A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a very big problem about my past and I'm not sure how to handle it. My husband I are married almost 10 years, and together over 10 years. My husband thinks that I was not only a virgin when we started dating, but he also thinks that I was COMPLETELY innocent. He knows I dated other guys before him and he thinks I kissed and made-out with a few, but he thinks that it. I have never lied directly, but I guess I was very limited in what I told him about my past.1 serious ex-boyfriend (very serious if you know what I mean) from a long time ago just moved back into our neighborhood. He got our phone number from my parents. Now this guy, I'm not saying his name, has called a few times and wants to hook up for dinner or drinks and to talk. I keep blowing him off, but I need to figure out how to solve this issue.Do I meet up with the ex just to talk and tell him to stay away? Do I tell my husband I want to meet with an ex?I'm very afraid that my husband will find out that this ex-bf and I were a little more than just a few dates. He's the one who I gave my virginity to, and he's also the one who taught me how to perform oral sex on a man. My husband has no clue. He also has no clue that there were 2 other guys after this ex-bf before I met my husband. Do I just come clean and tell my husband my true past? I've been living a lie and I feel very sorry for my husband, but I guess after 10+ years, I've just forgotten it until this ex-bf contacted me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): This isn't very hard. First off, no contact with your ex, that's why he's an ex, and your past is none of your husband's business. You can't change your past sexual experiences. You all need to grow up fast and forget about this meaningless "who took my virginity" title.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): i, certain i willl be roasted by everyone but hey, thats life. heres my take on this situation:
you seem eager/anxious to meet your ex lover. why? do u feel that u may pick up where u left off? that u will be easy again and keep lieing to your hb?
i think BeingBlack has also picked up that u may be too interested in your ex again. i think u know if u meet up with him it wont just be for coffee , you will end up haivng sex with him. seems like u actually want this?????????
u say you did not lie outright? doesnt really wash with me honey. you lied by OMISSION. i am in the legal industry and i know the technicalities of lies. you deliberately withheld the truth and u conveniently been lieing for the past 10 years. seems like u hold your first lover in very high esteem. like u actually WANT more now??????
hun, u may try to convince yourself all u want about the so called half truths/not really lieing but when u search your soul you know what u did. it was a deliberate act, a conscious decision.
was the past 10 years a lie. only u can answer that.
even if u manage to get away with the first lover, u have 2 more that may spill your true sexual history. im a firm believer that when u tell 1 lie, you have to tell 10 lies to cover up that one. in your situation this is the truth.
what to do now???? dont ever meet with the ex lover. and hope and pray that your other 2 lovers dont ever surface.
why do i get the feeling that u have manipulated your hb right from the time u began with him? seems like u tell him what u want to tell him and u like to keep him in the dark. this speaks volumes of you as a woman. seems as though u dictate the terms of your marriage.
where/when will it all end. when u either cheat with your ex lover or when the other 2 surface.
i would never want to be in your hbs shoes. can u imagine having one perception of his spouse and then finding out what she was really up to? do u respect your hb? if u truly do then u will try to protect him FROM YOUR LOVER. dont know whther u are aware but men love to gossip about their sexual conquests. im sure he has shared a bit of info with his mates over a pint of beer. not too much of details but sufficient for them to know that he had u first. i dread the day u allow that man to humilitate your hb.
so OP u decide. the saying that our past always comes up to bite us in our @ss will be proven true. its only a matter or time.
you say your ex lover wants to hook up to have dinner and talks.........do u honestly think that is ALL he wants. Oh and dont be surprised that once he realises that u lied and continue to lie to your hb, that he will start blackmailing you for sex. u see OP people know how to get what they want and this ex lover may use any and all means to get u back in the sack. dont be a fool girl. make wise decisions bec up to know u have not. if u hook up with your ex well thn u can kiss your marriage goodby and your hb will hate you. forever. dont think u can collude with your ex.it will blow up in your face!!!!!!!
