A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, the title says it all and I am sick to death, borderline disgusted by the selfish nature of men. Let's not deny it. It is 100% true. I have no problem attracting men. But here's the thing, The second an attractive woman ignores the man who is compelled to make a pass then she is labeled as the cold hearted witch and if she's not interested then she is the one with the problem, right? If she treats him like he is a nothing then he responses by gearing up for a challenge. It's become a sport, a chase; forget her feelings because this "sport" is for his amusement and gain of self confidence. Now let's say the chase pays off and the girl breaks open to give him a chance. Great but Guess what he'll do, boast about it, flaunt her like eye candy to his friends and become comfortable. He's convinced his pray that he is worth of the prize and time of day. He no longer feels the need to work hard to keep her, She's bonded with him now and what comes next is up to him, not her. Why? Because his goal was to tackle a new and more challenging piece of *ss. Forget the things he said and did to make you think he was emotionally and physically available. In truth and in reality he was NEVER looking for a long term meaningful relationship or mother of his children. He was after physical pleasure and a confidence boost. So while she decided to give him a chance she also understood that with that comes a mutual commitment to each others happiness and well being. From day one she is willing to make compromises for another person's benefit. Where's man state of mind...still boasting on what he has claimed, content with the way this are, sees no reason to take things to the next level so long as he is still young. Besides, with his newly gained confidence he figures he might be able to find someone even better than he's current interest. Forget about cherishing her and working beyond the present into the future. Man has decided he is happy where things are. Let's say something happens to alter man's career or personal life with his family making things unstable. Guess what ladies, his response is to handle it himself. Forget about including her on things to work as a team, forget about confiding his insecurities with her, and forget about him giving you the time of day, or week. His issues which he chooses to handle alone have become his priority. Your happiness is lucky to be secondary in his world. It is impossible for him to focus on handling things in solitude and still let you know he cares for you. So you fade away hopelessly in to dust wondering what you did, what you didn't do, why he doesn't feel he can talk and communicate with you as an adult. After all he came to you as a child so why do we get these crazy ideas that he can handle conflict like an adult. Why are mean so SELFISH?! It's a shame, it's practically helpless. And to think that if I do marry one day, this guy most likely went through this BS stage earlier in his life prior to me and the only reason why he would be ready to settle is because of his laziness and retire of the game. Gross!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): I don't aggree. Sure some, even a lot of guys ARE selfish but there are some sweet guys out there as well. Don't generalize, it never gives you the right outcome. My opinion of course.
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 Every man has the capacity for good and evil. We're also very tribal and team-oriented. IF a man thinks you're on his "team," that you're loyal to him and that you make his life better by being around, he'll treat you the way a good man should. If he thinks you're only in it for yourself, or that you make his life more difficult, he will not see any obligation to treat you well.
I'd be willing to bet that, in addition to picking men with a tendency toward being players, you've probably done a poor job of getting on their team. Even an otherwise decent, reliable man will screw a girl and leave if he thinks she's going to make his life miserable. The common thread in all these relationships seems to be you, and you are the only person you can change, so ask yourself, "Why do *I* only go for bad men? Why do *I* come across as a burden? Why do *I* think I know a man better than he knows himself, all evidence to the contrary?"
I'll bet the men you've dated have owned up and taken personal responsibility for their own dating failures with you. "Yeah, that's what I get for being her rebound guy." "I knew she would be trouble." "Next time I'm going to try to find a girl with less baggage." They have done so not because they are men, but because they are adults. Go be an adult, figure out what *you* are doing wrong, and take do something about it.
If you look around, there are millions of women who have found good men and enjoy being with them. The only conclusion must be that they are doing something differently than you. Find a friend who is happy with her man and try to learn from her. I'd start by accepting that no one is perfect, not even you.
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reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (4 November 2011):
 I just disagree completelt, OP.You may have dated some shitty guys in your past, but really, unless you have gotten to know EVERY SINGLE MAN IN THE WORLD, you cannot say all men are ANYTHING.Thas like saying "All women like diamonds" Or "all teenagers are up to no good"OR, here's one that hits home to me:"All goths are satanists"It upsets me when people say things like that, because unless you know every single person in that type, you cannot generalize.I highly doubt you've met the good friend of mine who just wanted to take a girl to a movie, simply because he was in love.I doubt you've met my father, who has been through so much, but always puts his two daughters first, who became a nurse to take care of elderly people, who fell in love with a woman because he loved her, that was it.You've obviously never met my boyfriend, who goes to church every week, and constantly puts me first, even though we've agreed to be equal, him, the one who spoke of marriage first, and yelled at a girl for flirting with him and ignoring the fact that he was ina relationship.Those are just three examples that prove you wrong.You seem to be bitter towards men, for what a few have done, and you need to talk to someone about that.But meanwhile, please dont generalize. It's rude and hurtful.I was hurt when someone generalized about me, and I'm sure you hurt quite a few guys by saying that.I'm sure you'd be hurt if we all just assumed you were just a crazy person. (Not that I'm saying you are, but wouldn't you be hurt if I said it to you?)
