A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have discovered that my husband has been having what people on here seem to call an 'emotional affair'.I have got proof that it was not physical although they were egging each other on with sexual innuendo and lovey dovey stuff.Given that it went on for several months with no sex when they could have if they had wanted to, would it be fair to assume that my husband is telling the truth when he says it was all a stupid game.He says it started up for a bit of fun to relieve everyday boredom and I admit that he wasn't getting much of that from me at the time and was going through a very traumatic time of his life with his mum's dementia becoming worse and having to put her in a nursing home.I was unfortunately very cold towards him during this time because I actually didn't fancy him and pushed him away if anything looked like leading to anything physical although I did do the obligatory quickie to keep him 'satisfied' once a week or so. He knew it was just for the sake of it and sensed that I didn't enjoy it or love him properly.Is it any wonder he turned to someone else for thrills?I am deeply hurt by what he did although I do recognise my partly being the cause of it. He insists it would never have led anywhere and would have fizzled out soon as it was becoming boring. Although he admits what he did was wrong he seems to think that because they didn't have sex it wasn't truly being unfaithful.He is doing everything he can to make ammends and gain my trust back but do you think he is telling me a pack of lies about his feelings for her?I know for sure they have stopped all contact and he says he misses it like a hole in the head but then he would, wouldn't he? I would so appreciate your opinions. Thanks
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female
reader, rose100  +, writes (16 April 2010):
hhmm seems I can't post email addy
you can contact me via this account I just made
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): lol, no I very much doubt I am the women your husband was involved with. your question was flagged as being from the UK, I am not from that country.
Yes I did feel guilt many times, I even told him I was worried and I didn't want anyone to get hurt, and he said he felt the same way. But our addiction to each other had more control.
"how you felt when he broke it off? "
well its been 3 weeks since his been in contact, its like he just totally disappeared from the face of the earth.
Last time we had been in contact everything was normal,and then nothing. I feel completely alone, used and lied too.
Due to the "rules" of the relationship I am unable to just pick up the phone and call him and ask "why you not talking to me anymore?".
I miss him,but its the friendship I miss the most.
did I feel smug? no, it didn't make me feel good about myself, I actually didn't feel very good when reality of the situation would set in, I would never be number one to him, but she would.
he even told me once I was second.
I have been in a relationship were I was cheated on,I felt guilty because I know if his wife was to find out, I know how much it would hurt her :(.
I made a email addy you can contact me on if you want to
[email address blocked]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): OMG anonymous female. Could you be the woman my husband had the relationship with LOL??
EVERYTHING you said sounds EXACTLY like how they behaved.
He said they didn't really love each other but told each other they did as you would to a close friend and they sent sex texts to each other. One off him to her said 'I told you I'd wait it somehow makes it more exciting' so just like you there was obviously the desiree as you called it. They also had long phone chats as I now know from his bills.
Also from the texts I saw they obviously had quite deep feelings and cared for each other.
He also said he told her that he loved me and she told him she loved her husband.
The only difference from your story is that they could have got together physically quite easily but didn't (although they did meet up in the park sometimes!!!).
Thank you soooooo much for replying, it has helped so much to 'see' inside their minds and I hope that my husband's feelings for her were not as deep as I've built up in my mind.
The worry is making me ill and all this is threatening to destroy our marriage although we love each other dearly.
Could I ask if you ever felt guilty and how you felt when he broke it off? My husband said he intended to fizzle it out which sounds just like your ending, however he got caught before that happened which leaves me wondering if he would actually have done that.
Also, did you feel smug that you had an illicit piece of someone else's husband and did the thrill of it being illicit fuel the sexual innuendo?
If you would be willing to reveal your contact name on this site I could send you an email if you'd be willing to talk more as hearing things from your angle has shed a lot of light on everything.
Thanks x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): its anonymous female.
answers to your questions
"how did you discover he just did it out of boredom? Did he actually tell you that or did you just surmise?"
I asked him directly why he was getting involved with me if he was happy in his r/ship, and he said bluntly that he was just bored, but not bored with the r/ship he was in.
he said he liked that he was able to talk to me about things he would only ever talk to his wife about.
I personally believe he lacked any close female friends,I know when we first started talking he didn;t want his wife to know of me even when we were just friends.
"Did you love him and did he lead you to believe he loved you?"
nope I did not love him,and I know he didn;t love me. we were infatuated with each other, sort of addicted to each other but not in love.
"How did it finish,was he discovered by his wife or did you decide to split up?"
well... that is still a bit of a mystery, I am pretty sure he either got caught by the wife or he simply got bored playing the game and he just stop talking to me. I am leaning towards more he got bored, mostly because he was very sneaky with his contact with me.