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 October 2011):
 Don't tell your husband anything because 10 years and a happy marriage are at stake here, in exchange for a certain truth that doesn't even matter now. You are faithful to your husband,you are committed to him and you have found your anchor in him. Why jeopardize all that for something like this? If the ex calls you, don't blow him off again. Tell him politely that you are married and you would rather not maintain contact with former boyfriends, thank you very much. You have your own life and the past is left behind and you don't want to re-think it in any way. There is no reason to meet up with him. You cannot be friends with your ex boyfriends. Be confident, don't EVER show him that you're scared seeing him and about what he might reveal. Casually mention this ex to your husband before the ex can call him or might bump into him. Tell your husband that this guy took your number from your parents but you've already told him to stay away from your life, because an ex is an ex for a reason. Your husband will be happy to know you've asked him to back off.If he's even creepier and still continues to harass you, inform the police. Don't ever let this ex talk you into "one last meeting" or any blackmails. You haven't done anything wrong, you just have a past like all of us here.But whatever you do, do NOT tell your husband. He will never understand although you know it meant nothing to you. Don't ruin what you have. Be strong.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (28 October 2011):
 Feelings are invested by both u n ur husband. therefore u risk jealousy n trust issues if u disclose any part of ur past with any man. Meet this ex for coffee not booze. Dont put urself at risk of anything. Tell him youre married and be direct n tell him you are happily married and not looking for even his friendship. Be firm n assertive. Dont know why ur phone number was just given out. I wouldnt be happy with that.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Sorry young lady, but you only have a problem here if you make it one. If (big if) you love your husband, and are not bored with your marriage, then tell this ex to get lost, as you are happy and content.
If (as I suspect) you are feeling a little excited, and a little nostalgic at the thought of meeting your ex again, then you have a real problem.
I think it is time to make your mind up. Either tell the ex to get lost, or risk what you have at home by meeting him for 'drinks'.
There is no need to tell your husband anything just tell the ex to leave you alone. The ball is firmly in your court.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Do what you need to, but DO NOT TELL your husband that you have lied to him for 10 years.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Also you are young for having been married for ten years. Any reason why your parents favored you ex and decided that it would be good idea for him to contact you?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 October 2011):
I definitely join the no, no advice. Tell the ex to take a hike and forget your past and carry on with your life. Your risk too much and almost certainly wont get the peace of mind you think you will get from fessing up.
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear +, writes (27 October 2011):
Such a shame you felt the need to lie all these years about virginity in order to feel "pure" or "worthy". That stigma is a load of BS in my opinion and is only relevant if BOTH involved are virgins. Virginity shouldn't turn him on he should enticed to touch you because of passion not because he wants to contaminate something. Hold your head up high and always remember that you are a wonderful woman.
Weigh your options here. Should you tell him consider what his response will be. He may loss all trust in you, not because of the virginity thing, but because you lied. And if you don't tell him you will have to continue to live with this secret only you and your partners are aware of.
You've been married for 10years, you marriage has become your life. Ultimately it's up to you how to live it, just make the the most healthiest choices you can, and try not to hurt others as much as possible. Yes sometimes the truth hurts, but if it will free your anxiety the do it. Best of Luck.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 October 2011):
 1. Do not tell your husband anything about this. Your desire to tell is only because you don't like lying, but actually it will not help your husband to know. It is not something that threatens him. It is something he is better off not knowing. It would change his world, and his view of you, and it is completely unnecessary.2. The next time the ex calls, tell him that you are really sorry but you are happily married now and your husband wouldn't be comfortable with you meeting up with an ex boyfriend. Say you are sorry but that's the way it is. Wish him well. He will understand that.3. Forget about this and the ex.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (27 October 2011):
 better your husband find out from you than the exboyfriend that is now in the neighborhood. better he find out from you than the exboyfriend calling or showing up at your house with explaining to do, or more covering up. besides you feel guilty now or you would not be posting for help, the truth that has been covered by a lie from your husband for 10 years i am sure has been a heavy load to carry. sure he will be hurt, but if he finds out from someone else it will hurt even more. if you keep covering up you will have to worry if, when,and how he finds out. i beleive you love and care for your husband or you would not be posting for help either. you will to decide to explain your motive for not being honest with him ( for not wanting to worry about losing him while dating) or keep things as they are. he loves you, and you love him .in the long run it would be best to pour out your heart and explain why you have kept things covered over for 10 years.it is hard to build trust with a lie.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Since you haven't actually lied to your husband, telling him the complete truth now, after all these years will either hurt him or make him feel like a fool so I would not open that can of worms if I were you. As far as the ex goes, I would talk to him once either by phone or email and be very short with him so that he gets I was not interested. tell him that you are happily married and under the circumstances don't think its right that you meet up. Exes need to be left in the past where they belong:)
Good luck to you hun, hope it works out for you
HUGS
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (27 October 2011):
 If he never asked and you never told him you werent completely honest, but you never lied.It's a difficult one but you need to decide if you should tell your husband, I'm sure you will feel relieved once you do, he may find it hard at first but after ten years of marriage, something like this shouldn't destroy it.I also disagree with the poster about your husband knowing, I had no pain and did not bleed either when I lost my virginity, and I actually don't know of any girls who have. Like the other lady I used to ride a lot as a teen, I'm not sure but I think the use of tampons can also break the hymen.One thing, I wouldn't get in touch with your ex - that will more than likely bother your husband more than the fact you had sex before you met him.Good luck with everythingK
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Why if you never told him you were a virgin would you husband think you are? IF you never lied to him then he never asked if you were... and you never volunteered which is just fine to be honest...