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Aww, Cindy, but it's so much more comfortable to just blame the men for all things that go wrong. Hey, they blame us for always trying to change them and never giving the "nice ones" a chance, and stereotypically we only like "bad boys".
What can you do when you as a stereotypical woman are doomed to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men? Sounds like our hands are tied.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Tbh, I think that any woman who " from day one " is willing to make compromises for another's benefit richly deserves to be taken for a ride, because she forgot to take proper care of herself and to put herself at the core of her life.
Compromises can/must be reached only if the other party is willing and ready to meet you halfway, and if the value the relationship adds to your life is greater than the sacrifice or adjustment you are going to make in order to keep the relationship and that surely can't be assessed right off the bat.
MANKIND tends toward selfishness and promotion of personal interests, , men and women alike. Some more, some less. Some to an extreme degree, some to a manageable one. Ultimately, it's always a matter of " buyer beware ".
And if you find incurring repeatedly in the same problem, and in the same type of guys - ALWAYS fickle skirt -chasers, ALWAYS emotionally detached men,or men who are stingy with their feelings, perhaps you should give a mercilessly honest look to your role in all that , and see how did you contribute , by your choices, actions and omissions, to create this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDeception is a powerful thing. I've dated different genres of men from the total reliable gentleman to the potty mouth bad boy, from the overly confident controlling bastard to the seemingly shy and reserved. So no, I do not referrer to just one man of personal experience. These men tend to have the same thing in common and that is their reaction to conflict and confrontation(specifically with a woman). The second things get tough or less than ideal a woman's response is to discuss ways to solve a problem in order to determine a collaborative best approach. A man's response is to tackle it, destroy it, and kill it himself or to avoid it all together; leaving abruptly to escape from being fully defeat thinking that he is saving face. A reliable man can be reliable for how ever long it takes for him to reap the benefits. If the benefits stop or something prettier and shinier walks by he's off . A man will string a woman along(aka. his back-up-chick) and the woman will devotedly wait around for him, hoping for a change. Think "he says he's not ready for a relationship but we have an amazing time together" Or "He says he cares but likes thinks the way they are". Sad. This girl is waiting for pigs to fly. Yes, women have flaws as well. Here's one of mine, I can recognize flaws and imperfections in a character faster than most and analyze why people do what they do before they've realized they've done it. I'm a Virgo(Either love or hate us), we are keen on that. I say flaw because our critical thinking button does not turn it's self off . Our own personal selves often become target of this judgment so don't feel like the finger never gets turned around. I've spent days wondering what I could have done differently with this one or that one. But when it comes down to it, I shouldn't have to try to change or train a man to be a considerate gentleman. Besides for it never working, I am not his mother and he should know what it means to work as a team. And no not I do not mean a football team, I'm talking companions. Selfishness is not limited to just men, but it does not exclude men either. I think if women adapted more to this frame of mind(selfishness/egocentric-thank you,ChiGirl) that men have then we would make up the majority of CEO's Presidents, and Founders rather than men. We wouldn't sacrifice careers to play house with a man who is only home to catch a good dinner and a good nights sleep at his usual full service five star "hotel" run by a one woman staff.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 I suppose it makes no sense to say that this is a blanket generalization made on the basis of the poster's (and some aunts') experiences with a few men, not ALL of them. Men are like trees, right? Once you know one, you know them all.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (3 November 2011):
Hehe, I'm actually intrigued. I don't want to go as far and say ALL men are selfish. Some are. And some who aren't selfish are lacking in other areas as no one is perfect. Now that I've covered my ass:It appears to be a common thing for men, this "selfishness". I wouldn't describe it as an active selfishness, but more like a natural self centeredness. I've seen in many times, and heard of it many times. While the woman includes her partner mentally... the men don't. The men wander off on their own, and if the woman wants to be included she needs to be on top of the game and install a GPS on him. Sort of. What I mean here is not that the man doesn't care. But he doesn't naturally include. Examples:The woman thinks about her man, so she sends him a text. The man thinks of his woman, smiles, and continued with his business. The woman is offered a ticket to a concert, and wants to go, but only if they can come up with a second ticket so she can bring her man.The man is offered a ticket to a concert, wants to go, and goes. The woman finds out he is going when he calls to cancel their date. The woman is offered a new job, which would locate her in a different area, but the salary is way better. She talks to her man about commuting, or alternatively staying with him/him moving with her.The man is offered a job which locates him in a different area... The woman is told when he has decided to move, and probably through some of his friends who found out before her. He has made no thoughts on how they will carry on a relationship long distance. The woman wants to go on vacation with him, and talks to him about it, then saves up money for it.The man wants to go on vacation with the woman, but despite knowing she wants to go as well he spends his money elsewhere, without telling her that'll in effect ruin any holiday plans. Then he tells her he'd love to go, but he is broke. The woman goes on vacation without her man, finds an item that she knows he'll love, and gives it to him as a present.The man goes on vacation, and you don't hear a word from him until a week after he has returned home. The woman wants to get a pet WITH her man, and wants to discuss what sort with him.The man shows up at home with a pet of his choice. Tough luck if the woman doesn't like it.Now, these examples aren't jokes, they are actual things that happen. I can definitely see the posters point of view when it comes to men being egocentric, and women being nurturers. It seems, in our joined experience, that woman have an easier time at including our men than they have at including us.
