A
female
age
41-50,
*gneta
writes:I have been seeing a guy for quite a short time. It started out as a one night stand but we have been seeing each others again after that. It is clear it is nothing else than for sex, which is fine with me since I am recently single and not really looking for anything more solid for the very moment. Only now he stood me up last week and just given some lame excuse and I don't know how to deal with this. Having a no-string as I see it, still should be surrounded with some kind of respect for each others, right? How would you think/act here? Just don't care and see him again for the fun of it (which it is), or drop it immediately to avoid ending up waiting around like a scorn girlfriend?
View related questions:
one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 December 2012):
 Eh Agneta... you see what happens when you don't listen to the Aunts ,lol .
Not to rub it in your face, but you could totally have seen this coming. Started as an ONS... continued but clearly it's about sex only... he starts being a jerk, and standing you up, ...you say you don't want to wait around like a scorned girlfriend, but then you do.
Then the other developments, the newborn...with all that you let him move in and treat your house like an hostel , and when he's done getting what he needs, bye bye, see ya.
One has to be cut out for FWBs and be able to handle them without getting attached. You apparently are not the type for these things, so in future , you know you'd better avoid them.
Life is for the brave. Really, it takes courage to thrive and a have a good life. Like, the courage of giving up something that's fun, pleasant, flattering, exciting in the moment... but ultimately betrays the essence of what we are and what we believe in. The courage to say , no I want gold, this is just gold plated tin, I won't take it, either I get the gold I deserve , or I'll do without beautifully, thank you very much.
There's no " game ", really, when you know who you are and you respect yourself. Then it's simple, you only accept what works for you, no substitutions please.
Naturally, it's a process, for most people, it's a trial and error thing. This trial resulted in an error; good, it was useful,so now you know what NOT to do next time.
Chin up , and good luck.
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (31 December 2012):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok, now he has left. He will not move abroad for good after all but be back soon to live on his own here.
I have had my heart totally crushed. I feel used of course, and as anonymous says, it was better when he was just my lover. Then he showed more passion and affection then now. He used to hold my hand, look me in the eyes and even kiss me goodbye when leaving. Now it was just bye, thanks for everything, without hardly looking at me.
On the other hand I now know for sure he is not someone who would make a boyfriend for me. I will never have to think about that anymore.
I decided the other day to have the courage to tell him what I felt, both that I had started having feelings for him and that I felt a bit used by him. I also asked how he saw me. He said he liked me, that I was special but that he will not say he is in love with me. He said he too was thinking he'd treated me like I was a hostel and felt bad about it. Before he had texted me kisses and was holding me all nights, but after this talk he got more distant. I feel he started thinking I am a boring person to him and that hurts a lot. The progress went from seemingly maybe liking me to getting really bored of me.
Actually it hurts so much I can't think and don't know how to make it stop. I deleted every text and log with his number and will not take contact but I just cry all the time. I know I have been stupid, but I didn't know how to make it differently. Before I was thining it was entirely him, not me, but now I start thinking it is me who is bad, who don't know how to play this "game". I go after my feelings and I mess up. I feel trashed to pieces and don't know how to get up. I need help to restore. Help to fix my thinking around this, to get more clear.
...............................
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (28 December 2012):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI let him because I was interested in getting to know him better. I understand his perception of the world is totally different from mine. I don't believe he has evil intentions, he just does what comes to his mind in the very moment. I understand it is not me, that it is him being totally strange, but I don't know how to get out of it. It is so intense and at the same time so wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): to your original question, yes I think you had every right to be upset that he stood you up. Doesn't matter if it's FWB, if you had an agreement you honor it doesn't matter if it's for FWB, a business meeting, or meeting a friend for lunch. that's just common courtesy and no reason why FWB and courtesy have to be mutually exclusive.as to your most recent update. I think this is a bad idea. Unless you enjoy drama you should definitely dump him now. No this is not normal. He's being dishonest and indecisive that means you can never know what his true intentions are, and even if you were to try to communicate and ask he wont' tell you the truth so you still have no idea if he is committed or not or how much or for how long or on what conditions. This is a non-relationship already. It was better as FWB, and I think he still is seeing you as just a FWB. but if you can't do that without getting yourself emotionally involved and wanting more then it's better to just cut off all ties.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 December 2012):
 why in the world did you let him move in?
if it's just two weeks and then he moves abroad, tough it out and then make your goodbyes and let him go. he's using you sweetie.
...............................
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (26 December 2012):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must make an update, since so many things happened.
We continued seeing each others for another month, then I found out he is having a newborn. I asked him about it and he told me the mom and he split up a few months ago. I found all this too hard and said I want no more of us. He accepted this. A few days later I changed my mind and we met again, and last week he moved in with me. Only for 2 weeks until he is moving abroad for work. I am very confused now. The hot steaming tension is gone and is replaced by cuddling. Which maybe is good but frustrating. At times he talks and acts as if he is into me and at other times he seems like just a friend. His ex is also not happy, of course and there have been some fights between them. He doesn't want to come with to my friends and I am not invited to come with to see his.
