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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was watching George Clooney's The Descendants the other day. The movie is about a character that doesn't know his wife was cheating on him. Everyone knew and didn't tell him. He never treated the wife bad or cheated on her. She screwed him over and was planning to leave him for someone else. He had no idea. Yet all the friends took teh cheater's side. Why do people do this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2016): I for one can assure you people do take the cheaters side. My husband is team captain of a flyball team. I became close friends with one of the team members. Long story short I caught them cheating on me. He is 43 and she is 24. They are planning a real relationship. He only asked for a divorce once I found out. I'm stuck living under the same roof until the divorce e is final watching him stay out till all hours to be with her and half neglecting the dogs by having them in crates most of the time so he can be with her. I'm so sad I can't take them with me. Our friends have taken his side because it's more advantateous for them as most are part of the team. The 24 year old relationship has also broken up but that has been what she wanted anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I can give one example where the friends did not side with the cheater.In my example, I had a very good friend. She used to tell me all about her boyfriend, who became her live-in partner, who became her fiance, and eventually after much pressure from her, they got married and he became her husband. I attended their Wedding and was happy for them.My friendship was with her... yet a few times I saw him when she and I used to meet up. It wasn't much, but enough for me to know he was a good guy. At the beginning of the relationship, she also told me all the good things he did for her (run baths, get food, kind things). Of course, the complaints that were there before marriage, continued after. Not about him, but external things like extended family members, etc.Every time we met up, she would complain about the different things, but never necessarily about him. Imagine my SHOCK the day HE called me (I didn't even know he had my number) to tell me SHE is CHEATING on HIM!!! Of course, her being my friend, I didn't immediately jump to conclusions or take his word for it. I asked him if it was a rumour, or he got it straight from her? He said he got it straight from her. Still I said I needed to talk to her before judging, I needed full details.When I called her, she first stalled, but eventually came clean with what was going on, and indeed she DID cheat. I was very disappointed, and even though she apologised for the times we would meet up and she would talk about problems but not the real problem, it felt like I had been wasting my time with a "fake" friendship.Out of respect for her boyfriend, who was a good guy, who was in his first serious relationship, who respected her and did everything right, including marrying her, and this is how she treated him? NO WAY.Our friendship suffered, and eventually I let it die a quick death because I could not condone what she had done to an innocent guy who will be scarred for life.So you see - NOT EVERYBODY sides with cheaters. Sorry for what was done to you, and worse, that your friends sided with your ex, but it's good riddance. To your ex and the fake friends.Move on, find someone more deserving of your love and attention, and be selective of friendships.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): I know I'm a bit late but just want to add:
OP, what happened to you was devastating I know. Why don't u cry your last tears and then slowly move on: heal. Yes its sad and cruel in the manner he broke up with you BUT the more u focus, the more energy u dispense of this worthless creature only makes this more sad. Cut your losses: this is so hard BUT for u to survive, for u to heal, you need to let it be.
I firmly believe that cheaters get what is coming to them: I have noted here on DC that this proves true as well (sorry, but its true). OP the best revenge is living a well life.
Have your last pity party: and then Enough. Do not focus on him, what he is doing and with whom. Delete all contact details. All communication. Start a new hobby, new friends perhaps? Spend time on worthy people.
OP there are good men in the world. I have one of them. We have been married for 20 years are we have NEVER cheated on each other.
A massive bear hug from me: please take care
LoveGirl
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 What insults, OP ?
Nobody has insulted you here- we have just given you our opinions, which you had requested and which happen to be different from yours.
If this is your normal attitude in interpersonal relationships - " whoever is not with me is AGAINST me " then I am not surprised you did not get the support you wanted from your friends.
As for "proving " things, you don't have to prove anything, and you could not anyway. The fact that ONCE, i.e. your own unlucky personal experience, everybody sided with the cheater is not a proof that this is common and it happens all the time in the rest of the world. At most it would prove that you have been exceptionally unlucky, or that you need to choose your friends ( and bfs ) more carefully.
It proves anyway that you believe there's a strong moral obligation to expose a cheater. But some people do not share this opinion, and if they don't go by your book of rules, it does not have necessarily to mean that they hate you or they are bad people or they are out to get you.
Regardless of all this anyway , what I would like to stress is that all this happened quite a while ago, right ? ( I can't go check your posts without your screen name, but I am pretty sure I remember who you are ). YEARS ago. Would it not be time, and better for you, to let go of this powerless rage and bitterness that serve no purpose .
