A
female
age
30-35,
*abylav
writes:I've been in a pretty good relationship for the past 1 n a half year..he cares for me ,is very committed to me ,we are in love and we plan to marry in future.But i have fought with him twice about some random chats he had with girls on facebook ,i sneaked in to his ID and found him talking dirty stuff to a few girls.He talks that way to girls all the time and thinks its all funny and just a joke..to some extent i don't mind him joking and stuff .later the second time when i found the chat exceeding the limits ,he denied saying it wasn't him who chatted some of those things,i know his friends have his password but im just so sure and know it from the way he reacted he's lying about it..i could also make out that its his way of chatting!that matter was over long ago.i did forgive him now i just can't take it!half the time i have these things on my mind and feel hurt on the other hand i know very well that he is faithful to me and always will be.i know his chatting fun is just some kind of weird entertainment for him and his friends but i am not able to digest it :( ...from then on he says he wont let me have his password because it leads to fights.for the sake of job he's in a different city from the past few months and comes down like once a month to meet me,our circumstance is such that we could have sex while he was living here but when he comes just for a weekend,his parents are there at home and so we cant do it,i give him a BJ thats it.when he was here we had sex like atleast once every week for a year since both of us lost virginity..now he's extremely busy with work and we have no time to even videochat! after hearing a lot of men cheating ..even after marriage and kids i have just come to a conclusion that men are just big time jerks!im in constant fear of him cheating me..it hurts me a lot and i dont know how to keep these negAtive thoughts away!!!HELP :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Okay, here's the thing....
Yes, lots of guys look at porn. Porn should = annonymous women / men who you will never meet, you are only viewing them physically. You don't actually interact with them.
Talking to girls about sex when you're in a relationship with someone else is not porn. These are not annonymous women, but women who become interested because he appears to be interested in them.
If it is normal for him, then he needs to be single until he can grow up and learn that it is hurtful. It is not only hurtful to his girlfriend, but hurtful to the girls he is leading on. If he wants to flirt and date and be with lots of women that's his choice, but he needs to not have a full time girlfriend at the same time.
A
female
reader, babylav +, writes (14 September 2011):
babylav is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthere are also many girls in the past whom he lost as friends because they thought he's interested in them but then he got committed..and when he introduced me to them ..they started moving away from him..i told him its all your fault and the way you talk to them makes them feel for you..but he just hasn't got it...he generally doesn't hurt people and is helpful and has good reputation with people in general.but he doesn't get that he isn't talking right..he says this is how i am and i learn by talking to people..he said in highschool he had a friend ..girl again whom he used to discuss about sex and how it would be and all those curious talks.he said they were just friends and he didn't even go out with her..He even told me that he told my friend who thinks shes ugly "noways guys would watch you and masterbate" to make her happy! He just talks uncontrollaby sexual to all girls ...even guys but not in a flirtacious way..and anyways thats normal ...but i just dont know what to do.when it comes to really doing it trust me he's not a sex maniac and cares more for me than the sex...
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A
female
reader, babylav +, writes (14 September 2011):
babylav is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for the inputs..:( so should i leave him..?i asked a few guy friends of mine..n they said its natural for guys to be like that online as it is for them to watch porn,..He grew up with girls all around him and says theres nothing wrong talking to his friends who are girls in dirty sense.and even asks his friend ..a girl whom i know stuff like "did you have sex with ur bf ..u didnt?atleast did he touch ur boobs"..and he comes and tells me about these conversations and laughs like he cracked a joke..he's sincere in many other ways to me ..his best firend is close to me and he told me about some girl whom they were chatting with who was almost ready to come running for sex but when he asked my boyfriend he said he'd never cheat on me ...it would make him guilty for life..once when i asked him casually on the face also he said no i don't feel like doing it with anyone else ...but he keeps joking to every friend i introduce to him "you can join in threesome with us" and stuff..and he says somethings which would make me jealous and hurt and then says "its fun to make you jealous and watch you go red with anger"...its very confusing for me i dont understand if he's covering up his dirty self under the mask of being funny or if i'm seeing it the otherway round!:O
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A
female
reader, babylav +, writes (14 September 2011):
babylav is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'd like to add i'm 19 not 22 dunno why it shows so!..please help ..its affecting my day today life...and i keep imagining and speculating ways in which he might meet those girls he chatted with and end up doing something with them!or with someother random person :( i make him feel very loved ,understood happy and everything.i gave myself to him..and he knows that iv'e not even gone further than a kiss before him!but i keep him happy at the cost of my own insecurities...i have stopped telling him anything that would make him feel i dont trust him because the trust issue has caused N number of fights and he just blames that i cry for nothing and dont trust him ..he says if you're not happy then lets end this!thats so hard on me because he knows so well i cant live without him ..plus i fear that anymore fight will just push him away(as it is he's in another city and im finding it hard to take)however he has so much work that the balance time goes for resting himself,handling the housework,and fooling around with friends...in his busy life i even feel ignored!he accuses that im just negative..but im not negative with my friends and others!people find me fun and bubbly everywhere else :(..i'm slowly losing grip over my own individual happiness...and keep feeling this anger that i want to show him,so even the talks we have on phone has turned sour from my side..i uncontrollaby say indirect things and pass sarcastic remarks like"yeahh you have all those girlfriends of yours right" or "hi ..hm yeah okay ok hmm yeaah relli?ur tired ok alright goodnite bye"i mean im not able to talk romanticly anymore ..i can only text desperate messages like "i missh u uney :*" n blah blah
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Personally, I would not be okay with my husband talking dirty to girls online at all. That is a big no-no and equal to cheating. I'm sorry but once you have committed to someone then you are saying "I make the choice every day not to have sex or talk dirty with other people." It is very untrustworthy behavior. And I don't care if he even "thinks" or says he is joking with those girls (which I don't believe for a second,) it isn't right. It puts ideas in a girl's head that he is interested. So even if he is joking he's a reall jerk. It's not funny and very immature. I say, this guy is not worth your time. It sounds long distance and he is "too busy" to even take time to video chat with you. I know people are busy, but relationships take work and contact, and long distance relationships are ten times harder. You do not need to live in distress. I know you lost your virginity to him, but that doesn't mean he will be yours forever. You will live a life full of paranoia and panic with this guy and his flirting. It is normal to have negative thoughts. The best way to get rid of them is to drop him and find someone who wants to be with you, not with you and every other girl....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): There are fears and there are realities. Say you drive a very unreliable car that breaks down all the time...you can either get a new car or live with it breaking down. You can pretend it's a good car (denial) so you don't have to live with the anxiety of it not being reliable or just live in fear of when the next time it breaks down on you and get upset when it does. Your fear is warranted and your boyfriend is who he is, a cheater. No one is holding a gun to your head and it doesn't cost anything to get a new boyfriend, unlike a new car. He's a boyfriend who will constantly produce anxiety and fear so learn to live with it, find an alternate reality to take comfort in, or leave him.
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