A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: my girlfriend had a lot of sex before she got with me. She was well known for giving blow jobs. We have been together a year and she won't give me one. When I asked her to do it she refused. She said that when she was younger she did it because she wanted to be popular but now she's older and she just doesn't like to do it. wtf? So she would have done that for me if I was popular? does she care how it makes me feel knowing how many guys she has given blow jobs to that weren't even boyfriends. She was a party girl but I love her anyway. I'm thinking of telling her that if she won't do it for me then I stop doing it for her. Does that sound reasonable?
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (16 April 2010):
 I totally understand where you're coming from, and I'm a girl.
I mean I understand maybe if she was abused in a certain way, and she wishes not to repeat the experience. But this girl was just sleeping around, and now all of a sudden she won't do things anymore because it 'reminds her of her older self'.
Whatever. I understand your frustration. It isn't pleasant to hear about what your partner has done for other people that she supposedly cares for less, and she won't do the same things to you, who she supposedly really cares for. I have heard a lot of girls who likewise complain that their boyfriend won't go down on them, so I tell them not to give them blowjobs! You give what you get, no matter what gender you are.
She won't give you blowjobs, then you don't return the favor. Simple as that.
As far as anal is concerned, if she has tried it before, and hated it...then she shouldn't participate in it. Unless you are willing to allow her to throw on a strap on and return the favor. Anal is something that can be pretty painful, depending on the woman. That is a sexual activity that has a high risk for damage to the physiology of the rectum and anal tract. Kind of unsafe, and I understand why men or women don't want to do it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): You're exactly right.
That's why your opinions are so unpopular. Your opinions don't let girls pass off responsibility for their own actions onto other innocent guys who didn't cause their problems in the first place.
Now this girl be saying that you broke up with her because she wouldn't do "unpleasant" stuff with you sexually. (The fact that she enjoyed it with other abusive guys but she withheld it from you purely because you treated hert too respectably, well, that part will be conveniently left out of the story when she tells it.) And then of course she & her friends will go on commiserating with each other about how "all men are such assholes".
Then she will go back to doing anal & BJs and stuff with the next guy, who will also coincidentally be another asshole. Eventually when she does try a "nice guy" again in the future, she will mention you as being another one of the "assholes" that she describes dating in the past. She will never take the slightest responsibility for anything she did to contributue to her track record.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): I'm the question asker. I just think that girls cry too much about the double standard. They say that guys can have sex with whoever they want but girls can't. How about the double standard that a girl can expieriement with sex until she meets a guy she gets serious with? She did all that expieriementing with all those other guys but I want to expieriement to. I can't just go out and have sex with girls. I need someone I care about to do those things with. Girls are crazy. They do all kinds of wild things with guys for a good time but once they get with a guy that cares for them they are so afraid of what he is going to think of them that they won't do things with him that they did numerous times with other people. It's an assault on my pride. Treat a girl bad and she will do anything for you but if you treat her like a lady she won't. btw Tisha she liked anal and even told me so. Her excuse for not doing it with me was that time in her life was over. I don't even know what that means. My time is over with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): The OP isn't mad about anal sex or blowjobs. It's the imbalance of treatment between him and her previous guys.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (15 April 2010):
 Well maybe you will get the chance to try anal now you have dumped her. Let's hope it is with a girl who actually likes it, coz your (now) ex certainly didn't despite your opinion or she would not have objected.
If you cant see why tho, perhaps you should insert a dildo in your butt and tell us all about how great and painfree it was for you. It is a lot different for the giver than the reciever, and this is the only way you might possibly get a first hand appreciation of why she has declined to have that done to her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): Hey Tish she got the chance to try anal to see if see if she liked it. Why couldn't I get a chance to? She did because she liked it and she did it more than once. she had no problem given blow jobs to be popular but had a big problem giving them to a guy that treated her right. Girls are crazy. If she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to then that's just fine with me because that means I don't have to do anything with her either that I don't want to and I don't want her any more.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 April 2010):
 "She was well known for giving blow jobs." Poor girl never had a chance; the expectation is that whatever she's done in her life, she's going to continue to do.
