and I was beginning to see the strain in him and in our relationship. Bedtimes were becoming a nightmare, not physically, but because I knew what he wanted and and I knew he was perpetually sexually frustrated. I reached the stage where I didn't dare hug him because I knew he'd want more than I wanted to offer, and it was at this point I realised we'd got real trouble storing up.
We talked for some time about him seeing escorts or finding a sex buddy, and I must admit I was very nervous about the idea. Eventually, 3 years ago he did find a sex buddy with a similar agenda (woman with impotent husband) and he sees her 3 or 4 times a month now. We talk about it regularly - not in detail, but about whether it is working for him in terms of physical and emotional satisfaction. I have to say he is much more relaxed again, good company, and he continues to be attentive, considerate and loving to me. So in our case, this relaxation of our own relationship rules has worked well so far. My biggest worry was that he would fall in love with her, but he does seem able to separate the sex from the emotional content better than I'd be able to, and maybe that's a guy versus girl thing.
So, I say, live and let live. If an unusal arrangement can work for you, who are we to criticise it? Compromising is usually better than divorce, which is nearly always a bad solution.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Believe it or not, there are many polyamorous marriages out there. If she is testing you, then perhaps you need not stay with a partner that plays games with your needs. It is incredibly selfish for a partner to not fulfill an important facet of a relationship. You are effectively held hostage in a sexless marriage, with a partner that is not even willing to help fulfill your sexual needs in ANY way, shape or form. In my opinion it is rare for love(the type you would feel for a spouse) to exist without sex, but much more common for sex to exist without love. So it is possible to have a sex partner on the side, without betraying the one you love(if you have both agreed to this third party).
It is also sexist and unfair to villanize husbands for looking out for their own needs in a marriage. It is NOT selfish for a partner in a marriage to reevaluate the relationship if they feel that it is not a healthy union.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): I think its a great idea and wonderful of your wife to allow you this opportunity just for the purpose of sexual fullfillment. My wife and I also have that particular arrangement, whereas she is allowed to have a partner for sex whenever she wishes because I am not able to take care of her sexual needs because of a medical problem I have been dealt with the past 4 years. Its been 2 full years now and although we don't discuss her meetings in great detail I can tell by the brightness of her smile and the satisfaction in her personality that she is happy. There are no guilt feelings here on either of our minds and I love her, she loves me, as we have for more than 30 years now. So I am in complete agreement with the couple and their permissions regarding sexual satisfaction.
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A
female
reader, agony anuts rubby +, writes (6 December 2007):
 your wife is going though a bad time right now. if you love your wife you wouldnt think of having sex with someone eles. your wife needs you right now by her saying you can have sex with someone eles she dont mean it in her heart. she maybe scared she will lose you if you dont have sex together. so by her saying that she may think you will stay with her.i think she is depressed take her to see the gp they can help you out in many ways.
please please to god dont sleep with any one eles you will brake your wifes heart and may make your marriage very messy.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Ditto to what everyone else has said. I think your wife could be depressed. It's not easy to accept the changes that go along with menopause, and she needs your help. Having been life-long partneres, she needs you more than ever now. There are ways to keep her interest in sex up, but sleeping around isn't one of them, whether she said this or not.
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A
female
reader, kirsty_29 +, writes (2 December 2007):
 I am in agreement with what most people have said. I highly highly doubt that this is what your wife really wants. Menopause is a very unsettled time for a woman and she's obviously feeling guilty about not having an interest in sex.. I believe that supporting her through this time is major and why not take care of business yourself, you do have hands, buy some mags. Support your wife, I'm sure in time she will get back to where she's interested again. If not then why not seek some counseling or such.No matter what your wife says it will NOT turn out ok. It will cause more harm than good, I'm speaking with experience here, I have a few friends who tried just that and it ended disastrously, hurt, anger, bitterness.You've been married a long time, have respect and say no. If you really love someone and they matter to you then how could you even entertain the thought for even a few minutes?Do the right thing, love and support your wife, the intimacy will come back, work on it. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): I think you need to ride this one out, unless you want to end your marriage. She does not mean what she is saying, she is testing you. If you do it, she is already hormonal and emotional, she will never forgive you. She is not feeling sexy or good about herself right now. Make her feel special. Tell her why you fell in love with her. Spend some time remembering fun times, make her laugh. Tell her that sex is important, but you married your best friend and will wait for her and that you would never disrespect her by having sex with another woman. After all, isn't it making love when it is with your wife? If you are really contemplating having sex for sex with another woman, than you really do not love your wife. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your wife slept with another man because you could not perform and satifsy her? There could come a time...You need to find another avenue for getting sexually pleased...
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A
male
reader, KingLeo +, writes (2 December 2007):
 hey, I know she has no sex drive, but ask your wife if she would be ok with watching you and her friend. Tell her you would be incredibly turned on with her presence and would feel better if she was involved somehow because she IS your wife. If she is ok with this then shes not setting you up. She loves you enough to suggest a f-buddy, tell her you still want her involved in that part of your life. If shes not cool with the suggestion, shes not playing fair and you should STAY AWAY from the suggested woman. Not to say you should find a random skank however, that could be worse!! Its a slippery slope, good luck.
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A
female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (30 November 2007):
 If you sleep with another woman, it will be the END OF YOU MARRAGE! Dont do it.
She is probably testing you, menapausal women do some strange things, she may want to find out if you will stray or if you love her enough to ride out this increadably difficult time with her.
