A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I will be as honest as I can, so i can have some honest responses.I need some suggestion from people who are on the same shoes or from anyone.I have been married for 3 years. I am 26 and my wife is 24. In my opinion i think my wife looks 6/10.my wife is 30lb overweight. She is trying to lose wt but not being v successful. I support her everyday but my failure of being attracted to her is causing problems in our relationship. I care about her a lot but I don't think I love her and it's mainly because I don't find her pretty. By not developing feelings, I don't have desires to do her special things to her. like buying flower, romantic dates, surprises. I think I am a romantic person but even when I plan to do something romantic surprises for her, around last minute I just let it go. Now i am not talking about a celebrity pretty, I see normal girls in my college or mall and they look so beautiful and I just look at them and wish I had a wife who looked like that. Of course looks is not the only characteristic that I desire but I think a physical attractiveness is very important.Other than that she's a great wife. She is goal oriented, family oriented, social and shows love and care for me and is respectful. She supports me no matter what and is great at compromising. We connect on every other level. I show respect for her aswell but deep down I feel empty and wish she would look lil more pretty. I am even thinking of a divorce but I can't see her feeling hurt. I am in a catch 22 situation. what should i do?p.s I have never been fortunate enough to date a beautiful girl. I dont know if I am having this problem because I never get to know how is it to have a relationship with pretty girl. I think it always remained as a dream.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 December 2013):
 What would another male perspective do for you OP?
What would a man saying leave her change?
what would a man saying stay with her and make both of you miserable change?
WHY do you think women don't have good advice?
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 December 2013):
 You are asking for male opinions because you are hoping someone shows you that it's OK to divorce your wife...
Why does it have to be a male opinion?
Do you not take women's opinions into consideration?
I already posted before and I think you SHOULD divorce your wife, the reason is neither here or there as to who it will benefit, because you already stepped out of the marriage and cheated.
Stop trying to apply sanctimonious constructs to a problem which is twisted, akward, hurtful and selfish.
You want out of this marriage because it doesn't suit you, then you are going to have to suck up the shit that comes with it. Stop trying to apply perfection and 'total win' outcome to a very imperfect situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionany male reader in similar situation in present or in past? It would help me learn from other at my current situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"It can be a very good partnership and friendship but without attraction it is a shame that you both are forfeiting the highest level of intimacy with another person."------ This is my exact situation and problem . We are best friends but not being able to reach highest level of intimacy.
The mistake was in marrying someone not for who she was but for who you wanted her to become. And then trying to change her. That is a TERRIBLE way to treat someone as it is dishonest and selfish.---- you are 100% correct. I married her thinking she can be the girl I want by losing her weight. Which was wrong to being with. I shouldn't had done that.
"Your first mistake was marrying someone you were not totally OK with and hoping she will change. Your second mistake is in trying to make her change. "---- couldn't have said it better by myself. This is the main problem here.
I would like to hear some Male perspective in this issue. If any Male reader have been or are in similar situtation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. If you simply don't feel attracted to someone then you just don't feel attracted. And without attraction a marriage is sub par. It can be a very good partnership and friendship but without attraction it is a shame that you both are forfeiting the highest level of intimacy with another person.
However you do need to own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for it. The mistake was in marrying someone not for who she was but for who you wanted her to become. And then trying to change her. That is a TERRIBLE way to treat someone as it is dishonest and selfish. Please stop trying to change her now. Just acvept that she is who she is and you dont feel attracted to her so divorce her and let her find a man who will be head over heels for her just as she is.
Your first mistake was marrying someone you were not totally OK with and hoping she will change. Your second mistake is in trying to make her change. Thats unfair. If she wants to exercise and eat healthy for HERSELF that's great but if not, please stop trying to make her change into what you want to compensate for your mistake.
Her feelings will be hurt if you divorce her but she will hurt far more from your attempts to change her due to your inability to accept her the way she is. She will move on and find a new man who will feel attracted to her as she is.
