A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I posted on here a few weeks ago re my situation but things have changed. Me and my bf have always had a tricky relationship but our love seems to hold us together. I have had some mental health issues that go back a long way, back to my childhood and I used to be a heroin addict but I kicked that habit in 1998 and been clean since. I stopped drinking too but that got boring so I started to drink socially again 2 years ago. This has been problematic with me being aggressive, tearful and basically a nightmare when I drink too much. I am currently detoxing and getting support and have realised that I probably need to give up drink forever. In October we bought a house together, we have been together two years. The day before we moved in I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for some time and were delighted. I had been taking meds to help me conceive. We moved in to the house and had a good couple of months being really excited about our baby, thinking about names, etc, you know the stuff… At nine weeks I was worried as I had been getting mild cramping so we were sent for a scan and found out the baby had died. we were both devastated. That was the Friday. on the Saturday we got invited for a curry, I didn’t want to go as I was feeling terrible and couldn’t stop crying. I hadn’t miscarried yet and was due to have it removed by op. I told my bf I didn’t want to go and asked him to stay in with me. He sulked but stayed in. he would’ve preferred to have gone out and left me in the state I was in, with our dead bay inside me. Ok, it was tiny but to me it was my baby, you know? We began to argue over the weekend as I knew that the hospital were going to ring and book me in for an op the next week. He had a gig to go to with a friend on the Tuesday night and I started to worry that the op (general anaesthetic) would be on the Tuesday and he would not be there to look after me in the evening. He told me that he was also going for the day that day with his friends (it’s not one of his favourite bands). The hospital rang and booked me in on the Tuesday. initially I said no, I was actually thinking of putting him going out and having a good time before having the baby removed and being under anaesthetic! What was I thinking? Then we argued and I rang them back. During our arguments he told me that he was definitely going to the gig and that he was worried the op was going to ruin his day. He did eventually stay with me that night and not go but after I’d had to argue with him for days over this, the damage had been done for me. During this time I started to lose the plot. One night I started to smash glasses and I was banging my head against the wall. I feel this was triggered by his lack of support and I just lost the plot. The last few weeks have been hell and I was so unwell with anxiety that I had uncontrollable shaking. He barely looked after me during this time. In fact he left, told me he wanted me off the mortgage and then eventually ended the relationship. Obviously all this was happening while I was going off my rocker and drinking heavily (between 1-2 bottles wine a day). He has come home now but will are still split up. He refuses to take any responsibility for the relationship breakdown and for my mental state during and after the miscarriage. He just blames me and says that I am mental. I have been lucky with a fantastic doctor who has seen me twice a week and given me drugs to calm me down. I have also been referred to a psychiatrist. (btw, my bf is a psychiatric nurse – ha! I think this is why he says I’m mental as the kind of behaviour I was displaying was what he sees every day). For the last few days I finally feel that I am coping but I feel absolutely furious with my ex for his behaviour, and I’m sorry but all that ‘that’s how men deal with things – by running away’ does not wash anymore. I sick of forgiving his selfish behaviour, he’s been selfish throughout our relationship and I’ve often thought he puts his friends first. I don’t think he can cope with real commitment, and what that entails. I know not all men behave like this as I’ve spoken to my friends and ALL of them have said that he was unsupportive. I’d love to hear some of your thoughts on this situation. Should I forgive him and maybe give the relationship a chance (this wont happen overnight)? Is he a selfish pig who I should forget about and find myself a real man? I feel I need someone with a bigger heart. Surely love does not behave like this? I am so hurt and angry. He broke his leg in the summer and I doted on him. I went shopping, cooked, and massaged his leg. When I needed him the most he wasn’t there.Right, rant over. Thanks for those who take the time to reply. Please make the effort to reply; I have just been through the most painful month of my life and need advice. Btw, I know my drinking did not help things and my behaviour was bad but I really believe I was having a breakdown and had he been by my side loving and supporting me this would not have happened. Would like to hear male and female viewpoints.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I just stumbled onto this post because I went through something similar one year ago, about the same time as you. My question to you is, how are you doing now? How did you deal with your anger?
I feel like I will never get over my pain, and I am still a basketcase despite all the time that has passed and the therapy I got. In fact, I think I am getting worse.
I would love to know how you have moved on from the devastation of losing a baby and a relationship in one go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Im the OP - thanks for your reply female anon. I have to agree, he was very unsupportive and it hurt like hell when I was already hurting bad. I truly belive that if he had been more supportive I would not have lost it so bad. There is a little bit of me that hates him for it but I am also a very forgiving person and I do still love him.
