A
female
age
36-40,
*upidLover
writes:Dear Cupid,I have recently met a great man. We've been dating for a few months but we have met each other's parents because we are serious about each other. Recently though, my worries have been our financial status. He is a hard working chef and I am currently looking for a full time job. He doesn't get paid well, but he is committed to us and loves me very much. I just hope that with both of us working we will be abundant to have a happy family and a home. This may seem harsh, but is a man without a big wallet a deal breaker for you?What is your advice? Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 July 2017):
 I think you've jumped ship because you don't like him enough. Lots of people can only meet once a week, until they get more serious.
He doesn't earn enough for you, then he doesn't have enough time for you because he's working hard to earn the money he does get.... see the problem, OP? You're finding reasons to leave him.
It's not fair to date others if you haven't told him you're not exclusive.
Tell him you don't think you're well-matched, but do not blame him because he isn't doing anything wrong.
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (28 July 2017):
 Break up. There is nothing in this that keeps you with him. Constantly questioning something is not a way to be with someone. Going on dates while supposedly with a guy isn't ethical either. Just move on from him while early. Spare both of yourselves.
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female
reader, CupidLover +, writes (28 July 2017):
CupidLover is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey all!
Thank you so much for your answers and insightful advice.
Unfortunately I've started to notice that while I was worried about money, now I'm worried about time. As a chef he works long hours and we only see each other now once a week. For some,this is standard but for me it's becoming really hard. He's still there for me when I need him but I've found myself feeling really lonely and doubting our relationship. I've even started going out on other dates to meet other people.
Ive met other gentleman like guys who work regular hours and would probably have more time for me.
What shall I do? :(
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 July 2017):
Hello, a male here.I started my relationship with my GF being poor and earning peanuts. Now I'm earning 50 times what I was initially earning when we started. My currently not much for US standards, but for Mexico's standards, it's a lot.My message is: your partner is not always going to make what he is currently making. My girlfriend accepted to be my GF even knowing I didn't have a penny. If there is love and a will go move forward, things may turn to be right.If he is a professional chef, does he wants to start his own restaurant one day? What are your long term goals, both as a couple and as individuals?Lastly, it sounds cliche and it's true, but money does not buys happiness. I've lived my happiest years when I was the poorest, just as long as I had my GF with me I was able to keep moving forward.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 It only matters if you are a judgmental person really, which makes me laugh because you are unemployed. It is not his job to look after you financially, am sure you should be well capable off looking after yourself, how would you feel if he judged you on how much money was in your purse?
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (2 July 2017):
Personally, wallet size means nothing to me but I do value a strong work ethic and a level of ambition in a partner. So I'd much rather a poor chef who works hard and wants to do well in his job, to a trust fund baby who is happy drifting along on his parents' money.
However, I value the work ethic and ambition because that's what I am like personally and I want someone on the same wavelength as me. Perhaps you should be focusing a bit more on what you are bringing to the table instead of focusing on what he is offering?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 July 2017):
Would you rather be in a happy relationship with enough to get by or an unhappy one with money you could never spend all of?
Personally, having lots of money would be great, but love is much more important to me than looking for someone who could financially take care of me.
My boyfriend is a very poor student in tons of debt that won't be paid off for several years to come and I'm still looking for a job, but we're good for each other. What's more important to me is just that we can get by fairly comfortably - not necessarily "well off", just not having to live month to month our whole lives.
What's most important to you? If you want to guarantee yourself a rich husband, you need to start looking on sites that advertise you as a trophy wife.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 July 2017):
 A big wallet means nothing. Some of the meanest men I have come across in my life have had the biggest wallets. That's how they keep them big - by not sharing or spending. So a big wallet alone means diddly squat.
I have to ask, are you looking for a sugar daddy type relationship? For someone to fund the lavish lifestyle you aspire to? If so, set your boyfriend free to find someone who will love him for who he is - a good hard-working man, who is doing his best - because you will not be happy with him unless he turns into some sort of a "celebrity" and earns silly money.
However, if you love him and want to build a life with him but are just worried about finances (who isn't these days?), you have to accept that you will (probably) never live like a footballer's wife, spending ridiculous amounts of money on silly labels and fancy hair extensions. However, you will have the love and support of a good man which has to be worth more than all those silly trinkets. After all, have you ever heard of anyone nearing the end of their life and regretting not buying more silly trinkets when they were younger?
Also, there are two of you in this relationship, so you need to go out and find that job you speak of to pull your weight financially.
Having a happy home and family isn't about money. It's about love and caring for each other. It is about spending time with your children (more than spending money on them). It is about being a strong unit. All these things can be achieved on SUFFICIENT money. Only YOU can decide how much will be sufficient for you.