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female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX +, writes (16 December 2013):
 beauty isn't permanent- personality is. even the most beautiful woman in the world in your eyes, will still get wrinkles, saggy skin, grey hair and age. If she has children she'll most likely get stretch marks, saggy breasts and gain a little weight that won't be able to be shifted easily. just something to think about. good luck at the councilling.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 December 2013):
Dear OP,
I find this a very good solution. You are being honest and you both try to fix the relationship; however, you've set up a deadline, which means you won't try to reanimate something forever (by which I mean the love between you two). I wish for the both of you that in those 7 months to come, you will both get the answers you need and that you find the right decision to make.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): From a male perspective I just want to say that if you marry the most attractive woman in the world, after a while you will still desire other women you see around you. This is male nature even in the animals.So you have to be philosophical and accept this fact.We all desire other women other than our wives but we conform to society's laws and norms for many many reasons which were set to regulate and differentiate human society from animal society. your wife's other qualities mentioned in your post far surpasses the beauty issues.As they say beauty is skin deep. life is much more complicated than just looks. But however also you needn't have a miserable life and if the issue is so important to you, then I advice you to separate for a trial period and if your feelings remain the same, divorce and make sure next time before you remarry again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone for taking time for your selfless advices. I did talked with her that I am having some issue with the relationship and she admitted she can tell and she is having some issue too. Ofcourse there is a cause and effect relationship here.
So we decided to go to marriage consueling and see how it goes and give ourself 7 months to fix. She also wants me to be more social with her friends. Which I need to improve.
I am follow your advice and try my best to overcome this feeling. I wanna be in a relationship where I can give 100% back on what they put effort on. I feel like here I am not being able to treat her the way she deserve and it's not i am doing intentionally, or I ignore this issue, it's just the feeling inside me that makes me sad.
Thank you again everyone for valuable advice. I love honest advices like this.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Who cares if she's 'pretty' or not? Everyone has different interpretations on what is 'pretty'. What should matter is if you are attracted to her... and you're not. It's not fair to lead her on, she deserves to be with a man who DOES find her attractive.
And you deserve to be with someone you're attracted to as well. Right now, you are both preventing each other from being completely happy.
To quote Sting... "If you love somebody, set them free"
I think everyone has been pretty hard on you. On the positive, you have been very honest and you've not cheated on her, and a lesser man would. Now be strong, be true to yourself, be true to her, and give both of you another chance.
You'll both find other people you'll be much happier with, much more attracted to, much more in love with.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 December 2013):
You have to leave her. You have no other choice - she will never fit the ideal of what you are looking for and she deserves someone who isn't embarrassed to be seen in public with her. Although I don't quite understand how you managed to stand up in front of all your family and friends and promise to love her forever yet you're ashamed to be seen at the cinema with her?! The best thing you can do for both of you is leave her so you can find someone you are attracted to and she can find someone who loves her as she is. And whatever you do, don't tell her it's because you're not attracted to her. YOU are the one who misled her about your feelings and you shouldn't let your bad judgement affect her self esteem. I know others have said this, but I feel so sorry for your wife. Her whole marriage is based on a lie - what an awful position to be in.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am a loser here. She did looked like this before we got married but then I though it will change over time but I guess it doesn't work like that.
I think the title for my question is wrong. It should be I am not able to have a deep feelings for my wife coz I don't find her attractive. I do want to be with her. SInce is 10/10 when it comes for emotional side. Just like someone said earlier, attraction is extremely important, I think this is the initial thing how most relationship starts. In my case I made a mistake thinking this will change over time and now iam at a situation where I wanna be with my wife but at the same time I don't think it's fair for her since I can;t return the way she treats me. I wanna treat her and feel the same she feels for me. Which will be the only way to make a relationship last.
Also I am not looking for a 10/10 supermodel. She can be 5/10 but I am attracted with her at some level. With my wife I am just not able to develop feeling. I just don't know why and I hate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): You realise you made a stupid decision marrying someone you were not sure about.
I'm sure it's your loss not hers.
I would suggest you divorce because you are not committed to being there for her for better or for worse.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2013):
I feel bad for both of you.
You because you married a woman you did not love pretending to love her and want her and now the fakery has not worked enough so you want out.
HER because she in good faith thought she was loved adored and wanted. She is not. She's married to a phony and a fraud.
I agree with the idea that you should come clean and leave her so that at 24 she will be able to find a good true man who will love her for herself where she is and help her grow and raise a beautiful family.
