A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I had abusive girlfriend for 16 months before I ran away from her apartment in June this year. She was 2 years younger than me. Outside, I don’t think there could have been beautiful girl I have to see to date on this on earth like her, inside she was abusive and loved to torture me to death. She would make fuss out of little things like why I didn’t put off my shoes while step onto carpet, why I eat so fast, why I seduce other girl through my dirty eye contact. She would abuse me verbally and also physically, taking full advantage of me being nice and loving her like crazy. Three months back, one day when I came two hours late from office owing to workload, she blamed me for having gone out with other girl on date and it wasnt the case. I thought she got it cleared in her head and she went to kitchen pretending she was making coffee for me but from nowhere she locked door on me , I was screaming to open the door but she locked up me there saying that I would remain locked up in the room for next one week as it was punishment for having cheated on her , imagine guys! For next three days , I was in locked up in the room and she would give me meals through space under the door. Final, after hard work, I broke the door and ran way from that crazy girl’s life and she had no clue where I was until she saw me in the book shop here 25 days ago and came to me crying that I shouldn't have gone out of her life like that and she wanted me back in her life. I didnt say much then and yes she was extremely looking weak there. Some night, her parents got my new number from my my friends and called me saying that she would die without me. She also smsed me repeating her parents’ lines . So it’s been now 16 days since she came back into my life . Now she doesn’t abuse me and get angry at me. She doesn’t talk much and but last night she said she never wanted to be that bad with me but my nasty habits forced her to go that far and she promised she wouldn't do that again. Honestly speaking , I am still remained scared of her but due to her parents’ and my love for her body special her big boobs, I allowed her to come back . Now some of my friends say I should torture her the why she tortured me in the past to take revenge on her, would it be appropriate? Were my habits that nasty to be treated like shit in the past? Yes, I love her but more for her hot figures not attitude, though the attitude now seems to be changing but still the past is always there to haunt me. After patch up, we are having sex every night but after having sex, I feel like she would be abusive again though she is not but maybe that past events having deep impact on my psycho ? Can such an abusive girl change? I would appreciate if you guys guide me how to treat her now and how to build this relationship which still has my past wounds.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 This post is bizarre! This relationship of yours is strange in more ways than one. I mean, people here are rightly telling you that your GF needs help, but I think that you need help just as much as her. She is a sadist and her behavior is clearly abnormal. She locked you up? For 3 days? And you haven't lodged a complaint against her?!! What is wrong with you? Seriously, both of you need help!
You cannot see beyond her breasts and her body and this is something that strikes to me as very strange. Seek professional help ASAP, do NOT listen to your friends and "torture" her in any way. That is not the way to deal with any situation. Get away from this woman right now. The dynamics of this relationship are entirely incorrect. Get out of it immediately.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): This is a strange situation in many ways. Leaving aside the underlying causes of your girlfriend's behaviour, quite obviously you could have reported her to the police for false imprisonment/kidnap - which could have resulted in a jail sentence for her, or psychiatric help. But you did not do this. Why? I find it hard to believe that this was out of care for her, because nowhere in your account of the matter do you show any concern for her welfare - only yours. Of course it is absolutely not right for someone to lock you in a room for three days but, if someone did that to me, I would be worried about what they might do to someone else or to themselves as well. Not only would I report them to the police but I would also be very concerned for their mental health - I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry, of course you do. But if she has an undiagnosed mental illness then she needs help, not to be treated like a sex object for your pleasure. At the same time, you seem to have a very limited perception of your girlfriend as a whole person - you focus on her body to a degree that is extreme and, at the same time, refer only to the 'abusive' aspects of her character, nothing else. Maybe this focusing on her body is really upsetting for her. And you seem to present yourself only as victim, and not as having any faults at all of your own. Whatever the longer story to this one, it is very wrong of you to stay with the woman just because you lust after her and find sex with her to be gratifying - the fact that you can continue to have a sexual relationship with her after what has happened indicates to me that she is not the only one who has got a bit lost in all of this.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Jeez eyeswideopen, you're on a roll at the minute, your posts are cracking me up!
Yeah, I dont think it would be wise to get back with her purely for her looks, she's treated you like crap in the past and could easily start to do it again. I wouldn't even entertain the thought of getting back with someone who locked me away for 3 days!
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A
female
reader, westbahnhof  +, writes (14 September 2011):
Are looks so important to you that you go blind to see her attitude and nature? Although normally it should be the other way around.. Normally, real love is not based on looks.. you love a woman or a man based on who this person is.. looks fade away very quickly and after some time you will only be able to see who this person really is.. how can you continue loving someone abusive? when you see a beautiful woman with such attitude all her looks will vanish quickly and you will only see her nature and automatically you will see her so ugly you won't be able to tolerate looking into her face.. watch it! years down the line you won't notice her beauty anymore, but her attitude.. im not saying that human beings are not changeable, but all i am saying is that beauty is not a substitude for a warm and loving personality.. Yet,, if you really love her for who she is and i mean real love,, then give it another shot... afterall, we humans do learn and do change for the sake of the things we love..Cheers and Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Let the slow descent into madness begin again.
