A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a man who was married for over 20 years. The last 7 years it was a sexless marriage.We happen to have sex very often but there are times where I find porn on his phone and have caught him a few times masturbating.I am just downstairs if he wants the real thing. I get upset because I feel I am not doing something right that he has to resort to pleasing himself. I have talked to him about watching porn. I told him if he wants to masturbate do it when I am not home as well as watch porno doing it. Last week I woke up to feel him yanking it next to me in bed as he had his phone in his other hand and then he climbed onto me.I do not masturbate because i have him there to please me.How should I really feel???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): I would watch out with the porn thing, even the men who appear extremely gentleman like and respectful can still be looking at it in a relationship, I've learnt the hard way. I know it bothers me now so I will warn my next boyfriend no porn please. The best bet is to find a man who at least masturbates to the thought of his own girlfriend sometimes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): "You're a fool or delusional; if you think a man shouldn't masturbate, because he's "married" or has a mate. That is a natural and human sexual impulse."
Please do not put labels on someone who has a different opinion than yours. Some women feel men should control this "natural and human sexual impulse" while in a relationship or marriage, especially if those same women are not masturbating. Just like men don't want to be called a pervert for having an interest in porn, women don't want to be called names for not wanting their men to masturbate to other women or sexual images. There's nothing wrong with having either opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): I'm going to be straight forward about this. Read on if you're grown-up enough to handle it.You can't condemn a man as a pervert because he likes "occasional" porn. That's a personal choice and it should be kept discrete. If he's caught, he'll only become more secretive from a nosy or prying mate. Don't confuse the depraved mind of a sexual deviant with a guy who likes an occasional wank with a magazine or sexual image on his smartphone. You're a fool or delusional; if you think a man shouldn't masturbate, because he's "married" or has a mate. That is a natural and human sexual impulse. Women need it too, if they're woman enough to admit it.If you're in a sexually-active and loving relationship, I do think self-gratification should be done mainly in emergencies. If your spouse/mate has a long-term illness, or far along in pregnancy,and the doctor doesn't recommend coitus. It's also justified to seek porn or masturbate when the boyfriend, spouse, or girlfriend claims they aren't interested way too frequently, or always "too tired."If they have a headache, give them an aspirin and try again in the morning. Otherwise; lock yourself in the bathroom.This may also be a sign that you're a lousy lover. If the shoe fits...I'm just saying! Don't hate if they have to make up for your shortcomings!I don't think it should be "in your face." Pardon the pun! That is crude and may be justifiably disgusting to your mate. I know some guys are self-conscious of the size of their penis, or can't maintain a full erection throughout sex. Woman don't understand, but say they do in a very condescending way. That too, is a turn off.There are guys who get performance anxiety; but they're too proud to admit this to their lover. With porn or masturbation, there is no sexual anxiety! There is almost always a "happy ending." That's total freedom! Also a great release for tension!Men who have children have a serious responsibility. You shouldn't have pornographic material around the house. Like a gun, kids will likely find it. Your spouse will be justified in having a fit!!! Be this the case, best be sure the gun is well-hidden!!!Apart from your wife finding this gross and it may hurt her feelings, you will need to keep this as personal as going to the bathroom to do number two. She doesn't want to share that experience, because she really finds it nasty and appalling! If you want a mate to be naughty and adventurous, s-l-o-o-o-w-ly seduce her or him into it. Learn something about fore-play, kissing, and caressing! You may not need porn, if you have the right moves! No sneaky tricks,or you might get hurt in a very delicate spot!Sometimes she's afraid you'll tell your friends, or she sees the image of her mother's disapproving face in her mind. So keep it tame. The things people do in porn, they get paid for. It doesn't mean they really like it! If