I also think once the divorce is started you should go to counseling to learn to accept that the grass is always going to be greener on the other side and you may wander this earth alone for the next 60 years looking for that perfect ten...
cue Bolero and Bo Derek.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 December 2013):
'I know this is a messed up situation. I don't know how future will go. But how can I make anyone feel happy when I don't feel happy'
You need to let her go. Your priorities are abnormal and you know it. You also know you will never be happy with her.
I am not going to repeat all the sentiments of the other aunts that your wife deserved better...you already know it and to the aunt who suggested you get a gastric band for your wife!!!...no no no no no!!...wrong suggestion.
This is clearly a good supportive woman who knows how to act appropriately within a relationship and wants to be accepted for who she is and love her partner without prejudice (like we all do)
It is YOU that has the problem, the crooked thinking, the misguided opinion and you are obviously willing to end your relationship to get what you want...because only you matter...so DO IT, let her go and go find a prettier girl.
Maybe you will find someone the same who is making looks the ultimate goal. I am sure you can find that because there are plenty of women out there who only care about looks too.
Not being mean...being real and truthful, so good luck.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (15 December 2013):
Was she not overwight and "ugly" when you met her? But you still went ahead to marry her. Why was that?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
 You said this:
"p.s I have never been fortunate enough to date a beautiful girl. I dont know if I am having this problem because I never get to know how is it to have a relationship with pretty girl. I think it always remained as a dream."
So, instead of working to improve yourself and face your inferiority issues, you would hurt this wonderful woman - who at 30lbs overweight could get a guy who would melt with desire for her as she is? You don't know what you have if you have a kindhearted woman who treats you well.
You should leave her - at 24, she still has youth and beauty that she won't waste on someone who doesn't love her, is obsessed with his own failings at striking out with women, and is only using her as a warm body and a desperate attempt at not being alone. Don't hang onto her or have kids with her or allow her to go through life not having a guy who loves her, desires her, and can look in her eyes and see a "10" because their souls are connected.
That's the problem, isn't it? You're so busy thinking "I'm not good enough" so you have to prove to yourself that you can bag some sort of trophy to show off. 20 years later, you'll be older, maybe balder, paunchier, a little more mileage, so will you dump your next wife in a bid to go for some younger model so that you can assuage your ego and pretend to look younger? When do looks finally take the perspective they should??
I'd be more sympathetic if she wasn't this way when you married her, but she was. You chose to profess your love, an emotion not originated inside your penis, and now criticize her because she's not someone else.
When you gain that extra 30 pounds, or when you fail to have abs like in 300, how do you want to be treated by someone you love?
Your issues are within you. If you keep trying to salve them by pushing them on someone else (i.e. your wife), you will end up alone. A trophy woman is just a trophy. Men who have issues leave trophie women too. I won't jump on the "she must be high maintenance" bandwagon, because that's not fair to women who are beautiful, and not all of them are that way. However, one who *is* beautiful will spot you for who you are in a hot minute. Women tend to have more choices than men.
Your wife will be hurt by you, but she will recover. Other men will want her, and I mean *want* her, pounds and all. She needs to love herself for who she is now, or she'll never focus on her own wellness.
I think, in the end, she's going to be much better off than you will, because no trophies will ever be enough for you. No amount of beautiful women will satisfy you because there will always be a hole right in your heart and ego.
You will be 60 years old. 70, 80, 90. Unless you are Donald Trump or Hugh Hefner, you will not keep snagging trophies, and you will fail in all of your relationships because you will always think that you're not good enough. And your wife will grow old with someone who doesn't see wrinkles, and will see only her. That's real love, not settling for someone because they have self-worth issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): I also have the right to say my opinion.
again I am just disappointed, I never said anything about what kind of person you are.
your dilemma speaks for you.
as much as possible, I do want a happy ending for you and your wife. I guess, you really don't deserve her.
Other aunts from here, was right for saying the least you can do is set her free.
I'm sure she can find someone who will love her
unconditionally. Well, good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Excuse me , OP, but... how do YOU look ? How much would you be rated on a scale of 1 to 10 ?...
