A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've got a bit of a dilemma and would really like some advice.I've fallen in love with a man who is already in a relationship with another woman. He said he loves me too, but the only problem is, is that he lives in Wales, and I live in England.We've met quite a few times, and we've slept together a couple of times too.It felt so right, and I just want to be with him all time.I really don't know what to do, I'm too scared to talk to him about it. I just can't get him out of my head, everything reminds me of him and it's killing me.I'm not usually one to break up families, but I can't help the way I feel about him.He has a 2 month old baby with his girlfriend, and he said he's not happy with her, as they don't get on any more, and she doesn't seem very interested in him.I'm a bit confused and really don't know what to do. Should I follow my heart and fight for him, or let him go?Letting him go would probably be the hardest thing ever right now. I have two children by my ex partner who isn't on the scene any more.The guy I'm kind of seeing, (well having an affair with to put it quite bluntly) wants me to move to Wales, and I'd love to, but I'm worried of everything breaking down if I was to. I can't take any more, it really hurts.Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.
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female
reader, blueskyday  +, writes (24 June 2011):
if he "loved" you. (Which he probably doesn't) he would have broken up with his girlfriend and he obviously still loves her because "He loves me TOO" so he's not going to leave her, the advice on her is amazing i advise you do take it. Don't let a kid grow up with weekly seeing her/his father, when she/he says his first word the father probably won't be there. and i think he's happy with her not telling you the full story, it wouldn't take you to show him to leave if it did he woulda bein gone! please please leave this man alone no question explain to him you just don't want to break up his family or something like that and if for some reason he says you won't, he's just interested in the sex because he's obviously not in to you to take it slow and not JUST have sex i think your hooked on the sex too maybe it's over powering your emotions. anyways i hope you do the right thing and not pursue this and make a child's life complicated
A
female
reader, blueskyday +, writes (24 June 2011):
reconsider your title your breaking up a family! the kids wouldn't get to have a meal with BOTH there parents, find a nother guy! there are millions of non-married men!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I was seeing a married man. He said he had a child but his marriage was loveless and pretty much over. For about 8 months I was getting deeper and deeper in love. I was putting this guy before friends, my job, my security. I carried on - it was like a drug. One day he came over to my house sat down and told me his wife was pregnant (their second child). I was sickened to the core. Hysterical to be precise. I'm an intelligent woman, qualified in my profession, smartly dressed, healthy and have been brought up by loving parents. You see love is most definitely blind - and the other person knows that. This guy had lied to me for several months - his wife was about to have the baby (3 weeks time from when he told me). All the times he told me he hated her, never slept with her. That was not true and the evidence could not be hidden. To say I was humiliated - well you can imagine. I was bitter. It made me ill. I lost weight and could not work. If this guy wants YOU he would move to be with YOU. Why should you give up everything you know to be with him? He is not available. How can you ever feel good about something that is build on deceit? Trust me it never feels wholesome. Things are not always what they seem so my advice is to get out of this relationship while you have the mindset to see things clearly.
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female
reader, Charl.bri +, writes (23 June 2011):
you feel lonely, confused and sad when hes not around? think about how his girlfriend and baby would feel if he left them?..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): It is easy to get distracted by sex and the early stages of a relationship can blind us to the truth.
This man is with another woman. What about her feelings? And her child's future? And your children?
You could be the one he is cheating on next.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Hello,
I just read Wheeler's advice. What an amazing insight and very heart wrenching.
Well OP, all I can do is advise against this. He has his child and girlfriend and is miles away from you. In affairs, they really do tell you all you need or want to hear. So convincing and still believable even when you have found out it is not true. I fear you will waste your time here. Try to look at local guys that are single. Stand up and go for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Is this the guy you want to be with?The kind of guy who "has a 2 month old baby with his girlfriend, and he said he's not happy with her, as they don't get on any more" cheats when his partner is dealing with the stress of taking care of a newborn.To put it bluntly, you aren't that special that he won't do it to you."she doesn't seem very interested in him"You won't be either once he's putting his energy into a relationship with another woman instead of you.