you're not a porn star, don't expect your spouse/mate to perform like one either. If they are...how do you handle it when they do those things to other people? Oh that's another subject. Back to the question at hand. Don't get too caught up in fantasy!If you make a big deal of your man having porn or masturbating, you will make it more intriguing on how he can still have it and keep it hidden away from you. It may seem like a disgusting habit to many women, but it's a part of being male. Men who are addicted to porn stand the chance of losing their mate; and they deserve it. Any addiction is a sickness, and no one should suffer as a result of it. Nor should you feel deprived in competition of something that isn't real. Then it's time to talk, not fight. You don't want to push him away being bitchy. It's about an intimacy issue. Also a delicate subject.Also consider this (porn or masturbation) may be what some men resort to when they are deprived of real sex. You may find this habit icky, and he may find your feminine hygiene just as repulsive. You may not care to try on sexy lingerie, or do kinky things. He may not like the fact that his mate has gained unsightly weight. You would think he was a jerk if he admitted it to you. There are some things a man's mind cannot easily adjust to about YOU sexually, just as you may object to porn or his masturbating. Being stingy with sex, over controlling, or using sex as a weapon will lead your man to compensate in other ways. Keep that in mind while you're busy being indignant and judgmental. Constant nagging about it, will remind him of his mother. Sexually, that is a big turn off. OR IT SHOULD BE!!!If you're a mean-spirited female, a persistent nag, verbally abusive, and you don't care about your appearance. You've given your man an excuse to use fantasy in your place. Sometimes he doesn't want the real thing and needs an escape. He just wants to get off on a fantasy image. It's purely primal and he doesn't feel like going through all the effort of sexual intercourse. All he needs is a thought or image in his head, and his hand. Guess what? He even uses that picture of you when you were a cheerleader when you were 18! Remember that bikini you used to wear that your parents dared you to buy, he even may have a picture stashed away for emergencies! Don't act like women don't have the same need. I know better. There are dozens of toys on the market geared to your sexual needs. It's a matter of time before you're divorced and discover them. Then who's the pervert!!! Men like sex toys too, so don't let that surprise you! So keep an open mind and shut your mouth.If she totally objects, and feels it is equivalent to cheating on her. Consider her feelings. Therefore, you only do it when she isn't home and you are absolutely certain she will not catch you. Set the house alarm on "warning." If she goes through your personal things, keep porn around at your own risk. If she finds it, you deserve exactly what you get!If you have a wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend who is willing to try whatever you desire sexually; yet you still have to depend on porn to get your rocks off? You're either profoundly stupid, or your hands will become your only companion. In time, even they will reject you! You might get arthritis! Get a life you pig! If it upsets her so much, she only knows what you're doing because you're sloppy! You do it too often, or you're totally selfish; and she/he deserves a better lover!!! Or you have a teeny pee pee and can't handle a real woman or sex partner! Go by a sports car and compensate dude, lay off the porn! You're hurting your wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend. If they're complaining about your porn, it's your fault! What they don't know can't hurt them. MAYBE IT'S TIME TO STOP STUPID!Don't kill the messenger, I'm only trying to help here. There are two sides to every story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): To the anonymous male below with the Brazilian girlfriend. If you want your girlfriend to step it up a notch YOU do something about it. I am sick of hearing men b**ch about their women on here, but instead of doing anything productive about it they go watch porn, furthering their unrealistic expectations of their own women.I used to be so proud of my body and was very comfortable with myself but after I discovered my partners porn viewing I felt I wasn't good enough. I now find fault everywhere and I can't stand for him to look at me in the light. It has destroyed my self esteem. I feel ugly and that will never change. Porn destroyed a large part of me as a woman. Is it really worth making your partners feel that way? My partner no longer watches but the damage is already done.