I'm reasonably sure you husband has wondered over the years where you got your oral sex skills. that really does have to be taught to some degree since the term blow job is very misleading.... (my daughter at 15 asking me what you blow on leads me to suspect that's not the only girl who misunderstood the term...)
@ABACADABA, I beg to differ but trust me I did not bleed when I lost my virginity. I did not have pain, I did not exhibit any signs of anything that would lead any man to assume I was NOT a virgin. I was but who knew... i mean years of running, tree climbing, horseback riding, swimming... tree fort building and tampon using had left me with no hymen...
Back to you OP... only YOU will know how this untruth will affect your husband and your marriage.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 After 10 years you forgot that you weren't a virgin when you married? I don't think so. You wanted to forget, and how you ended up in that lie in the first place I have no idea.
What to do now? Do you want to meet this ex of yours or not? If not, then just contact him and tell him that you aren't interested in meeting him and wish him all the best for the rest of your life.
If you do want to meet him why not just tell your husband that a man you used to date has contacted you and asked to meet up, and that for old times sake you want to meet for a coffee?
Don't tell your husband about the virginity thing. You've carried on a lie for over 10 years, it's too darn late to start coming clean now. By now it's better he never finds out. Ever. At all. He'll feel like an idiot for ever believing you and I don't know if he'll forgive you if you tell him you've lied to him for over 10 years. That's pretty rough. If you want to keep this marriage then keep quiet about your lies.
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A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (27 October 2011):
 OMG, shame on your parents for giving him your number. Have you ever heard the expression "The wolf has come knocking at your door". Keep it LOCKED. This smells of trouble. Let me tell you something about guys. They like things "easy". Meaning, your husband has to deal with the "day to day", this guy just wants to have fun. That's it! Don't ever call or text him. Listen to a woman who fell for my boyfriends roommate "falling" for her. They fought, then called me every type of ho in the book, then both married/left me for someone else. DEVASTATING. Also pretty disgusting he "taught" you how to do ----. And that's all he wants to do again. If you love your husband and your marriage, don't even peek out the peep hole if this guy comes 'round. Let me remind you of something, no man likes steak someone else has chewed on (that's what rats are for, seriously). Don't "confess" anything to your husband. Nothing has happened. I don't quite understand why your parents gave him your number?
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A
male
reader, Abacadaba +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Pretty sure your husband woulda twigged you wasnt a virgin when he 'took your virginity'? if you know what im saying? If not then he obv doesnt know about how that goes down, unless you told him you...well broke yourself in. Maybe after 10 years its time to tell him the truth, and tell him you said it for whatever reason you did, and that he was the one and wanted him to think you where all his. Unless he's not understanding or a stress head i doubt he's going to mind too much, might hurt a lil but better than him finding out from your ex bf speaking to someone down the pub and him hearing it on the grape vine.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 October 2011):
What you need to do is REALLY blow your ex off. Tell him NO, you will not meet up for dinner or drinks and that you do not want him to call you again. Done.
