A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:With all this so easy to reach pornstuff these days and especially men of all age groups spending lots of time on pornsites, I wonder what happens to their sex drive and joy of having sex with there partners. It makes me sad to read from so many young women how little sex is going on in their bedrooms. How much they are worried not to be attractive enough or wanted by their partners. Do they (the man)leave all their sexuall energie at the computers?From my own experience I can just tell if my husband was on a pornsite before. It's hard for him to steer up any desire for having sex with me at the same day.I think I am not the only woman (still very attractive by the way)who gets hurt a lot in this way. Are you man out there aware of that?
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 Just because it's not the same, by definition a substitute is good enough that you no longer need what it is substituting. Your punching bag connection further shows my point. By punching the punching bag, punching a real person loses a lot of its interest. It doesn't matter if they're not exactly the same, they are "good enough" to take away from the original. Your emotional sarcastic response isn't doing much to further your point.
And men aren't judged on "wallet size" much more than women are, it's simply in the other direction. I have seen at least 20 or articles everywhere from The New York Times to Forbes to Cosmo and Glamour warning women that if they make too much money, they will emasculate their male partner and they will be cheated on, dumped, abused, or have a terrible sex life. It goes both ways. Rich men are no longer the norm for attractiveness now that women can make their own money. Far more women would rather have someone physically attractive and/or loving than rich. Further, when women are judged as commodities they are dehumanized and turned into things to be owned rather than human beings with feelings. When men are judged by their money, it's just one aspect of them that women like. One of these results in violence (rape, murder, in some countries, genocide) while one results in not getting laid as much. As well in order to know someone's wealth, you have to ask. Appearances are visible to absolutely everyone. For men money is only one part of what they are judged for, there are other defining qualities. Women are ONLY judged on their appearances. For instance, women MPs in the UK and senators in the US rarely get to talk about their politics in interviews and instead get quizzed on their outfits, diets, and haircare. They are criticized more for their bad haircut or flat chest than for their politics.
Also by definition if you hate feminism you are strongly against women's equality. If you are anti-feminism you automatically believe women are inferior since feminism is just believing in equality for women.
A
male
reader, tonik  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 I honestly see absolutely wrong in men watching porn, but given a fact that porn is fake, if you can have that in your mind then you won't be a pervert on your girlfriend and do things that are unreal. I watch porn for entertainment not as an replacement for my sex life. I think as a man if you can have that boundry then your sex life won't be affected. Just make sure you talk with your man because there might be certain which you are not doing to satisfy him which in the end results in your case. Please do not generalise as not all mean are not affected.
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male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (15 April 2011):
 "If porn is lowering women's "market value" by being a substitute for women and sex, that equates porn with real sex. It's basically an admission that porn is cheating."
Uhhh, yeah, you got me. That's exactly what I meant. Sure. By the same token, someone who plays "Grand Theft Auto" is secretly leading a life of crime. And anyone who kills a character in the game is guilty of murder.
Some do use porn as a substitute for sex (actually a sensible choice if they are substituting it for anonymous, promiscuous sex). A substitute, by definition, is not the same thing as what it is substituting. I might feel like hitting someone but substitute hitting a punching bag instead. Apparently in your view, punching the bag is the same thing as punching the person. Good luck finding anyone to agree with that.
People aren't really "commodities" but we are treated as such by the society we've built. In principle, everyone is equal. But anyone who's been in the real world knows this is not true in practice. People ARE assessed a market value, men included. Theirs happens to be based more on career success and income level. If women are offended at being judged on appearance, they should see how it feels to be liked for the size of your wallet.
Arguing with someone who gets all her ideas from feminism is like arguing with a religious fundamentalist or card-carrying member of a political party. These individuals don't do much independent thinking, they simply quote Bible scripture, party rhetoric, or in your case feminist dogma, to "prove" why they are right and everyone else is wrong.
I am not pro-porn. I have some serious moral objections to it, especially how it is made. Our judicial system is completely contradictory to make it illegal to pay someone to have sex with you, yet perfectly legal to pay two strangers to have sex with each other while being filmed. But I also object to the gross exaggerations, distortions, emotionalism, and sexist double standards to which those on the anti-porn side have been resorting. Is this a war on porn or on the men who use it, while females, gays and lesbians get a free pass?