Thinking you have any control over the relationship dynamic this time around is a rookie mistake... one you probably should have learned whilst locked up for 3 days...
Ergh... what a depressing post.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 The fact you walked out of the relationship having had enough of her drama is probably a reason why she is trying to act like the good GF now,as you showed you respected yourself enough to not take it any more,but in all honesty she seems very manipulative and seems to thrive on causing and participating in drama of the emotional kind. There are too many red flags for you to ignore on the hope that somehow it will work out and you base this on the premise that she's hot.You need to wake up and smell the stink in your coffee!!LET HER GO!!Find a more stable and well adjusted girl to be with,you may feel for her still as of now but when the drama rears it's ugly head again(and in all likelihood it will),you will grow to resent her over time and what will that do for your psyche and self confidence? Think about it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Let me add my proverb (not really mine!!!)... "Once bitten, twice, shy".....
Don't be an idiot!!!!..... (Unless those knockers really ARE such that you can't resist!!!!)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Echoeing the sentiment of Eyeswideopen, I'll quote a crude but fitting proverb of my country which says :
" One hair of c..t pulls stronger than a pair of oxen ".
She must be really hot to make you want to risk your life !
What if she goes psycho on you again, she locks you up again, then goes out , gets hit by a car and ends up unconscious for days,weeks...? Kay Scarpetta is going to have a field day with your spoils.
Ok Ok, very very unlikely scenario, and yet .... What happened before is not something which would make me say " oh well, forgive and forget , maybe she was having PMS ".
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (14 September 2011):
You shouldn't let her back into your life as a gf. You did the right thing of leaving her, don't slide backwards by getting back together with her.
Gather more information and learn more about abusive relationships and how they work, because yours shows all the classic signs. That means that the outcome of staying in your relationship is likely to be predictable too (and it's not good for you OR for her).
She was extremely abusive to you and you're absolutely right for having stood up for your well being and left her. Lots of victims of abusive relationships dont' even get that far. Her constant accusations and blaming and putting you down is emotional abuse. Locking you up for 3 days, only passing meals to you under the door?? this is physical abuse. This is not normal behavior, she needs professional help. Is she getting professional help now? If not, don't be so sure that her changed behavior is going to be lasting. It's way too soon to be confident in her. In fact, being super-nice after a period of abuse and being left, leading the victim to think this time it's gonna be OK and thus to stay in the relationship, is another classic sign of an ongoing abusive relationship.
Some abusive people can change BUT they usually need professional help to do so in the form of counseling, psychiatric treatment or medication or a combination, AND it takes a long time and a lot of hard work for them, it doesn't happen overnight.
In abusive relationships, the abuse occurs in a cycle. The person is not abusive 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They will have periods where they aren't abusive and can in fact be very nice and loving and caring and otherwise "normal" and if this were all the relationship was you'd be fine. But then they start becoming abusive again because they're out of control and have deep seated issues that trigger their negative emotions (like jealousy, rage, paranoia) and they take it out on you because their ability to deal with and cope and process these emotions is not developed in a normal way but in an abnormal way.
Then after the abuse incident they feel bad and guilty and thus become super-nice to you...for awhile...this is called the "honeymoon phase".
But the honeymoon phase isn't permanent. Unless the abusive person is getting professional treatment to change themselves, it's unlikely that this period of niceness is going to be permanent. So unless your gf is in counseling or treatment, don't count on her staying this nice for long, it's very very difficult for an abusive person to just change on their own, without outside help, just like that.
Furthermore, your relationship, like many abusive relationships, works on a dynamic of the abusive person being a "broken, helpless victim of life" and you have to be her "savior." She expects and demands that you be her knight in shining armor. For example claiming she will die without you, and even her family going along with that. She clearly has problems dealing with her life in a normal and functional way. But she's not getting professional help to stand on her own two feet like a normal healthy adult should. Instead she seeks out a man or partner (you) to take care of her life so she can feel OK temporarily. This is not healthy, it's not sustainable, it doesn't work without creating a lot of damage therefore it's dysfunctional. And such people, who demand to be "saved" by romantic partners, often end up becoming abusive to those very people who they have trapped into saving them, accusing the 'savior'/partner that they aren't doing enough and demanding yet more and more while valuing you less and less. (Until you leave, then all of a sudden she is really nice to you. ... to get you to return to your role )...The idea of a partner who is supposed to be "committed" to them is very appealing, such people tend to latch onto relationships even though they are abusing their partners. She's doing exactly this.
