A
female
age
51-59,
Viv Acious
writes:So, they are both at it again. Who's at it? My two best female mates and they are doing what they both said they would NEVER do. They are both internet dating...again. Why? I sobbed, looking up at the ceiling in hope of some divine guidance from a light-bulb. Why? I begged. Didn't we spend years dating just about every kind of male profile on the planet? Didn't we all swear that we would never, ever, date through the internet again. They looked at me. "It's because it is the only way we can get to meet men, hon. Work? Forget it. They are either all married, unshaggable or barking mad", said Sarah."I don't have the time to socialise. It is the fastest way to meet men. If you work long hours and you don't have time to get out, what else can you do?" Lorna added."But..." I whispered. "You know how this will end. You know it! Your poor, poor creatures - you have merely forgotten the horror...THE HORROR of internet dating"My poor, confused friends had clearly been struck down with hysterical amnesia and luckily, I thought, I was there to help them remember.On joining, you will be sent dozens, if not, hundreds of messages, winks, etc from a bunch of unsavoury looking men - men whose faces only their mothers could love. You tell yourself that you are not being shallow for judging them on their looks - but don't reply to their messages. The first sense of being in a meat market begins.As for you, you only read the profiles of those men you fancy. Men without pictures and mingers are ignored. Then...you get a message from someone you like the look of. You have a sense of oooooo! in your stomach. Someone I like the look of likes the look of me. So, you enlarge their profile picture, inspect their faces, imagine if you could kiss that mouth and pant underneath him in sexual abandonment. Hmmm...you think ...I likey...woohoo!So, you reply back and then the flirty email marathon begins. NOTE, this period of extensive email sending ONLY lasts for the first 2/3 people you meet up for a date. There should be a law about putting up photos that bear NO resemblance to the man who arrives for dinner. Hmm....the profile definitely said 5ft9 (normally too short for me but his face was very cute) but look here....a fat, bald, angry midget has arrived. Damn! And we agreed dinner. Shit! For my second date, I'll only meet up for a drink and then I'll make my excuses and leave if it goes tits up!So, you suffer the first date and manage to get away as quickly as possible, lying to him that you may like to see him again and then texting him the next day thanking him for a lovely date (manners, always good manners, dah-ling) but you didn't feel the X-factor with him - that special something you are looking for. He doesn't text back and you feel a sense of relief. He's sulking and feels rejected, but, hey - what can you do? That sense of relief is just too fine. (It's that some gorgeous feeling you have when you stop internet dating altogether!) So, you already have a second date lined up with another lovely (hah!) man and off you go and email him and plan to meet up for a drink only - and in the evening. That way you won't be trapped at a table with an angry midget and bowl of olives.Hmm...so, there you are..waiting at the table and then someone, approximating their photo shows up. It's not that they don't look like it...it's just a really flattering photo. It also managed to hide their balding head. Oh, well, no-one is perfect, you think. Maybe good sparks will fly. However, there you are...hoping, being optimistic....'Hello' he says in the world's dullest voice. Oh no...you think! Why didn't I call him first? Why didn't I check his voice out? Why was I being soo optimistic? Next time, one email and a phone call...next time, you think as you glance over at the clock on the wall.So, up comes the third date. Now, this is an odd one. You meet, get on a like a house of fire - you are flirting, they are flirting, there is chemistry, all things are going fantastically well (Yes! you think...Yes!). The date ends brilliantly, you plan to meet up next week and then...you never hear from them again. You see them on the dating site (they haven't been run over or deported) and you add them to your 'HUH??' list. The 'HUH?' list is a wierd one. What was that all about? So, now...you are starting to become a little bit suspicious and a little bit cynical about internet dating. Hmm...it's just a big ole candy-store for men, isn't it? (You tell yourself, forgetting all the men you have dismissed yourself) He's probably dating dozens of women, the bastard!And you start to note the conversations you have with your dates - conversations you would never have with a man under any other circumstances. So, how's all the dating going?? Think about it? Imagine going to a club or a bar and having a drink with someone and asking them..so, how many women have you hit on this evening? Is it going well? How are you finding it? Still looking for the one, are you? So, now you are heading onto date four. You have decided that there will be only one email, one phone call, you will meet up only for one coffee for 30 mins in the afternoon and, even if the date goes well, you won't get your hopes up because of the last one's disappearing act. Now, this one actually goes well....and it leads onto another date (hmm...it's going to end in tears, isn't it..you can tell), you're getting on very well and then it is time to think about kissing .....and more. So, you have a smooch and you like him but we are still in the odd world of internet dating. At what point do you ask someone if they are dating anyone else or if they have any more dates lined up? (this line of questioning would simply not happen in the normal world of dating - you'd dump anyone as a creep if they told you over dinner and a kiss that they have loads of other dates lined up - but this is internet dating). So - it goes well, you've had a smooch and you agree to meet up again for another date (this time at his place...oh yes, we all know where this is leading). However, something has happened to you. You have caught the fickle internet