A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm about to lose the best thing that ever happened for me behind ignorance. I know everyone's probably going to say I deserve it and I probably due but no one's perfect. I told my mistress that we needed to sto and she's threatening to tell my wife and that will ruin me. I love my mistress but she kept pressuring me about making a choice between her and my wife because I told her that when my children were grown I would leave my wife. I can't turn my wife's life upside down. We are almost hitting retirement and now that our children are gone we want to live out the rest of our life traveling and doing a lot of the things we really couldn't behind the pressure of raising our children and trying to meet the demands of our jobs. We both have high profile positions and this could cost me my livlihood. I care about my mistress. But I can't live a dual life anymore. Six years of fun has caught up with me and I can't stomach the guilt anymore and my body is breaking down. I will continue supporting my mistress financially. What the hell should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Get a fake wife to deal with her !
I helped a friend out and he is happy and still married. It took lots of calls emails to get her out of the picture. She just wanted to wreck the girls married life and thought he would leave her for her. He was lucky because she was really persistent ! E
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I live in a culture in which most wealthy men keep at least one mistress and so the "rules" are pretty well established. Rule No. 1 Never, ever, tell a mistress or lover that you are going to leave your wife. It's not on, it's a recipe for disaster and its not fair to either of the women. If you are "going to leave" your wife then you should leave her right away otherwise you are making a fool of your wife and misleading your mistress. Although obviously the keeping of mistresses is less culturally acceptable (OK NOT culturally acceptable other than perhaps in France or Italy) in western societies I would think that this golden rule would still apply.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Cat's out of the bag..Better out of your mouth than the mistress's.
"We both have high profile positions and that would cost me my lively hood."
Should have thought with your main brain about the consequences before engaging in the affair..But instead you chose to think with your other head.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I agree with C.Grant... take the venom out of your mistresses black mail by being a man and telling your wife. There is no easy option for you here I'm afraid...
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 You may find your wife already knows or has suspicions that there is a mistress in the picture.
I very much doubt you have been 100% at hiding the tell tale signals.
You need to do the decent thing and tell her yourself. Tell her you have finished with the mistress because you realised how much your love your wife, and that now your mistress is threatening YOU - (dont say she was threatening to tell HER, because that just makes you look like a coward who wouldnt have admitted anything until he was caught out - which is the truth).
"Six years of fun has caught up with me and I can't stomach the guilt anymore and my body is breaking down. I will continue supporting my mistress financially. "
In some ways, this is all your own making - what did you expect when you had an affair? That the woman would just go away when you got bored of her? You have been very naive.
Also, this statement about supporting the mistress financially. DO NOT do this. The longer you give her money, the more she will want, and the longer this saga will continue. By paying her, you are essentially making her into a whore. She does not deserve your money. And I do not expect your wife will be too happy to know that money, has been given to YOUR MISTRESS rather than being put into trust for your children. Over the last 6 years, how much money do you think you have given her?
If you truly love your wife, you need to man up and tell her the truth and cut all contact with the mistress.
You have to make a choice, who do you want. The mistress or the wife. You CANNOT have both. (this means not supporting the mistress at the same time).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): first tell your wife. Your wife may already know. Your wife will be very upset. She will need a lot of support. Organise some couples counselling to help you and your wife cope with how devastating and unkind to your wife you have been. Your wife will not trust you for a long time. You need to make amends with your wife. Book some travel now. With your wife. And make sure it is far away and a way to reconnect with your wife. Certainly do not tell your mistress about the travel. Only you also must make it clear to your wife that you have ended it with your mistress, forever, and mean it. If you are high profile enough your mistress may even write a tell all novel about you. She may be vindictive enough to go to the press. Yes your mistress may try to ruin you. Speak to your attorney now. Your mistress has a price, your attorney may be able to negotiate a discounted price. Your mistress has revealed herself as a paid courtesan. I do hope you have a good paper trail of what you have spent on her so far. Including credit card payments, costs for accomodation, clothing, entertainment, gifts, utilities, transport etc. Lodge copies of all that paperwork, credit card statements with your safety deposit box at the bank and with your Attorney. Your wife may also go after your $ in a divorce, though i think not, but just in case can you afford to live and pay off two women? Your wife's settlement will be higher. If your mistress is young enough to still get pregnant DO NOT sleep with her one more time. A pregnancy would be the last straw. Hope you can see why infidelity causes so many problems for so many people? Hope your mistress is not on the payroll? If so you are in more trouble - be prepared for sexual harassment claim or worse from her, Stay away from your mistress unless your attorney is at the same table. Do not destroy those financial records showing all your outgoings for your mistress. That will come in handy when she goes after you for a financial settlement. At which point you can show she was paid for services rendered like any other paid sex worker. That's not a relationship, that's a commercial arrangement. Make sure your Will excludes her in every way. This mistress is trouble. If you are lily livered you will give into her blackmail. And the blackmail will never stop. You need to deal with this now in a commercial dispute frame of mind. If you are smart your paper trail would convince a Judge she was a paid contractor who you engaged and paid for sexual services.
