A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I spent a lot of my teens having low self-esteem and have very little dating experience. I had a girlfriend in high school. Still a virgin even though I have done everything else. I used a lot of that time to make sure I have an amazing future and improved myself in every way I can. Is it wrong to screen out women (to me obviously not in general) based on their number of partners? I know that its hypocritical of guys who had lots one night stands in college and want a less experience girlfriend/wife but that's not me. I don't think I'm capable of sweettalking a girl into having sex with me that same night and am more girlfriend oriented. It would bother me if some other guy was able to do that to her though. Given how I already am on the shyer, quieter side I don't think it would be good for me to know that the girl I'm with has a lot more experience than me and I'll be thinking I don't measure up sizewise/physiquewise/ technique wise. She might also not like/love me as much as a guy shes had before me. What do you think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): OP, you are getting some bullshit here. Don't buy it.
You just want a girl whose sexual values & experience is more like yours. That isn't wrong.
Many of the Agony Aunts are busy making this into a problem. Its not. They are the ones with a problem. They expect you to tolerate other people's sexual values but they have no intention of tolerating yours. Its hypocritical bullshit no matter how it gets dressed up with political correctness. Your sense of logic knows their viewpoint is not fair and that is why you resent it.
Don't give in to that crap. Find who you want. That means doing what it takes to look for who you want. That means getting shit from other intolerant people. But it doesn't prove you are wrong.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2016):
 OP you are stuck in an infinite loop of negativity. "I'm not going to be good at sex because I haven't had it yet! I won't get good at sex until I've had it! Any woman who has had sex will judge me and find me wanting!"
You're overthinking as you've been doing now for several years.
Sex is a mutual learning experience. There is a learning curve of finding out what works for her, and you.
If you are willing to learn and take a little direction you'll have a fun and mutually satisfying first time. And second and third etc etc etc...
Stop being your own worst nightmare. Jeez Louise. It's like you haven't read a single word any of us have written to you over the years.
Just let her you you think she's amazingly sexy and you want to get verrrry close to her. Be present in the moment. She'll notice if your eyes glaze over when you start overthinking things.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): I understand that its not 100% set in stone like that. Isnt it impractical though that I will be good for a girl with 20 previous partners if one liked me? She would expect me to know what I'm doing. A guy with 20 previous partners will probably have a lot higher confidence and not obsess over how good he is to her since he can have sex whenever he wants. Theres a certain shame with having sex for the first time this late as a guy. Being too nervous. Not being comfortable.
Theres a great likelihood I'd be part of the worse sex she has had and I cant live with that. Even if she likes the emotional connect more with me than with other guys. Or thinks I'm a good life partner. I'd focus on whether the sex is good or not.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2016):
 OP, really ! Do you even read anything of what we write ?, do you ever trust that ,who knows, any of us may have the wisdom and life experience to be telling something sensible ?
Again : you don't need a precise match , sexually speaking. It's not that the one who had 3 partners can only be with others who had 3, and those who had 20 must be with other who had 20, and if you mix the two categories the one with more partners will be dissatisfied.
The one with less partners might as well be the best lover, because it's not quantity but quality that counts, and also of course your personal traits like being imaginative, spontaneous, unselfish, patient , attentive etc.
Plus, again,....it depends what she wants , what floats her boat. It's far from a given that the "tricks " which worked with your previous ten girls will work as well with the eleventh. Being a ( good ) lover is a work in progress, you never end learning stuff , and the first quality of a good lover, IMO, is being humble and flexible ( it goes for both sexes ). Sex is not a dance routine, that , once you have learned those certain steps, that's it and can't ever be changed.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): Female anon, I have asked out women. I dont sit around and wait for women to come to me. No need to be hostile.
I have a date on Thursday. I know she has an ex. I'll see where it goes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): you would be missing out? Isn't this whole post about you missing out already?
