A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with a truly lovely man for 4 years and we were that couple that were so into each other, laughing together and holding hands all the time, absolute best friends. The last 2 years has been a very difficult time for both of us with so many stresses going on. We've both left a job in very diffucult circumstances, to travel for 6 weeks, then come back and find new jobs together. When we came back, we were so tired and despite having a great time, stressed out still. My sister got sick and we had to travel again, so we took off again for another 6 weeks and spent the last of our savings being with her.When we came home, we could no longer get our own place and had to share with my mother for a while. We struggled to get jobs for a long time, money was tight, we didnt have our own space. Eventually, my partner got a job that required serious training out of town and 9 months of doing full time work and then training after work, whilst also travelling back and forth to work for 1hour and half each day, he was exhausted. It was the most stressful job I have ever heard of, so demanding and hanging over his head the whole time is the fact that they kick people off the job very easily if you dont measure up.The last 4 months the hours have reduced to just work and travelling (still long days for him), we found our own house, just sold off all our double ups 2 weeks ago, and our new place was so dirty when we moved in it has taken us the 4 months to get it to where we like the way it is.I have started a business in this time whilst working 32 hours a week and taking care of everything on the home front. My partner also lost his grandfather, and is close to losing his grandma now.We had got to the stage of coming home from work, doing what we could setting up around the house and for the business, then we'd grab take away exhausted and watch an hour or 2 of tv, barely talking to each other. I also had a IUD put in the last 12 months and whilst it destroyed my very lusty sex appetite, I still very often took care of my man but without the tenderness that would have been there if I wasnt tired and didnt have this contraception messing with my body.We finally got to the point where we could have a life again because over the months we had stopped saying yes to going out with friends, tired and depressed from too many challenges and no exercise or good food but then last week (the first week of our new lives together)my partner said he loves me, considers me his best friend and thinks it shouldnt be this way but the romantic love is gone.I did something Ive never done before during a break up as I can normally see a clear mismatch when it happens but not with this, my best friend. I really poured my heart out to him , asking him to at least try and work on it after 4 years and us both having thought this was the last relationship ever for us but he really wants time out on his own. He says he's never been on his own before and needs to do it. We have fought a bit over the years but not a lot (always getting less and less as we got to know and understand each other), and excepting the first few months, nearly always with love and kindness but he cant stand conflict and this also has bothered him. I know we fight nicer than anyone I know though because I respect him greatly I learnt to fight with love.This is the full story, long because I wanted you to understand that we have had just so much going on for quite some time and I truly believe that we both lost our individual spark rather than the relationship spark specifically. We are both working on ourselves now, changing our lives back to what makes us happy. Seeing friends, exercising, eating better, time on our own, things we just we too tired and overworked to do lately. We got together for the weekend of our break up and the sexual spark was still there between us and it was so great to be tender with each other again. He has been waiting 18 weeks to hear if he still has a job as they are considering letting him go and he really wants this job. He's a man who doesnt like to feel emotions, they make him uncomfortable and he doesnt like talking about them. Communication was our biggest problem and has caused problems before for us. I think everything has got on top of him and he just needs to run away from it. We havent taken time to bond together doing fun things and loving things for so long, it left us both feeling empty.He confesses to still jumping up everytime he hears a car in the driveway because he thinks Im home. We always watched out the window for each other because we miss each other when we are apart and he still looks forward to seeing me at the end of his work day.I am wondering, if he really doesnt have that love for me or could it be just he's numb from life right now because this doesnt seem right but he is insistent he feels something is missing that cant be fixed by trying and has been missing for a while even though he loves me and wishes it was me. Can you advise, I am about to separate from my best friend and I too feel that missing thing but I believe it to be the spark inside ourselves and the burden of our last 2 years weighing us down, taking us away from each other.Please help, I am honestly just so heartbroken. as is he. Even in losing family members has never made him cry this way, I am thinking that must mean something.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): If he telling you he needs time to himself, then let him go... If you try and hold him to you, he will claw and kick and hiss and end up hating you..
You both have been through a lot and he may find being on his own isn't the haven he thought it would be.. But he won't be able to do that if you try and keep him..
You need to pick yourself up, and start going out, treat him like a good a friend if he wants hugs kisses etc then your not providing them . That's gf stuff and he's just a friend, and that means no sex, no matter what.
In time you'll find out whether things will change back give him 6 months if he doesn't show interest then start dating. His loss at the end of the day, good women are hard to come by..
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Hi
Thats alot to go through in 2 years.It must be so hard for you now you've finally got the house and jobs,time to be 'normal',for him to drop this bombshell.
He must have given it some serious thought though and it can't have been easy for him to tell you.You have been pretty intense,spending weeks travelling together then another 6 weeks to be with your sister,then living with your mum, all in a short space of time.
Now he has decided you and he are not working,he needs space and time to be single.Let him go,hard as it is,you have to accept his choice.Dont go to him for weekends of sex,that doesn't help either of you.You need to be apart with no contact,its too emotional and raw.Only time will tell if you are meant to be together, for now you have to accept it and move forward into recovery.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Sorry to hear of your difficulties. It does sound as though you've both been under a very great deal of stress what with job loss; the death of his grandfather and imminent loss of his grandmother, plus finding somewhere suitable to live and getting it all organized. It's a LOT to have to deal with.
If he's telling you he needs time to himself - and has never really not been on his own before vis-a-vis relationships, plus the fact that he hasn't learned to deal with conflict, then these are important issues he must come to grips with in order to be more mature. You know, even though you don't like it, you have no choice but to agree to give him the time and space he needs - without contact, or any more sex.
POSSIBLY after he's had time to sort himself out he may decide you are the woman he wants to be with after all. However, if not, and the "something missing" persists then you'll to accept that that's his choice......
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