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male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (28 February 2013):
 To "A Happy Place" I don't believe porn (for me) creates dissatisfaction. Making love is not just "You lay Down, I get on top and lets wrap this thing up in a minute so I can watch my show." It's much deeper then that and needs a bit of creativity to keep it interesting. If you turn a blind eye to what is out there, then intimacy can become stale and expected. That's when people tend to fall off the path of monogamy to a place that is not safe. Though I view porn at times, I see it as ways for us to experiment. All within reason of what is comfortable. Sometimes I desire an orgasim more then she does, but am not going to keep asking her to tend to my needs if she is just not in the mood. You have to have respect for your lover, but not let your sexual desire hold you up. So that's when you have to take matters into your own hands. We all know porn is not a reality. Men just wish women were like that and have the conviction a man wants when it comes time to hopping into bed. You're right, we all should enjoy what we have. I definitely do, and porn doesn't make me wish for anything more then what I have. From what I have seen, it has helped keep our sex life interesting by practicing some newer positions she would have never taken the time to find. I do believe there is porn that is just out right offensive, but what I view is very simple. Even if I view it, I still think of my girlfriend as the one performing my fantasy.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 I find grown men with their "dirty little secret" quite abhorrent, particularly those who are asking you to watch porn and join in. Yuk!!! What men don't realise is that you dilute your sex life with porn, then you expect the women in your lives to dress up in sexy lingerie, and do everything like a bloody glove puppet to keep your interest. What are the men doing to improve their sex lives with their wife - they watch porn!!!!!!!! Then they wonder why their wives don't want sex with them, duh!!! Yes, everyone masturbates but not everyone needs porn to do so. The very fact that you watch it, it's already altering your view on sex. Spend more time keeping your wife interested, and less of the SELFISH porn habits and this might improve your sex life. I am not talking about women here viewing porn, I am talking about the majority which is men!!Like the guy talking about his sexy brazilian girlfriend, yet he desires porn. Don't you see the dissatisfaction porn creates????? You want never ending variety instead of being happy with what you have got. If my husband was caught next to me viewing porn and having a wank, I'm with Caring Aunty A - his knackers would be in two different zip codes !!!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I don't believe he is addicted to porn any less then most men just enjoy the convenience of it being so readily available to pleasure themselves. I watch it too and am dating an incredibly sexy Brazilian woman. He body is incredible and she completely turns me on. However, even though I am extremely attracted to her and she has some beautiful moves, I woul dlike her to take it up a notch at times. Since my sex drive is very high, I sometimes I will use porn to keep me from attacking her too much. Like your boyfriend I just got out of a sexless marriage and it is very important to have a higher lever of stimulation. I'm sure he developed his frequent use of porn while married and his fantasy's have risen above what any one "normal" woman would do. Maybe masterbating next to you was one of his little fantasy's. I would not worry too much about it if you are having a healthy sex life. Now if he is watching porn and you are getting nothing at all, you may want to see what is going on with him. A general rule of thumb, If you are going to date a man who just got out of a sexless marriage, be kind to his needs. Make him feel like a man and Fuck him until he can't take it anymore. He needs that, he wants that, and he damn well deserves it. Also take charge too, Wwtch some of that porn yourself and take some notes. Do what you see. It will make him very happy as well as yourself. Most women get insecure and just want to fall into position. That sucks. If you want a good relationship, keep the intimacy solid. Before you know it, porn will be to light for him... Good luck out there.
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female
reader, michelled +, writes (27 February 2013):
You should masterbate...there are so many benefits....I have a similar situation....mine would rather Yank than do me...he Yanks in front of me and talks abt good it feels....I get no acknowledgement...I am just as confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is a question that requires an answer tailored to each individual relationship. There is no one-size-fits-all response. There are only generalizations and anecdotal responses.It doesn't necessarily mean he is any less attracted to you. He has been exposed to the convenience of porn on demand. It's a naughty little habit that we men sometimes have. We are visual creatures, and tend to attach our brains to our penises. Sometimes involuntarily, mostly it's a conscious choice. It's something spicy that is easily available; but we don't really want to cheat. Just get off. Sometimes our mates are not in sync with our manly desires, and sometimes we just want immediate gratification. It's a problem when it becomes a steady habit, leading to an addiction. If he no longer shows you desire, then be concerned.It's embarrassing to be caught! However, many women have found there is a means to reaching orgasm