A
female
age
51-59,
*lain Jane
writes:I really need someone out there to help me this important decision of my life.....I am 35 years old and has been trying very very hard to go after a guy of 43 years old for the past 2 years. He is a successful businessman, financially stable, handsome, kind, tough and he is every women's dream lover.He is a workaholic, he works almost 360 days a year.His office is first home.We are work related and we have been calling each other everyday, he works in an agency and I am in a supplier firm, he needs me very much in order to make the business grow.There are a few ladies trying to get him out at the same time including a married woman, it is a pretty tough competition but I knew he has put me on top priorty in terms of dating, probably is becos is due to work related matters.Everytime I have to do the dating request, for movies and dinner or lunch only ! I can't ask for more and so far, i don't get a chance to do some physical contact with him eg. holding his arms, lying on his shoulder and not even a kiss ! He really know how to avoid all these contact. I have been very depress, Insomia, stress, desperate to make the relation advance a further step but this uphill battle is really tough...I have been searching for the answer ? Is he waiting for someone ? am I now his cup of tea ? What is he holding on ?I am trying to find a way to do the confession but he is mostly busy with his work. Just last week, I got to know a very important piece of news that has changed my point of view.An old friend of his ex girlfriend told me that he is having an "erectile dysfunction' problem.She left him becos of this problem and she is now married to another man.Good news - I finally found the answer, I felt a big relief after 2 years of struggle.There isn't / won't be any competitors afterall :)Bad news - I truly fell in love with him and how will I accept this non sexual relationship for life?I am setting a deadline on Jun, to confess to him that I do not mind to go on this relationship eventhough he is 'lacking' of something physically...but am I am to go on ? I really don't know.I am confuse and unsure what will the result turn out to be...Is sex as important as communication, compatibality, and all other ingredients in a relationship ?Question: Does anyone ever came across a non sexual relation ?Please please please help me ~~~~Plain Jane
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female
reader, Plain Jane +, writes (22 January 2008):
Plain Jane is verified as being by the original poster of the question ** sorry it cud be a long note but i would like u to understand the conversation I plan for this Sunday nite**3 Years of waiting and trying all out has make me feel eager to conclude the entire episode. ** I dont’ intend to have children**I am planning for a dinner with him and follow by a drink at a pub and we can start chatting from there,knowing him for 3 years, i never had a chance to sit and talk one to one with him besides during meals. I thought I could make the situation in a relaxing way 1stly by talking about other stuff – related to betrayal and then asking him if he has been betrayed by a friend before? If he said no, perhaps I would reply :I have something I am not sure if I could tell you or not since is just you and me but I’m afraid if I share it with you, maybe you may want to end this friendship forever or you may hate me for life.....I dunno.If he ask : why do you say like this ?My reply - To me it is a serious issue ‘cos recently after being cheated by my Boss ( which is true) I felt very hurt and I thought about you.I would say something like , do you remember your friend, Jenny ? before she left for France, she left your secret behind....bla bla bla. .....at the same time – I would also want to share with him, his so called – 2nd girlfriend ( a married woman and also his client ) – tainted his name by claimning to be his girlfriend and some gossips in town about his ‘affair’ ( some with evidences stories) –many people seen them went pubbing before but that was an old stories about 4-5 years ago ( i was not exist yet). In 2006, I personally met her during a tour group trip with HIM, HER and I.. It was a coincidence. She was with a group of female friends, I was with my family members and he is the organiser. She has the feeling of jealous towards me and boast around that he bought an LV bag for her. I was very very hurt and he doesn’t know, after the trip, i got backfire by her to some of my friends she knew. She talks bad things and unrealistic stuff about me. He doesn’t know too. ( i planned to pour everything to him on that nite)The reason I wanna said all out is indirectly to ask him to disassociate with his woman which could hurt his reputation further if he still continue contacting her.Conclusion of the night I am going to tell him – no matter what gossips other people are saying by right, i should hate you but I dunno why I still like you and I trust you are not this type of person. I am still at your side. I do have guys going after me even till today but I am a loyal person and would prefer to remain as single for life rather than going out with a man I dont like. You can call me old fashion but that’s my pride...!That night I think will drive on my own.( i am scare he would just walk out from the room and left me behind) Usually he will pick me whenever we go out.( ending myself with a high note ?) About him : he is a ‘reputable’ person in his industry. To him - trust, image, reputation, career and branded goods are important.He is arrogrant, stubborn but can still listen if it is logical, charitable and kind hearted internally. He looks tough, stern and rough but he is a timid ( if he faces eg. Some gangster fight he would be the first one to runaway)I took an effort to get to know his mom and his mom like me too. She is hoping I could be her daughter in law one day...