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reader, eek  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 Im not. Most men in general are not. I devoted my life/love to my ex who cheated and lied.
You just need to be more careful about the men you get into relationships with.
Personally I put my all into a relationship and normally get back a lot less than i give. But if i feel that person loves me it makes it all worth while. There are good men out there. Just like im hoping somewhere there is a good woman for me. Never give up Hope. As they say love will come when you least expect it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Sometimes, men enjoy the chase. Sometimes they don't. Yes, there is an ego boost when a man succeeds in getting an attractive female to open up to him when she has done nothing but be an attractive (but annoying) cold heart to him in the past. However, many men will chase a woman who is desired by other men. Intrigued by her outward beauty, and influenced by all his buddies who can't seem to stop talking about her, a man might convince himself to pursue her. The pursuit can be fun, if she lets him know when he is making progress, and exciting when she opens up and falls for him as well. At this point, the man has usually opened himself up and shown a bit of commitment. It is now the woman's turn to show some commitment as well. Many attractive women don't seem to know what to do at this point in the relationship. They have become accustomed to the chase, to being desired. They don't know how to express their true feelings for the man, as their courtship to this point has been putting up roadblocks for him to overcome. At this point, he feels he has earned the right to bypass the detour signs, and the games. He is right. At this point, the man is looking for signs of beauty that are not physical. This is where men realize the intellectual capacity of their new girlfriend. He learns what she likes and dislikes. He learns her hobbies and habits. Sadly, this is where most men realize the hotties that have grown up being fawned on by men have never developed a personality beyond the sarcastic mean girl. If a woman "ignores" a man who has been courting her, and supposedly won her heart, wouldn't you say the problem is her? He has been putting in effort for weeks or months, has gotten a green light that he is welcome, and is subsequently shot down because he doesn't continue worshipping at her altar. Successful relationships are based on mutual attraction, effort and chemistry. If one person has to do all the work, then it isn't a relationship, it is emotional slavery. From reading your screed, I would surmise that you have some learning to do. First, in relationships, about what it takes to maintain a balance and mutual respect. Oh, and it wouldn't be bad if you had an intellect to match your physical beauty. From the construction of your argument, grammar, and accusations of selfishness, it is clear that you are the one who needs to learn: A) how to frame a position, B) how to write English sentences, and C) how to look in the mirror and recognize a thing called hypocrisy.Grow up, and when you do... Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): try a reliable one. they may be boring but you can then decide whats worst. exciting and selfish versus reliable and boring.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): No they arent all selfish. The ones that arent often get used,cheated on orclassed as unexciting by girls with the same complaints as you.
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reader, dufusking  +, writes (3 November 2011):
Yes. You are right.
A lot of men behave this way...to every woman except one.
The one they genuinely love and would give their lives for.
I'm going to assume that you are a very attractive and confident woman with a lot to offer in a relationship.
The men who behave this way toward you do not have that much to offer you if you offend their ego's so easily. They are not secure in their own manhood if they let a woman's right to reject their advances affect them so deeply and immediately. They would be intimidated by you in a relationship and would only seek to control you.
I assure you that confident, caring, strong and unselfish MEN do exist. Men who are secure in themselves and appreciate a confident woman. Men who would love to include you in their lives and share all that they have with you as long as you wish to be there with them, growing together, loving together.