This is because the abusive person is fundamentally out of control of their own emotions and their life so nothing that anyone else does will ever be good enough for long. Unless and until she realizes this, she will play the victim yet be abusive to you and thereby victimize you. She may be in need of being "saved" because she can't handle being on her own without breaking down, but the answer is not for you to become her bf again. The answer is for her to own up to her personal problems, and to realize that she needs professional help to deal with them not a relationship to take care of it for her. She doesn't really love you - she "needs" you to make her feel OK about her life, that's all which is why this relationship is at your expense.
It's probably not her fault that she's like this. She could be this way because of genetics (she could have a biological-based mental illness or personality disorder in which case she NEEDS medical treatment or nothing will help). She could be this way due to early traumatic childhood experiences that were beyond her control. Who knows. But the fact is that she's an adult now, so she needs to take responsibility for her behavior and seek to become non-abusive, and this will probably require professional help.
You did the absolute right thing by leaving her the first time around, and for that you're to be commended. Don't undo that progress you made by allowing her to insinuate herself back into your life in the role of your gf again. She and her family are manipulating you, guilting you into feeling responsible for her well-being because they know you can be trapped into becoming her 'savior'. You are NOT responsible for her well-being, she is because she's an adult. If you remain in a relationship with her, unless she's getting professional help probably nothing will change and her abusiveness will return.
Often times it's only when their abusiveness and dysfunctionality costs them relationships time and again, then do abusive people finally see the light that they need to change and do the hard work and get professional treatment. By leaving her you were doing her a favor of letting her experience the consequences of her abusiveness. By taking her back, you're now hindering HER progress in life by showing her she can once again go back to her original plan of getting a man (in this case you) to make her feel better, so she won't actually stick with the change.
You also need to examine your own set of core beliefs and your personal philosophies to find out WHY you allowed yourself to come this far in this situation, if you are to be able to save yourself from it ultimately. Yes she is abusive and that's a big reason you're in an abusive relationship (obviously), but a relationship takes two people and thus you played a role as well in keeping yourself in this relationship. You may need to understand yourself more so that you can develop the strength to leave her for good no matter how manipulative she gets.
You might want to read up more and educate yourself on abusive relationships, they usually follow patterns and yours has a lot of them. Educate yourself on the consequences of staying in an abusive relationship. Realize that you're not doing her any favors either, you're helping to keep her dysfunctional. If you have more knowledge of what's going on, you can identify what's happening and be in a better position to stay strong and protect yourself. here are some links with more information, good luck.
http://www.leavingabuse.com/
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page11.htm
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/
http://www.examiner.com/abusive-relationships-in-washington-dc/are-you-a-rescuer-an-abusive-relationship
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A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 September 2011):
Well lad, it's obvious from what you have said about her that she is a crazy, narcissistic, insecure lass that really needs help and YOU sir should not touch her with a 10 meter cattle prod. Personally, I would steer clear of her and here is why: "...but last night she said she never wanted to be that bad with me but my nasty habits forced her to go that far..." I want you to read that quote a few times and think about for minute. (Pause and reflect here, seriously). Locking you in a room and subjecting you to physical and emotional abuse is W-R-O-N-G. In that statement alone, she has just taken actions that she KNOWS to be wrong and placed the blame on you. Really? I'm telling you now, I dated a psycho before. They are like moles in your yard; they are hard to get rid of and they cause a lot of damage. Listen lad, you should really rethink any sort of involvement with this girl. I'm just saying, and this may be easier said than done, but I'm sure it's the right way to go: you should hit the stop button on this soap opera. Then, once she's out of your life, you should work on you. I really think you could benefit from counseling of your own to help you learn to not let people walk all over you and take advantage of your kindness. It's when we have long periods of time between relationships that we learn and grow stronger and you should really take advantage of that before getting involved with another woman. Bon chance!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Holy moley, jeeze Louise, and boy howdy, those must be some spectacular knockers! You are nuts if you stay in this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): I would say that this is not a good idea to let her into your life again. And it is not a good idea to torture her, either. You should not stay wit her. Bascially she kidnapped you. Holding you againsty our will locked up is illegal in my country, and I would hope the same is true in France. I'm surprised you didn't call the police at that time. You should have. Next her jealousy and controling nature is not healthy. Also telling you she will "die without you" is manipulative, and her parents are obviously manipulative, too. Either that or they do not realize how their daughter mistreats people. Abusive people always become very sorry and say they will never do it again. But it requires a lot of therapy with a professional and hard work on the part of the abuser to change themselves. Many never change. "I'll never do it again" is usually just a line to keep you, not a promise. Do not stay with this girl. Just because she has a nice body doesn't mean anything. You should love a girl for her whole self: body, mind, and spirit. And you shouldn't stay with an abuser.
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