A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it better to be honest with one's partner or to withhold the truth about something that you know might lead them to reconsdider being in the relationship? I see so many people advocate for dishonesty in relationships, and I don't understand it. People who rationalize their lies as them "protecting" their partner from pain. Can people actually live at peace in a relationship knowing that they are lying about something that might make their partner leave them? Is it rare for people to actually want unconditional love...meaning that they would want to risk telling thier partner truths, with the potential reward that their partner love them unconditionally? How long can someone actually last in a relationship knowing that they have deceived their partner and have been telling lies before they start to realize that the relationship is truly empty and that the potential for greater love has been stunted due to lies? How is true intimacy possible when there are lies of this caliber? Am I alone in thinking that lies don't belong in a serious relationship? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): If you love somebody why would you want to hurt him/her?
Being free of guilt that you caused is selfish. Keep it yourself and stew in it. Real love shouldn't hurt..if does, is it real?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): It's only the liars who say the lying is necessary to make relationships work. Funny how you practically never hear that opinion from someone who was lied to.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 November 2010):
 I don't believe unconditional love exists. If it did, I don't believe I could respect it. Some things are just flat-out dealbreakers, no matter what the nature of the relationship is.
As for honesty, part of the problem is getting into the trap of "I don't want to hurt this person." If that's the whole reason for not cheating, what's the incentive not to cheat when you know you can get away with it? Incentives matter. Rather, I choose not to cheat because I don't want to be "that guy" who cheats and lies about it. It's important to me that I be better than that. I won't cheat no matter who I'm with so long as that is my priority.
When people are more concerned with consequences than with principles, they will always find exceptions. That's why I reject advice that claims "people always find out, so it's better to tell yourself." No, many people get away with it. People go to their grave thinking they've had faithful spouses. So I concern myself more with my own moral and spiritual well-being.
If I'm with someone, they deserve the best I can be.
No one's perfect, obviously. I've never cheated, but I have hurt people's feelings before, sometimes deeply. Apologizing is hard, and sometimes I don't really see that I was the one in the wrong until it's too late to do anything. But I step up and do the best I can - and doing the right thing is fortunately, habit-forming.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Well with experience in this type of situation, I think that people should just give a brief explanation about their past, especially their sexual past, if you're a woman and you want to tell a man everything about your past, I suggest that perhaps you choose your words WISELY as us men have a VERY fragile mindset, and explicit details such as where it happened, whether it was good or not, size, name of the man, where he or they are from, etc, can REALLY put a damper on your relationship. I understand that A LOT of women want "unconditional" love, but honestly certain details just are sooooo hard to get over, as they stick in a man's head and the images can be detrimental, to the point where he'll start to build anger, anguish, sadness, and later feel disgusted by his partner, that eventually and although he tries to fight it and work through it, it just WON'T work, causing the relationship to have to come to an end... So my advise is,DON'T talk about things that you aren't asked about, and if asked,PLEASE be politically correct, no matter HOW confident the man seems to be, because even though women think otherwise, I think that 80% of men REALLY do NOT want to marry what they may consider a slut.. So ladies PLEASE choose your words and stories WISELY...
...............................
A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 I personally the issue of honesty as one that walks the line between how things should be and how things are.
In a perfect world, full honesty would exist in all relationships and we'd be able to accept everything about the pasts of our partners without blinking an eye. We'd be able to face each and every truth with love and empathy and the impulse to judge would be furthest from our minds. Our partners will have lead lives we could respect and each of those experiences would have prepared them for a mature and loving relationship with us. As nice as that would and as much as we think it should be, it's not the way things are.
People lie in relationships for a lot of different reasons and not the least of these is because they themselves aren't willing to face the truth or they don't think their partners could face the truth. The fear of being judged for your past is not an easy thing to deal with and the fear of losing the one you love is much worse.
The upshot is there shouldn't be lies in a relationship, but in practice, there are because people aren't perfect. Not everyone can handle the truth and not everyone can dish it out. If you want more truth and fewer lies in your life, you have to show that you're the type of person that can handle truth and you have to find those who are willing to be truthful.