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male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (23 June 2011):
 You do see the irony in the question you posted? :-)There is a pattern here, perhaps. And the only reason I bring it up is because that reveals a lot about the kind of guys you are attracted to. Would it be fair to say that you find yourself attracted to unavailable men?There is a reason for this!What is the one major piece that is always missing when you are involved with someone who is in a marriage or relationship? (Hint: it has a lot to do with why you go to bed alone most of the time.)Commitment! In fact, commitment is one thing you are guaranteed not to have asked of you. And the hope is that when things are right, and when you are ready, you can ask that of the other person. But isn't that also kindof the elephant in the room? It is assumed that person will eventually end their relationship, right? But at the same time you can't really ever demand that. And as long as that person is in a relationship any question about their level of commitment is kindof pointless. It's like the difference between renting a house and owning it, you won't get kicked out of a home you own.Now, regarding the guy. Everything you know about his girlfriend comes from him, right? I can tell you with complete confidence that in these situations the person in a relationship will ALWAYS tell the third party that they are not happy, that they are no longer intimate, that the love has left the relationship. There is no alternative. They could not tell you they are happy and content because they would no longer get what they get from you. That is just the brutal truth. I have either personally gone through or directly seen this same story line so many times.There is no way around the fact that you really have no idea what their relationship is like. What you do know is that he goes home, and goes to bed, with that person every night. And because you live so far away, if he thought it was necessary he could tell you they even separated, or anything else for that matter. One thing you will have to tattoo on your hand, write in lipstick on your bathroom mirror, and spell out in letters on your refrigerator is that he must be extremely adept at hiding the truth and telling a lie. This could not be a good sign for the future.Do you know how many relationships that started with cheating last? Less than 5%. Out of that 5% that last and result in marriage, 75% end in divorce. Now, I am not one to put much stock in relationship statistics, but those are pretty damn bad numbers. And the reason is that it is hard enough to establish a strong and long-lasting relationship (much less marriage) when you are being completely honest and committed. How happy can you be knowing that he can't even be honest with you about being sexually monogamous? That has to absolutely eat you up if you really think about it.I had a girlfriend that didn't tell me for a month that she still shared a loft with her ex-boyfriend. She didn't tell me because she didn't want to "lose" me. When I found out, she promised me that they were never intimate. That they actually couldn't stand each other. I very politely ended things with her (we had not been dating for long), and we became friends. About a year later, she had long before gotten her own place, she and I rekindled things. And she admitted that even though her description of the living situation when we first met was the truth most of the time, there were other times where she returned to what was comfortable and familiar. And those times were often blamed on a little too much wine. Needless to say I realized she was not trustworthy.I went through it several times with a girlfriend I dated for four years. Amazingly, I was on all three sides at one point or the other, and dealt with exactly what you are going through! I was the guy interested in a girl who was in a serious relationship. It didn't keep her from wanting to be with me. Then he went to prison, for several years. She and I started dating, and after about a year I found out that she was telling him they were still together, no mention of me. She was visiting him in prison, taking him care packages. I had become the guy in the relationship whose girl was involved with someone else.I was devastated when I found out. And just so you understand where I am coming from let me tell you this wonderful story from sometime back in 2001:She and I were happily dating, both ecstatic about being together. Her trashy ex was in prison, we were in college together. We were neighbors. We didn't like the same kind of music, she was more into booty music than me. But something caught my eye. It was just a little unexplained and weird feeling I would get whenever this certain thing happened. Whenever we would be listening to the radio (usually in the car, or maybe at a restaurant) and "Meet Virginia" would come on, she would get so into it. And I mean stop what you are doing, close your eyes, and sing along. I just couldn't quite figure out what her emotion was, or why she had a certain expression on her face.One day she had an appointment with her psychiatrist, and she forgot something and called me and asked me to check her room for it. I think it was a form she had filled out or something, not sure. So, I go next door (we had apartments side by side) explain to her roommates and go to her room. I am on the phone with her the whole time. I glance around the room and don't see what she is asking about, and she says to check under her bed right next to her nightstand. Long story short, right next to it was a shoebox with its contents spilling out. I pulled it out without even really thinking about it, as I was describing what I was seeing. The shoebox was Pandora's Box, otherwise known as the Ex-Files (as I would call them). It was filled with letters and pictures. And although I knew I would regret it, and I don't