If you sleep with another woman, at the most difficult time of your wifes life, you do not deserve respect from any man woman or beast.
I cannot understand why you are even contemplating this! Dont you love her????
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): NO, NO, NO, NO, NO........................
She is hormonally unbalanced at the moment and you cannot take her comment seriously. DISASTER MY DEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): Of course it would be wrong. If you genuinely love this woman, keep letting her know that you crave intimacy with her and "only her." Get her to a doctor for a full check up. She needs help with her testosterone/hormonal levels. Gosh, this is your marriage. You talk about sex with these other women like you are 'buying a steak for the barbeque'. What a great risk you are undertaking? A lot of married men feel sad and resentful, when their wives are going through a huge life change such as menopause. It's an imposed celibacy they come to resent...very, very deeply. Sadly though, the same guy comes to stop loving his wife as well. A committed loving man who could never, ever fathom being with other women, no matter the sexual problems Why? Because his love for this woman he married, goes beyond the realm of sexuality. It compatability, it's companionship, it's committment..it's family..it's a long term life spent together. Help her and if you can't do that, then just cut her loose. .
I guess I find it sad, that your wife feels she has to give you 'this' permission to f**k other women, because she feels that all she is wanted for is sex. She is so much more than that. She has character, a personality, she stood by you all these years. And now, she is menopausal-her sexual desire has faded temporarily. There are ways to get back the intimacy..maybe not the sex right away but the love and tenderness can come back. So all I have to state, is if you are annoyed because she's not responding, she knows you may have stopped loving her. And let me tell you something. She does have a sexual desire. hidden deep down inside..it's a glimmer and all you need to do is just rekindle it. To some men, that's just a lot of hard work, efforts and if he isn't feeling the love for her, it's next to impossible. She's not dead inside or her need for intimacy is not gone. It's temporary. She needs your support, your strength to get her through this. I have a good friend who is menopausal right now, and she has a very active romantic life with her new man. She was married for 25 years to her husband and she had absolutely NO desire for him the last 2 years! Why? Not because of her menopause. It was because he forgot how to cherish her, how to keep building the love. All he wanted was his 'piece' and she knew it. Your wife may have stated she has no desire for "you or other men", but if the right man came along-she'd be able to find that spark again. Believe that. Any woman can do it-menopause or not. Your marriage is floundering, sir. So rather than putting your wife through the indignity of you boinking the family friend, why don't you just call it quits. You'd probably save yourself a lot of angst over this if you just accept that.
But let's set the record straight. Any man who really and truthfully was devoted and loved his wife...could never ever think about having sex with another woman. Your wife is retreating and I think she knows this is the beginning of the end, here. Just my opinion, guy...take it or leave it.
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A
male
reader, Dangly +, writes (29 November 2007):
i may be young, but i just lost the girl i love. And i know that if you do anything sexual that isnt with the one you love, you will regret it. There are other ways to get relieved, but the choice is up to you. Just think before you act, because you dont want to do something you will regret, like i did.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): I agree. Your wife may be feeling guilty because she doesn't feel like having sex, but doesn't mean you should be running out getting it. That's why the gods gave you hands.
She may get back to normal eventually, maybe not. If she used to have a healthy drive and it has disappeared with the menopause, it may return when it's over.
What if it were the other way around and nothing could make you want sex? Would you want your wife finding a sex buddy?
the menopause makes women right squirrily and they don't always make sane decisions. I should know...my mother was a right nutter when she went through it, and two women in my office are like nasty tigers being poked with pointy sticks.
Leave your wife alone, stop making her feel guilty for not wanting it. Use your hands and be an understanding husband. That will get you a lot further.
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A
female
reader, Gemini1506 +, writes (29 November 2007):
Err is the sky red? no and thats your answer
Why do peopl seem to forget marriage is about being with one person and that person alone, no matter how bad your situation is. your wife is going through menopause thats a girl term for crazy, if she actually realised what she was saying i think she'd slap herself. There are other ways you can get around it like counselling or talking to your doctor for some advice.
Situations like these always end up sticky
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2007): I think its a bad idea, although your wife is suggesting you do this.
I think that she might even be testing you, well if it was my hubby I would be testing him!.
I tell you what would be far better, is for you to stick to your wedding vows. In sickness and in health.....!!.
If you do go ahead with this I recommend that you do not do it with someone that you both know very well, as it will become very difficult. If it backfires you've both lost a friend and it can get very messy.
It's best to advertise for a like minded woman in a singles column. Make sure that you both get STI and STD tests done before you agree to become intimate,that way you both have piece of mind that the other is safe.
ok good luck in everything you do.
x
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A
male
reader, honeyross +, writes (29 November 2007):
 I seriously think you are entering dangerous ground by sleeping with this woman.
Your wife may be suggesting this friend because she feels that nothing will come of you seeing her, and she'd rather you do it with someone she knows, but you'll be complicating your marriage because you both know the woman and you may end up losing your friend, your wife, or even both.
It's probably best to find someone else who's prepared to have a no-strings casual relationship. As long as you wear protection, the chances of catching a serious STI are very low. The STI's that can be caught (unlikely) if you use a condom are easily treatable.
These are just my thoughts, but please remember that it's one thing to have casual sex, and it's another thing to have sex with someone you like.
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A
female
reader, clh91 +, writes (29 November 2007):
 hi,
i wouldn't say its a bad thing as she has given you permission but its whether you would be ok with whether you wouldn't feel guilty or anything coz ur not having sex with your wife.
hope i helped :)
all the best
xxxx
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