A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife made out with another woman at a Halloween party. Should I be jealous, mad? We have talked about fantasies involving a 3 some from time to time over the years. A few times, during sex, we have even talked about her doing something with another girl while I watched. I was hopeful, but never really tried to make this happen or thought it would. Then she makes out with Nother woman. The thing is, I was not there. I am not sure what to think. If I did this to her, it would obviously be considered cheating. I am not sure why one half of the relationship would be allowed to explore some solo sexual things, but not the other. I have to admit I half find it arousing - but upsetting at the same time. And what if she went further?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Normally I would agree that that was cheating, but in this case it’s debatable.
Your wife’s behaviour was certainly tacky, but through your fantasizing you’ve made it very clear to her that you don’t see sex as something sacred or intimate to be shared only with her; that for you it’s recreational and were it entirely up to you, you would include other women. That may not be the exact message you mean to send, but it’s the one she’s receiving (and possibly sending out herself).
Whatever objections you have about this incident are not moral ones, but selfish ones. You’re put out because you weren’t there to benefit from the encounter. It wasn’t a show they put on for you.
You’re right that it would be considered cheating if you had been the one to kiss another women instead of her. The difference is that your wife didn’t kiss another man while trying to convince a reluctant husband to let her invite him to her bed. I say ‘reluctant’ because if your wife wanted threesomes as much as you do, you’d be having them. YOU’RE the one who wants to include others. She might be curious about it but hadn’t wanted it enough to act on it. It could be argued that she is now just slowly following your lead (with the help of some liquid courage).
It might be a good idea for both of you to re-evaluate what sex means to you.
If you two decide you still want to have threesomes then you’ll have to do it on your wife’s terms and at her pace. This may include allowing her some freedom and privacy to explore her Sapphic desires on her own. She may be inexperienced or out of practice with women, and trying to seduce one while under your microscope can be unnerving.
This does not mean you get to play with other women on your own. It may not be fair, but your wife doesn’t have to be fair. She just has to be comfortable. You want it more than she does so you’ll have to make it worth her while.
And don’t forget about the other woman. It can be rather unsettling being pursued by a team whose members are already familiar with one another (in and outside the bedroom). There will be one of her and two of you and you will have worked out your strategy and limits ahead of time. And she needs to know your wife really wants her and isn’t just acquiescing to keep you happy. The only way she can be certain of that is if she has some alone time with her.
And finally it's important to remember that in a threesome each person has a unique connection (whatever the duration) with the other two. Your wife and the other woman are not there just to put on a show for your entertainment. They have a connection between each other that you are not part of, as your wife has one with you that the other woman is not a part of. The two women will have their own agenda as you will have yours.
Personally I don’t have a lot of sympathy for men who open this door then get upset when their wife decides to walk through it. Like I said, the two of you are going to have to decide what sex means to you before you proceed. Chances are that threesomes are something best left in the realm of fantasy.
Whatever decision you make, I hope it’s the right one and that everything works out.
A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 You need to talk toyour wife, you obviously see this as cheating which in my opinion it is.
Fantasy is very different from reality, and as your wife if you hadn't consented to it I'd consider it to be cheating, I don't think many people would consider it ok even if you had discussed it as a fantasy.
You need to talk to her, and tell her what is and wasn't it acceptable to you
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 I think nothing of it. I actually believe this kind of talk and play is pretty healthy for a couple who is trusting and in no questioned state, if 2 people are secure in their partnership then why not act on this? I do believe that she should have had you there. That is if the line is drawn at a safe place for the both of you. I too have fantasized with a past partner about the very same thing, but we never did anything more than just talk about it. Personally I think you shouldn’t be upset by this at all. Unfortunately there is a double standard between relationships when it comes to things like this. It’s something you guys openly sexually talk about yet when she does it you are upset?! Let her explore this and sit back and enjoy the show, literally!!!! :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2011):
 If it upsets you it upsets you. Why not call her out on it?
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A
male
reader, GhostChild  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 As tennisstar said, we can't tell you how you should feel.
Personally I'd be upset. If she were to make out with a guy behind your back, you would be mad and upset right? Why should that be any different if it's a chick that she's making out with?