I am not trying to be mean here, just thinking that, if you never have succeeded in getting yourself a pretty lady, well maybe you aren't Brad Pitt yourself and they are just out of your league. Birds of a feather flock together- we often hear , and say, oh what a good looking COUPLE ! Very attractive girls have lots of suitors to choose from, and while , if they are also intelligent !, between a plain looking nice guy and a good looking bad guy they will choose the first,...between two ( or more ) equally morally decent guys, they'll go for the better looking one . Probably you are not the only one who values good looks...
What I mean is, suppose you ditch your wife- it's not as if
you are sure that you've going to get yourself the dream girl you never got before. Maybe you could- or maybe not. I don't know if you should lose such a good wife on such a risky gamble.
Note that in my posts I always remark on the importance of mutual physical attraction in a relationship, and you seem to prove me right. Marrying someone whom you are not attracted to ALSO physically is a big lamentable mistake , as you are seeing. But, in your case , is it really THAT bad... ? You seem to be happy with everything in your wife but looks , and she seems a rather exceptional kind of woman ( including the patience and humility to put up with a husband who lets her know that he considers her ugly and " inadequate " , and drools over every stranger he comes across. ). You rate her 6 out of 10, so she is already above average. Let her lose the 15 pounds ( give her time , don't push her for speedy results : very rapid weight loss causes stratch marks and sagging ) - and then she may get to be a 7 , 7 and a half,plus being the nice girl that she is.
Would that make you content- or are you aiming for a perfect 10 ?...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou guys are all correct and these are all rational suggestions. Yes we do workout together, Honestly I have made a pretty good workout plan for us. I help her by making her lunches, dinner, we also eat 80 % healthy. We go for walk to park with dog, we go to dates, movies, dinners, everything a normal couple does. From outside we are probably the best couple and we are, we both are career oriented and we do work hard in colleges and other aspects of life.We both are educated persons aswell finishing our graduate studies. You guys are telling me to do something I am not being able to do for last few years. It's like telling a person who is depressed, Just be happy. Well sometimes it's not that easy.It's correct there is no gurantee that I will find someone who I truly want or be beautiful inside and outside. But it's a chance you take for your ultimate happiness. I am trying to focus on her inner beauty and not try to focus on her outside, but it doesn't work like that for more than 2 days and then I go back feeling unhappy and when I go with her to mall/movies I feel little embrassed to be seen with her. Trust me no one feels more worse than I do. It's not fair to her and I truely want to overcome this but not being able to . If i wanted to end the relationship then I would not be here pouring my heart out. Utilmately ofcourse people do what they want. But this is my story. I know she deserves better but she will not just accept to be out of the relationship. Also I don't want her self confidence to be hurt with statement like this. I know this is a messed up situation. I don't know how future will go. But how can I make anyone feel happy when I don't feel happy. sorry for the long posts
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A
male
reader, anonymus2012  +, writes (15 December 2013):
Omg brother, your post seriously made me feel a little uncomfortable. You should feel lucky and thankful for the wonderful woman you have as a wife. You have no idea of the number of guys out there wishing to have what you 've got. However I'm gonna give you my point of view. You have a wonderful woman, set goals with her, work with her, hit the gym, have a better diet, show her your support. If that doesn't work consider a gastric by pass as an option. But don't be shallow. You have a wife man, remember, together in good times and bad times. Nothing warranties you will find a hottie after your wife. Karma will get you.
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female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (15 December 2013):
Dear OP,
Do you want to grow old with this woman? Do you feel you can work on this issue? Or was the whole marriage just a big mistake that you made in your youth?
In my opinion, it's better quitting marriage now or trying to fix it one last time, with all your effort. Your wife deserves someone who LOVES her like she is. And if you can't be that person, you don't really do her a favour by dragging on this unhappy marriage and not giving her any of those things she needs. You'll both become bitter and unhappy in the process.
I also don't think it's fair to hurt your wife. But if you tell her the truth, at least you are honest and you take responsibility. If you stay silent, but keep on being a lazy and unengaged husband, you're also hurting her, but on many more subtle levels. She probably already feels how unsatisfied you are, so you are not exactly protecting her from the truth. You are just protecting yourself from making a very difficult decision.