How's about screening out the women who ask you out? If none of them are asking then you have no screening out needed since you haven't asked any girl out in 10 years.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): To anon, and if I dont have that same experimentation? Theres too much power on her side if she experimented a lot and she is my first.
Sex will be terrible. Then theres also the serious possibilithmy she doesnt do the same sexual acts she did when she was younger. So I would be missing out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2016): It is perfectly acceptable. Ignore the "right reasons" nonsense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): Personally I think you are thinking too much about this aspect of women. Just because a woman had a lot of partners in the past does not mean she will continue to do so. Some people (lots?) experiment and then settle down into monogamy.
Sounds to me like you are limiting your pool of partners needlessly.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): I dont need to "screw" a lot of women. I just want to be at a place where I can have regular sex to match my libido. It could be with the same woman for months/years. Just at a level I know can have sex whenever I want or find a relationship whenever I want.When I'm not thinking about being a virgin I have pretty impressive feats and accomplishments professionally and I am fit. I'm not able to ask out hundreds of women like they are infinite. I never went away from college and and didnt have my first time there fumbling like everyone does. I had a girlfriend in high school and she was scared of pregnancy so we never went all the way.I'm currently studying for boards in med school and the thought of not doing anything to change my situation for the next two months as I study is killing me.I need a solution. If I go to an escort I'll be mentally messed up. Do I hit on every woman in sight? Even all my friends? Irregardless of how forward it is? Do I wait for a girl to meet me naturally? I dont want to be the settle down option for women after they have fun with frat bros. I want a sex life too. Sex is very important to my self confidence. Guys in their 20s who are virgins arent going to confident being virgins.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): I think women underestimate how much it affects men's self-worth to be able to casually screw lots of women.
Notice that I said BE ABLE TO do it, not to do it.
I have never been one for casual sex. But just knowing that I was sexy enough to have the option was important. It did a lot to boost my self image and my respect among other people.
Most women can get casual sex far more easily than men, so I doubt most women fully understand how much this ability means to men. Its the flipside of women wanting long term monogamous commitments.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Jls022, Jealousy could be part of it. It's not like I'm going to be all fine and well if the next girl I'm with had lots of casual encounters and relationships while I havent had many at all. Maybe I didnt value sex at all when I thought I had the chance to have that much fun, but now that I see I'm not the popular option I changed my values toward it. Wanting lots of sex doesnt mean I wouldnt with the same person. I've also never had a one night stand so I dont know if I would be able to separate sex and emotion well. I got lucky in college one time a friend of a friend started making out with me. She was drunk. I still made sure she got home that night(her group left her) and I brought her some hangover material the next day. In fact, I think I wouldnt very well separate it but that casual sex would be a lift to a severely bruised self confidence. Thats it. I'm sure if I had slept with a hundred women and pulled off being a player/manwhore I wouldnt be as uptight about a partners past if she did the same. Thats not the case though.Conversely, I'm beginning to really devalue my first time because any sex is better than no sex and I'm too late in the game to wait for a girl that is 100% into me. I think if I turn 25 and am still a virgin I'll never have a good sex life let alone great and I'll start writing off women and never want to have sex out of shame of myself.
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 May 2016):
 Lots of comments on this post! Ok, OP. Let's do this. There's bad sex, middle of the road sex, and good sex. I have had 8-11 different partners, depending on how you're counting sexual encounters. Only 1 or 2 of them were not casual. Some of the casual has been BETTER than the years-long serious relationships. I'd say none of them were BAD, other people may have different experiences, but for me I've had either good sex or middle of the road sex, which isn't bad, and is better than no sex. I think they say sex is like pizza, there's no such thing as bad pizza (although I disagree there). I'd say bad sex is pretty rare. Bad sex is usually bad rhythm and bad rhythm can be fixed by having an experienced girl on top so she can control the speed/rhythm. Okay, bad sex problem solved.
Let's go into middle of the road sex. As mentioned earlier, this has been the most common. I have zero sense or idea how many partners any of these people had. I say this not to give you worries about my sexual health (although that probably comes to mind!) but to say, I can't tell how many partners you've had based on how good your sex is. Ok?
