A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Trapped in a loveless relationship. I am not married. I've been in a on/off relationship for 8 yrs. my problem is that after a split of around 9 mths I stupidly got back with my ex. He had lived with his mother most of our relationship which had caused a lot of our problems. She passed away and he lived alone for a while. He hated living alone and chased me until I gave in a let him back. I did feel sorry for him as I knew he had no family and we have 2 kids. Things were ok at first but as the months have gone by we have sank into a terrible rut. We are rarely intimate, he shows no sexual interests in me at all. I feel more like a mother than a lover. There is no passion. He critises me often, he is uninterested in what I have to say. If I'm talking he will make remarks like get to the point or if he talking and I make a comment he makes me feel like I'm stupid. I find him immature as his only friends are alcoholics, he slags them off but then disappears drinking with them at weekends if we're not getting on. He isn't by the way a alcoholic. Communication is low. I sleep in with our 4 yr old son most nights. He wouldn't dream of seeing a counsellor . I feel like my life is rubbish. I hate feeling unloved and I attractive I'm only 37. He sold all his furniture and is reluctant to move out of the home I rent. I feel bad for asking him to go because I know he has nothing and at some point he must of wanted it to work as he wouldn't of sold his stuff. Should I just pay him to leave.
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alcoholic, immature, my ex, trapped, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 If you can afford it and you want him gone, then by all means pay him to leave. I see no problem with it if it solves your problem.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 My girlfriend had a similar situation where she wanted her husband to leave. Here’s how she paid him to leave…
This couple regularly bought Lotto tickets, and one week it was up to 5 Million Dollars. Being so fed up with his entire bull shyte, she asked him; what would you do if I won Lotto? Being the smart arse that he was, he replied he’d take his half and leave! :)
So when the draw was announced, surprise, surprise she later collected her winnings… Come dinner time she put his half on the table. THERE, I WON $12.00, HERE’S YOUR HALF NOW FUCK OFF!
She lives happily ever after :)
Take Care – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): Do the same, you get the same. If it's a loveless relationship why do you take him back,why do you feel sorry for him.
Why don't you get rid of him and find a real man who wants a family life, not some leech who uses you like a doormat.
When your 60 and he has run off and married somebody else will you take him back if it does not work out for him.Will you still be waiting for the family life he promised?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Hi
Why would you pay him? Did he share the money he got for selling his furniture or something? Either way it's your home and his childrens,just tell him it's time to go.
He can find somewhere else to live I am sure. You have just taken over the role of his mother.
Its time he learnt to be independent, be an adult and face his responsibilities.So after he has gone he needs to pay child support for a start.
Your NOT responsible for him you can only look after your , well-being and that of the children. He is drifting, not making you happy, only YOU can sort out your life, be happy again.
Take a deep breath and tell him it's over and you want him out, if he won't budge, see a lawyer. OR stay as you are for the next 10-20 years, your choice.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 April 2013):
 No you shouldn't HAVE to pay him to leave. It was (I assume his choice to sell those furniture).
Ask him to leave or tell him to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): The only problem you have his him.
Get rid of this man and embrace all you have.
Your own place, space and independence.
It will be hard at first because he has become like a bad habit.
Everytime you wobble think of your children.
They need a strong, happy mother. You are his doormat, he will not change and in years to come he will be full of regret at his waste, don't let him put you there with him.
Do it today, no money, no more chances, thank you very much goodbye.
And make it clear if he wants to see his children he better shape up fast or leave him to hang out with the drunks he has chosen over happy family life. I wish you luck x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 No, you should not pay him to leave, if he sold his stuff it was his choice, you did not force him. He is a grown up and he will have to handle his problems and fix the messes he got himself into or created, like anybody else.
You say you feel as if you were his mother... but you are NOT his mother, so don't act as such.
I understand that you don't want to be " mean " and you feel compassion for this man, but you cannot turn the compassion for him into lack of compassion for yourself and your chance of a happier life. You first. " Prima charitas incipit ab ego " - Charity starts from yourself first.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (30 April 2013):
 There has to be a point where you say enough is enough. He will never learn to stand on his own two feet as long as he knows that you will be there to hold him up.