I am so confused. I used to feel like a cool person, but now I am totally lost. I also realize I have no idea what is normal. Maybe it is normal start up to do what we are doing? Maybe I am just being totally used? And I am really not used to talk about my feelings. I feel at times like those grumpy men who would rather die then show vulnerable feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (1 October 2012):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDenise, I got that idea after having gotten it myself a few times at guys' houses before leaving in the morning and I found it very caring. I will not speculate in whether they kept it for fwb or other friends ;-).
And condoms, yes, are you kidding me? Nope can do without! That is mandatory!
Ok, I am all fine about this q now, thanks everyone.
xo
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 October 2012):
 Look: either dump this man immediately and don't get into FWB situations again, or, if you do, be prepared for the fact that you may well encounter the same kind of treatment again.
Yes, they SHOULD let you know if they're going to stand you up; all very good in theory, but it doesn't always work that way. If you want to provide a disposable toothbrush and a towel, that's over and above the call of duty. He ought to be responsible for that himself. In fact, tell him to bring a toothbrush and towel. Then if he really wants to have an "encounter", he'll comply. The ONLY thing you might provide is a packet of condoms - oh, and make sure you get tested for STDs. It's as simple as that. No need to agonize over what happened.
...............................
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (30 September 2012):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CindyCares och So_Very_Confused. I am glad that there are others who think some decency must apply in all situations in between people.
CaringGuy, you do give very caring answer, it is wise and much appreciated, but I am far away from a recent break up and not either really hurt since I don't have feelings for this guy and definitely don't want him in my own pocket (I really liked that expression, btw :-)). But I was naively baffled. On the one hand I found it amusing how he acts like a teenager, on the other I felt like wtf, just say you changed your mind and that right away, or do not bother calling me in the first place, you tw*t. I agree with CindyCares, no need to piss on people no matter how or why you meet. It is so bothering that just because it is about casual sex, than all decency should be thrown down the drain.
I have my answers, it is simply as CindyCares and So_Very_Confused says, there are jerks about no matter what your intention/relation is, who don't know how to behave. And I guess better meeting the jerk in this situation than in the situation when you were really interested in something more serious. And personally I will continue being decent to people I meet, in whatever situations. And in case of casual sex provide the disposable toothbrush and a towel, if it is in my place, before I must ask them to leave. A special treat FWB deserves! :-)
I am so glad you were out there to help me think this over, cause it is not really a topic for the office coffee-break! Thanks again!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 September 2012):
I understand what Cerberus says, and I agree that in practice FWB and respect generally do not mix that well, but I still agree instead with Ciar.
That's COMMON courtesy, and by common I mean common, i.e. usual and mandatory, not some special sign of interest and favour, just the very basic ,general obligatory courtesy that has to be extended to everybody, literally everybody, including, I don't know, ..telemarketers, panhandlers and assorted ballbreakers.
I mean, if I let some Avon lady persuade me to give her an appointment for a make up demonstration, and she does not show up , well, obviously my life goes on. I don't care- I can live without what she is offering. In fact, I may be secretly happy and relieved, having decided that I had a better use all along for my time and money, that she forgot to show up. YET , I will still be mightily pissed off , because in civil society among civilized people, Monday at 6 means Monday at 6 . The person either shows up in time, or cancels with reasonable notice, or, at the very least, gets in touch with me first ( without waiting to be called out on his delay ) to apologize . These are the only acceptable
options , all the rest is an " I am pissing in your face " that obviously will be met with displeasure , disappointment and irritation. It's irrelevant if the meeting was supposed to be about steamy sex, or Avon products, or a prayer meeting- whatever it was, somebody has been unnecessarily pissing in your face.
So, I guess that maybe you should not be SURPRISED of his behaviour- but only because there are plenty of jerks around and sooner or later everybody meets one, not because the casual nature of your interaction legitimates and justifies acting rude and inconsiderate .
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 September 2012):
I happen to agree that since consideration is good enough for strangers it's even more important for friends. INCLUDING FWB.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2012):
This is why I repeatedly have said that FWB doesn't truly work. One always ends up feeling more than the other.
The whole point of a FWB is that you are not tied to each other, you're not bothered about what the other is doing, you're not in each others' pockets, you're not committed.
The moment that one person in an FWB relationship thinks otherwise, it has to end.
You are already scorned, and hurt. Don't make it worse for yourself by expecting him to be a stand-up guy - he won't be, because he's not your boyfriend. I think that because you've just come out of a relationship, you're blurring the lines between boyfriend and FWB. I think that really, you want a boyfriend but you're not quite ready yet.
