A
female
age
30-35,
*impernel
writes:I'm stuck in the middle of a dilemma. First a quick background thing about me: I have a penchant for getting into online relationships. I always get incredibly into them, but despite my feelings, I've never gotten a visit (more because of my circumstances and how my family views my relationships than my partners' willingness). It frustrates me and now I'm 20 years old and have never had a sexual experience with someone I love and care about.I got back together with an ex I'd been pining over for 9 months at the end of June. We will call him A. A and I have very compatible interests and play off each other incredibly well. I'm attracted to him because he's witty and playful. He has a kind of inner light that can really inspire me, However, he can and has taken me for granted, treating me like I am not a priority to him at all. I have discussed this with him and he's doing his best to improve on it. I respect A and appreciate him, but I feel like he may not want to be "there" for me emotionally. He never comes off as very thoughtful and I'm never certain if this is simply because of the barrier the internet puts up. I'm not sure if we were together-together, whether this would change. He intends to move to my city in March or April (only after I told him how hurt I was that I don't feel like a priority to him), but can't seem to find the money to save up to visit me before then in spite of having money for his drug (read: pot and acid and alcohol) habits. We've known each other under romantic context for 2 years (including the break up time...otherwise a year and a couple months). Also, despite my encouragement and eventually urging, he hasn't sent me a birthday present (it has been a month since I turned 20). I am not a material person. He could have sent me a rock if he made a convincing enough case for it. Like a rock rock that you find in the dirt or the sand and not "rock" as a slang term for a gemstone or diamond. All I asked for was something with thought and love put into it and hopefully a letter. Honestly, after the confrontation I had with him about him not being there for me, I feel less inclined to talk to him.In mid July or so, I "met" B and started talking to him. We ended up growing attracted to each other and for lack of a better word, connected. He makes me feel appreciated and like I can trust him with my deepest insecurities. We can also talk for hours and hours on end. Also, if I were with him, he would come and visit as soon as he could, and he has, in fact, sent me a birthday present. However, we don't have many common interests, though we're both willing to (and have done so) invest time in learning about each other's. We've cut contact back to weekly emails (no skyping or talking or IMing) though in order to respect my current relationship, though. This makes sense, but we miss each other terribly.I will add, that he sent me some fantastic british chocolate and a lovely letter for my birthday. Maybe I have been too emotionally available to him in light of my relationship status, but he makes me feel secure and, well, actually loved. Whereas A tends to treat me as a friend he's sexually attracted to for the most part outside of his occasional romantic outburst (which he says makes him feel awkward).I understand that the choice here looks terribly obvious, but it is difficult to make for me. I have put in so much time with A, and now that it looks like I might have a chance at seeing him someday, would it be worth the wait? Would getting to be with him strengthen our relationship and make us closer, and me more likely to feel that security I feel with B? While B seems like the best immediate choice, is there hope for me and A to salvage what (I felt) we had and have a strong and happy relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): You generally need to accept someone in a relation for who they are: flaws and qualities, and that it's very difficult to change someone, therefore A is not likely to change and you will continue to be unhappy. B seems like someone who respects you and seems to be boyfriend material (you also mention this). The only flaw you mention is that you don't really have similar interests, however if you both are openminded and both want to get to know about it/are genuinely interested about it and both make efforts there's no reason why it can't work. Seems here like this is a battle between the brain and the heart... You know that A is bad for you and yet there is something there that still keeps you wanting to be with him where as you know from a logical point of view that B has more to offer and will be able to fulfill your needs. Even if you decide in the end to pick B, do you feel something emotional for him? Maybe neither are actually compatible with you or else you would have already made your choice.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Honestly ?...Honestly honestly ?...
I feel that you do not have a penchant for online "relationships ", you have a penchant for online fantasies. You have- most naturally-needs for attention, affection, validation and it's easier to pretend with yourself that there is a real connection, a real attraction, with some total stranger that ,for all you know, in person could be totally repulsive to you both as chemistry and as personality , than to challenge yourself and to establish real relationships with real people with whom you can have real ,hands on interactions in daily life, for good or bad. As it is, you are basically willing to make a square peg fit in a round hole- as long as they give you attention, and say the words that reassure you and stroke your ego.
It must be a generational thing, I can't ever quite get over how people take these things seriously. Words are just words, some people can ,in good or bad faith, enchant you with words, tug at your heartstrings, elicit strong emotional reactions, but this does not mean particularly anything if you don't check out your actual compatibility . Every time I listen to, say " Angie" or " Wild horses " it STILL can move me and sort of make me teary eyed , that does not mean that Mick Jagger is my soulmate, in fact I could not have lasted 15 minutes with such a narcissistic, hedonistic prick .
As a matter of fact, why even beginning investing so much feeling and time on online " relationships " , if you already know that your circumstances and your parents will make impossible or at least very hard to receive in person visits ?... That sounds illogical and self defeating. But you sound like an intelligent girl, and I think you are aware that this is a way to NOT confront your insecurities and vulnerabilities, and to live a love story in the place where you feel safest living it : in your head.
So, I will give you an advice that I am sure you will not follow , ditch A, B, and all the alphabet, go out and about, make friends, get to meet people in person. You can't fall in love with words on a screen or voices on the phone, in fact, you can- but 99% of times is just infatuation with no foundation for anything real and lasting and fulfilling in everyday life.
Said that, and knowing that an " addiction " to online romance is hard to break...at least, get rid of A. Pot, acid and alcohol habits,plus, a tightwad- and emotionally unavailable. Sheesh ! Don't you think you deserve anything better than that ?!
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A
female
reader, Pimpernel +, writes (30 September 2012):
Pimpernel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuick clarification:
A part of me isn't sure if I'm just so desperate for some much needed cuddle time that I'd take the guy it's easiest to get it from over who I'm with. Help me organize my feels, agony aunts!
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