And lest we think it is only porn which creates unrealistic expectations:
http://lifewise.canoe.ca/SexRomance/SexFiles/2010/07/28/14852201.html
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): Obviously there are boundaries but when we met I said I wished my wife didn't use her huge vibrator which gave her instant pleasure. I cannot compete with the monster. Luckily for me I don't have a porn addiction as it leaves me cold but I know plenty of men who have and it really causes more hassle than it is worth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): The Realist: It's not ridiculous, don't insult the OP, I feel sorry for men with that attitude, and I feel even more sorry for their girlfriends if they manage to get any. Person12345, I don't think anyone could of given a better answer. A lot of boys on here will argue their porn points out and try to justify their bad habbits, but the best thing to do is seek profesisonal advice instead of taking advice off defensive boys. There are real men out there that like sex with humans and not computers, and there are 'surprise surprise' men that will simply not do something that affects their woman. Since porn is said by men not to be a big deal..then why is it a big deal to stop, guys, think hard on that, cause if yoiu can't or won't stop, you need to think why that is, perhaps you need help?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 April 2011):
If porn is lowering women's "market value" by being a substitute for women and sex, that equates porn with real sex. It's basically an admission that porn is cheating. Especially since you place it in a completely different category from just masturbation by saying that it's new that men don't have to "rely on women for sex" anymore, since masturbation has existed ever since we had nerve endings and genitalia. If porn is able to fill the niche of sex with woman, it is equivalent to sex with a woman, and therefore is cheating in a monogamous relationship. I also find the idea that sex with women is described here as a commodity to be bought and sold and devalued like stock extremely insulting and just furthers the idea that women are not viewed as whole human beings but rather things to have sex with.Feeling desired is not a power to women. Women didn't "lose sexual power" since the ability to arouse men isn't a real power at all since it's completely and totally defined by men's libidos and not her or society. Therefore it is still in the realm of his power, not hers, since he has the ability to take away or giver her power at will. The ability to have a job that pays well, to own property, to have your own bank account, to do some of the same jobs men do (though women still can't make it past the 17% mark of upper tier jobs in almost all sectors), the legal ability to protect against rape, that's real power since no single person is able to decide whether she is awarded it or not based on his or her feelings. Women didn't even have many of those until the 70's or 80's and many of those "powers" still don't exist for women (such as protection from rape, since in my country only 3% of all rapes end in a conviction). The "power" to give guys boners isn't real power at all since she can't herself gain it, it must be awarded to her and there's very little she can do to change this power, since it is solely defined by how horny the man is. If this "power" only exists if he chooses to acknowledge it then it's not power at all. I can choose not to acknowledge the power of my government, but regardless of how I feel about it, the government still possesses immense power over me. If she doesn't even know she has this power and if it only exists when he says it does and is in the right mood, it's most definitely not real power. It is something men may dislike about themselves, but it certainly isn't power if she has no control over it and it is a completely subjective thing awarded on a subjective case by case basis.This idea that women frequently withhold sex to manipulate men is false. I'm sure it happens rarely/occasionally, just like people cheat occasionally and people do mean things to other people occasionally. But usually when men claim women are purposefully punishing men by withholding sex, it's because she has a perfectly legitimate reason, but he disagrees that her reason is legitimate. Case in point, one of the biggest news networks in the US did a story about how do deal with manipulative women who withhold sex. Among these "manipulative" reasons, she's angry, she feels powerless, and she's bored. Apparently most men do not see these as legitimate reasons to not have sex. Of course she's not having sex when she's angry. Most women aren't able to enjoy sex with someone they don't like at the moment.As to the OP's question, most scientific evidence about this shows that when people view porn, their satisfaction with their sex life and partner significantly decreases, in that they feel they aren't having enough sex, their partner isn't attractive enough, and that the sex isn't varied enough. This can, in some people, lead them to want sex less.This is clearly true for more than "just a few relationships" as stated below. Some statistics for you, it's estimated that 8% of the total population (both male and female) are addicted to pornography. In terms of conflict, there must be a great deal of conflict in many relationships, since 70% of men use porn occasionally, but only ~45% of women say they will tolerate porn use in a relationship (only 30% of women use porn themselves). According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, starting 2004 over 50% of all divorces cited porn use as a major reason for divorce. So this is fairly clearly having a huge effect on relationships.Have you pointed out to your husband how this is impacting his libido? He'd probably be pretty unhappy to know that he's getting to be a much worse lover and would hopefully step it up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Wow Cupid Boy that was one of the best explanations I've read on this site.