There are so many factors that it is impossible to say whether it is due to inexperience unless someone just literally comes out and says that they ARE inexperienced. Conversely, good sex may just be coincidental! It depends on so many things:
- mood
- whether you've set things up nicely (sort of, mood)
- whether you've done some pre-intercourse things to get her in the right place
- the way your two parts just fit together, and the mechanics of all that
Last story, right now I'm dating a former man whore. He's not the person that I would say I've felt the best sex from. I'm not saying he's BAD but one would think he would have picked up more tricks. That guy might have been a selfish lover in the past, never learned how to please women, or maybe they just had different styles and preferences that are very different than mine and so it's been a work in progress trying to find the best things for us. SO-number times =/= how good you are. The number of times a guy has sex does NOT necessarily correlate to a better result.
First time is going to be awkward, period, there's no getting around that. what's most important is having a loving and understanding person that will be supportive of you during this time when you obviously are very vulnerable and sensitive.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (5 May 2016):
'Is it ok to want her to see sex as a special thing and not be into one night stands but only in a committed relationship/ someone she really likes long term'
My opinion on this is that it's perfectly acceptable to seek someone who has similar views on sex and relationships as you do. The problem in your case is you don't seem to view sex as something special yourself. It sounds as if you'd gladly have had sex with hundreds of women if they gave you the opportunity, but things haven't quite worked out that way for you.
I don't know OP, don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to hold against someone the exact behaviour you would do yourself if given the chance? It sounds more like jealousy than anything else.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2016): Maverick494, your post means well and you changed my mind on not wanting a girlfriend to have had good experiences. But I dont think I can ever be "ok" with still being a virgin. In the event that I lose it this year, I'm still going to want to have a lot more sex since the fact it yook until 23 bothers me.It's like a talisman of shame that there hasnt been a girl into me enough to want to rid me of that.What's wrong with me? I dont see how a girl with 5+ partners would want anything to do with me especially when I'm not charming enough to have One night stands and she has had them with other guys. I just dont see the dynamic where I would be someone she chooses above others where we're both happy and she doesnt cheat on me.I admit now it is unfair of me to want her to only have bad experiences. But is it ok to want her to see sex as a special thing and not be into one night stands but only in a committed relationship/ someone she really likes long term? I feel like our values would match more. I have a very high sex drive but I dont think Im the guy who would hit om everything with a pulse and take sex from whatever girl gave me a chance.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (3 May 2016):
 I don't think that its wrong but I do however think that the reasons you'd be doing it for is completely wrong. If you screened a girl based on how many sex partners she had because you worry that she may be at a greater risk of carrying an std of some sort then that's ok, you could always go for testing to put your mind at ease. However,if you're worried about her number because of hour own insecurities then that's completely wrong. As previously mentioned by other aunts, build yourself up first. Figure out who you are, what you want and become comfortable in your own skin. Once you've completely accepted you for you, then and only then will you be able to have a meaningful and lasting relationship. Good luck
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 May 2016):
So much wonderful advice here, but I really want to stress the importance of working on your own self esteem. When your sense of self worth depends on other people, you're going to make yourself miserable, and them. I mean, let's be honest here, if the only way for you to feel okay with yourself in a relationship is for the person you're dating to have missed out on the same experiences as you have, or for them to only have negative or subpar experiences, that's not fair to them, nor is it very nice of you. Don't ever make your self esteem someone else's responsibility. It simply isn't healthy.
You want self confidence. But self confidence isn't about keeping your ego inflated. Self confidence is about ego not mattering. Self confidence is accepting responsibility for yourself, and that means everything, including your actions (or lack thereof) and the consequences, without putting the blame elsewhere. You have to learn to be okay with all the things you perceive as failure on your part.
People who have the least amount of distance between these three things:
- The way we view ourselves.