Confront her about it and tell her how it makes you feel, tell her you're upset over it. It is a form of cheating, regardless of gender.
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A
female
reader, Angie7 +, writes (3 November 2011):
You like it cause you talked about it but those are fantasies. But you are upset about it cause she didn't have your approval or she only did it cause she was drunk and decided to kiss another woman cause she was horny. It's cheating weather with a man or a woman. Your wife overstepped that boundary from having your agreement on it to just going ahead and doing it. A fantasy is a fantasy it's far fetched from reality doesn't mean we act on one. My boyfriend used to love big boobs and blonde hair but look at me I'm brunette with a b cup and he loves me to death and thinks I am beautiful.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2011):
 It depends how you feel about it. We can't tell you, how you feel (or should feel).
Sounds like you're wife is bi-curious and explored another woman's mouth. Regardless of the gender, it's still cheating. She engaged in physical contact with someone other than her husband (you).
If you're upset, then confront her about her cheating. Let her explain her actions and also bring up why she has yet to engage in activities with another woman under your supervision. Seek marriage counseling if she has shattered the trust in this marriage.
If you're more aroused, let it go with a slap on her hand, and bring back up the subject of some girl on girl action approved by you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): I sense from your post you're not considering breaking up with her over this; you just a little winded by the event and you feel you've lost some trust in her because she's defying your expectations.
Considering she only made out, considering it was something you both talked about during sex, and especially considering she told you about it, I seriously doubt that her intention was to get some action on the side when you weren't around.
Her thought process was likely something along the lines of: This woman is flirting with me... it's always something I've been curious about....I'm pretty sure my husband would give his blessing; after all he talks about what a turn on it would be in bed and I'm turned on now just thinking about it; why not give it a try?..." And that thought process was probably less articulate if she was drunk.
I'm not trying to absolve her of the fact that she cheated. She did. But I think given her age, given the right context, a given that it was an idea that you had expressed as a turn on, and given the fact we live in a world where woman on woman action is often perceived of as "harmless fun" then I can understand easily how it could happen...case in point, Katy Perry's incredibly obnoxious but very popular song: "I Kissed a Girl." Sometime's I'm pretty sure it's half the reason we have 13 year olds writing into this site saying, "I think I'm bisexual."
Culturally we celebrate and glorify woman on woman action and I think that has a lot to do with what your wife WASN'T thinking: how would my husband really feel about this? And sometimes it's not harmless fun. Every lesbian I know is insulted by the idea that woman on woman action is only condoned as a male spectacle. But, unless her partner that night was a card carrying lesbian, then I wouldn't worry that she has interests beyond you.
As to how you "should" feel; you'll figure that out in time. No one can really tell you and as you express; you seem to feel ambivalent about the situation.
Here's what I suggest you do: tell her you found it upsetting. Explain that if you were to make out with another man (or woman) just because it was a scenario that came up in pillow talk that she might rightfully find it upsetting.
Also explain to her that pillow talk is just fantasy and if she has any fantasy she actually wants to live out, then you want to discuss it outside of bed. The trouble with pillow talk is that in the moment, it can be pretty powerful; if you start interpreting what people say literally out of pillow context, then you get into situations like your wife did.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (3 November 2011):
 If you doing it is unacceptable, the same rules apply to her.
You need to tell her that you consider this cheating. If you are not able to make out with other women, she shouldn't be able to do it either.
She owes you a SERIOUS apology.
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (3 November 2011):
 I would be upset because I wasn't there. She didn't do it with you in mind at all so it is considered cheating. I have done a threesome before and it worked for me but I would not be ok if anything happened if I wasn't there. Tell her how you feel and ask her how she would feel if you kissed another girl when she wasn't there. That should give you your answer on what is considered to be fair game in this relationship. It only works if both parties are on the same page.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 This is cheating, no matter what way you look at it, she went behind your back and made out with another person, I understand you have spoke about fantasies and if you where there and you both discussed it well then it would have been OK but what she done was cheat on you and I guess you need to get to the bottom of why. Has she told you why she felt the need to make out with this woman? You need to talk to your wife and see if you can get to the bottom of it. She will need to earn your trust back now.
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