You make some excellent points. I especially like the withholding sex as means of domination and control thing. I haven't heard of a woman successfully doing that at all in a long time. I don't even know any women that think that's an option anymore. It used to be a tool a lot of women used to get what they want or to punish a guy. When we have such an easily accessible form of alternate sexual pleasure at our disposal that no longer works and actually has the opposite effect than the woman intended.
The double standard you spoke of is very real too, you don't see too many questions from guys complaining about their girlfriends use of porn and that's not because girls don't like porn. Lots do.
I suppose when it comes down to it, people view porn as just another weapon in the battle of the sexes, women that like porn are not viewed upon with the same disdain as men that use it are, because it's mainly women that hate porn and they hate men using it but not other women. These women really don't like the idea of their partner having an alternate method of sexual pleasure because it takes away their traditional power and control "be good and I'll let you have sex tonight" nowadays the guys response is "naw you're okay I'll just have a wank instead, 'night honey" The vibrator as tool for emasculating men is a very real issue for some guys especially if it's bigger than their penis but of course that's "different" it's not "real" but it is an issue for many guys that their girlfriends gain such obvious pleasure from another penis, whether plastic or flesh. But it works both ways, if a guy chooses porn over sex with his girlfriend then that's an issue, if a girl chooses a vibrator over sex with her boyfriend that's the same issue.
Blaming porn or vibrators for your partners lack of sexual consideration is not going to solve the problem, only good communication and compromise will do that.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (13 April 2011):
This complaint seems not uncommon nowadays, and is ironic considering that before the Internet, we most often heard the exact opposite. Women would complain that their partners wanted sex too often, that it was a chore or a marital "duty" to be endured, and that "men only want one thing". Now it's "Why doesn't he want that one thing anymore??" Look at it this way, men not badgering their wives for sex is a scenario your great-grandmothers would have envied. Be careful what you wish for.
Porn seems to be diluting women's "market value" as providers of sexual gratification. Obviously, nobody in a position of power ever wants to lose it. Neither did men when their position as head of the household and breadwinner was challenged. They've had to accept the fact that women don't need them as providers anymore. Now we see the beginnings of men no longer needing women for sex. Not sure if this will be good or bad in the long run but it is the new reality. For those women who withhold or ration sex the way men used to control money and property to exert control, this is bad news.
Men underwent an identity crisis of sorts after losing their provider role. If women now feel redundant and unnecessary to no longer be "needed" in the bedroom, or find it ego-bruising to be sexually rejected, that's nothing guys haven't experienced. If they survived it, so can you.
I do agree that a long-term, loving relationship is incompatible with having a secret porn habit and it is indeed sad when this jeopardizes otherwise healthy relationships. But it's hardly surprising to see porn come up as a symptom of bad and controlling relationships.
By the way, considering how vibrators and erotica are seen as not just acceptable but as symbols of women's rights and empowerment -- and women who watch porn (a full third of all users) are never accused of exploiting women, betraying their spouses, or damaging their brains -- there's obviously a major and arbitrary double standard working against men on this issue.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (13 April 2011):
 I agree with Cerberus. It's your husband being inconsiderate and selfish not the porn. If he had masturbated to a naughty video you made for him would you still be upset if he had no desire for sex that day?
And not all men have the problem of a low sex drive after looking at porn. My man can get off to porn and then be practically begging for sex twice in the same day. Sometimes men need to be selfish and take care of themselves without the pressure of pleasing their women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): It does the same thing to our sex drives that vibrators do to women's sex drives or even unassisted masturbation does. If you use it sparingly it won't hinder your performance or your drive.