- The way others view us
- The way we want to be seen by others.
have the most stable lives. If you're a perfectionist and keep yourself (and others) to impossibly high standards, you're setting yourself up for continuous disappointment.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 May 2016):
You'll be fine, OP, mark my words. You need, as you know, to keep working on your confidence and self esteem and then just ... dive trustfully into the sea of sex. Honestly, that's all. You are willing to learn and eager to please- that's the right attitude ; you start from an excellent place for becoming an outstanding lover. Don't worry about technique; like I said, first it's not exactly like having to learn to pilot a jet, and second, there's not ONE technique, these's the technique that works best for her ( for the two of you, hopefully ) and you'll figure it out together with patience, sincerity and some snse of humour ( yeah the first times there may be blunders from both parties; it's not the end of the world, laugh about it together and carry on ).
You are reasoning as if you had to , say, pass the bar to become a lwayer. So first you'd need to study 4 or 6 years of jurisprudence, and learn all the laws by heart, and then you 'd be abilitated to perform, but it does not work like that with sex. With sex you can go to court since your very first time, - you learn by doing, you pick up things and " tricks " along the way. It's work in progress, a process of exploration and discovery . And ( important point ) it is exactly the same even for the hot dudes with the washboard abs and the 9 inches penis !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): Its socially acceptable to screen out people for mismatched incomes, religions, criminal history, debt, education, attractiveness, or almost anything else you can think of - except sexual history. Its even okay to screen people for race as long as you call it a personal preference (isn't that what all dating is?).
Sexual histories have been arbitrarily declared off-limits by the PC police because of who it bothers and who it does not.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2016):
 Auntie Cindy is right.
You do know, OP, that a GREAT lover is NOT the "hot guy" but the guy with the willingness to attune himself to his partner. Getting to KNOW her body, getting know her.
Washboard abs are LOVELY to look at, but let's face it.. it's not making a women nuts in bed.
Taking pride in being a good lover is great, but it doesn't come overnight and it's not something that good looking people just have. They fake it, till they make it. Or they keep changing partners so they DO NOT have to actually be that great at it.
Sex IS super intimate. You share something pretty close and when you share that with someone you CARE for it DOES make it more special. I don't care what people say.
And it has a learning curve. We aren't BORN being great lovers. Or really, GREAT at anything. We live, we learn, we adjust, we practice, we improve.
And the best way to do that? Is to be OPEN to talking to the partner about what THEY like, THEY want to try.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): Wow CindyCares, that changes my perception about the number of partners for sure. Deep down, I try to convince myself that I would be good because I'm so obsessed with her having a good time that Id spend far more time on her than myself. I guess it is learning about what the other person likes and putting them first.I want to know I can give her an awesome time you know? I'd be deathly afraid I could never take her to the heights that "hot guy" did and that shes "putting up" with how I am in bed. That she's thinking of him just to get off. It wouldn't be a problem if I knew I could take her there and maybe even better.I know I'm behind confidence-wise and am working on it. I know I undersell myself with women. I know I need to start learning to love myself for who I am and what brought me to this point and to chat up girls. There is all of that left to do. But its like unless I know I can be a good lover my ego is always going to be deflated and punctured and I recognize its an annoying Catch 22.My life is full of purpose and great intentions and my self esteem is wrapped up in how good/how much sex I get. Its natural since a lot of guys put their self esteem on their sexual ability but I want to be secure in myself
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 May 2016):
OP, I know that all this preys on your mind a lot so I would not want you to think that I am making fun of you, but tbh something you say is quite funny and made me ( godnaturedly, I promise ) smile :
Ah so you would be Ok if she had had lots of sex , just as long as it was BAD sex :).
Think about it: let's say that you meet a nice girl, not a wild one, who just had one committed relationship lasting , say, 3 years. At a very normal average, for a young person, of 3 times a week, she would have had almost 500 sexual encounters, but as long she had had them with a lousy lover,one who could never bring her to orgasm, or who suffered from premature ejaculation, or whatnot, as long as she did not have any fun, you'd be ok . Instead, if she had instead had just ONE hook up , but ,lucky her, with some hot dude who managed to rock her world and gave her a memorable night- then no. No deal.