think it was the right thing to do, I unfolded one. Stuck between the, "I can't wait to be back in your arms", and, "I love you so much", was the following sentence, which I am paraphrasing: "We have to name our daughter Virginia, because I remember that song Meet Virginia was playing when we met." And there was something about that being "their song".When I found out she was telling him they were still together, and that he had no idea who I was, I broke up with her. I knew that she was not over him, even if part of her loved me. And until her heart had moved on from him I would always be second place. I moved to the coast, an hour away. Got a new job and a new circle of friends. And was very happy. But less than a year later she moved down as well, and asked for another chance. That she was done with her ex. So I tried again, and she moved in with me.Two years later, I met someone else. I had the most intense feelings for her. My actual girlfriend was struggling with bipolar disorder, so things were extremely chaotic. At times she would become violent. In the end, as our relationship began to crumble again, I became involved with the other woman. Now, I was the one in a relationship, but involved with someone else!Not long after, when her suspicions about this other girl were confirmed, she told me she had still been involved with her ex, who had actually gotten out of prison early. She said this to hurt me of course, but it also shows how damaged we both were at the time. This is the period of my life I am least proud of the decisions I made. I still can't believe I had so quickly become that which I hated so much.***I am winding this down, I promise!!!***I have lived this situation from every angle. You do not have a relationship with this guy. A relationship begins when someone says, "Of all the people in my life, I want to be with you." He can't even say that, because his actions prove otherwise.Spend some time thinking about what you really have with this guy. You have those strong emotions, the feelings of love. But you have to wonder how well you really know him. And you have to be honest with yourself about the fact that if he can lie so well that he still has a girlfriend even though he is involved with you, then you have no way to know when he is telling you a lie. Do you feel comfortable enough to tell him that things can go no further unless he is willing to leave his girlfriend first? If not, then it may be because you have some doubt in your own mind how he would answer. Just know that you should have the right to expect someone you are dating to not be more interested in being with someone else at the same time. :-) I know this is going to sound super-official, like I am trying to sound really philosophical, but I promise you if you take the time to observe, this will amaze you: The person we date is very much a mirror that shows us what our priorities and needs really are. Just TRY IT. :-)Date, see, get involved with, have sex with, whatever you want to call it. That person is a mirror. I may say I want an intelligent woman, that doesn't put up with any BS and is involved in a lot of cool things like charity bike rides and volunteering for Civitan Camp during the summer. But then I find myself casually dating a hot but ditzy blond who thinks politics are "cool or whatever". Looks like the real need I was trying to fill was having something to look at. The other girl I described would have been a lot of work!Maybe this guy didn't do so much for you after all? I really have no idea because I certainly don't know him.I suggest you not move for the time being. ;-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): It's tough, I know. So I'm not going to judge and say that you've messed up or anything like that. Being mean like that isn't advice - you need words of encouragement with the "now what" instead of "shoulda woulda coulda".Biggest thing to remember in all of this is your kids. Their needs come first, regardless of how you feel. Keep that in mind as you make your decision.Is he still with the mother of his child? It most likely isn't worth the risk if he hasn't left her yet because he probably won't. Save yourself the trouble and end it. Better to deal with the heartbreak over an affair then to lose everything you've worked for on a gamble for a love not worth fighting for - you and your children deserve better.It's hard to get over, I understand - I've been there myself. Still not over it. But if you can cut ties before you make a large investment, you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I'll be honest with you. You're asking this question a little too late. You've jumped off the cliff and now you want to land without a single bump.
What on earth were you thinking? You say you're not one to break families, but what have you been doing all this while? Has this man broken up with his GF? If his relationship is actually in shambles, as he says, then he should have. If he hasn't, then he's leading you up the garden path.
Why are you scared to talk to him? Are you afraid of bursting the "happy" bubble? Well, if it has to happen happen, let it happen now. The sooner you sort things out, the better it is for you.
Find out what he exactly wants from you and what is your status in his life? Where do your children fit in, in his life? If you move to Wales, how are you going to sustain yourself and your family? What is the status between him and his ex?
Dont just act on impulse, you have two children to care about as well. Think about whatever you do.
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 He is in a relationship meaning he is off limits.
Come on now, you deserve better then to be the other women!!
If he is so unhappy with his girlfriend then why hasn't he left her?
Until he is single stay away from him. Do you really want to be with a cheater even if he does leave her for you? How do you know he won't do that to you in the future?