One cautionary note: make sure you are both on the same page where finances are concerned. More relationships fail over arguments about money or problems with money than anything else, so it is important to have the same outlook on money. For instance, if one of you is careful with their money while the other is a spendthrift, there will be tension and disharmony in the relationship. You both need to work together to achieve your goals.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2017): 1st marriage over bearing and controlled
2 nd abuse especially if he didn't have his drugs
3rd poor guy with a heart of gold who tried his best( and fails) to be perfect and I love him for 22 years now. Honey no one knows what you want but you. Money isn't all that a good man with a heart of gold is. But this my option
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 July 2017):
 Yes a Chef's pay is quite low, but how a man/woman spends, saves; lives within their means would more importantly be my main concern. He already is hard working, tick. He is committed to the relationship, tick.
If you both wish to live in abundance with all that your generation want and tend to waste money on right now, I see hardship ahead of you both. You'll need to pace yourselves, learn to budget and be patient.
A deal breaker for me would be, someone always bringing up the argument about wasting or wanting more money.
I know of a young couple on $50+K after rent and they still bytch about money, yet they don’t think twice to run Air-Conditioning 24/7 during our (5) summer months and spend extravagantly on non-essentials (typical of their generation) which render them arguing ALL the time to the point of breaking up!
Big wallet but on sense = Deal Breaker! Small wallet with common sense = Wealth in the future
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): Why would you be so judgemental? You are looking for a full time job, and he hasn't decided you're not good enough for him because you don't have a proper job and are earning a full time salary.
Having someone you love who is kind and caring and has a secure job is more important than being with someone because they earn a lot of money. It's especially harsh when you're questioning him when you are job hunting. If you're wanting financial security then you shouldn't expect it from a partner, but should make yourself financially secure and independent. Focus on finding a full time job and actually enjoy your relationship.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (30 June 2017):
It matters more where you are headed to rather than where your are at now. Look where you are going financially first, then him and see if it's a right direction.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): Relationships (with marriage in-mind) work best when everyone is independent and working full-time. If you can support yourself without help; it takes a lot of pressure off the relationship, and off your mate. If either or both are students, getting a job should come before considering marriage.Costly plans should be put on hold, and everyone should live within their financial means; in order for a relationship to survive hard-times. He's a chef, and there may be lean times and there may be prosperous times. The restaurant business is a tricky one. It's not so much about how much he earns; but how hard he is willing to work, and his overall work-ethic. Of course, if he wants a family and a wife; he realizes (or he should) he will have to prepare himself now to take on those future financial responsibilities. If it seems he is complacent and not making much effort in that direction. Yes, be concerned.He has just as much right to be concerned if you can hold-up your end. You're unemployed, so you should be more concerned about your own earning potential. It's foolish to be thinking so far ahead about a family and a home; when you're not sure how you'll pay the rent next month. It's going to put undue pressure on your relationship; and you're already wondering how he's going to take care of you and a family. His earning potential isn't the problem. You don't have a job; so it's looking too far off to wonder how things will be at this point. These days, the financial responsibility of raising a family and supporting a household is equal on both partners.Get yourself a job, get yourself established, and take your time. Then see how things workout.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2017): I married a man without a big wallet. Against my parent's wishes. But here we are 20 years later. Still married. In time, he went to school and bettered himself and is now very successful. Never judge a book by its cover. Love is more important than financial stability. You can find plenty of people with money but very few people who will love you and treat you right. In fact, sometimes those with money are not very nice people! If you love one another, stick it out. Make a plan, have goals and work together. Love never fails. You have your whole future ahead of you. Do not define it by this moment but what you envision it to be. As long as you are together and working as a team, anything is possible! Hang in!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2017):
 This may seem harsh too, but yours is a strange question, coming from someone who is unemployed , or at best a part time worker : where is YOUR big wallet ? What do you bring to the table, moneywise ? Maybe you should concern yourself about how to become affluent, or at least financially stable, yourself,in your own right, before thinking about the size of his wallet.
Anyway- I suppose he is just starting out and if he's got talent and persistence, he can make a more than decent living with his job. Chefs can be wildly successful - ever heard of , say, Alain Ducasse or Andrea Bottura or Ferran Adria' ? but even without making it into the olympus of the world famous , TV stardom -type chefs, a chef hired by a middle level restaurant generally makes a more than satisfactory income.
So, no , I don't think that a man without a fat wallet should be a deal breaker- and particularly in a case like yours.
I'll explain : while obviously you can be as happy, or even much happier, with a sanitation worker than with a plastic surgeon,- alas it is true that if you have to face a lifetime of constant struggle and constant sacrifice it would take you a more than average committment and a more than average courage , because a lifetime of deprivation and money problems causes a lot of stress and often ends up with eroding the relationship, and sucking the joy out of it... I don't see, though, why this should be the destiny of anybody who's marrying a chef, whose wallet may not become fat but it won't even be particularly anorexic :)
He does not get paid well NOW, but he does not have to stay forever where he is at now. For people who's got drive, ambition, and a skilled and sought after trade in their hands, there are always occasions for growth.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2017):
 Not for me, no.
If he was lazy or didn't WANT to work, it would be an issue but if he pursuing something he loves to do with a lower income than he potentially COULD earn in another job, I have no issue there.
You have to figure out how YOU feel.
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