I don't condone her giving blowjobs to every popular guy, but I think this is more common than we know among teenagers. She was a party girl, one who was trying to be popular in the only way she knew how. This got her a reputation.
Anal, a lot of girls try once or twice and then decide it is not for them. There's no reason to get your knickers in a knot over that.
The lack of reciprocal oral sex, yes, I could see how that would make you feel rejected. But you have to keep in mind that your insistence on this would take her back to the bad old days of being used. Because that is what she was. Used by the "popular" boys and then dropped. All the blowjobs in the world didn't save her from being considered nothing more than a willing mouth.
You might have treated her like a queen but she has deeper issues than not giving you a blowjob. Or anal. She is recovering from promiscuity and no one will give her a break, not even her own boyfriend.
I wonder if you would have gone out with her if you knew she didn't give blow jobs, or if you had no idea whether she did or not.
I would tell you to knock off demanding sexual favors like anal--that's a real turn off for a lot of women and yes, they might have tried it, but let me tell you, it hurts, it feels like you are sh#tting and that is NOT sexy. Give that up, at the least.
Don't feel so aggrieved, and for her sake, make sure you let everyone know that she is no longer a sexual favor granting sex doll. (I don't really mean that. What I think you should do is keep your mouth shut like a gentleman would and not discuss the reasons for the breakup to anyone. That would be the honorable thing to do.)
It's not easy for girls in this hypersexual society--they are expected to look hot, put out and not complain about it. So back off on her a little and consider your own attitude.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I posted this. We got in an argument and we just broke up. I had enough of it. I treated her like a queen and she has also done anal a lot but not with me either. She can't spread it all over town to every popular guy and tell me she won't do it for me. It's not right and it's not fair.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): So basically, she punishes men who treat her well and rewards those who don't. Her slutty phase is supposedly over with but the pattern continues.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 Male anon, several women on this page have complained about just that and we all give the same advice to women on this matter as we give to men.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): If this were a chick saying she wanted to stop giving her boyfriend head because he wouldn't go down on her, would people still say that she was being selfish and inconsiderate and she should just get over it?
Hmmm...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): If she refuses to give you oral sex then it is quite resonable to refuse to give her oral sex. More than resonable actually.
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male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (14 April 2010):
 She has a legitimate reason why she's chosen not to whereas you want to get her back. Kind of hard to justify that one. I definitely see where you are coming from, but I also see where you're going if you doing this and that's down the "ruin something good over something stupid road".
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (13 April 2010):
Um she doesn't want you to be like those other guys. Shes ready for a guy to want to be with her for her and not what shes willing to do. She is ready to be loved. get over it. If a BJ is what you need than yea move on. If you really like this girl and you want her to feel good then do it for her. If you enjoy doing that to her show her that you enjoy it. trust me if you show her that her pleasure is important to you it will eventually be returned.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 April 2010):
If she doesn't like it, you have to respect that. If she thinks you're only interested in oral, then she won't do it and will end up leaving you because she'll think she's being used. There is no point in being petty about it, because you'll lose her. So make other areas of sex your thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): I agree with TimmD
and this however, does not go alone with his advice, but you could suggest 69. But like I said, you should do as TimmD says.
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A
female
reader, PISSEDOFF +, writes (13 April 2010):
You said she was known for giving blow jobs but she won't give you one and she did it to be popular. Let me just say it wasn't easy for her to tell you she gave BJ to be popular she really feel bad about do it and maybe she wont give you one because she don't wanna relive what she did in the past i think you should give her some time to adjust. talk to her let her know how you feel on the subject and let her respond and really listen to her and let her get comfortable with it again on her own time don't make her feel like you in this relationship just for a good BJ cause you will never get it all your going to get is you by your self dreaming of her giving you what you want. and all always show her you value her and her body and not what she could do
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): I'm in a situation close to this. I have a very lets say "wild" past, and when I started dating my now boyfriend I refused to give him a blowjob. The reason for me doing this is that in the past I have learned that once you start giving guys BJ's they basically get addicted and want one everyday. That gets annoying real quick. It's not because I love him any less or anything like that, it's just that I don't want him to love me for the bj's. I want to be respected more than that.
