A
female
age
30-35,
*iala
writes:My boyfriend and I are going on a trip and we'll be staying the night together at a hotel. I thought we would sleep together (for the first time), but he wanted to get a room with two separate beds. This bothered me because why wouldn't he want to sleep with his girlfriend? We've been dating for almost a yr and I know there's no one else he's interested in. I've asked him before if I can sleep over at his place, but he always says that he likes his privacy. This has always bothered me bc why should he be prioritizing his privacy when he has a girl he can sleep with? I confronted him about the hotel thing and I made myself clear that I wasn't intending to have full on sex with him or something. I just wanted to be able to sleep next to him and cuddle. I told him that I understand it would be awkward to sleep with your girlfriend for the first time, but by him refusing to sleep with me tells me that he's not serious about me or he doesn't find me attractive. He replied by saying that the hotel beds are too small and he wouldn't want me all over him bc he wants his privacy. This sounded absurd to me, but I let it go bc we already made reservations for the hotel and I didn't want to ruin the trip. He insisted that I call the hotel back and change the reservation to a one bed, but I didn't want to force him into doing something he didn't feel comfortable doing, so I just dropped it.Is it ok for a guy to act like this? To prioritize his 'privacy' over things like his girlfriend? He tells me that he loves me because I love him and it feels good to be loved my someone. Is that enough??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I don't know, but... I don't think this is such as terrible sign as other posters say.
I mean, if you have agreed not to have sex, and he does not want to go beyond certain limits, then it makes sense he does not want to be tantalized by having you sticking to him like a stamp , and have to stay all night long with a boner .
Or , he may not have intimacy issues , but simply sleeping issues . I understand him, I am like him. I don't have "intimacy issues ", in fact I am very affectionate and I love physical contact , but I am also a poor, light sleeper, and I KNOW that , if I have somebody wrapped around me like an octopus , or tossing and turning in his sleep beside me, I won't sleep a blink. So I think that the solution I AmHereToHElp you mentions is an excellent compromise : you kiss and cuddle and snuggle all you want... then when you are falling asleep , each one in your own bed.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Oh, and this isn't because he's religious and wants to wait with sex until marriage, right? Because if it is, then he's smart to not sleep in the same bed as you because that leads to sex. No matter how much you tell yourself if wont lead to sex, it will lead to sex...
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 April 2013):
I think it's because he's so young. He's probably the same age as the OP, or that's my guess. And at that age some guys really are not there yet. Boys mature later than girls, and he might still be embarrassed about his body. Maybe it's not the norm, but some guys are that way.
I guess we all want to know: what's your boyfriend like when it comes to the rest of your relationship? Does he hug and kiss you? Or is he aloof and not interested in physical contact?
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (30 April 2013):
 Is he an affectionate person when he is with you? Does he hug you? Kiss you? A year together and you two haven't had sex or slept in that same bed?
I'm sensing some co-dependency issues perhaps from him. My bf likes sleeping in my bed with me, but gets much better sleep when he sleeps alone because he isn't hot and I'm not hogging the bed or laying right over top of him.
It could be that he isn't comfortable, could be that he is unsure of himself in sexual orientation, could be that he is just lonely and wants companionship and you just happen to be around.
I can't really evaluate anything without more information. He sounds like he isn't in love you with. It would be different story if he says I love you all the time, or shows a lot of affection or cuddles with you when you aren't in the bedroom. Like on the couch while watching movies and whatever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): I agree with Chi on the love thing, a year and the thought of going to bed with you (just to kiss and cuddle) is still so rotten that he'll pull the "privacy" excuse? That's not love and who the hell needs this kind of privacy after a year?
I'm afraid I do disagree with Chi on his reasons or them being okay. I don't think it's okay at all and I do think you have valid concerns. Maybe if you were only together a month I'd say Chi is right, but after a year and he's not comfortable having an erection around you? That doesn't make sense.
OP this is a weekend get away and he wants to sleep separately? In fact all the times you've offered to stay with him and he's turned you down, after a year? He may well be one of the only guys in the history of mankind to go on a romantic trip and want separate beds.