He howevre holds on to stuff and he is still insistent we have broken up. I am getting stronger. I have mainly dealt with this on my own so I guess whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger in the end. I know I am not a bad person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Thanks for your reply Miamine. I am drinking alot less now, barely at all. I do feel calmer and I do still want to be with him, but he still insists it's over. Yet we continue to live as if we were a couple, cuddling, he tells me he loves me, he wants to try for another baby. It's all very confusing. I am getting over the miscarriage slowly, I have moved to a place now where I feel kind of numb with it. I have been referred to see a specialist so just waiting for that.
I hope there is hope for the future, I feel that I have just been through the worse 6 weeks of my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Oh My God! This guy was an unforgivable jerk and losing a baby is THE WORST loss ever to be experienced. It feels as though someone has cut off your life force. The grief a woman experiences during hormonal changes is knee buckling. Regardless of your history, you're not going to be able to consciously control your emotions. You aren't a bad person. You didn't do anything wrong. Your boyfriend should have been at your side, but he was a man-boy and doesn't seem to have any sense of decency. Stop making excuses for his sorry ass. You're not going to suddenly turn him into the supportive boyfriend you need. Aggressively seek out support from therapists, friends, family, strangers and EXPECT to be in hell for one to two years. A woman never gets over losing her baby and never gets over feeling a bond with baby daddy. His insensitivity isn't your fault. You didn't cause it. Sadly, he came that way. God bless you and don't force yourself to be strong when all you want to do is curl up in a ball.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (1 January 2012):
 Thanks for your follow up.... I am starting to think that a lot of this is to do with the miscarriage, as you have pointed out. When children die, it's a rough time for everyone, and we can use anger and resentment because it's too hard to grieve, cry and say goodbye. Have you spoken to your doctor about bereavement counselling? The church is also good, and you don't have to be religious. Many churches have services for mothers who want to remember stillborn or miscarried children. I think your using anger to cope, and it might be better to talk to someone qualified who will help you to cry and accept the things you cannot change.
Your boyfriend is a whole different issue... but again, are you angry and thinking of leaving him because he treats you so bad, or has your addiction problems and normal sadness for the death of your child made the situation seem worse than it actually is. You know him, we don't, you say good things about him, then you turn and hate him and call him cold. At the moment it's far to hard to see what you are actually feeling about this guy and the situation.
Sit down in quiet, with no noise, no drink, no tv, no nothing. Look deep into your heart and see if you can find your answers there.
It's all right to cry, you've been through a hell of a lot, unsupported and on your own.. now is time for healing and for making the correct decisions for where you want to be in the future.
Please try to make 2012 a more happier one for you and the people around you.... Blessings
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): It's funny 'Cindycares' as not one person in my life - my doctor, my counsellor and all of my friends have told me that my reaction was 'unhealthy.' They just understand that i was in total bits around the miscarriage and him not being there for me.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 " If he had lost it like that, I would not have walked away ". See, OP? That's precisely the problem, and that's why probably some us will sound like horrible, mean harpies to you : that your frame of reference is all different, and your perception of the " right " thing to do is very subjective to say the least.
Yes, losing an unborn baby is painful- and so it is losing a LIVE baby, or a beloved parent, or your house in a fire, and we could go on forever. Life is not fair, and shit happens. But losing it totally , and becoming violent or self harming, in reaction to the under-the-belt blows that life inflicts us, is not a normal, HEALTHY reaction, albeit not reproachable from a point of view of pure human simpathy.
And the healthy reaction to an unhealthy reaction, some times may be exactly creating distance and let the other person have time and space to heal and work on her/his issues . Staying may mean enabling, and becoming codependent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): Hi im th OP - Thanks for your answer Miamine. I agree with what you are saying but I genuinely belive i have had a breakdown after the miscarriage and he WAS unsupportive. It upset me at the time but I am moving on from the hurt now. I have also managed to stop drinking now and did this on my own. I had two nights of sweats and withdrawals over Xmas! I belive i cannot drink again (i have addiciton issues).
The thing is have you ever experienced the pain of losing a baby? I you have not it is difficult to say what is right and wrong. In the last 6 weeks i have never cried as much in my life. I do agree however that my behaviour was difficult but if he had lost it like that i would not have wlaked away. Not in a million years.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (25 December 2011):
Yes, I remember you well...