dating bug. Oh yes...the one thing you loathed and accused men of, you now have. Well..you think..what's good for them is good for me.....I bet he's dating loads of women anyway. Anyway, we're not going out and you never know there could be someone even better out there! - and this is the DRUG and the drag of the internet dating mentality. There could always be something better just around the corner. Sure, you like this guy and sure, you'll meet up with him again...but...you will also plan other dates.So, you do plan other dates, because the guy you're seeing more of is also still dating (when, when would this ever be ok?) and your other dates are similar to all your previous awful dates. Men who say they are 5ft9" who are usually 5ft1". Those who have just broken up and cannot stop talking about their ex-girlfriends. There are those who cross-examine you on your life. People ask questions on internet dates you would NEVER ask anyone in normal life. It is like going for an interview. So, why are you internet dating? When did you last go out with someone? When did you last have sex? Yes, you may meet a few blokes and go out with them for a few months, have some sex and then break up. Eventually, boring dates, nutters hung-up on their exs, divorcees, liars, dullards, exhaust you. You cannot have that same conversation again, you cannot meet up for another coffee, you cannot be bothered! You met your last boyfriend on it, who you dated for 4 months and realised he was a total lunatic with a mother obsession. You quite simply WILL NOT do it! Don't do it!And then, Lorna said it. "Well, my friend at work met up with a great guy on this new dating site, which is meant to be excellent - not like the other ones we were on and it seems to be great." Sarah nodded in agreement."Yeah, this one is meant to full of really fit blokes and god, do I need a shag, love."All I could do, was roll me eyes...and write down the details...! Here we go again....again...again!
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at work, divorce, ex girlfriend, flirt, kissing, liar, my ex, period, spark, text, the internet, trapped Reply to this Article
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 November 2010):
Hello again. Yes, there is always the ex girlfriends who are possessive and make trouble. So be very aware of them, when they occur.
But generally speaking, there are dating websites and there are dating websites.
Although I have never actually used one (I am happily married 25 years), some internet dating companies, do more careful matching of people than others.
The better ones try to match up interests, personality types, perhaps even star signs (maybe), marital status. There is so much to screen for.
Perhaps when you or your friends go searching the internet for prospective partners, really do some thorough homework by looking on many different websites just to find out as much as you can about how they operate. It could at least give you more to go on before you actually enter your own profile. Then you can make your choice.
Don't rule it out altogether, but just be really wary of the guys you choose to go out on a date with. You could even have a check list with things such as:-
- Does he drink too much?
- Does he swear a lot (using the "F" word)?
- Does he constantly talk about his ex girlfriend (or ex wife)?
- Is he argumentative about even tiny little things?
- Does his eyes wander around the room to look at what other pretty women are also in the room?
- Can you talk easily and comfortably with him about anything and everything, with no awkward silences?
- Does he talk shop all the time (about what he does for work)? Like he can't think of anything else to talk about.
- Does he seem extra keen to really get things moving and getting serious way too early in time. (Like he wants to hurry up and get married to someone - anyone!)
- Is he a gambler (horses), or does he play the poker machines a lot - if you go to a club, for instance?
- Does he get angry or irritated if you say something that disagrees with the way he thinks?
- If he is well built (from weight training at a gym), and he is also moody and sarcastic over very little, it could be that he might be taking steroids to make his muscles bigger. If that's the case, be very careful indeed, as the steroids can dramatically change a person's moods and they can often become violent and very dangerous over time the longer the steroids are used. So that's another red flag to be aware of.
These are just a few things to be wary of when dating a guy at any time really, by internet or meeting in other ways.
Just as long as a man treats you well and with respect, as well as not displaying any of the last points I mentioned just now.
The "talking shop" bit is not a particularly bad trait, probably more to do with a guy being a bit shy and so he just resorts to what he knows. You could always politely change the subject with that, if it happens - no big deal.
Just follow your heart, and go with what feels right to you always.
Also when first going out with a new man, don't tell them too much very personal stuff about yourself, and don't talk about all your bad experiences with men prior to him, either. That's a big turnoff. Just relax and keep it light and fun.
A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (13 November 2010):
Viv Acious is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very, very much for your comments - very much appreciated!
Lorna and Sarah have already have had some absolutely demented dates - but they are still optimistic - bless..hehe (I'll give them another few months). Lorna also reminded me about psychopathic ex-girlfriends who still think they are girlfriends - and who show up during the date...oh joy! xx
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (13 November 2010):
Hi there. It is a great article, and everything you said is what I would have imagined it to be.
People do sometimes lie about themselves.
However, I can see why some people might take that path of internet dating. Because it's easy, I guess. Especially if you work long hours and have a busy life generally.