Not very generous of you :). Just because unluckily you did not have so far anything fulfilling and memorable happening in your sex life, you wish dreariness upon your future gf. It must be true that misery loves company !
Ok , now , to make you forgive me for ribbing you a bit, I 'll give you good news, and solid as gold.
While it's true that it takes a little time ,a little trial-and-error to become a good lover, the number of partners has got nothing to do with it. You'll learn more in 10 encounters with somebody, the same one, as long as she is caring and patient and knows what she likes, than in 100 ONS with one hundred different women.
Why ? Because women are weird and capricious , sexually speaking. The are very different and want very different things. There's absolutely no true- and-tried move, that will make everybody happy. Everytime you are with a new partner- it's like you have to start from scratch to figure things out and make it work sexually. Which, said this way, may feel daunting and dispiriting, but in fact it's not- it's what keeps things interesting. And it's not rocket science, it does not take years to " get it "- just a few times to get a common grove , a bit of honest communication, and Bob's your uncle.
Really, you have no idea how many poor guys painstakingly practiced tracing alphabet letters with their tongue ... just to be met with an icy " Do you want to slobber all over me WHERE ?!".
Or fight against their natural shyness ,to say something naughty and bold and sexy during lovemaking - causing hurt, upset and annoyance because she only gets turned on by being called " my little angel " .
Really- lack of experience is a fake problem. In the sense that you don't need being with 50, 20 or even 10 different girls to become " good ". It's at the same time simpler and more complicated : you have to be " good " for the one you are going to bed with atm. So don't worry about your digits, in practice that the number is 0, 1 or 25 does not make that much of a difference :--- she will have to show you stuff all over again anyway !
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): Thank you for all of the responses.Self restraint and thinking sex is special is also part of why I feel I would be better off with a less experienced partner. Its not a popular view but if I had a girlfriend I would like to have sex a lot just us committed and willing to have a crazy sex life with each other.I know insecurity is due to uncontrollable thought trains. How would I be confident in my ability in giving her great sex if I knew that some other guy does it better for her? You could tell me maybe she prefers me because I'm not abusive or didnt cheat on her but that wouldnt make me confident in sex. Being good at sex is a big part of my psyche so I would need to make sure I am for her.I would be more distressed if I knew she had a one night stand with a player who was experienced and good with women more than if she was in a long term relationship with an awkward guy.Cindycares, I believe your question is valid if I wrote my question with disdain for experienced woman. I did not. I just prefer to not have such high expectations of sexual performance on me when I have little experience.Racism is disgusting because you're are denying people opportunities as a result. I doubt I am preventing several women , or even any woman to be with me with more storied pasts because I'm not a top choice for them anyway.I do have a lot of work to do with approaching girls and speak to them and to get over that social phobia by getting rejected by girls, getting dates, getting to sex.. and it scares me how behind I am and that I'll never be good at sex for lack of experience. I understand that a virgin is less likely to find esp since I'm not all that religious. Fewer partners though is possible.At the end of the day I want a girl I'm with to love me for for me and to also love the sex we have.
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reader, Garbo +, writes (2 May 2016):
 When it comes to love, you want to do what makes it work and not what it sounds good. It may sound good that persons sexual past does not matter, but that does not necessarily mean that it works. There sure is lot of stuff out there that people pontificate that sounds good, that is socially just etc. but lot of that does not work. So if a virgin suits you then so be it, however, as pointed out, it is less likely that you will find one as you age.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 May 2016):
I know I just told you myself that if you wanted a girl with your same low level of sexual experience *for the right reasons * that would be fine.. but then I had a thought that I want to share. A doubt, actually.
I don't have an answer to this doubt, I am just sort of thinking aloud.
How coming looking for sameness is OK for one thing but not for most others ?