Honestly, 9 times out of 10 when an ex-bf wants to "meet for dinner or drinks and to talk" he has bad intentions. They're not just after friendship, if you know what I mean. Whether he's single or not doesn't matter, it's likely he wants to see if you still carry a flame for him. The best thing to do is to not avoid him, but directly tell him that you are married now and don't want any contact with him.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): I don't think it's as big of a problem as you do. My situation is basically the same as yours - my wife and I dated in High School and got married at 19. I wasn't a virgin when we first had sex but she believed I was. I've never told her different. We've been married 16 years.My recommendation would be to call the ex and tell him that you're glad to hear he's doing well but that you don't think it's wise for married women to maintain contact with former boyfriends and that you're happilly married and so it's nothing personal, "but I'm going to decline the lunch/dinner (whatever) invitation." After that, don't talk to him, answer calls, return calls, etc. If he contacts your husband and your husband suggests you get together with him as a couple, tell him that he already told him that you don't think maintaining contact with an ex boyfriend is appropriate and that you've already told the ex that. Your husband will likely be happy (even if secretly) to hear that.If the ex were to somehow be creepy enough to then tell your husband something about your "past," I hate to advocate lying, but in that circumstance I would deny it to protect your husband. Whatever you do, do not tell your husband. If you feel guilty, that's your own pain to carry. Do not crush your husband by making him feel like he's been betrayed for 10+ years, he'll never understand that it wasn't really a betrayal, it was just something that was immaterial and since it didn't come out at the beginning it was something that ultimately had to just be forgotten. You and I both know the others mean nothing to you, but he won't understand that and he doesn't deserve that, so you can never tell him that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Well, it seems like a part of you DOES want to meet up with your ex-boyfriend. Are you happily married? If so, what would be the reason for you meeting him up if you were perfectly content? Judging by context, I can tell you might not be extremely satisfied with your life and you DO want to meet up with your ex. For your information, you know that by doing this, you might dig up some old feelings for your ex inside and relive those past emotions. Knowing this, do you still want to meet him up? If you do, I'm all for it. First of all, you shouldn't have lied to him about your past from day 1. I don't understand what compelled you to do that. His beliefs of you are totally false. You can either continue the act for the rest of your days or confess the truth about your past. Think of it as a test. He should accept you for whoever you are. Everyone has a past. Its a lot better to be honest about it from day 1 than live a lie, but now you're stuck where you are.My opinion is to tell him about it, confess every little detail. If he gets upset and leave, he's probably not for you because he can't accept something you did so long ago? A little lie that made him happy and reassured him of your happiness together should not get in the way of your matrimony. He should be happy you are being open and truthful about it. It will make your relationship stronger.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (27 October 2011):
 OK, Your husband will not love the idea but many of us husbands have found out our wife was less than "pure" well after marraige BUT that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. duck the EX but don't worry too much about the truth. some of us have discovered the woman we married was not only experienced but had practically been the school 'backseat lover" if you know what I mean. Might have been better to just rip out an organ but we've made it for over 40 years so love prevails I guess.
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A
female
reader, missindependant39 +, writes (27 October 2011):
What the eyes don't see the heart don't grieve as the saying goes..I think that would be too much information for your husbands heart to bear
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Don’t tell your husband. Just tell the guy that you are married and he should stay away from you.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 That information might really upset your husband.
I suggest you have no contact with this ex. Tell him not to contact you again.
And don't tell your husband.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (27 October 2011):
How do you think your husband would respond? Maybe he will understand. A lot of couples have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Other couples like to know each other including their past to feel that they truely know each other. Only you know how your husband will respond but I would say this.. don't start lying now to cover your tracks, that would deceive your husband even more and I am sure he doesn't deserve that.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Sometimes peace of mind is worth alot. As i am sure you and your husband love eachother very much not to mention you have been together so long i am sure he will understand if you was not 100% honest about your sexual past. There are many people out there who have been innaccurate about there sexual pasts to their partners simply because they were worried of what they would think or they simply wanted to forget about it so its more common than you think. If you talk things over with him and say that you were sorry for lieing but you just can't get it out of your head and explain to him the situatation i am sure he will understand simply because your his wife. Discuss with your man what then to do about they ex you could go meet up with him just for a friendly drink or you could just tell him that you have moved on and don't want to talk to him. Whatever is good with you and your husband is great. I think its best you tell your husband as it would be ten times worse if someone else told him instead of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): Don't spill to your husband about the past.. and don't meet the ex bf... leave it alone.
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