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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I get over sex and men? I hate my body it's so disgusting. I'm a bit fat but working on it, although I'm not overweight, but almost. The problem is I have a disproportioned body, I have big hips, big butt with cellulite and thighs with cellulite and almost NO boobs. Men don't like this, and seeing plastic Barbie after plastic Barbie in the media and how men drool over them doesn't help.I have had many heart to heart talks with guys and they have ALL admitted that when they say that they prefer small boobs or that size doesn't matter they're actually lying. That yes big is better, that small is not BAD, but that big IS better and makes sex better. And that they DO notice cellulite and most find it gross.I see my body and all I see is that if guys want to have sex with me, it'll be because it's all they could get at that time. And if they fall in love with me, I don't want them to JUST like my personality, that makes me feel ugly. My ex was like that. He loved my personality and still isn't over me, but he was always commenting how other "perfect" women were hot even adding them on Facebook (girls from my uni who I see daily ugh), and that he loved me for other reasons and he loved me and just me, but that there were many hot girls, hotter even and that he was a guy and couldn't help it.I don't care how much a guy loves me, such things hurt! So I'm giving up on relationships, but I don't know how to completely eliminate my want for relationships/sex/men and I want help with that. Please none of that "love yourself and accept men are visual" crap, sorry but I've been years trying to do that but it's impossible. I'm not what society considers hot. I wish I was less stupid and stopped caring if men think I'm hot or not, but I guess I can't help it. How can I get over sex, men and relationships? Please, this is getting to me so much, I'm getting depressed. Today I ran into one of the girls my ex added to Facebook while we were together (without knowing her, they're not friends) and it completely ruined my day 'cause I can't help comparing myself to them! And I lack so much, I'm not as beautiful as she is :(
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female
reader, shna  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 hey, you seem very upset so i thought id give it a go and have a pop at helping you ! Basically right the whole barbie thing get it UT OF YOUR HEAD . . sure those girls are gorgeous theres no denying it as much as we all envy them but in the end its usually all they have, blonde bimbo sterotypical dumb ! guess what they usually have no personality either ! oh and heres another fact, they might be pretty now but go on have another guess . . theyre looks are going to fade == and when they start realising that . . they turn to plastic surgens . which ='s plastic all over ! (i hope that little rant would make you happier) look theres nothing sexier then self confidence . . im telling you now , iv never asked one of my guy mates in a conversation about confidence but believe me its plainly obvious, a girl who can walk confidently with her head held high up there street is sombody worth looking at ! and to be honest looks are great and everything but its the personality you have to put up with at the end of the day ! im a very confident girl and i have no problem saying it and to be honest i HATE men all over me ! like if im out in a club at night men will try to dance on me or try to kiss me even touching me and i get annoyed i can usually end up very peeed off at the end of the night and im single and i really cant stand it .saying that aswell im not even girly, i cant remember the last time i wore a dress or even did loads of crazy make up . i can go out with the bare essentials of cosmetics on (an a good bit of fake-tan) in a pair of jeans an trainers and boys still wont feck off ! and i believe its because of my personality and my confidence and im so happy with that i would rather sombdy love or respect me for who i am cos at the end of the day who is going to give you respect for what you look like. my advice would really be to have yourself a little make up have a night in with a face mask an a few other bits, hit the gym dye your hair any thing thats going to make you feel better about yourself, i dont think its the men etc that you want to get away from i jus think your sick of the person you are and you want a change and theres no time like the present THATS IF YOU REALLY WANT IT !give it time and youll find happiness (i hope that wasnt a load of jibber )
A
female
reader, monkey friend  +, writes (7 October 2010):
Your thinking wrong.First, you need to find a man who you love very very much and he the same for you. Personality comes first, not physical beauty. There once was a poll out that asked men if cellulite bothered them; despite what you think, most of them replied that it didn't bother them. (And LOTS of people have cellulite; and don't feel bad about it because it's not something that can be changed.) Also, guys are sexual creatures right? When a guy and a girl gets sexual together the guy cares less about "Oh, she has cellulite!" but rather they are thinking "Hey, this girl is letting me touch her!" Also, some guys like big butts and big hips. (The hips show them, hey, she could have my child!)I have a big butt, I have big hips, my thighs and calves are much bigger than I wish for them to be, my chest is of average size and I could care less about what one guy thought of my looks. If a guy can't completely accept me and every flaw (and he has plenty himself, trust me),then he's not good enough to be with me and I will go on to find some guy who is willing to accept the whole me.Also, not every guy wants a Barbie. Too thin will gross many people out. I have brothers and when I am with them when they watch movies, they are poiting the females out. By that I mean they say thinkgs like "She's ugly because she's soo thin.) ((They've said this about some women who I thought were bigger than stick figures, so I was surprised.))Also, men tend to go a lot on what there friends would think. A guy might like a girl (say, she's much overweight) but he won't go out with her because his friends won't approve. Understand what I'm saying? And don't feel too bad about the but because in August I came across this woman with what I classify as the worlds hugest but ever, and I literally mean that. Her but grossed me out. But, guess what? She's married! Some guy accepted her for her HUGE butt. At least I can tell you that there is no way your butt was as big as hers; but despite that it won't stop love from finding you.But be warned, guys generally don't like it when a girl lacks self-esteem. It can kill any relationship, even one where sex isn't involved.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 You've posted a few times about this issue, so it must be something really bothering you a lot.