But to find one like this you'll need to admit that there's a small possibility that not all men are selfish....are you prepared to do that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Selfishness is not limited to men. As human beings we all have from time to time ate a slice of the selfish pie, some of us more than others and selfishness, mind you, is more dangerous to humanity than nuclear weapons. If everybody were insatiably selfish civilzation will collapse, & we all will be nothing but animals looking out only for #1 or worse extinct. Thus as a human being it is your lifetime obligation to be selfless as much as you can. In this age we live in, having virtues is a source of scorn & ridicule for others. Virgins are made fun off, being nice annoys people, forgiveness is seen as weakness, & being charitable/generous is seen as a cover for some underlying hypocracy & greed. Yes, by nature we humans are always suspicious of one another because we don't trust each other. Why, because there's this deep seated understanding that everything we do or say is motivated with the intention to gain something out of it. It's in our nature. We need some kind of confirmation from each other before we can have confidence in what others say or do to or for us. That's why institutions like money, & marriage, to name a few, were estabished by the wisdom of our ancestors, to protect peoples rights. Peoples rights are violated fundamentally because of selfishness. The tendancy towards self enhancement & self presevation is human nature. Selflessness is such a noble virtue that to have it ones life is to be truly divine. What does it mean to be truly selfless? Do you humbly accept mockery hurled at you ? Are you willing to lay down your life for a total stranger about to be executed? Can you forgive a man that sexually abused you as a child? Are you willing to continue clothe & feed an immigrant family at the expense of your salary & health knowing that they can never pay you back? If your life is defined as such then you have all the right to dismiss men as selfish. Otherwise your motives to denounce men as selfish in itself reeks of selfishness. I am a human being & I don't need another human being to remind me of my imperfections but to help me realize my potential to approach perfection of character. Lastly, true love is the love you give without conditions. Sadly, my conclusion about you is this: Men are selfish. Therefore you have no love to offer them or you have love for them but you choose not to give it to them because they are selfish. Thus their selfishness excuses your own selfishness which coincidentially prevents genuine men from giving their love to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): I find this pretty offensive, and considering that every partner I've had has agreed that it's not all men, I find your ignorance and hatred astounding. It may be true that a lot of men are 'Players', but there's also a lot of men who are honest and caring. The unfortunate truth is, you don't want those type of men, because they're not strong and independent, they rely on you as much as you them. You know they can't provide for you in the same way as the players, and you're not mentally ready to settle down with someone who reequires a two-way relationship, which is why you keep getting in relationships with the 'wrong' men.
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reader, smkhan433 +, writes (3 November 2011):
I agree...but women are selfish too.
I didn't read your blurb but it works both ways.
Men want sex...so they are selfish about the number of women they can get and use that.
Women want commitment...so often times they manipulate to get him to stay (fake pregnancies, trash-talking other girls, etc).
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): If you were mature enough to accept your half of the responsibility for your bad relationships, then you might have a better chance of finding a mature man who wants to be with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): PIm thinking maybe you are talking about a particular man. If so he must have been a complete pig to you which im sure you didnt deserve...but i have to say that not all men are like that and i hope that some day a guy will prove your opinion wrong. Best of luck
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 I'm flattered by your lofty opinion of men.....
For some insight in to your question, I suggest that you get hold of the book "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus" and read it. It will provide terrific insight in to just the areas of relationships that you'd like to understand better....
Good luck.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more point. The majority of questions on this site are ask by who? Women. Why, because we care more for others and are not afraid to seek help when we need it. And also because men are the majority who play games. They don't have many questions because they are too busy playing one girl to the next and worry about themselves. They don't have time to share their true emotions with anyone, not even strangers behind a computer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA woman can be choosy all she wants to. Of course our natural intuition helps us to determine players from potentials so that we can better decided who to waste our time with. The fact is that women here in the world are nurturing and caring of others NATURALLY. So while you see it as "choosing" the right guy. It may really be us choosing who to make excuses for.
A man will most likely always look and strive for his own opportunities. He does not see nor understand completely what it means to give freely. It is not common for a young woman to want to experience as many men as possible before "settling down". A woman respects intimacy more and would not want to risk being stuck with a derogatory label since society would not accept that of her. But a man will make sure that he has experienced as much(women) as he can before he takes the first step to "settling down".
Maybe it is just today's society but morals that have completely diminished, starting with the men first. It's seems like such a waste of time to date due to everyone's own personal agendas that corrupt what it means to be lovers, soul mates, companions, and spouses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Wow, I thought I read a newspaper article on contemporary social issues. Yes, selfish men are an unfortunate fact of life for most women. I suspect that you are a very attractive women but you fear that men are not really interested in you as a person but just for your good looks. Am I right in assuming that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): Wow, I thought I read a newspaper article on contemporary social issues. Yes, selfish men are an unfortunate fact of life for most women. I suspect that you are a very attractive women but you fear that men are not really interested in you as a person but just for your good looks. Am I right in assuming that?
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reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (3 November 2011):
Nono, BOYS are selfish.
There are a lot of men who aren't. My boyfriend isn't selfish, quite a few of my friends aren't, my friends boyfriends aren't selfish. It's because they're more men than boys.
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You seem to have had some bad encounters with men. I don't believe that what you say is true and I hope you find someone that can prove to you that not all men are what you say.
Good luck in your future relationships.
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 You have chosen unwisely.
Accept half of the responsibility and make better choices for yourself in the future.
Not all men are bastards and you have been given the brain of a woman to be able to distinguish between the players and the men.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 November 2011):
Don't marry.
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