So you have been cheated on, and betrayed by your friends . It's very sad, and it must have hurt a lot. Now, do you want to nurse and cuddle this hurt for the rest of your life, ... or you want to meet new friends and new lovers and be HAPPY ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really hope one day they screw each other over. Or they are the last one to know they were cheated on. So much for "sisterhood". people are really two faced sheep following the herd. I've read similar breakups yet even the cheaters friends didn't take their side. That is why I couldn't understand this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): People say nothign because they don't want to get involved in someone else's relationship. Only the people in the relationship have all the information. Maybe one partner is cheating on the other but maybe the other partner has done equally horrible things in the past first. As an outsider you just do not know, nor do you have the right to know, all the intimate details of other people's relationship history and as such are not in a position to cast judgment. Thus the only thing left to do is to simply not get involved.
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reader, iloveblue  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 No I think it's not because they are taking the cheater's side but it's because they feel that they don't have the right to interfere in the person's relationship and be the first one to destroy it rather than to save it.I know how it feels really as at one point before I was on both sides. My now ex was cheating on me and I was really upset at his cousin who is very close to him because he just pretended like nothing is happening and later I found out he knew about it on day one. At the same time, my best friend is living with a man while her husband is living outside of the country. There were times really that I fight with her about what she is doing to her husband but what do I get, a big.."it's none of your business". When the husband calls, I couldn't get myself to say on the phone that she is cheating on him. I don't know him much, why would I suddenly spill something that is too sensitive. I will not help the situation, I will only make it worse.I was being cheated on and my bestfriend is cheating, it was the worse months of my life. I admit I still hate my ex's cousin to this day but he could be feeling exactly like me and for that I cannot do anything. There is a very common thing they say whenever such situations happen. "ohhh, they are old enough to handle their problem, stay away and mind your own business."If I were you, forget about this and just go ahead to enjoy your time now without your ex. Believe me, once you have moved on and found someone, you don't care much anymore about the past..because you don't care anymore about the person who caused you this harm and the pain isn't there anymore.Good luck.
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reader, landomando  +, writes (12 March 2012):
The took the cheaters side because she was there original friend. When in a relationship your original friends, before the relationship starts, usually stick bye your side and may agree or disagree with what is going on in your life but are always there to support you. I think we all stick by our friends side
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reader, ironman777  +, writes (12 March 2012):
I agree with the other aunts on this one most people who cheat are not the side people go with unless 1. thepartner is controlling, abusive or lazy and non loving.then people make excuses like well they werent good for them and the cheater will be much happier and better off.I would say its human nature also, that people side with the woman more regardless if they were the cheater. Men in societies eyes are supposed to stand on their own two feet and not be affected by emotions much where as woman are more emotional about it and need more support.Men who are cheated on are left defenseless, lost and unable to turn to people they trust. Their own families may even side with the other person thinking that the fault lies with the man. I feel sorry for these nice men and can see the OPs point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): There are classy ways to handle break ups and really tacky ways to handle them. Spilling out all your business to everyone and expecting them to back you up is not classy and will socially isolate you. If your boyfriend cheated on you, only your immediate family and a couple very close friends you trust should know about it!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
 “why should I do the right thing?”
You do the right thing because you live your life FOR YOU not for them… YOU DO THE RIGHT THING because you are an adult and do what’s right.
How others choose to live is their choice…do not stoop to their level….
When your ex turns everyone against you… you go out and meet new folks and make BETTER more adult and mature friends… because adults make their own choices….
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reader, k_c100  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 Sorry if you thought I had insulted you, I have re-read my post and cant see where I could have insulted you but if I have I apologize.
And as my post said, because you are an anonymous poster we cannot find your other posts, unless we have hours of spare time to sit and trawl through Dear Cupid. If you had an account we could find your past posts, and I would have read them and used that to help build my answer. However you are anonymous therefore this is not possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Apathy. some people just dont' care or believe its any of their business. would you believe anyone if they came out and told you?
also, the people who take his 'side', perhaps they are apart of his cheating ways so of course they'll remain quiet about it.
The dishonest tend to have each others backs as they know about the others deeds. So I say, others have cheated as well or were the ones he cheated with so, they did it for selfish reasons.
Sucks.
All you can do is become wiser and heal from this mess.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 March 2012):
 I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were talking about your real life as well. I still stand by my words though, people do not normally condone cheating no matter what the circumstances are. I hate to say it, but you must have strange friends/family if they took his side. I feel sorry for you that had to have been terrible. Perhaps your ex put a spin on the story and said you cheated too or something? Who knows? 99.9% of the time people will never side with a cheater. I've been on DC for over 3 years now and I've never seen a situation yet where a cheater was told it was ok to do so.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (12 March 2012):
 In the movie they were simply choosing not to get involved, they weren't siding with the wife at all. The movie was intended to make you sympathize with Clooney's character, not with the cheating wife.