Unluckily,change starts from within rather than from your thighs, and dysfunctional emotions come from dysfunctional thoughts, so personally I feel that unless you become available to try a little harder changing your thoughts about yourself, there is no much we can advise . Unless perhaps being really drastic, and in two opposite directions :
- be prepared to fork out a huge amount of cash. Hire one of those fancy image consultants for a professional assessment of what it takes to give you a total makeover. Why not ? They were able to make Tori Spelling look good!, why not you ? They have digital imaging machines, they'll even show you what you'll look like after you have done A,B and C. Of course probably doing A,B, and C may be really expensive , and you'll really have to empty the piggy bank for that , but hey, if this body thing is really so gnawing at you, it may be worth it.
- consult a totally different kind of professional. See a shrink. I do not say that to be rude or witty, I really think it may be helpful. Have you ever considered that perhaps you could be affected by Body Dismorphic Disorder ?
In other words, maybe your boobs are not really so tiny, and your thighs not really so huge, and not all men so turned off by you- it's just the way you perceive yourself that's all messed up ? It's a possibility worth exploring,
your ruminations about your looks do sound a bit obsessive , and undeniably they are interfering with the quality of your life. Asking a medical specialist's opinion cannot hurt.
Unless you want to follow Dirtball's advice and become a nun- but that's perhaps a bit too drastic:)
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Well, it seems like you've already got your mind made up here but I'm going to give it a shot. Just try and listen if you can. Real men don't say the things you are hearing. Respectable men don't say the thing you are hearing. Every woman is different, just like every man is different. Different sizes, shapes, colors, etc. Yes, society is shown by media that "barbies" are what men want, but as a man I can tell you that is not true. The percentage of the overall population of women who are those "barbies" is so small it's unbelievable. That's not what men want.
Here is the biggest thing that effects men, which may be a secret to many women. SELF CONFIDENCE. Lack of self confidence is a major turn off. Not just in the short term, but the long term. How can a man put his whole heart into loving someone who doesn't love herself? Now don't get me wrong, this isn't just limited to women.... the same goes for men with low self confidence. And it's a turn off for women too. It's very hard to make you understand, I'm not saying you have to pretend you are a Victoria's Secret super model. That's the first thing women try to say when you bring up lack of self confidence. It's not about thinking you are as beautiful as you THINK men want you to be, it's about being confident in your looks and understanding you deserve a man who loves you for you and that you don't need to look any different than you do now. Think about it, there are millions of women in the same boat as you, they don't all lack the confidence in their looks.
I know you think this is just another "pep-talk" but it's not. The whole self confidence thing, or lack there of in this instance, effects you more than you realize. Too many times woman with low self confidence will settle for a man just because they think no one better will come along. The problem is you settle for jerks, men who make women feel bad about themselves. NOBODY who truly loves you would say something like "I love your personality, just not your looks." That's crap. Somebody who loves you, I mean REALLY loves you will do everything and anything they can to make you happy.
Telling an extremely overweight woman to convince herself she's just as pretty as a model is not what I'm saying here. I'm not trying to make you believe something that isn't true. Just don't ever feel like you don't deserve to be treated right and loved. Because you do. Be confident in yourself and don't settle for losers.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (7 October 2010):
 You want to get rid of cellulite and feel better about your body?
LIFT. WEIGHTS. AND. HIIT.
Forget the treadmill and 2-lb weights; you need to push yourself. Barbell squats, weighted lunges, knee tucks, squat jumps, split jumps, clap push-ups, burpees, etc. Plyometrics and interval sprints. Look up HIIT. If you don't like running outside, invest in a skip rope. Eat more protein and never starve yourself.
Believe me, you have no excuses when it comes to your body and I do not feel sorry for you. It's tough love. Some girls can have a beautiful figure without doing anything, but that's the luck of the draw; many of us have to work at it. You have to work with what you got or suffer the consequences. I know most people here will try to convince you to accept yourself. I'm all for self-acceptance... to a point. But if it's something I have control over and it's hurting my self-esteem, no, I won't accept it. Cellulite and a fatty body are things you do not have to accept. I GUARANTEE you, if you begin doing 20-30 minutes of intense strength training and/or interval training (switch days) for 4-5 days a week, by the end of a couple of weeks you will already see a drastic reduction in your cellulite and a huge boost in self-confidence. Please, I don't mean to offend you, but I remember what it was like to be insecure and chubby with cellulite, and this is the way to overcome it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I think you are being hard on yourself. Why the hell should some random strangers opinion effect you and your life at all? We all have flaws we aren’t so comfortable with, the thing is not to let others effect the way we feel about ourselves. It’s called self-respect. And don’t compare yourself to other people that’s absurd – you weren’t born to look or act like someone else. You are you. Unique in the world.