P.S. I've already decided not to tell my kids that Santa Claus exists as a person, but that he's a symbol of the giving spirit.
...............................
A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Lying about that funny sound? Fine with me. Lying to cover up shady behavior, severe debt, cheating, criminal activity, marital history, etc. -all quite unlovable.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Santa doesn't exist?!?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Cerberus..You are surely a most enlightened person and give excellent answers, as this one proves for the OP.
The OP sounds gripped to me personally by some experience that she has gone thorough, as I feel quite an intensity attached to her question. Where an distorted view of what qualifies as deal breaking lies to the normal telling children a Santa Claus exists, when we all know he doesn't!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): "to withhold the truth about something that you know might lead them to reconsdider being in the relationship"
This is manipulation, pure and simple.
"Can people actually live at peace in a relationship knowing that they are lying about something that might make their partner leave them?"
Usually not, particularly if they love the other person. They know that they are being false and manipulative and it hurts the relationship in subtle ways. True "intimacy" never really develops. Not only do they know that the person they love can't trust them (because they are lying to them), but they can't really trust the other person that they are lying to because they think that is how the other side works as well.
"How long can someone actually last in a relationship knowing that they have deceived their partner and have been telling lies before they start to realize that the relationship is truly empty and that the potential for greater love has been stunted due to lies?"
Sadly, this can go on for an entire lifetime.
"How is true intimacy possible when there are lies of this caliber?"
It really isn't possible for it to develop. There is always a wall up between the partner and the person who lies, because they have to continue lying (year after year after year).
"Am I alone in thinking that lies don't belong in a serious relationship?"
No, you are not. Here is an exemplary tale.
I've been through this with my spouse, who lied about her past when she met me, and after years of painful suppression (and ongoing lying and secrecy) started using drugs and alcohol to dim the pain. Which use she also hid and lied about. Lying about her drug use led to a greater and greater divide emotionally, because when you are hanging out with people "friends" at their house and doing bong hits and drinking on top of it you can't very well come home and tell your spouse the truth about what you were doing when they were watching the children after they got home from work and gave you a break. Then she started hanging out with other people who used drugs as well and lying about that. Which led to her hanging out with people who she shouldn't have been hanging out with, guys who gave her a lot of attention, which led to an affair during her period of greatest drug and alcohol use. The end result is she had to lie about the affair, where she had been, where she was when I'd call her cell phone, and on, and on, and on.
Even though she ended the affair, and eventually the drug use, our marital relationship was a shambles because of her guilt and shame, and this (guilt and shame) didn't get better over the years, it got worse as she had to continue to pile lie upon lie to keep the truth hidden.
Eventually the truth came out. She started to feel better with a lot of counseling, which thankfully we can afford.
However, the truth she hid from me in the very beginning of the relationship, which she thought would make me not want to be with her, and which she thought would lead me to leave her, was not nearly as significant as the lying that went on, not even close, and wouldn't have altered my perceptions or desire to be with her at all.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Everyones different OP, there are lots of people that can live like that.
You say lies don't belong in a serious relationship but we lie to loved ones all the time, big lies, with good intentions and people find that acceptable. Parents lie to their kids about Santa Claus for example. They do it with the intention of creating happiness and making xmas a special time. But it is in fact a huge lie, there is no santa claus and our society perpetuate those lies, they're seen as good. There are lots of other examples, we lie to people all the time.
Someone who lies in a relationship to protect that relationship can rationalize it in the same way as the santa claus myth. I don't think many parents lose much sleep about lying about xmas and there are people that can do that about lying to their partner too.
You have to remember there are people who would prefer to be lied to than to face the truth. They'd rather their partner kept certain truths from them in order to protect them, their feelings and the relationship.
Being willing to self sacrifice for yourself for your partner is important so living with a lie to protect them can be considered that.