without having a man present. It's not bad, but maybe a little selfish; when you have someone readily available to share your needs with. Sometimes we have to take the burden off a mate who just isn't in the mood,ill,tired, pregnant, or shows little sexual interest. It doesn't feel the same when a woman,or partner, just lies there dutifully. Countless men like "dirty pictures" and many women do too. It gets us aroused, and the satisfaction of a quick and spontaneous release is sometimes all we want. Some guys have to do all the work in bed, and their mates are not that sexually adventurous or responsive. There is more than one sexual position; and some guys are just lousy in bed. They have to compensate.Some guys pride themselves in being seen as a pervert to their mate, and some don't. Depends on the up-bringing of his mate, and their willingness to explore kinky things. You have to talk. Don't be appalled, accusatory, mean, or judgmental. Be gentle and simply ask him what it is he likes in particular that he finds he can't find in your sex-life together. Be mature enough to handle his responses;or he will just end the conversation, and become more secretive.Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel when he does it; without shouting or acting like his mom. That's a turn off.Surprise him sometimes. Take control and be the aggressor.It might scare him a little; but sometimes it's a turn on. What have you got to lose? If he isn't hiding, and he does it next to you in bed. He's just getting warmed up to be able to deliver. Provided you're receptive and responsive.He most likely will not stop and may have been doing it for years. He's not hiding in the basement or garage. He's not cheating with other women. He deserves his privacy; and if you make a big deal of it, you'll hurt your marriage. Sex isn't something you only get on your birthday, special occasions, or your anniversary. Our plumbing is different, so we respond to our sexual drives differently. It's the same in same-sex situations. Its all imaginary and enjoying fantasy with a "happy ending."
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Sorry I had to laugh at this gem from CaringAuntyA...
"If it were I waking up next to my man like this, without the porn on his phone; I’d feel – u beauty and throw my leg over him! :)"
Hahahahaha!
"Far be it for me that I should knock back on a bit of fun, but when it crosses our boundaries (his and mine), he’d be looking for his knackers in two different zip codes! :)"
Very good!
:)
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 It sounds like he has a bad habit in regards to pornography. Sometimes in sexless marriages, men resort to viewing adult materials to "get by" Doing this, unfortunately, can be mildly addictive and turn into a bad habit.
Guys masturbate... even if they are getting laid regularly. Also, sometimes men need to get off and we don't want to bother our partners. With pornography being easily accessible through his phone and computer, it also means variety can easily be found. Just because a guy masturbates to anonymous acts of pornography doesn't mean he is bored with you, or that he isn't attracted to you -- it could however mean that he wants to try something in bed and is afraid to ask for it or there is a lack of intimacy that he is hiding from.
Also consider that many men masturbate at night to help themselves fall asleep.
The question you need to ask is if it is a problem in your relationship. Are you feeling sexually deprived? Do you feel like your sex life is adequate? Is he spending an inordinate amount of time viewing it / masturbating? Doe he know you are readily available to have sex with?
Ignoring problems in the bedroom could spell trouble for you in the future when it comes to sexual satisfaction.
Eddie
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I am sorry but this scenario is in the millions and counting. How should you really feel; I do not know… But more succinct would be; ‘how do you feel’?If it were I waking up next to my man like this, without the porn on his phone; I’d feel – u beauty and throw my leg over him! :) Personally speaking; there are times when one is less inclined to expend bedroom aerobic energy due to tiredness and or simply needing a release of built up sexual desire? But when one’s sexual desire is purely generated by or inspired by porn; yes, I’d be inclined to feel insulted by him climbing on top.Far be it for me that I should knock back on a bit of fun, but when it crosses our boundaries (his and mine), he’d be looking for his knackers in two different zip codes! :)Take Care – CAA
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 February 2013):
Sometimes guys want a 3-course meal (sex), sometimes a snack (quickie) and sometimes just a kebab (yank).
Having said that, I've never "yanked" with my girl next to me in bed.
Never mind how you SHOULD feel. How DO you feel? If you're not happy about i, tell him not to do it. Although I have to say, this guy isn't showing you much in the way of respect, consideration or manners.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 He's not interested in real world sex...He has a fantasy world sex that is only defined in his brain. so don't feel anything;it's not about you. Once you understand that, you can move on to some other anxiety. Good luck
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male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Hi,
Are you exclusive with this man now? Is he still married? Also, do you know for sure it was sexless? I ask because I'm not quite clear after reading your post? Thanks.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 February 2013):
 That guy picked up a nasty porn addiction.
