A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:so i have a question can you ever get over and forgive your husband of 7 and a half years with 5 kids for cheating on you with your sister ? With u and his baby in the same room sleeping. and then not telling u all the story. Telling you bits and peices of it. i am still finding new stuff out three weeks later and all he keeps saying is he lied cuz he didnt want to hurt me. should i honestly believe him when he says he only did it cuz he was drunk he says it wasnt him it was the beer. He says he didnt know what he was doing but he remembers all the details. should i forgive him? and can i trust he will never do it again?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Right, the two arguing aunts can stop right now. Take it private if you'd like. There is no need to get snarky or nasty. If you don't like someone's advice, keep it to yourself, unless what they're proposing is illegal or dangerous, or is to your certain knowledge, incorrect and could lead to disease, infections or pregnancy.
Poster, if you'd like to post a followup on this question, send me a PM. Otherwise, we are done here. All the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): well considering the site... again the posts are not for you! grow up!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): my point was... the children have to come first... and if you are a child of that scenario it certainly shows. you are damaged.
btw.. children do love their parents unconditionally (when the parents let them).... were not talking young adults... but children...
read what i said in the first post.... that for the best interest of the children...children see things in absolute...
and if she were to cut the aunt out of her live who else s life does that effect? the children and that is absolute to them. and damaging.
also the first thing the court will do before they let you divorce is "COUNSELING" exactly what i suggested. Because for children a home together unless abusive is best for "them"... them not her.
this is not a decision to be made lightly and the fist decision is to have everyone calm down.
yes the damage is done, what they did was wrong.. my point of argument is to make it easier for the children.
whether or not she forgives is up to her... not us.
when i said...
also, there is not a single court in the world who would stop a father from seeing his children.... DUHHHH
why? because he didn't do anything to them... so punish the children because you cant deal... NICELOL
that's because they are facts... right along with the counseling. Not insults to you ! this is not about you!
you say-
"A child’s love is not a secured unconditional love. They may come to see the link between their mother’s hurt and their father’s selfishness. They may become angry. They may even begin to hate their father for all the misery it caused their mother."
this is exactly what you don't want... I don't want my child to hate their father for me. will they be angry that the marriage ended.. yes and when they get older then they can make that decision.
that's fine but once you use your children as an emotional weapon the only persons that get punished and hurt are the children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): also... Daddy will be in the picture FOREVER! thats what happens when you have children with someone.... UNLESS that parent bows out of the picture...
other wise the best interest for the children is to keep things as normal as possible.
thats called visitation, its hard enough for them to deal with the fact that their dad won't be there.. but to try and cut him out of their lives... thats more cruel than the dam affair.
Only, the kids are the ones hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): well, you obviously don't put your children first.. because any parent knows.. that children don't care who screws who.. they love you unconditionally.
Like I said, getting over something and forgiving are two different things..
also, there is not a single court in the world who would stop a father from seeing his children.... DUHHHH
why? because he didn't do anything to them... so punish the children because you cant deal... NICELOL
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): also I might add its much easier to walk away... and that is why the divorce rate is 75%.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): actually i did take into account of her sister... read my post again. getting over something and forgiving something are two entirely different things.
all I am saying is this.... PEOPLE THERE ARE 5 CHILDREN INVOLVED!
am I the only grownup here who sees that! Daddy screwed aunt such and such so were going to take away your Aunt and daddy....
explain that to them.... all of you!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 October 2009):
You'll never forget this, and that's the problem. Your husband and your sister even did this in the same room and still haven;t told you everything. First of all, insist that they tell you everything, then decide about whether you want to move on. I@m not sure you'll be able to get ove this.
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A
female
reader, nicollieollie  +, writes (3 October 2009):
if he cheated on you with her that is bad enough.. but cheating on you while you and his child are in the room sleeping is UNACCEPTABLE. It is degrading, disrespectful and disgusting. If i were you, I would DEFINITELY cut ties with both of them until they realize how horrible they both are and come crawling back on their knees begging you to take them back into your life. And even then, never EVER forget what they did.One quote I always go by is this :FORGIVE AND FORGET = RELIVE AND REGRETgood luck and take care 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): You can never forget. Forgiving is up to you. People claim they forgive and it can certainly set you free from the heartache but ultimately you won't trust either of them again so what is the point? I would get away from both of them.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 I think this is pretty much a very difficult situation. What's worrisome is that there are 5 children and you; and their aunt, your sister and your husband did something pretty creepy in the same room as you and the baby.