Thing is, we are only getting bits and pieces of the story, and in this post you are mixed up, saying one thing first and then another thing. In the first part of your post, you do sound difficult to handle. Smashing up things, aggressive when drunk, that kind of behaviour is frightening and can disgust a lot of people. It's not a little bad mistake, it's a woman who is violent, aggressive and in an unstable emotional state. No, most people don't act like this. You know you have addiction problems, but you decide to continue to drink because things got "boring". You seem to justify your bad behaviour by blaming everyone else, you seem to minimise how much of the problems are caused by the way you behave.... yes babes you do need to continue to work on yourself.
And what about him... If we turn it around, if he was acting like you, we would think him dangerous. If he then said, your the one who pushes him to drink and that's why he becomes angry, emotional and aggressive, we would become very angry. I'm wondering how much of the story you missed out. He says cruel words, but does he just say them. Does he just walk in the door and think, I want to watch her cry, so what can I say to hurt her. These hurtful things he tells you, do you tell him hurtful things as well. Have you said things in the heat of an argument, and got a response from him you didn't like...
Anyway pointless now.. It's all about how you feel, and what he brings to the relationship to make you feel good about yourself. You've suffered with anxiety and have a past that is filled with pain. A man who is cold and unsupportive, a man who leaves you to miscarry, who calls you names, this is not the type of man who can help you get well. He may work in medicine, but the problem is, he's not supposed to be at work, he's not supposed to be your doctor, he's supposed to be your boyfriend and your not supposed to need so much support. Healthy relationships need healthy people if they are going to work right.
Yes you may love him (but at the moment your so angry you sound like you dislike and despise him) but this relationship isn't giving you what you want. He doesn't sound like he can change, and therefore you will continue to be unhappy with him.
I suggest you move out and be on your own for a little while. Maybe if you two can remain friends while your healing, one day it can develop into something more permanent and stronger, but living together sounds like a nightmare and is causing you both to act in very destructive ways. He probably loves you, and you love him, but at the moment their is too much pain, resentment and anger for you both to continue together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2011): "He has criticised me a lot for nearly everything. He has told me I am stupid and that I am only good at sex and cooking."
This man is abusive- you need to leave. If someone puts you down constantly and says things like this you will never be able to recover from or to manage your addictions and your other problems.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Hi - I'm the OP. Thanks for your answers. I don’t know quite how to reply to some as it is not as simple as me being a total bitch and lunatic which I feel is what has been implied a bit – he has been pretty cruel over the last two years – he’s consistently selfish, always putting himself first, or his mates. He has criticised me a lot for nearly everything. He has told me I am stupid and that I am only good at sex and cooking. So before you blame me for everything – those of you that did – please know the full story. Also, I cant help it that I have mental health issues (mainly chronic anxiety). I’ve been through a lot in my life which I don’t need to go in to but there are reasons why I am the way I am. I’ve had YEARS of therapy and lots of different prescription drugs.Why do I stay with him then I hear you ask? Many reasons. Because I’m a Humanist and I believe everyone has a dark side, a shadow. I believe relationships ARE hard work and if I ditched this one I’d find someone new who had a whole set of other problems. Because he has many qualities – he is tender, affectionate, intelligent (maybe not emotionally), very funny, well read, a musician, he’s gorgeous and the best lover I’ve ever had (he tells me the same). Oh yeah, and I love him. And that counts for a lot.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 December 2011):
Yes , you should give up drinking for good. Sure, it may be that drinking is the symptom and not the disease etc. etc.- still, it is affecting very badly your social interactions and your emotional reactions and makes you handle them in a very disfunctional way. So, getting rid of alcohol is a good starting point to begin really taking care of yourself.
Because that's what you need most right now. Not so much being in a relationship, or deciding if your bf is a jerk or not, or if you should be angry at him or not.
We can't give you much help in that, we don't know him and we only have your point of view , not his. Sure from what you say he sounds selfish ,cold and uncaring. Then again, as another poster pointed out, there's only so much one can take, and if his work keeps him all day among people acting crazy and going overboard, it's natural he does not want to have that kind of stuff at home too. Maybe he was just exhausted.
So the problem is not really how to make him more supportive, or how to punish him for being so uncaring and unsupportive, - the problem is getting yourself to a place where you can be your own support system and don't have to rely so heavily on people around you to be " nice " just to be able handling the ups and downs of life , with its inevitable sorrows, stresses and disappointments.
Maybe you are not at a place right now where you should be in a relationship or deal with any man or think about babies. Maybe you shoud first build yourself up, and build a good relationship with YOURSELF.