Your sex problem has nothing to do with porn, why blame porn when it's your husbands inconsiderate masturbation that is the problem. He's probably had the same problem not being able to perform after masturbating to mental images of your sister or cousin. Is that porn's fault too?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): To watch porn whilst in a relationship is totally
disrespectful unless both partys agree to it
lots of men that are into porn do it secretly so they know that its hurtful and can harm the relationship but still carry on regardless
Watching porn makes your women feel like they are ugly
unatractive and unsexy and basically that you prefer looking
at the women in the porn rather than at them.
Have a little respect for your women guys and pay them the
attention instead of wasting it on rubbish
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Check out the average male testosterone levels in the 1940s-50s compared to now. The problem isn't porn, it's the environmental toxins that we get bombarded with throughout our lives. Men's sex drives are suffering from it much more than women. Porn isn't helping but its influence wasn't very big until recently.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): YES I DO KNOW WHAT PORN DOES TO MY SEX DRIVE! It cools it off down to a normal level!! Now if my girl would have sex with me at least every second day then my sex drive wouldn't be needing any cooling off...Porn can be help too, you know!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Someone once told me that if there is enough of a common theme throughout an argument, then yes, it is OK to generalise!!! So you are right OP, there are lots of cases on this site where women are suffering a lack of sex due to their partner's porn use. I was one of them!!! When my partner was watching porn, he was a selfish jerk! There were no goodies left over for me. I tried to compromise and we even watched a porn movie together, until I noticed he was more interested in what was going on, on the screen, than he was with me. So I said "you can turn that off now", I've no longer any interest in it!!I've certainly heard of this happening to other women too. Perhaps he was trying to imagine he was in a group orgy!!! He too, struggled to come inside of me, always having to finish himself off by wanking, which too destroyed my self esteem! Then the doubts creep in about whether it is in fact ME that is the problem. But, I have a healthy interest in sex and I don't like to go too long without it. I'm adventerous and pretty much willing to do anything. And, I believe most women are. The males posting on this site always seem to have a dim view of women (I think one of the posters kept using the word manipulation)!!! The odd thing is, if my bf's interest wasn't diluted by porn, we'd probably have been at it all the time, like we were in the beginning!! So, if the men think that by viewing porn it actually HELPS your sex life, then how wrong can you be!! I certainly didn't feel sexy after I knew by bf had viewed porn, in fact it had the opposite effect, so it was a no win situation. I have to say that when he did give it up (he had no opportunity to use it at home or at work), then yes, our sex life improved and he was able to finally ejaculate inside of me!There are also certain fallacies about porn which I'd like to clear up. Some men have said on here that they watch for the action only and don't remember the starlets. I say Bull Shit. Any time I've ever looked at porn, I can recall exactly what they look like (I could even run a sequence from the film in my head). I believe this is called imprinting!! I can remember finding one of my brothers jiz mags 35 years or so ago and I can still remember the story, pictures and sequence of events. So until men start fessing up without lying their socks off, then some open discussion can commence. The other fallacy I've read (and heard) from men is that the "women in porn look like dirty bitches who are really ENJOYING themselves"!!! And hell, the men want a piece of that!! Uh,hello, it's just a job to them, right!! Most people I know DO NOT enjoy their jobs, but it's a means to an end and it puts food on the table. So the next time you men want to play with your wazzer when watching porn, get the thought in your head that the women is NOT actually enjoying herself, she's there to earn a living, and if I had to earn a living that way, I'm fairly certain my soul would be destroyed. Someone mentioned on this site before about a young porn star called Sasha Grey (I think that's what her name is) and said how business savy she was and how she enjoys what she does. So, I looked up an interview she was on and I've never seen a more soul destroyed young lady - it's all in the eyes folks and she had what I call "dead eyes", rather like a shark. I rather got the impression it was some form of get back at her parents, or her father!!! Also, the guy on this post who kept using the word "manipulation", as though women do this all the time. Not true Buddy. It seems the men who have come to this site looking for answers, are already emotionally compromised and perhaps have had a difficult time with a woman and hence their views are somewhat clouded.
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male
reader, The Realist +, writes (12 April 2011):
 I think you're ridiculous. I mean yes some men have issues with porn but so do some women where it affects the bedroom relationship. It's really a case to case bases. I watch porn and am always ready to have sex with my gf. It's not an addiction its just some relaxing personal time with videos or images that us men know are not typical women going through typical behaviors. Every so often porn hurts a relationship but that is not a general statement. When it is at fault it is for that specific relationship only.