I think a rational explanation is completely lacking here. I mean there is no excuse or explanation for this.
At this stage I think leaving your husband and banishing your sister from your family are definite options here.
Its not the fact that he cheated; its the fact that it was done in blatant, brazen disregard of all taste, human decency or even respect (which should've been considered first).
You have to question what kind of guy does that. And moreso, you have to question what kind of sister does that.
After you get some answers there, I'd talk to a lawyer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): ok people screw up.. this is true but I do not agree with 2 cents at all ... you cannot go through life being angry. for one its unhealthy and ultimately hurts no one but you.
Did they screw you over? YES, hands down! Will time help you heal? yes.
to be honest.... bits and pieces is something you are going to go over and over and over.. as if trying to solve some puzzle. He just wants to put it past and move on.... he will not hold the same fixation with the bits and pieces as you will.
Before I answer about your sister I would have to ask if she were drinking as well? If she was, that again changes things..... but still there is the bottom line of betrayal.
A broken heart can be mended much easier than broken trust... I am sure you know why, trust takes longer to earn and build and in a instant can be torn down.
you have had two people break your trust, and no one on here can tell you what to do or how to feel. I can tell you that in order for you to get over it with either of them you must communicate.
argue productively- when I say this I mean say what you feel not,
"you hurt me" and storm out the room. I mean, "when you did this I feel like my whole world was torn apart" .. then its his turn.
Mind you this is almost dam near impossible to do without a counselor to guide you but if you need to get to the end and I feel you do... I hear it in your tone, you are not ready to let this marriage go for one stupid night.. and that is what it was " a stupid ass night"...
let me put it more clearly.
"stupid ass night vs... 7 years of a great marriage"
"stupid ass night vs... 5 beautiful children"
"1-1/2 hours vs.... MY LIFE WITH THIS MAN AND MY FAMILY"
mistakes are not excuses by no means... sometimes they hurt uncontrollably and without condition.
but sometimes through all that pain if you both are strong enough you can become stronger partners than you ever were before.
as for your sister you have the same situation either way... you must and I accentuate, MUST.. fix and repair the hurt, anger and trust that is gone.. and maybe was never there to begin with.
why? because in the end of your life the one person you don't want to be without... is your sister. there is no one person in the world like her... ever. Nor you for her. You will hurt, get angry, cry and feel as though there is no end to the pain you have to now endure. But, there is, and true to life it will.
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A
female
reader, Yawzah +, writes (3 October 2009):
Wow...if you can forgive him you are a saint. Same with her. Both crossed the line. It's worse than just cheating on you, a double betrayal.
You need counseling, he needs the boot, and sis needs to be banned.
Unreal, no good excuse. Once a cheater always a cheater.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 October 2009):
 I believe he's not accepting responsibility for his actions. Were you intoxicated as well, or a sound sleeper? What about your sister, was she sleeping in the same room as well, or did she come in later?
If you forgive, it's a choice you're going to have to make. You've also been married to him for 7 1/2 years, so you should know him enough to tell if he'll do it again or not. I know while drinking some people so things they wouldn't normally do. But drinking wasn't forced on him, so he's responsible for his actions since he chose to drink.
He lied because he didn't want to hurt you, but if alcohol is a valid excuse for his cheating, he'd have no reason to lie.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (3 October 2009):
 No. You should not forgive him. Could you ever imagine cheating on your husband, just because you're drunk? If you can say yes to that question then maybe you should try to work it out. Personally, my conviction toward my husband is strong enough that I could never imagine cheating on him, sober OR drunk. I think the alcohol is just an excuse, I think that if he would cheat on you drunk he would cheat on you sober, but that is just from my personal experience. Either way, this is really really colossally messed up. If I were you I would have to break up with two people in my life, my husband and my sister, too. You have to draw a line somewhere between "S*** happens" and "This is unacceptable" and if it were me, what happened to you is Highly Unacceptable. I would be mad as heck for the rest of my life. If it were me I would never talk to either of them ever again. They have crossed the line in a very cruel way.
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