I don't know what to tell you about your personal breakup, but I will tell you that once you get through it things will be easier to figure out. If your ex's friends are taking his side, that's to be expected because they are his friends. Going through a breakup is like having a close friend or family member die and you have to basically go through the entire grief process, which includes anger. You just need to give it some time and make sure to keep yourself as occupied as possible.
Take up a hobby or class, make sure you have something fun to look forward to every week and something you can work on and make progress on. Like a dance class, or an art class. Go out with friends and family. Do anything you can to take your mind off it, and eventually you will get through it.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 March 2012):
It's just a movie. In real life things are different. Very seldom people defends a cheater , they are judged quite harshly.
Besides, the story does not quite go as you report it . Not everybody knew about Clooney's wife cheating, only 3 people : her daughter and a married couple of friends.
The daughter , who had been shocked and furious at finding out her mom's tryst, sides with dad 100%. The married couple - they don't "side " with anybody. They had chosen not to alert Clooney,true ( which makes sense because being the wife's friends they probably did not enjoy the idea of ratting her out ) - but never in the movie they say they condone , approve or encourage the betrayal.
As for your personal case, I think I know who you are and I have seen some of your posts and the Aunts weren't siding with your ex, they were simply telling you to let go and move on, and don't keep worrying after such a long time ( it happened quite a while ago, right ? ) about the hows and the whys and being dumped by email etc. It happened, you can't change the past, try to live a happier present and a even better future, that was the gist .
Of course I haven't seen ALL the posts, maybe in others you gave more precise examples of how these people sided with the ex. Or ,...perhaps you are another poster altogether.
Anyway , it sounds to me that you have a problem with people knowing about someone who's cheating, and not warning the cheated partner. In other words, with "siding " before the split. Keep in mind that knowing what to do , when you know that a friend or a relative is being cheated on, is not that simple and easy. It's a delicate issue, the wrong step may make things worse. Maybe they are good friends of both, maybe they think that the truth would hurt you too much- or that you would not believe it. Maybe they think in good faith that it's only a small fling for which it's not worth to raise hell. Maybe they are on principle against interfering in other people's relationships.
Ratting out a cheater is not a general moral obligation, or even less a legal one, it's something left to individual discretion, on a case by case basis. If someone chooses to not spill the beans, it does not necessarily means that they are pro cheating, or against you.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
It's not true that everyone always takes the cheaters side.
my last marriage was unusual in that it was supposed to be an open marriage... hard to cheat right? but my now x husband would LIE to me about who he was with and what he was doing with them. His lies were cheating me.
IN our circle of friends he was not patted on the back and told "that a boy". He was held accountable by his friends for his lousy behavior.
Now he's fine with all our friends and he got custody of most of them but that's because of who I choose to be with now...not because they took his side.
Just because you saw it in a movie and it happened to you (perhaps they were his friends before your relationship) once does not mean it ALWAYS happens.
when any relationship ends someone has to get custody of the friends....
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell if you lived near me I could even prove it to you! Maybe you should actually read my posts : Dumped by text. Why should I do the right thing? They all betrayed me.
And : What do you do when your ex turns everyone against you?
Guess you didn't look hard enough? Thanks for the insults.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 March 2012):
I've NEVER heard of a real life situation where a single person has taken the cheaters side. As Mystiquek said, when you search this site for 'cheating' or something similar you will find a whole host of rather harsh responses to the person who is cheating, or if the situation is from the person who has been cheated on they will get responses like:
"You deserve better, he is a jerk, move on" etc
Even if this is based on a true story, that story is rare because not once have I ever heard of someone taking the cheaters side, not once have I ever taken the side of the cheater and I dont recollect a single response on this site (I have been here for years now) where they took the cheaters side.
Because you are an anymous poster we cannot see what your previous questions are, therefore we have no idea about your past and your situation, so I cannot comment on why people took your ex's side.
But putting that aside, I honestly think you have been swept up in the Hollywood drama of this film you've seen which isnt real - it is a film, over-dramatised to make it more exciting. It is a very rare case and doesnt happen often in real life.
If you are still bitter about what happened to you and the advice you received on here last time perhaps you could post the question again and see what the responses are like this time.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I'm not just talking about a movie. This also happened to em in real life. My posts are all on this site. I was dumped by text after a year and still everyone took the jerks side.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 March 2012):
You're talking about a movie. Its always more dramatic for a movie to do something different than what is expected. It wouldn't be interesting then if we knew how it was going to end, right? In real life, the majority of people do not condone cheating or take the cheater's side! Look at some posts on DC where people are thinking of cheating or have cheated and admit it. They get slammed by the other aunts. I am not sure where you got the idea that people support cheaters because in real life they don't.
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