"Did either of you have real feelings for the other?"
yes of course, but not feelings like "oh I love you" it was more feelings of caring for each other, sort of like a close or best friend. it was sort of like a friendship but with more.
"Was your relationship physical or 'just' emotional?"
it was just emotional but there was a very high tension of desiree, lots of sharing of what we would have like to have done physically but due to distance we could not make the physical happen but I am 100% sure if we lived closer the physical would have happen.
not saying this is the case with your man, I suppose everyones experiences will be different with this sort of things.
but I find it extremely unlikely he had any true feelings or love for her, it was probably just a game to him, and sadly with these games people play someone always ends up getting hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Thanks for everyone's answers.PISSEDOFF..he didn't actually come clean of his own accord. I discovered texts he hadn't deleted and he had no choice but to admit it although he did tell a lot of lies which I've since discovered and didn't stop seeing her until I discovered more texts!!!!Also to anonymous female....when you were the other woman how did you discover he just did it out of boredom? Did he actually tell you that or did you just surmise? Did you love him and did he lead you to believe he loved you? How did it finish, was he discovered by his wife or did you decide to split up? Did either of you have real feelings for the other? Was your relationship physical or 'just' emotional?I would be very interested if you replied because these things are nagging at me so much. Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I would say its emotional cheating.but that is just my opinion.
I would say his beeing truthful and doubt there was any true feelings between him and the other women and it was just a game.
speaking from recent experience, I have been in the position of the other women, and I can tell you he only did it out of boredom. he still loved is wife and was happy in the r/ship, he was just bored, not with sex just with his own life.
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A
female
reader, PISSEDOFF  +, writes (13 April 2010):
See what I believe is that he really loves you because he didn't have to tell you what hes been doing.Just think about it like this if it was you and you had a sick parent and you needed him and he wasn't there for you how would you feel and what would u do. he's only human it was never about cheating it was all about finding someone to talk to at the time he should have been talking to you. so i don't think flirting on the computer is cheating. You asked him to cut her off and he did you have nothing to worry about they never had sex and wasn't think of it most men go all out and do every thing and never say anything about what they did or if you find out they lie about it. What we need to realize is that when a man comes to you and tell you their dirty little secrets we should respect the fact that he's trying to fix and that the feeling are still there and fix it and stay together or part ways as friends. i hope i help a little.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): Thank you so much TimmD,
Although, as you rightly say, there will be other opinions, your words have given me hope that we can get over this.
Coming from a man's point of view it is also very helpful to me as we all know how men and women have different views on what is cheating.
Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, Isa123 +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Cheating is a definition that is quite stretched out between genders.
Cheating is, in fact, anything that he does that he would not want you to read, hear, or see. It doesn't necessarily mean sex.
Though he may be right in you not giving him attention during his time, but it was wrong in his part for going to someone else rather than telling you.
In my opinion, give him a hard time to gain your trust back. It's going to take a while to finally be back.
It's an awful pain and I wish you two the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 April 2010):
 Your assessment of the situation is lucid, though instead of running off to flirt with the naughty line of affairs, he should have been honest with how he feels and vice versa. This is what happens when people who are married let themselves get into ruts, grow apart, stop communicating, and take each other for granted.I've been married for 12 years and we still go out on dates and talk about new hobbies we want to try out. Go out to a nice dinner and go dancing! Go to the movies and hold hands until your fingers hurt! Go have wild crazy sex in the back of the car and get caught by the cops! (That happened to me once...whoops!). Marriage takes WORK, but if you put all that energy into your relationship with your husband (and he with you), you can rekindle a new romance. My husband and I got a membership at the gym, and "raced" each other on the stair stepper. We ended up laughing so hard I almost fell off!Find in yourself the interesting, kind, generous, semi-mysterious person you are!
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 April 2010):
 There will most likely be a lot of different opinions on this, but here is mine:
I don't consider this an affair, or cheating. USUALLY I would consider an "emotional affair" cheating, but the circumstances appear to be different here. One of the main reasons due to the fact that you (admit to) being cold towards him and not fancying him. Yes, he was chatting with this other woman, but nothing happened when you admit that something COULD have happened if he wanted it to. When it comes to the internet and texting now adays it is a lot easier for 2 people to communicate and talk about things they wouldn't usually do in person - namely sex.
My advice? Work on your marriage. There are plenty of women on this site who are upset because their husband won't touch them or show any interest in them. Yours apparently still does so something like this should be able to be fixed with some communication, and forgiving.
But to answer your question, I don't consider it cheating in THIS case.
Good luck.
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