It's well past time for him to get a job, his own place and take care of himself. He should be taking care of you and the kids, but obviously can't and needs to be on his own. No mommy or girlfriend to do everything for him.
Let him go. It's not okay what he is doing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): You've posted several times over the past couple of years and it's always a variation of the same sob story. Your rotten no-good baby daddy is a selfish louse out only for himself, he continued to live with his mother even after you had two kids with him, he finally moved in with you after she died but when he sold her house instead using the proceeds to buy a "family home" as you were expecting he bought a bachelor flat for himself and moved out again, since then he's been using the kids and promise of "being a family" as a carrot under your nose so you'd continue to wait on him hand and foot while he lived the bachelor life.
You always receive the same advice (leave the jerk) but always to no avail as he knows exactly what buttons to push so you always end up "stupidly" taking him back, which leads you to where you are now, bemoaning that you "stupidly" took him back yet again just as you've "stupidly" taken him back so many times before.
"I feel more like a mother than a lover."
That's all you are because that's all he wants you to be.
"I feel bad for asking him to go because I know he has nothing and at some point he must of wanted it to work as he wouldn't of sold his stuff."
He never wanted it to work. He simply sold his stuff so he'd have pocket money while he freeloaded off you. What he wants from you is what he's always wanted from you: for you to wait on him hand and foot just like his mother used to do while he goes out and parties with his friends.
"Should I just pay him to leave"
No point. If you do, then in a few days or weeks or months he'll come crawling back to you as soon as he spends whatever you'll pay him, claiming yet again he wants to be a "family" knowing that word is your Achilles heel and you'll be a sucker and fall for it as you always do.
Very difficult to have sympathy for someone who is so gullible as to keep being fooled by a no-account who simply has to tell you whatever you want to hear in order to get whatever he wants, yet I suspect that you simply lack the insight and intelligence to understand the games he keeps playing with you over and over so you fail the recognize the warning signs that history is about to repeat itself, as it always does.
It would seem that all you want is a normal "family life" that you apparently never had and for which you so desperately long, but you must have never learned what true family life entails because you don't have a clue how to achieve what for you has become an unattainable goal.
I feel sorry for your kids, who are learning from your example that men are expected to be users and women are expected to be doormats. I can only once again recommend counseling, if not for yourself then for your kids' sakes, as he has such a hold over you that you are clearly incapable of breaking the cycle of dysfunction on your own any time soon.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 April 2013):
 You have asked this question before and I remember answering it back then - my advice is still the same. He made money when he sold all of his furniture, it is his own fault for spending the money that he made from the sale of the furniture therefore its not your problem.
You have clearly been unhappy for a long time but no amount of good advice from this site is helping you. You know full well you dont have to pay him to leave, he is a grown man and can look after himself. Simply tell him the relationship is over and ask him to leave - you dont need to give him money, there really is nothing that complicated in this situation.
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female
reader, haribo158 +, writes (30 April 2013):
It sounds as if he is just completely using this relationship for his own personal needs such as housing, companiionship but in fact has absolutely no feelings for you (not to sound harsh), rather that it's all very comfortable for him, the easy solution. You don't deserve to be stuck with that, and assuming he's close to your age range my goodness he is perfectly capable of finding a place of his own and just doing everything for himself, in fact you will in the long run both be far happier that way! He needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling this! You are only treated the way people allow people to treat you!
As for paying him...well that depends on a lot of factors, it may be well worth consulting a solicitor (not as drastic as it sounds actually, just good to know where you stand on who should be paying who what) or the citizens advice bureau?
Either way you need to communicate with him calmy but firmly that this relationship just isn't working.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 April 2013):
 No you should not pay him to leave, you should just ASK him to leave. If he has nothing, no home or money then that is his prblem and it is up to him to sort himself out. Some people are just leeches who expect others to support them.
Is he working and paying towards the bills? Can you cope financially without him? Does he pay child support?
You are 37 now...soon you will be 47 then 57 and the situation will never change unless you make it change.
He is the father to two children, it is his responsibility to support them, but it does not mean he can treat you like crap.
Have a talk to him, away from the kids, lay it all out on tetable and tell him that it's time for him to go because he is making no effort or contribution to the relatonship, therefore he cannot stay...end of!!
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