If you were a white guy who states he will only date a white girl, everybody would call you a racist.
If you were a PhD only considering other PhDs , they would call you a snob.
If you were making 100.000 a year and said you only accept someone starting from the same level of income, everybody would go
" tsk tsk, love is not about riches and material things... "
Then how come when you say that you only want someone who is at the same level of sexual experience- that's acceptable and legitimate ??
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 May 2016):
 nothing wrong with screening out your future mate. you don't want to get to a place in life and start wondering about her past and what if she might be hiding things from you. take your time choosing the girl that you want to make a future with.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 May 2016):
It would be fine if you were doing it for the right reason. Like, you want a woman who is not too impulsive and can exercise self restraint , or you want a woman who takes sex as seriously as you do and thinks of it not as a recreational activity but as something sort of sacred; etc. etc.
But your reason is not fine- because is self referential, ineffective and well, a bit dumb.
Meaning, if it is competition or paragon you worry about,- ONE ex is enough. Who tells you that her only ex did not have a schlong double your size ? or the most awesome, refined sexual technique ? She can have had just ONE bf, but he might have looked like a Greek god; and she might have loved him to bits , more that she loves you.
One is enough to burst your bubble if you are so insecure.
Your only recourse would be to find a virgin ( not very easy in your age range, unless she is a virgin for religious reasons, in which case she'd probably want to STAY virging until marriage and would not have sex with you either ): And that too would only protect you from physical comparisons in terms of size, stamina etc. but not in terms of love and emotions. She might be a virgin and have liked/loved the ex more. He might have been a better kisser than you are...
This not to feed your paranoia, just to show you how when you start to follow this dysfunctional train of thoughts, you can't ever win; if it's not something it will be the other, maybe your chaste virgin girl... will have knitted a sweater for her ex and not for you and you'll resent that bitterly and will be jealous.
You need to change your thought structure, and the way you see yourself, rather than to go looking for the less experienced girl there's around.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2016):
I think it's fine having some "wishes" on your check-list, not just for yourself but FOR her sake too. A girl who have had more partners might NOT want to deal with a guy who is more worried about HER sexual past then building a future together.
I want to say this though, GO for girl whom you SHARE things in common with (in general) not just some one who has a similar sexual history.
Not wanting to date a woman with a LOT of past partners is OK in my book. But do it for the RIGHT reasons. Not because you think if you date someone who isn't a virgin YOU might not measure up.
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female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (2 May 2016):
It's fine. You want a woman on the same level as you.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 May 2016):
 Right is right...you are wise to do a "screening" of sorts to prequalify a lifelong commitment. Continue your "go slow" approach as long as you are selective you will be fine. Just remember the girls out there are likely doing the same thing so proceed with caution to avoid being hurt or hurting someone else. Best of luck!
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 May 2016):
 I think you are wise to identify before forming a relationship with someone who does have a past that this might be an issue for you in the long run. It sounds like you have two choices here...
'Screen' partners as you have described - there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, just recognize that you will necessarily write off some good women along with some promiscuous ones and it may take longer to find a girl who meets your criteria in this regard AND is someone you'd otherwise want to date. It is also worth noting that you may pass over a girl who's had (and actually had) x number of partners, and was honest when you asked, only to end up with a girl who claims to have had 1 or even zero partners when her true 'number' is actually much greater. Search this site for posts from women asking how to fake virginity... it happens.
Or simply don't ask for details, thereby depriving yourself of information to "measure" against.
By the time they reach your age range, many women with no faith-based objections to premarital sex have had at least some sexual experience, be it "everything but sex" like you have done, or full intercourse with someone they loved and hoped for a future with. If you're looking for a fellow virgin, the odds are not so favorable as they are if you'd accept a partner with one or two partners before you. If you adhere to a particular faith, you might try meeting women at church-sponsored outings or activities in search of one who has chosen to abstain.
Hope this helps. Good luck in your search, and best wishes!
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