It's one thing to have porn..it's another thing to be addicted to the point where it's interfering with an actual relationship. I'd say having to use it to stimulate himself for sex with you is a pretty serious addiction, and his brain has been wired to only be turned on by it. This is not against you, so don't take it personal.
Some guys have become so dependent on porn that they can only orgasm from their hand. I'm guessing your boyfriend has had some ED issues too when it comes to sex with you as well?
Check out this site yourbrainonporn.com which will open your eyes big time and things will make a lot of sense to you about his behavior.
Either way, you need to talk to him, because his bad habits are now interfering with his relationship with you, and that's not cool. Show him that site...he may be more receptive than you think. But his previous habits regarding porn cannot stand here.
It's one thing to use porn discreetly once in awhile even in a relationship, but he's crossed the line.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): He is but a MAN! No seriously, all guys look at and wank to, porn. You should be happy he is physically releasing himself with porn, and not that hot 22 year old neighbor down the street that flirts with him...catching my drift? Even if he is some sexual casa nova married to four super models, if you're a man you still look at, and wank to, porn... Maybe you should try to embrace this instead of fight it. Ask him if you can watch a porn together. You could each pick one out, so no one feels uncomfortable, and figure out what his interests are, i.e., lingerie, role playing, etc.. Then perhaps try and fulfill them for him, given it isn't anything you are too weirded out by. Who knows, you might enjoy it, it could turn out to be fun for both of you, and you may reach a new level in your marriage.God, I wish my wife would do this instead of just always wanting 6 minutes of missionary sex once every 2-3 weeks and filling in the rest with a BJ or two....and then getting mad when I'm in the bedroom jerking off.
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male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (26 February 2013):
You state you guys already have sex very often so I highly doubt you are doing something wrong.If he feels like masturbating in addition then just let him.There's nothing wrong with masturbation in a relationship but you could ask him to be a little considerate of you.Don't get mad at him but try to ask him in a sweet manner.
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female
reader, lonesome101 +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Masturbating in addition to sex does not mean that you do not enjoy sex! I have always masturbated, even when having really great sex! The truth is, some people enjoy masturbation as a separate activity to sex... and some just have a higher sex drive than others. Also, 7 years with his ex is a LONG TIME not to have sex... he has almost certainly got into the habit of masturbation, and by necessity. It is also possible that this long spell of celibacy has increased his sex drive, in which case, maybe your partner doesn't want to put you under pressure to meet the demands of his high sex drive? I think it is really telling that when you 'caught him' masturbating in bed next to you, he chose to involve you, rather than just stop altogether. If you were the problem, I think his response would have been very different. I would suggest that you talk to him about your feelings. There is nothing wrong with masturbating, but equally there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. I'm sure that if you open up about your insecurities, he will be happy to talk them through with you. If masturbation is a particular fetish for him, perhaps the two of you could find ways to involve you in that? Best of luck.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 February 2013):
Dear OP,I can understand you don't want him to watch porn or masturbate when he's next to you. In general, I think porn consumption and masturbation don't have to be a sign of sexual frustration. I wouldn't worry about not making him happy enough or being attractive enough or doing something wrong etc. Me, I'm a woman, but when I'm sexually happy with someone I also get more horny in my free time, so I also masturbate more. When I don't have a good sex life, I kind of "forget" about sex and hybernate.But the thing your guy pulled off last week was really rude. Masturbating to some phone pics and then jumping on you? Really? I can understand if this makes you angry and frustrated.His behaviour seems to come from a time when sex was a thing that he had to make all by yourself.. in a sexless marriage.. so he may have some bad/weird habits from that time.All I can recommend is talk to him and set boundaries. But also, to NOT only discuss in terms of guilt/obligation/manners. Maybe all his previous discussions about sex were sad or useless, because if not, he probably wouldn't have had a sexless marriage. But it would be interesting to find out why his last relationship was so sexless.. maybe he always had some weird habits and grossed his wife off? Maybe she didn't mind and didn't like sex anyway?
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