He sounds like trouble....the sort of man that you should stay away from!
You should also think about his girlfriend...she just gave birth not too long go and is stressed out taking care of the new baby. To add to all of that her boyfriend is cheating on her! Don't you feel guilty about what you did would make her feel if she ever found out?
And please don't excuse your or his behavior by blaming her that she wasn't good enough or she doesn't care about him. Obviously she cares because she is with him and she can't be that mean to him if he is still with her!! He is not only a cheater but a liar.
My advice is to cut contact with such a man. You are better then this and his girlfriend doesn't deserve this!!
Good Luck and keep us updated!
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I've agonized extensively about a similar situation. I've gone back and forth with it. Your situation is different because the target of your affection knows full well what your intent is.
I say you need to make it clear to him how you feel, but you need to step away and let him choose how to proceed. In fact, I would not continue on with the affair. Tell him you are concerned about breaking his family up, and tell him you don't want to have that guilt on you the rest of your life.
If he chooses to leave her, then step in. But don't push him to do so. If it's meant to be, he will step away from her, and then you two can proceed. But if you push him, there is always going to be guilt on both parts, and resentment on his down the road. That's no way to live.
Just tell him how you feel, and move on. Good Luck, my heart goes out to you. I really feel your pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I know how you feel - I'm in a similar situation myself. I'm head over heels for a guy who's getting ready to marry. We've been in an affair for several months now. He cares about me and likes me very much - he may even love me but is concerned about saying it. This is because ultimately he's still choosing to go with the other girl that his family more approves of (religious differences). It kills me inside, but I want him to be as happy as possible because I love him very much.
Obviously there is the difference that he is giving off stronger signals that he'll choose you because his relationship is on the rocks, but there are children involved, and that can throw a kink in everything.
You may love him very much, and he may love you as well, but ultimately you know in your heart that the best option will be whatever is best for your children. No doubt he must think of this too, since he has a child of his own. He may decide that staying with the mother is best for the kid - a lot of people reach that conclusion no matter how madly they are in love with another person. If there is a risk of him dumping you after you make the big emotional and financial decision to move to Wales, is it really worth it? Especially think of how it harms your children?
It may be the hardest thing to do, and I know how it feels. It hurts even more when you try to stay friends, as I am doing. Nothing but a constant reminder of what you can't have. Logically and from experience, I'd say the best thing for you and your children is to move on. You deserve a guy that is available and is willing to love you and your kids in a proper fashion. If he breaks up with his girlfriend for good first, you may have a better chance - but so long as they are together officially there is no guarantee.
And as others will say, keep in mind that his affair with you opens the possibility for later affairs as well - and that speaks for you and people like me also. Make sure real devotion is there, not caught up in lust because of a bad relationship on his side (because I don't doubt you love him, if it's anything like how I feel).
Think of your children and your overall happiness in the future before making the leap. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (23 June 2011):
A man who cheats on his partner is always bad news, even if he seems like the only person in the world who is right for you. He definitely isn't. Imagine you move to wales and he actually does leave his girlfriend for you (which I hate to say is very unlikely) the chances of him settling down with you and not doing the same to you as soon as you have a child and don't have all the time in the world to focus on him are SO slim. He has already proven his restlessness in this department, and unfortunately although I don't really believe in 'once a cheater, always a cheater', I do believe that a man who cheats on a long term relationship with children is never going to be much better than just that; a man who cheats on his family.
If you are still considering going to Wales, I would advise you to wait until he has broken it off with his girlfriend first.
Good luck, I wish you all the best!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I'm sorry you're going through this. However, if he is being honest about not getting along with his girlfriend and mother of his child then he should do the adult thing and leave that relationship. Otherwise, he seems to be taking the coward's way out by presenting a lie to both of you. If he has invited you to move to his country, that's a HUGE move on your part; disrupting your life and social connections where you are. Is he really expecting you to do ALL of that and yet he isn't even willing to break up with his girlfriend? It seems grossly unbalanced in my opinion. Perhaps when he shows you through his behavior that YOU are the woman he wants to be with, then you can consider taking the huge step by moving and publicly declaring your relationship. Otherwise, it seems he is only offering you more heartache and even worse than now...because you will be away from your own support system that you have now. Blessings...
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