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I have asked you for more information in reply to the email you sent me Jane. Regarding telling him you know about his "secret"... BIG MISTAKE!!!!! All you will do is undermine him and make him feel very small in your presence, it will put pressure on him and BIG walls will be built between you and for that reason I strongly recommend you do NOT make any mention of this.
Eve
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A
female
reader, Plain Jane +, writes (21 January 2008):
Plain Jane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI desperately want to win him but I think I would fail if I do not reveal to him that I knew about his sexual disability ‘cos that is man’s most important ego. And he would not mention this to me for life !!
I will be asking him out this weekend and I have planned to tell him that I knew about his secret, that his ex girlfriend has betrayed him. I am prepared to accept the negative impact – he would not talk to me anymore ? Angry with me ?
or could it be a relief for him and he will accept me as his girlfriend since I knew about it ? i would tell him no matter what, I still like him, is not out of sympathy or he is rich...but is the true feeling for him.
I knew he already has feelings for me, is just that he try to avoid me to create further development for the feeling.
Can I have your view please ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): I agree with Eve!!! xxx
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A
female
reader, Plain Jane +, writes (29 December 2007):
Plain Jane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your time, Peoriaman, I Dont Lie, Askeve, India....I have always wanted to move on to the next guy but I still cannot find 'him' who cud beat this old Gucci cow !so in the mean time I still cling to him and work harder as usual for and getting a gift from him can add some perks in my lfe :) ( I'm trying to console myself but I cannot lie to my true feeling )Perhaps I would like to share with you about this man's character -from his outlook - he is tough, stern, trustful ( as friend and biz ), loud and hard workingHis inner - he is a timid ( he said he would be the first to run if there is a fight )I am quite agree that he cud be a shy guy internally but he has to act tough and physically well kept in order to hide his inner weakness??This relationship has really tested my patience and forgiving skill as I knew that rushing into the relationship may bring an ugly scene and both of us are work related. That's why it took me 2 years to confess to himThis year is my 1st time I gave him a Xmas present, with a little note written as - " A baby is born with a need to be loved. Life without love is like a tree without blossoms “ – Merry Lovely Christmas.And the next day while we were on the phone, I asked him if he has opened the present, he said he did and asked me not to buy him gifts in future( not sure if he doesn’t want me to waste money ??). I told him, he is the only person I bought for cos to me Xmas present is only for the people you loved. He laughed - not loud ( sound genuine )Can u pls tell me from guy's mind :Does guys usually have one idea but act the opposite way out ? I mean phisically and mentally or rather does not speaks the truth/ same what he has in mind ?I have always wanted to give him a good bye kiss before I get out from his car but I feared that he might moved his head away ?I wanted to hold his arm while watching movie but he usually fold his both arms....or lie my head on his shoulder ?I suspect he cud have some feelings for me by now but I've always have to make the 1st move. are guys easily shy to hold a lady's hand ? I think he is more comfortble with me now than before the confession.I knew we are the middle age group but my heart is just like youngsters...I have never encountered such a tough relationship before but I wanted to win this 'game' very much ! I don’t intend to have any childrenIn 2006, he used to reject me for going movies and lunch or dinner but i insisted ( force him out - he needs me for biz and we went out, I can feel like he is entertaining me) but now he easily agrees to go for a movie - probably we’ll go next weekend cum dinner , is there any 'physical' suggestion I cud try ?Jane
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 December 2007):
Thank you for getting in touch. I read your question carefully and it seems to me that this is indeed a very caring man, but also a very clever one. He NEEDS you in order to make his business grow, you are his supplier and without your business expertise he feels his business could lose out financially and THIS is the reason he is "keeping you sweet" and staying in your good books.