You're basing this rant on one experience when the truth is it happens far less then you think. People in general, not just men need to understand how to use porn and what its purpose is. I'm sorry you had a bad experience but an overgeneralization is a terrible thing to do. It's like blaming the world for one event that has happened to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Porn is a good way to get release and physical pleasure when my gf isn't in the mood (she has a much lower sex drive then me).
Also, a lot of women withhold sex as a way to manipulate their bf or husband. Porn is a good way to get release without giving in to a woman's attempts to manipulate a man.
Fortunately, once a man gets the release and his desire for sex is reduced, the woman doesn't have much power to manipulate him any more.
It also reduces conflict if the woman is never in the mood for sex because the man doesn't feel compelled to badger her for sex.
So, in answer to your question, yes I'm aware of what porn does to my sex drive. That's one of the main reasons I watch porn.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 It's a sickness, just like any other addictions like too much alcohol, drugs, gambling. They all have the ability to destroy relationships. Men are always so quick to justify their behaviors and make us look like the bad guys here. Yet if the tables were turned, and suddenly we were getting all our sexual pleasure from virtual hunks while using s vibrator, then when our men want a little action, we just yawn and roll over. Their egos would take a huge hit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet twice as many men would just go have sex outside their marriages. Whereas we tend to suffer in silence, too embarrased to talk about it to anyone else or to actually go through with an affair. To me it's a form of cheating. It's one thing for a man who is alone and has no sexual outlets to use porn occassionally for release. That is completely understandable. But I will never quite grasp why men who are in happy relationships with relatively attractive women, who still get all their pleasures through other menas, leaving their women cold. That's just wrong on so many levels. And selfish.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): I really don't think they do sadly. I'm 22, been with my boyfriend three years. He's 32, he doesn't so much look at porn videos, but he always looked at pictures of horrible women, you know the kind; white blonde hair, orange greasy tan, round silicone boobs that don't move cause they're so fake!
I don't understand it myself, I'm ten years younger than him, I'm not big headed, but I'm not bad looking, I have a slim figure and decent boobs, I've also done some modelling, but my boyfriend seems to be more sexualy interested in this plastic image rather than the natural me. I can also tell when he's been looking at stuff. I've broken up with him numerous times over this. He's finally stopped now, and I am AMAZED by the difference in the bedroom.
When he used to look at porn he could NEVER ejaculate during sex, he had to finish himself off and this was awfull for my self esteem. After years of him doing this, even though I did everything in the bedroom and let him do anything with me, and he couldn't have sex like a normal man, it lead me down the road of depression and I got pretty ill. But when he stopped literally a two weeks later he could have sex like a normal man! He could ejaculate inside of me and I couldn't believe he could actually perfprm for the first time properlly, much more of a turn on for me.
It's so unhealthy for men to train their minds to only find women in pornography sexually stimulating. It's not like they're even attractive. I can laugh about it now, but to think of the amount of times he'd lose me to porn still makes me sometimes question if he deserves me, I could probably do better but he's finally broken out of his porn adiction and I'm proud of him for it.
Thing is, a lot of men are always going to act like it's their right to watch porn no matter how it hurts their woman. So many questions posted here about this, and there's always a man arguing a point that we are trying to control them and we should get over it.. to those who think that way, you are sexist, inexperienced, and more and more women are getting rid of porn addict losers.
If porn's not a big deal, then it shouldn't be a big deal not using it? Try having sex with a woman and not a computer, just saying...
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female
reader, smiliek +, writes (12 April 2011):
 it doesnt happen to all men. My hubby wants me the same day he's done something himself (which isn't very often anyway) perhaps it'll affect him more as we get older in which case i'll ask that he not use it if i miss out. Or that he at least do something for me If he's not up for sex because he's done something himself. Have you tried asking your hubby for that kinda compromise?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 I'm sure you won't like the answer to your rethorical question. I'll be the impolite person to give it. Yes, the men are usually aware of what happens with their sex drives.
Sorry.
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