Perhaps for you lies kill relationships, yet you must have lied lots in your relationships. Saying "nothing's wrong", or "it doesn't matter" when it is. If you say that you have never, ever lied not even once in any relationship then that would be a lie. White lies are still lies, but then what a white lie is, is up to the individual.
I know a girl that dumped a guy because he wasn't always honest with her about her appearance. Even when she had visibly gained weight he told her she wasn't fat etc. For her that was a deal breaker, other girls I know would dump the guy if he ever said she was fat. So even those lies then are ones that some people want to hear. Because the truth can hurt and it's a truth they don't want to hear, they want reassurance not the truth.
You might not believe that lies are part of a serious relationship, but the fact is lies of varying degrees are. That's a fact. The degree of seriousness given to lies varies from person to person as does the willingness to hear the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (14 November 2010):
A healthy partnership/relationship is based in trust, honesty, respect, sexual attraction, good communication, love and committment.
Unconditional love and conditional love are two very different creatures. Most people enter into conditional love contracts with deal-breaker clauses - infidelity, theft and abuse being deal-breakers. We probably come closer to a feeling of unconditional love with our children. No matter what they do our hearts love them - we will fight and die for them. We love them unconditionally.
When someone cheats or steals, etc in a relationship, they KNOW this is a deal-breaker. If their partner finds out - it is over emotionally. Maybe they will have stay together because of the finances and maybe for the kids, but it is over emotionally. If stronger finances, they will probably split up - with the wife and kids staying in the house and the husband moving to an apartment. BIG change. Frightening change. Also, the humiliation of being exposed for being a cheat. Exposure for breaking up the family. The risk is big.
I think it is probably likely that those who have broken up over infidelity, has been because the cheating was DISCOVERED and not because of confession. People are scared of the outcome of revealing being a cheat. It is dressed up as 'I don't want to hurt them'. This is just pure selfishness dressed up as benevolence. You have aleady hurt them, you just don't want to be punished for it.
People often want to receive unconditional love (if you loved me you'd forgive me and understand me) but would not be prepared to give it if the situation were reversed. Double standards.
Yes, I think people can live in peace with a secret. Yes. I think after a little while, it will be out of mind. People can compartmentalise their behaviour and literally edit it out - put it in another box. Doesn't make it right, but yes, I think people CAN do it.
Do lies belong in a relationship. Well, what kind of lies? I think there is room for little white lies. Yes, you're cooking is really improving..no, your bum does not look big in that.
Hope this has helped...xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Natalie:) +, writes (14 November 2010):
 i think people who keep big things from their partners are crazy, it's interesting to watch them claim that it's the telling the other partner that will ruin the relationship rather than what they actually did. I guess people do want unconditional love, well i would like it, but not in the sense that i can get away with whatever i want and just be a mindless idiot whilst my poor partner who unconditionally loves me is sat at home unable to leave someone who is hurting him
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): Well Sweet..
This a question quite a lot of people wonder about but just never actually ask. To be honest unconditional love in my opinion comes from your heart, deep inside; the kind of love that only comes from complete trust in a person...Just to know that they want exactly the same as what you want or are indeed looking for. If they and you both trust each other completely and feel for each other physically and emotionally then surely they or you would'nt be able to lie to you or you to them about anything... Trust tends to go hand in hand with honesty so once you find the perfect person who offers and welcomes unconditional love then surely you will find happiness right... I certainly did and I hope you do to
...............................
A
male
reader, citic101  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Tell them the truth , if they love you they will accept that you are trying to help them
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): in a real relationship there is no need for lies. Real lovers/partners/soul mates are also each others best friend. They never want to cheat on each other. They rebuff any offer from outside their relationship as their first loyalty is to their beloved. If there is a problem they discuss it, negotiate like two adults, and resolve it together. They willingly want share their lives, dreams and ambitions unconditionally and feel free to discuss any subject. Without fear of judgemental comments like 'oh yuk' or 'that's disgusting'. But it takes time and maturity to reach this level of equilibrium.
...............................
|