OP he doesn't want to be intimate with you by the sounds of things and "privacy" is a bullshit reason, it's a cover and you need to get to the bottom of how he feels about intimacy with you and why he is so against it. Ask him what it is he's being so private about.
Now not having sex is fine, you have to both be ready for that and it's not unusual to want to wait. But to reject every chance to spend the night holding the woman you love and maybe having a kiss and heavy petting session, well I'm sorry OP but that's just weird.
You need to get to the bottom of why he wants to keep you at such a distance, maybe he's a kicker in his sleep or cries for his mother or something. But why would he not just say that then?
Let's get one thing straight here OP, it's nothing about privacy he's rejecting you intimately after a year of being together. He better have a far better reason than privacy, because if he wants privacy when it comes to intimacy with you then he's not your boyfriend, he's just a friend.
It's been a yea and regardless of your position on having sex, he should still be grabbing every chance he can get to be close to you physically. I'd literally go insane if I was with a woman a year and she still wouldn't go to bed with me for a cuddle. I'd know for a fact, she doesn't love me romantically, she most likely is not attracted to me or something about me (bad breath etc.) and that would not be enough for me. Intimacy is a need for me OP, I need it to be happy. I'd wait as long as it takes to have sex, that I'd be okay with but being rejected from even sharing the same bed on a weekend away? That would be our last weekend away and our last time being together.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 April 2013):
 It is a little odd that you have been together for nearly a year now and he still doesnt love you yet nor does he want to be remotely intimate with you.
What is he like at home? By that I mean do you cuddle and kiss lots? Is he an affectionate person? Or does he avoid all intimacy and rarely comes near you?
To answer your questions - yes it is ok for a guy to act like this, clearly this is just his personality. Some people like their privacy and dont like to share a bed, and that's not something you can really get upset about. However what is unusual is why he is being like this after being together for a while, its not like you have only been dating for a few months, this is long term and he should want to be getting closer to you. His inability to love you is also worrying, and no it wont be 'enough' in the long run.
I think this boy has some emotional issues surrounding forming attachments, and because he is a private person chances are you are not going to ever get him to open up to you about why he is so emotionally closed off and why he cant let you in emotionally.
I really dont know what the solution is here I'm afraid, it sounds like talking to him about it doesnt work because he is so closed off. Go on the trip, see what happens, and I guess you need to do some thinking - do you want to be with a boy who cannot open up emotionally, someone who doesnt love you as a person and only loves the feeling of being wanted by someone, and do you want to go through life being with someone who is incredibly private and doesnt want to be close to you?
He has some serious issues going on and you are not going to get to the bottom of them, you can try telling him you are on the verge of leaving over his emotional unavailability but if that doesnt work then I dont think there is much else you can do.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 April 2013):
He doesnt love you, at least not yet. You dont lover only because someone loves you and it feels good... Thats just him being comfortable, notfilled with love. As for the bed thing.. Hes probably just embarassed because he will get a hard on when next to you and isnt comfortable about it. Let him be, hes not there yet. He needs more time, and its not about you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013): I started out here thinking that maybe he just doesn't want you to feel like you have to sleep with him but after reading the rest of your post it doesn't sound like this is the case. I can understand how this would hurt your self-esteem or something. It kind of sounds like he's going to put off being close to you for as long as he can.
Is it possible that he is self-conscious of his body and doesn't want you to see him without clothes or something? Perhaps he sweats a lot during the night and he thinks you might be grossed out by that. I think it is not ok for him to act this way with you, but perhaps it has nothing to do with you, maybe he has some issues with himself.
You might just have to insist on sleeping together sometime or he'll probably avoid it for as long as he can. As far as his 'privacy' goes, I think that's a bullshit excuse sorry. If that's all it was, it wouldn't be such a big deal. You're his girlfriend and he should want you in his life as much as he can. He should want to be close to you, and who cares about privacy?
I think that saying he loves you because you love him is a cop out. He should love you because you're an amazing person, not because you give him an ego boost. Personally, I wouldn't settle for that, but it's up to you to decide whether you're happy with it or not.
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