My girlfriend is bigger and taller than me, and her thighs are huge, but I fucking love every inch of her. I wouldn’t (past-tense) have called her my idealistic women (damn you social media), but that’s what I’ve come to love about her and realize – beauty is only skin deep. If some guy you like doesn’t like you because of your size then that’s a pretty solid tell-tale sign that he’s a dickhead. Compared to Barbie, you have it good and no one knows it.
I’ve seen girls with cellulite before, kind of looks like dimples huh. I don’t know what this means to women but to me personally, I haven’t a damn clue what it is? But I can see where you might be coming from.
Good, I think you should give up on relationships (in a good way) because the way you are thinking about them is not healthy and won’t be in your future.
I don’t know what makes people click, but I have realized that it only ever happens when a person is happy with who they are and where they’re at at the time.
So don’t sweat the small stuff. And you’re taste in guys suck - Giving us all a bad name they are.
Be well :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): First, watch shallow hal. Thats a great film. I remixed the song played in the club btw by phoenix...
anyway, my confidence is shot too and with looks. 'Cept im convinced women hate my personality so im changing my body not just for them but for myself as well. I'll admit this.
Lots of men are superficial. Im not as I was raised by a single mom and if she thought Id do such a thing...Id be buried in the atlantic covered in plankton with sharks passing me by ripping off whats left of the hair on my chest.
Men do need to be physically attracted but I believe mental attraction correlates with physical. For ex, I normally cant have sex with a woman regardless of what she looks like and Ive been put to the test on this many times unless Im somewhat emotionally attached to her head. The fact you offer personality is a HUGE plus.
Forget men for now and relationships. You need to build up your confidence somehow and focus on you, yourself. Dont do stuff to please other people, it will let u down and u seem like a smart woman. If youre conscious about ur looks, make time for a gym and start eating better. When youre depressed, you tend to eat more comfort food. Dont fall into that trap. Every time I workout I finish feeling refreshed and new mentally not cause I scare the shit out of men after lifting 350 off the bench but because I went in there and said "F*** you society, this is what youve done to me, and now Im gonna turn into a confident monster". Diet n exercise is always healthy and I will advise that.
Ill also advise to stop watching media stuff or reading magazines or tyra or even dr phil. Be your ownself. Barbies are indeed plastic and often times barbie women are empty headed and dont know their plastic nipples from my H2Oooh bottle cap sitting right next to me. Ignore them as they will bring u no good. Youre way above them and always will be.
I hope some of this has helped. If not, please feel free to message me. All the best to you miss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): The right guys are out there...you are just closing yourself off to them, in fact, ALL men. So how is this going to help your problem...it won't. I prefer small boobs and a bit of a plump ass...many men do...generally, men who like asses. I've been with big breasts and tiny ones...sex is NOT better with either. Bigger breasts have a horny factor to me, but tiny ones make the sex more athletic and fun too. It's like saying only big penises can pleasure a woman. There's pros and cons with small or large. These "heart to hearts" you're having are with one sided minded guys...not representative of all guys.
Your ex was a dick to taunt you with what he thought was hotter. Some guys are drawn to pinup girls and wont date anything that doesn't look like a centerfold. I would take average over airbrushed any day. What sells it for me is confidence and sexuality. You need to find a guy who looks at you for these traits and not just boobs or a perfect bod.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Well, you could try switching sides as it were. Yes, lots of guys are pigs and just as you describe. All of us do have things we like and dislike and often we will get with a girl with "flaws." The thing is, everyone has flaws. I sure as hell do. I could go into them, but that's beyond the point here.
The sad thing is that you've made up your mind about what you do and don't want to hear. I will say that your ex was a jerk. What he did contributed to your current feelings. Comparing your partner to others is something you should never do, especially to their face! I hope you pointed out his flaws right back to him.
So, now you want to get over it all. There are a couple of ways you can do that. You can dive into a hobby or passion. You can focus on school or go back for advanced degrees. You can become a lesbian. Devote yourself to something. Become a nun.
Really the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop comparing yourself to others. I know, damn near impossible. I do it too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): Oh my God girl! I know how you feel my hips are 14 inches bigger than my waist and Im only a B cup and you know what! - I dont care! stop fawning over all these other "ideal" girls!..Ive accepted the fact that at aged 16 this is what my body shape is supposed to be! at one stage I was so obsessed with the hip to waist ratio crap and counting calories I discovered that is was more "waste" of my time! start loving yourself for who YOU are! not who you WANT to be!
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