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (31 October 2010):
 tell your mistress how you really feel but to be fair if she cared about you she wouldnt be putting you in an awkward position i dont doubt her for asking you to choose but whatever you choose she should accept and move on but you do need to choose.if your wife found out im sure she'd be devastated but everything always catches up and whether its now or a few years down the line she will find out that you have been unfaithful so maybe you should decide what you want stick with it tell your wife and then im sorry to say what ever she decides is up to her
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I agree with the other posters. Telling your wife is a must. You may or may not loose her, but that's for her to decide. You took on this possibility by having someone outside of your marriage. Either way, isn't it better that she hears it from you, and not from the mistress? All you can do then is hope for the best. She might stay with you, and she might leave. Anything is better than being blackmailed by the mistress. It'll be difficult breaking this news to her, but to free yourself, and get back to honesty with your wife, it's necessary.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): There's never a happy ending when it comes to affairs. Every person winds up hurt. It's prbably a wise idea to tell your wife the truth which will turn her life upset down. I'm not commending you for wanting to stop the affair but I think you're mistress should be more sympathetic with you since she is just as guilty as you. Plus it doesn't take a rocket scientist that figure out that a married person will turn their back on the mistress before the spouse being cheated on. Your mistress accepted 2nd ribbon at day one. Why surely she knew your wife would always carry the winner ribbon. Tell your wife and be done with your mistress and use this as lesson to prove to your wife how remorseful you really say you are. Good luck with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): I'd first find out what your mistress wants. If it's you, then you need to tell your wife, because she cant be bought off. If money or something else can get the mistress to leave you alone, maybe try that route...but at some point, even if you get your life back, the mistress leaves, and you travel the world with your wife, teh guilt will catch up with you and you will need to tell her anyway. It will eat at you and drive you nuts. It's the "old man under the stairs" syndrome.
What I can tell is you love your wife...or at least the IDEA of loving your wife. But you dont seem to embody your love for her because you neither respeccted her enough to avoid the affair, nor have the strength to do the right thing by her and leave/tell her. You're living 2 lies. I now how guilty you feel. Do what's right...tell your wife.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I agree with C Grant, the only way to deal with this is to suck it up and tell your wife. Much better she learn from you than from your mistress.
And then what happens next is very much up to your wife, she may decide she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you, she may already have guessed your are a two timing rat fink, in which case she is either waiting it out, or making plans, but you wont know until you man up and tell her.
Your future is very uncertain, yes, but at least by telling your wife you will be able to remove the prospect of being a blackmail victim until the next heart attack!
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (31 October 2010):
Confess to your wife and hope she'll forgive you. Its better that way anyway than hearing it from your mistress; gather your guts and do it, and you better be quick. All the best!
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Needless to say, from the beginning, your wife's life was already turned upside down. The only option you have is to tell your wife.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Leaving judgment aside, the only sure way to deal with blackmail is to reveal the secret yourself. If you want to end it with your mistress and to do so on something approaching your own terms, you have to tell your wife everything. That's the only way to take away your mistress' power over you.
Unpalatable? I don't doubt it for a second. Your choices? Leave your wife for the mistress would be one. Try to buy the mistress off and continue to have your health ravaged by the stress of her threats is another. Bluff, and tell the mistress that you've told your wife (which is really reaching). I can't think of another legal alternative.
Sorry bud, but you're really hooped if the fling won't be quietly bought off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): Wow. You are supporting your mistress financially? and your wife hasn't noticed this? You cheating on your wife for six years is not fair or morally right, you are also cheating your kids. So what if she tells your wife. You need to tell your wife. I think you need to decide which one you want more, the one that you can't imagine not seeing or having any involvement with for the rest of your life. Either way, you're gonna have to tell your wife that you have been having an affair for six years, if she doesn't already know that you have that is. If your wife loves you (sounds like she does) and you choose her, then i'm sure things will work out and your relationship with her might even be stronger. If you pick your mistress (can't believe you are supporting her financially) then you still have to tell your wife of your affair. It's not fair to anyone what you're doing, not even you. So get everything out in the open. Guilt has a way of catching up with people.
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