Otherwise, bars really aren't a place to meet good men. Half of the time they are probably half drunk or very drunk. Also probably married or otherwise taken.
A better way to meet good genuine men, would have to be starting up a new hobby or interest, that you have to go somewhere to meet people.
People meet prospective partners in many different ways - standing on a railway station, a bus stop, waiting in a queue at a bank or post office. Anywhere at all really. There really is a huge amount of ways to meet people.
You could join a local gymnasium, where there's mixed company. You naturally get talking to many different people there. You make friends, and those new friends might have other friends who might be male and free and unattached. You just never know. The possibilities are absolutely endless. You could even meet many nice young men there who are doing the weights training.
Dating websites aren't the only way of meeting men.
It's meeting under artificial circumstances, and like you said - "like going for an interview for a job". I get that, I really do. It's not so relaxed and natural as it would be if you just met someone in your daily travels.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Great article,OP. Absolutely brilliant,comgratulations.
I am a reformed, repented Internet dater and now I am a bit like one of those ex smokers who become very sanguine about passive smoke and get upset at the first hint of a cigarette being lighted half a mile from them .
I must admit though that through a dating site I met the love of my life, well, perhaps the passion of my life. It only lasted 18 months and it ended in tears, but... it was so good while it lasted .
Nevertheless,yes, it goes more or less like the OP describes. I think the reason why it becomes slightly addictive and one keeps stubbornly and inanely sifting through rubbish knowing it's rubbish, it's mostly boredom and ego. When life has lost some zing, and the world does not prompty and obediently recognizes you as the unique wonderful exceptional creature of excellence that you are :)- it's comforting to open your inbox and finding 50 new messages from people clamouring for your attention. You feel like the belle of the ball.
Never mind that 15 are from obviously mentally deranged individuals, 15 with faces that only their mother could love, and 15 are pictures of penises in various stages of arousal . There are 5 left...that still hold mystery and promise and excitement...for the next couple of days.
Said that, though, love is such a powerful and pervasive energy that can dwell and prosper everywhere. People find love in jails, in hospitals, in refugee camps- I know of a lady who met her second husband at the cemetery- while visisting the tomb of her first husband. So, never say never... and best of luck to all the DearCupiders who are looking for that special someone through dating sites !
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Lovely article (the funny parts are hilarious).
No personal experience with that sort of thing (well, not in the way you've described) but seems realistic too.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I loved this article! well written, funny and true! It's not all horror stories, my mum is now engaged to a lovely man she met on a dating site. However, after her success I thought I'd give it a try and unfortunately have now formed the same ideas as you!
I've been with my partner for 2 years now and that was all down to facebook...not the same but definitly something to be said for the internet! :)
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (9 November 2010):
Viv Acious is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhehe....KC..I am DELIGHTED it has gone well for you and I wish you all the very, very best!
DIRTBALL...many thanks for your comments and I also wish you the very best of luck!
Cheers....x
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I really liked your article. I am venturing out into the world of internet dating myself. This is my first stab at it, and I've been very hesitant because of what you describe. Still, not knowing where to meet available women my age who aren't alcholics has led me to the last option I thought I'd ever try...
Here's hoping my experience is better than yours. Maybe I'll be just as jaded eventually, but I hope I can end up like kc instead.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 November 2010):
 As a former internet dater myself, I do agree with a lot of what you said, and it is full of derranged men, and lots to add to your "huh?" list (love that!) even when you have been dating for a while!
The best one for me was I had been on a few dates with a lovely guy, everything was great, he went off on holiday for a week and was texting me non-stop while he was away. We officially became a couple, even got to the point where I had mentioned him to my parents. Then after about 2 months - bang! He vanished off the face of the earth, with no explanation, no break up line, nothing whatsoever! You can understand the no contact after one or even 3 dates, but being together 2 months and then doing the vanishing act?! Bonkers! Of course I saw him back on the site, he had uploaded a couple more photos!
After that awful experience (I was really quite hurt as I did really like him) I left the site for a while, but then I was sucked back in again. But I am happy to say that I have something that contradicts you story - I am now living with a lovely man who I met on an internet dating site, we have been together 14 months now and it is going amazingly well. So it is not ALL freaks and disasters, just like in real life there is the odd gem out there but it is just hard to find them!
So it is not all bad, it is difficult but then again I dont think it is any more difficult than real-life dating, its just different thats all. For me, the reason why I started using it was because I had moved to a new city and didnt really know many people. I had been single for a while and wanted to meet someone, however I was working long hours at my new job and there were no real opportunities through work or hobbies to meet men.
So it was perfect for me, and if (not tempting fate here) something does go wrong with my current relationship, I would definitely go back to online dating. It was worth it to find such a great guy so I know it could come up with something again!
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