So, instead, take your time getting over your ex, spend some time with friends, enjoy your life and when you're ready, meet a guy who will commit to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Agneta +, writes (30 September 2012):
Agneta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, so many answers! And as various as my thoughts leading me to want to ask somebody about it, haha, but all very helpful.Cerberus, I don't think you are a sexist ^^^^^e for this answer (but it I did read it with one eye shut ;-)), it is pretty much along how I think about it. It IS supposed to be loose, that's the nature of the ”no-string”. But, to answer Ciar's question, yes we had decided upon a specific place and time. An hour after this time passed, I send a text asking what happened, and he answered that he got drunk and couldn't make it. And it was he who had initiated this rendez-vous only shortly earlier. I am not really angry, I was mostly just surprised. In a way he is quite amusing too and yes, human_male, he is hot. I do however agree with Denise32 and human_male, that still we are both people, so why be inconsiderate? Why is it that when it comes to casual sex everybody must by some law of nature be ^^^^ like in Basschick's world? In a way that is some kind of a relation to another person even though no promises of exclusiveness or further commitments after the meet-up.I am quite a busy person myself and on a few occasions was unavailable when he asked to meet up. I then told immediately, that this and that day I can't but this and that I can. No need to be rude, ha? Who knows where we meet again in the future? I am not in healing from a break-up, Cerberus, I just did the serious thing since teenage and now I want to explore this casual thing (a bit reversed life maybe), and I guess this was just one step on getting ”wiser” in that exploration :-).
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): "Having a no-string as I see it, still should be surrounded with some kind of respect for each others, right?"
Nope. OP no-strings. He can do what he likes and you can too. Why would we respect a piece of ass? No offence OP but if you want respect from us as more than just a warm hole to stick it in then fuck buddies is not for you.
The kind of "courtesy" you're looking for is a string, it's a tie, it's hassle. Your job is to spread your legs when we're in the mood and give us no hassle about it about if we're not.
He didn't stand you up he just changed his mind about shagging you that day. No big deal if this is a no-strings thing. Just as it's no big deal if you want to stop the arrangement. You too are free to cancel or not show up without the other person being pissed off.
If you want some cock then just take it, if you want respect, to be treated nice etc. then casually date or something.
Now before you think I'm a sexist asshole all the above words are interchangeable, the guy being just a warm cock, a piece of ass etc. it works both ways. That is the nature of no-strings OP, there's absolutely nothing "deal with" as you put it. You either have sex that day or not, no big deal. If you can't handle that then walk away and get rid of this idea of no-strings because frankly OP the fact that you're a bit put out by him not shagging you that day to the point where you need to "deal with" it, that's a pretty big ass string.
Maybe you need to spend some time away from us guys until you've healed from your break up OP. Or just let go of being pissed off and continue, accept his excuse and know that you too are free to cancel, stand him up too, that is the best part of it. You don't have to put in any work or be in any way nice and you get free sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I think anytime you enter into a 'nothing but sex' relationship the respect and mutual responsibility goes right out the wiindow. He behaved exactly the way a man would in this situation. If you want respect you have to be more than a piece of a** to a guy. Otherwise they will just use you and toss you aside.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 When you say he stood you up, you mean you had an arrangement and he just didn't show up or did he cancel ahead of time with a lame excuse?
I think common courtesy applies to any relationship, be it formal or intimiate. So if he just didn't show up and provided some weak excuse after the fact then I'd let things fizzle out. I wouldn't even bother saying anything as that might make you look clingy. Just stop calling him and don't take his calls. If and when you do answer the phone, be pleasant but busy and unavailable. Kind of dismissive.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (30 September 2012):
Well, generally speaking, in a "friends" with benefits situation, the only concern is supposed to be when and how you make arrangements to meet for sex.
Even though there aren't supposed to be any other expectations, it was very inconsiderate of him to stand you up without notice.
As to how you deal with it, well, how would you feel if it happens again? What about swallowing your anger and not calling him on his behavior? My guess is you will have the choice to stuff it down and live with it - or drop him immediately if it happens again.
...............................
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Just because you're not in a relationship doesn't mean there shouldn't be respect and consideration, so you have every right to not be happy about it. If you've told him you don't appreciate being stood up and he hasn't bothered to give you a proper apology then it doesn't sound like he's a very decent or considerate man.
Since you're in this thing with him just for the sex I assume he's pretty attractive and sexy, and guys like that are often uncaring with how they treat women because they know they'll be able to get another one. So you have a choice to make, tell him to get lost, or put up with it because he's hot.
But that being said if it was just one time and he normally treats you better then maybe give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe something came up and he just forgot to call you to let you know. You deserve an apology because it hurts when that happens. Just let him know how you feel. Just because you're not boyfriend and girlfriend doesn't mean you should treat each other like that.
...............................
|