I don't want to tell you what to do, just that it's YOU who has to decide. And you can't escape. You need to figure out for yourself if you can take this or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): Ok so aside from weight, how did she look when u first met her? If she used to do herself up all the time and now doesn't bother, perhaps she feels a little uninspired, in a bit of a rut herself. Par of the reason for this sometimes is because they feel they hav no reason to. Do you still take her on dates? Do you try and make her feel beautiful? Or do you see her as just a wife, rather than as a woman? Often women feel mor inspired to look good when they have a partner that makes them feel like they're worth it. Another very possible explanation is that since she's so unhappy with her weight, she's lost all confidence, figures she looks like s*** anyway so why bother at all? You can help i that's the case, by again making her feel a bit more beautiful.
As for diets, how are you supporting her? Are you overweight too? Do you ever exercise together, even just walks? Do you give any input as to what you guys eat together at home? If the answer is no then perhaps you should try too, it's hard to lose weight when the other partner is comfortable lazing on the couch eating fatty or high calorie foods all the time.
You say you dream about dating someone prettier, but you know what the say, the grass is always greener on the other side, and it's so true.
I do think there's steps you can take to improve the situation.
The only thing I find worrying is that you're married! Even if you didn't take traditional westen marriage vows, ie. in sickness,health, better, worse, richer poorer etc., the basic idea of marriage is to stay together even when the going does get a bit rough, you need to work together to improve it not just give up after 30lb! Sure, appearance IS important, but remember when women have a child then naturally put on a lot of weight, there's no way to control that no matter how you eat, then cos they piled it on so suddenly it's very hard to lose it again, especially when you're busy with a baby. When women age they're metabolisms slow, they lose muscle tonage, the get wrinkles. Or sadly some people lose all their hair thru treatment for cancer. In all of these circumstances, ask yourself HONESTLY, would you still love her? Would you stick around? If the answer deep down is no, or anything close to that, perhaps you need to reconsider this marriage, for her good as much as anything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): First of all, your wife is beautiful. Second of all, if you've never dated a pretty girl before, what makes you think you'll get one after you divorce her? You should realize what you have in a wife and focus on saving your marriage instead of letting it go to hell for such a ridiculous reason. She's overweight? Go to the gym with her and learn to support her the same way that she supports you. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. You are right , I wasn't forced to marry. But you know there are things in life people do with choice but it doesn't turn the way we want. I was aware of the unattractive issue before I got married but I thought with time this will change since she's a nice person. Hindsight is 20/20. Well her nice behavior has brought me together and I care deeply about her. I have mentioned her about few issue ver gently so she wont get hurt and we workout together, etc. I try not to say anything that will hurt her self steem. But she is aware of this situation.I know this is not fair and I feel very guilty about this feeling. But this feeling is Natural. As you all know we have less control over feelings. I do try to look over and compensate with beauty with her behavior and it does work for a limited amount of time and then Boom...I feel unattracted to her again and I don't this it's fair for her either. You are correct about dating a pretty women is not easy. That's another thing I think and try to be happy in this relationship. Just bcoz someone is pretty doesn't mean they will cheat or vice vera, I think it's more about person in that issue than looks. I am sure there are lot of beautiful women with nice behavior and are family oriented, etc. About high maintenance , if it's a relationship with mutual respect than I believe it's done with love and needs. Unless we are talking about gold diggers than yes they can be very pricy. I think there is a amount of maintenance with every real relationship.Again guys you don't need to tell me what kind of person I am. I am aware of everything. You think I am writing this of happiness and I found out the real reason why I am not happy in my relationship? The reason I wrote I will be as honest as I can is I wanna speak my heart out. I don't wanna say this things to my wife or my friends. I dont want to disrespect anyone. It's just my feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): Hi there!
I am so disappointed to hear this from a married man like you.
I'm sorry but your so unfair.
Your wife seems like a dream come true, a great wife, family oriented, social and shows love and care for you. how could you think of leaving her just cause she's over weight?
Dating a pretty woman is not easy. its just like my code name here. ITS High maintenance. You don't know what your wishing for.
Plus they might not be loyal to you. If I were you, go to the gym with your wife ask professional help, so she can lose those extra pounds.
She's perfect don't ask for more. help her and be there for her.
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