Rght now you are frail, you need to handle yourself with care. I don't mean frail like something that was broken and badly glued back so it's all weird looking and misshapen :). I mean frail, like something delicate,unique and special, some rare precious glass , that needs , at least for the time being, prudent careful handling.
It sounds like you are working on yourself with specialized help ( very good idea ) and you have made progress, yet there's still quite a bit to be done. Don't rush this process, maybe a relationship with all its problems, or even more a baby, is just too much for you right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): I had to read the part where your bf said "he was afraid the operation would ruin his day" twice--what a breathtakingly horrible thing to say!
And that about sums up the issue; you were living through a nightmare, and he was treating the situation as a nuisance.
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this, and his attitude and lack of support made things worse for you.
Having said that, it was your decision to smash glasses and start drinking heavily again ... he didn't make you do any of that. Yes, he made your emotional burden much heavier, but that didn't have to affect your behaviour. Blaming him for your actions may make you feel better, but it doesn't change the fact that it was a choice on your part.
It seems to me that this relationship has turned toxic, if it wasn't before. I notice that you said you started drinking again around the time you started dating your bf--is there a connection? As hard as it might be, I think you'll be healthier without him in your life.
If you have access to counseling it could help you with your losses. I wish you the best and again, I'm really sorry that you've had to live through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): He was definitely not supportive and even abusive during your miscarriage. I hope you will recover from this.
Since you drink and had a drug problem I don't think it is a good idea to have a child now. You need to consider that if you haven't worked out your addictions this is going to affect your child in some way in the future. Don't bring a child into a bad situation and an unstable environment.
I think you should forget about your bf, he isn't worth pursuing a relationship with. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Instead of placing blame on others, I would look at how your coping skills prevent you from forming healthy relationships and taking care of yourself. You will keep the good guys out and only attract men with commitment issues who are unsupportive to begin with. You are trying to get water from a rock and destroying yourself in the process. You should be able to stand solid on your own and that's what will attract healthy men. It will probably take therapy to teach you how to not self destruct but the pay off is you might one day have a stable marriage with someone and a stable home for any children you may have one day.Your boyfriend most likely watched how you smashed glasses, banged your head against the wall, drank heavily, had uncontrollable shaking and then decided right then and there you were never going to be the mother of his children or his wife. It sounds like you both had a wake up call.
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reader, AriSa  +, writes (23 December 2011):
I think that he is being a baby by leaving you in such a terrifying state. He was scared and hurt by the dead baby, I am aure. However he has also to think about what the mother of that baby is feeling!! He is definitely not ready to be a responsible father and I am truly surry that you had to go through a miscarriage with such a terrible man. Please get the most help you can from doctors, family and friends.
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female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 I am sorry for your loss. I have felt the pain of miscarriage in the past, I understand the devastation that you are feeling, and the anger at your ex, my ex also treated me terribly after the miscarriage, and broke up with me. Yes your ex was definitely unsupportive and selfish. You were hurting badly and you needed him to be there for you, and he wasn't, instead was worried about his day out. He has treated you disgustingly, and made the whole trauma of losing the baby worse. I am sorry that you went though this.
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reader, eek +, writes (22 December 2011):
 first of all im so sorry to hear what you have been through. Im glad to hear your starting to get your life back on track.
From what you have said he has been very uncaring and unsupportive its a difficult thing to go through and with your problems you needed to feel the love and support even more.
If he works with people that have problems it might be he is no longer so sensitive to those issues as they appear more like a job to him. Though no matter what his profession my opinion is he should have still been there for you in your time of need. As the relationship has ended it might be a good time to just sort yourself out for a while and relax with some good friends to help you get back on track. I wish you all the best and Hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, SillyB  +, writes (22 December 2011):
 I think first you have to take responsibility for yourself and your mental health. Picking up a drink, throwing glasses and banging your head against a wall are unhealthy decisions YOU made. You did not take control of yourself and act responsibly. Your partner is a human being and by the sound of it he's gone YEARS dealing with your issues and moods.There is only so much a person can take. Your boyfriend doesn't sound selfish, he sounds worn out. He's had enough. You need to go to therapy and leave him alone to figure out his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): There is no hope for your relationship with him. It is too toxic. You need to be on your own to deal with all your past issues and hopefully give up the booze for good. You are very articulate and can see your situation in a very good clear light. Use that to rebuild, slowly and gently and don't get into another relationship until you are on your feet again.
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