A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My lover just had another baby with his wife. I am very sad and disappointed about this. Is this normal? I love the guy so much and he loves me too. We have been together for two years and has been married for three years. I have always respected his marriage, wife and kid to an extend that i dont know the wife but we live within the same area.Is it bad of me if im not happy for them? he sent me message to inform me of this, how should i respond? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (13 April 2011):
 This is very upsetting for you, and totally naturally so. But, it is also a clear sign to you that you are not in a good situation. You probably feel a mixture of hurt, betrayal, jealousy, guilt (at feeling like that towards the wife/child, who have done you no harm - but you have and are doing them harm), and just despair and panic about what he really feels and what he is doing.
Who knows if the pregnancy was planned, but it is pretty certain that it will strengthen rather than weaken his marriage. Two children are double the commitment and connection.
I'm sorry - this must be very hard for you, as you love him - but you really have to let him understand that either he is with you, or with her. This double life is no good for anyone, and has to stop. As soon as possible. And if you lose him, well, then you will find someone else. Who will be all yours.
Sometimes we have to walk through fire and just rely on our trust in things turning out ok. Things can't turn out ok for your until you make him choose.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): The guy does not love you, you are just a thrill for him when his wife doesnt want sex or when he is feeling horny!
If he really loved you he would have left his wife for you, but then he has shown that he is just a liar and a cheat.... not good husband material at all. Anyways, whatever he says is lies, TALK IS CHEAP!
I feel sorry for his wife and new baby, sorry dont feel sorry for you at all, you should have known better!
Any idea how his wife would feel if she found out about you - Oh Right - you dont care it is all about YOU.
Sorry to hit you with a 2 x 4 but I think you need to get your head straight!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 That's what happens when you settle for being second best. He doesn't love you. He loves having sex with another woman besides his wife. When she's not in the mood, you are. And vice- versa. You are being used. Otherwise he would already be with you and not making babies with anyone else. Honey, don't waste your time with this guy anymore. Tell him you wish him and his family the best, then change your phone number, move if you have to and don't look back. It's never going to change. You deserve more.
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A
male
reader, macdubh712  +, writes (12 April 2011):
"My lover just had another baby with his wife. I am very sad and disappointed about this." These are the first two sentences of your post and probably the most important. Strip away all emotion and read those two sentences again. Begging your pardon for my frankness, but do you realize how this sounds? If you come to the same conclusion that the rest of us do you have your answer.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (12 April 2011):
Even if he leaves his wife for you, you're still in trouble, because he's already demonstrated he's non-monogamous. And when this sort of man leaves his wife for his mistress, a position is automatically created.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2011):
 how can you expect to be happy for them?
his having another baby with his WIFE is like the death knell on your relationship esp if you ever expect him to leave her for you.
can I ask you why you are willing to settle for a lying cheat of a man?
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A
female
reader, spilledthebeans +, writes (12 April 2011):
You can read my story here-
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-threw-me-over-when-i-told-his.html
Things are certainly going to be rough, stay strong.
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A
female
reader, spilledthebeans +, writes (11 April 2011):
I have spent 7 months of my life with a married man- we just broke up 4 weeks ago. His wife was pregnant the entire time we were together. I only found this out in the end that she was pregnant. We have stopping talking and cut all ties and communication. I miss him a lot, I'm not going to lie about that. We had some really amazing times together, but also some bad times as I have caught him in so many lies its rediculous.
My heart was a million percent into the relationship- all I wanted was him. He and his wife just had the baby 3 weeks ago - a short time after I actually told his wife and we split up.
I can sympathize as I have been there. I just wanted to have a family with him and be with him. Obviously, he could not give me the same. It's sad to say that I did play second fiddle- I did not get 100 percent of him and I know it. Meanwhile, my entire life I have always said I would never be second to any man- here I am today to say that I played that part.
He is off in his own little world now- He basically threw me away so fast. It's hurtful.
I do realize he will not leave his wife. And your lover most likely will not either.
I realize now that I need to re-evaluate my life and figure out why I have accepted this kind of treatment, lies upon lies etc. And I do need to figure out within myself why I settled for less than what I know I deserve.
Sometimes when we are in a situation and fall in love, it is so hard to see the reality- and even if we do, we certainly don't want to believe it.
Trust me when I say- I do need to figure myself out- I do feel hurt and I will never forget this situation that I have gone through in all my life.
Get out now, don't even stick around. Honestly, because I was in the relationship that I was in- I blocked every other man out, could have passed the right man up, who knows? As long as you stay in the relationship- you will feel obligated to dedicate yourself to it and that's when you will lose yourself and great opportunities with available men who may just be what you were looking for all along.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 April 2011):
No he doesn't love you. Not even close. Far from it. When are you going to wake up and realize you are allowing him to walk all over you? How much longer will you sit back and be nothing to someone who doesn't care.
I agree with based51 - this is a sad situation. Your life is slipping away.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Its a clear sign things are going well in his relationship, despite what he might be telling you. He's in a committed relationship with his wife and things are going well enough for them to have sex together and make a baby. He's now committed fully, they've made a another baby, he has responsibilities and a family to think of. You're just on the side - a little appetizer/stress relief/fun/companionship on the side. She's the woman he loves enough to make a child with and continue being a family with. I agree with the poster below, go out there and start dating, don't waste your young years building a relationship that cannot go further than what it is now.
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A
female
reader, based51  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Of course it's normal for you to feel like this! You have developed feelings for him but you will never be his number one. Of course you are going to feel sad and upset.Do you think that this is maybe an indication that you want something on a deeper level rather than this part time relationship? Maybe you want a man to yourself who will make you his wife and give you a family. This man isn't going to leave his wife for you, I'm sure you know that already. If you want to keep seeing him I'd say you should just pretend you're happy for him and speak nothing more of it. If you don't cut all ties with him. Simple as that.However, even if you do keep seeing him, I suggest you see other people. You two aren't in a committed relationship so there's no reason you shouldn't right? Nothing serious, just get out there and meet new people and have casual dates. Don't make this married man your world when you are not his. By developing strong feelings for him you are giving him lots of control. Distance yourself a bit and see what else is out there. See all the nice single guys you could potentially be with. Maybe eventually you'll decide to give yourself something a little better than the scraps that a married man can offer you, because as long as you're with him that's all you're going to get. He's not in a position to give you anymore. I'm sorry you're in this sad situation.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (11 April 2011):
Are you kidding? Why is he having another baby? I mean, unless you two agree your affair will never move to another level, a new baby isn't good news for you. You should feel horrible because that means he never will left his wife.I don't tell you have to hate the baby, of course. Poor baby isn't guilty for what his father does. But, if you were thinking he will get divorced some day, this is a clear sign. He wont.
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