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A
male
reader, shikari424 +, writes (13 April 2010):
This is a pretty tough situation! You've got to sympathise with your girlfriend, her past has obviously had a bad effect on her and giving blowjobs triggers some unhappy memories in her.
I would tell her you understand and you're happy to give her time. And that if she could, you'd love to recieve one someday when she's ready. She may want to surprise you sometime
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Seems a little childish in my opinion to say "I won't do it for you if you won't do it for me.".
Yes, she's being a little unfair. But look at it this way... she may be feeling guilty about her past. Even a bit slutty. She wants to treat you differently then those other guys. Be patient. Let her know that you ARE different then those other guys and that you're not just out for you own pleasure. In time you can show her that she doesn't have to feel guilty and that you want to experience everything with her.
And personally, I'd go a little extra with her as far as going down on her. Show her that you're out for her pleasure.
But again, if you really love her then be patient. If all you're looking for is a good BJ then maybe you should move on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 April 2010):
Alright one thing first. She is not obliged to give you blowjobs based on how many she has given in the past. Period. And it is also perfectly reasonable that she never liked blowjobs, but did them in the past to get popular. Bad move and stupid of her, but we all make mistakes and she sounds like she has gotten herself some more self respect with the years, which is great. She would not have given you a blowjob now if you were popular because now she is older and wiser and respects herself. Meaning, if she doesnt like it she doesnt want to do it. But you do have another point that I support the fullest. Does she not care how this makes you feel? It makes you feel pretty neglected and not worthy right? Because you feel like you must be even lower than the persons she didnt even know, because she gave them blowjobs, but not to you? Well, you have to simply snap yourself out of that mindset as it is only negative and bringing nothing good with it. Besdies, if you put yourself in her shoes I am sure you will realize that this is not the case. She values you a lot more than she valued them, she has you as her boyfriend now. She respects herself now, meaning she will have respect for you as well. I believe she cares about you, and her not giving you a blowjob has nothing to do with how she feels for you.But, in a relationship it is all about giving and taking equally. You feel like you give and give to her, but dont get it back in return. This you could talk to her about! It is not fair that you do everything to her that she loves, and she wont give you a blowjob. You have to respect that she doesnt like it, but before brushing this off she and you should at least try out a few things before giving up completely. Ask her why she doesnt like it. Is it the taste of it? Is it difficult for her? If it is the taste, wear a condown or use flavoured lube perhaps? If she gets tired easily, why not ask her to only do it as foreplay so that she can do it for a couple of minutes and not more? Try to find a compromise. At last, if she simply can not stand doing it, you must accept this and concider if you want to continue in a relationship where blowjobs are off limits. It can sound like a petty thing to break up with someone over, but if you build up resentment towards her because of this the relationship will be broken eventually anyway.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Sure it's reasonable, if you're reciprocating, and that means that you are giving her oral until she climaxes, not just a couple of licks and then it's your turn.Blow jobs to some women are gross, and can be grosser if she came across a guy who didn't have good hygiene and drank beer and shot his load right into her eye. But yes, if you're giving her satisfying and sensual cunnilingus until she shrieks in ecstasy and makes her clitoris spasm, yeah, she should reciprocate. Many girls equate blowing off guys as an activity that gives them no pleasure, hurts their knees, gives them a load of mucousy snotty semen to possibly swallow. Yeah, I'd talk it out with her. Sex in all forms should be reciprocal. You know, she might think that the act is degrading to her, you know, with the whole "on your knees and nut all over her" connotations. You might want to remind her that when she is giving you oral, she has complete control over you. :)
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