He has already told you there is no chemistry there with him. He just doesn't fancy you in that way. However he likes you as a friend and of course you are making him very rich so of course he's going to go out of his way a little for you.
No amount of talking will change this man's mind. Whether he has erectile problems is irrelevant and I wouldn't read too much into that. He has also told you that he is a "normal" guy and that he DOES in fact get aroused.
Have you considered the fact that he might be gay? This is a long shot but it is possible.
Get back to me if you have any more questions or anything else you would like to tell me about this friendship.
Eve
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (27 December 2007):
 Plain Jane,
The problem here at this very moment isn't about his ability to perform sexually, or the lack thereof shall we say. It is about how he hasn't even made any 'solid' moves on you yet after all these years. He's checked up on you, yes, he's treating you well, yes, but you're not getting the most crucial signal from him, which is his gesture of affection.
You may wait till June to tell him how you feel, just to buy a little bit more time, but ask yourself this, is another 6 months down the line going to change anything about his feelings towards you, regardless of whether or not he feels the same way about you or not? I honestly doubt it. All you're setting yourself up for is a huger dissapointment if the feelings are not reciprocated. I suggest you tell him how you feel sooner rather than later, if you need to really get this off your chest, which I think you do! If it goes well, great, if not, than at least you've saved yourself from living in denial for another 6 months, which could be just about enough time for you to get over him and start anew.
Personally, although I do think that a non-sexual relationship is possible, I also honestly think its not a very healthy sort of arrangement. Men and women have needs emotionally and physically, and thats how we are all wired! If you take either one out of the equation, it leaves you with a non-balanced relationship. I guess another way to see it is this, if you are already finding it frustrating that you do not get any physical contact from him (holding hands, lying on his shoulder, kisses, etc), imagine it to be a whole lot more frustrating if sex was completely out of the equation. There is also the question of not being able to have children of your own, which is of course something you have to decide on.
To summarise, I do not think at all for one second this guy is no good for you, just that there are too many red flags about him that you need to really reconsider. Don't choose to be with him just because you think he's the only good bloke left on earth, there are other good men out there. Good luck.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (27 December 2007):
Plain Jane,
The problem here at this very moment isn't about his ability to perform sexually, or the lack thereof shall we say. It is about how he hasn't even made any 'solid' moves on you yet after all these years. He's checked up on you, yes, he's treating you well, yes, but you're not getting the most crucial signal from him, which is his gesture of affection.
You may wait till June to tell him how you feel, just to buy a little bit more time, but ask yourself this, is another 6 months down the line going to change anything about his feelings towards you, regardless of whether or not he feels the same way about you or not? I honestly doubt it. All you're setting yourself up for is a huger dissapointment if the feelings are not reciprocated. I suggest you tell him how you feel sooner rather than later, if you need to really get this off your chest, which I think you do! If it goes well, great, if not, than at least you've saved yourself from living in denial for another 6 months, which could be just about enough time for you to get over him and start anew.
Personally, although I do think that a non-sexual relationship is possible, I also honestly think its not a very healthy sort of arrangement. Men and women have needs emotionally and physically, and thats how we are all wired! If you take either one out of the equation, it leaves you with a non-balanced relationship. I guess another way to see it is this, if you are already finding it frustrating that you do not get any physical contact from him (holding hands, lying on his shoulder, kisses, etc), imagine it to be a whole lot more frustrating if sex was completely out of the equation. There is also the question of not being able to have children of your own, which is of course something you have to decide on.
To summarise, I do not think at all for one second this guy is no good for you, just that there are too many red flags about him that you need to really reconsider. Don't choose to be with him just because you think he's the only good bloke left on earth, there are other good men out there. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (27 December 2007):
 Why wait around for this guy? He can't offer you anything physical, and he's clearly not giving you enough (if ANYTHING) emotionally. So far, it seems that he has only given you a Gucci wallet.
If he has Erectile Dysfunction, it can be helped with therapy, perhaps medical attention, and yes there are lots of ways to still enjoy each other and have a fulfilling relationship without the erections. However, he just doesn't seem interested in pursuing one with you or he already would have.
Don't let this guy keep you around as a backup plan (which is sort of what it sounds like he's doing). Say "so long" to him and find a guy who can give you the attention, respect, and the emotional, physical fulfillment that you deserve!!
This guy has wasted enough of your time. You're not getting any younger and you don't have time to play his games or to wait around for him. Find someone who is totally worth your time. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Good luck, sweetness!!
xx India
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A
female
reader, Plain Jane +, writes (26 December 2007):
Plain Jane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy Update – I confessed to him last Jun07 but his reply was – there is no chemistry between us. He insisted that he is a normal guy who can get aroused. I told him that to me, emotional relationship is more important to a physical one. He kept quite. He wants me to be his good friend.
Last Aug07, I took 2 weeks leave to China for holidays without informing him. He call me a few times and I did not pick up his call. He went to my office to search for me ‘cos he didn’t believe that I went on leave without informing him. ....asking around my colleagues and ‘concern’ about my whereabout. After my returning to work, he came to look for me and told me that he keep reading newspapers ‘cos he was worry about me.
After this incident, he is treating me better in the sense of better communications , we went for movies and dining as usual.
On the eve of my Birthday (Dec07), he sms me from overseas to wish me and he said he wanna be the first one to wish me...when he came back, he gave me a Gucci wallet ! ( yes ! that’s my wish ) He is confusing my feeling and yet we have not hold each others hand !
Question :
1. Why is he still treating me so good when he do not intend to be my lover?
He does not need to buy anything for me , just a wish will do if he refuse to commit....
I wish to understand man more...can anyone help ?
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A
female
reader, Plain Jane +, writes (4 May 2007):
Plain Jane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you DrBroz. I am not too sure if it's erectile dysfunc or a totally helpless in other ways. Yes, this man has a very big ego.....the challenge is that, he might even walk out on me if I say a wrong thing about his sexuality. The most I can tell him is that -
I do not mind to go on this relationship event if 'you' are 'lacking' of something in you ( is this word workable ? ).... 2years of waiting for the right time is not easy and I think time should be almost ripe.
Can an erectile dysfunc or sexually helpless guy enjoy foreplay ?
Is he able to physically affectionate ?
Does he like physical touch ?
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A
female
reader, drbroz +, writes (3 May 2007):
 This is very tricky,
I'm afraid you are not really asking the right questions. Erectile Dysfunction is treatable medically. What is pretty much not treatable (or at least darn difficult) is some woman telling a man that "don't worry it's ok, your sexual dysfunction is ok with me". All the viagra in the world isn't going to right that titantic. Of course, even worse is "what is wrong with you?" like his ex. did.
So, don't go there.
Now, #2. You two will figure out a sex life when you get your love life in order, believe me. He will seek medical help (perhaps a penile pump, or medication) or you will do something else like mutual masturbation. Or, the old standby of marital no-sex like the rest of us. Just kidding, sort of on the last one.
Here's your strategy on landing this guy. Make yourself indispensable. I think you're on the right track with that. Do that for quite awhile (you'll have to be the judge of how long). And, when the time seems right(and, timing is everything)think of a way of scaring him (just a little) of thinking that you just may not be around. My thought is that you are "thinking" of re-locating, sending out resumes, something like that. I wouldn't try the jeolousy, other guy routine because of the sexual thing that he won't want to compete with.
I would never let on that you have ever communicated with his ex. by the way. There is terrific shame with knowing that you may know, etc.
DrBroz
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