A
male
age
51-59,
*obot
writes:I have two young boys with my partner of ten years. It seems that most of those years have been a series of mounting stresses. My partner has always had difficulty with intemacy; relating to some abuse experienced as a child, but I have always had a high sex drive and so am generally frustrated sexually. While that problem has always been a significant issue we have always communicated openly and compassionatly. For my part I accepted critisism that I behaved far too needily and would rely on my partner for happiness. This was many years ago and have become very self sufficient in that regard and am greatful to my partner for supporting me as I have grown as an individual. Unfortunatly my partner has has a much more difficult time. Depression, stress and dwindling confidence have all been her closest companions for many years. We have both willingly engaged with all manner of professional and medicinal help, but there has been so little time to even begin to heal before another stressful situation arises in our lives making it even tougher on an already fragile relationship. I have largely been patient and supportive through my partners most difficult times, and while it is extremely testing at times to feel more like a carer than a partner, I tend to think of the words 'in sickness and in health', and have lived in hope that things would get better, while taking care of my own needs as best I can. I have never even entertained the idea of having an affair, that would surely be the kiss of death to our relationship.About seven months ago, another stress bomb blew up in our lives and we are only now beginning to pick up the pieces. My problem now is that I am no longer sure that I have the resourses left to continue in what has always been a somewhat disfunctional relationship. I have already gone far beyond the point at which I believe most people would have pulled the plug or just crumbled under the strain. I feel the only reasons I have to keep trying are to protect my partner from the pain of separation and a vain hope that we can enjoy eachother again. Meanwhile I am becoming desperatly unhappy. To cap it all off, last week I met someone at a party and there was a very obvious and instant connection; the kind of connection you don't have too many of in life, we both felt it, and we both new we shouldn't act on it, but I can't stop thinking about it. It was the kind of connection I had with my partner before we fell head over heels in love all those years ago.I'm not getting any younger, and I want a chance at happiness. Is it too selfish to leave my partner, are we flogging a dead horse, are we due some luck and healing time, am I causing her problems...?
View related questions:
affair, confidence, engaged, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, robot +, writes (2 March 2010):
robot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou CaringGuy, you have come to a very similar conclusion I had myself, your answer has given me some strength to carry on.
As for anonomous female, are you sure you should be sharing your opinions? They strike me as quite dangerously misconcieved.
A
female
reader, BagLady  +, writes (2 March 2010):
Caringguy is on the money. A fulfilled relationship is comprised of the Love Triangle: Love, Passion, Commitment....not the soap opera triangle. You are entitled to try to get all 3 parts. It does you no good to get 66% of your needs...that's. Sexuality has been battered other the centuries due to ages of sexual abuse and manipulation by men, BUT the men of those crimes are to blame not sex and passion. There comes a point where you say *Did we or did we not get better?* For you the answer is no. Your relationship is staying in a strained state and cannot go on like that. I had a friend who was married for 20 years and it ended with him leaving. And your gender has nothing to do with it-I as a women would need the passion of my relationship. If she is not resilient enough to bounce back from her abuse, the misfortune is that she will stay the Victim in survival mode. After so long she should be switching over to Thriving mode. You need to step back and let her walk on her own legs now. You owe it to yourselves and your children to try to make it work, if after a year or so you find yourself in the same place...move on. You are responsible for your happiness. And if it helps-use the word passion instead of sex (sex is a trigger word that leads to negative things for some abused people)-because it is the SPARK you are looking for that you once had with her. Understand that you are in the pool of possibilities (good and bad) when you end that relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Wobbles  +, writes (2 March 2010):
I'll give you a fourth opinion. The second one from a female. I could not disagree more with the anonymous female. If you really have supported your wife the way you say you have there comes a time when she must be responsible for her own problems. She does not seem to be improving so ask yourself are you really helping her? Surely if all your help were working she would improve. She will never improve until she decides to change herself. Sometimes too much support becomes a crutch to lean on.
The relationship seems to be all about her. You do have some responsibility to yourself and so does she. She is not considering you at all. She denigrates your natural sexual desire as neediness yet she indulges her own neediness. You need to discuss this openly with her and if things do not improve leaving may be your only option. You only have one life and yours is being sucked out of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): It depends on whether you want to separate your children from one of their parents, possibly only seeing them through a visit here or there. Do you still love your partner? Consider these two things before deciding. They are the most important questions.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (2 March 2010):
 The anonymous female is a little harsh with her response, but is on the right lines.
You have a 'connection' with this potential new woman, much like you had with your partner when you first met. There you have it. What happened to that connection? Has it got a little stale, not quite as exciting as it was back then? It takes two people to make a good relationship. It takes two to make a 'dysfunctional' one as well.
I can see your point of view. But what about your partner's? How does SHE feel about YOU? Do you have any idea? Maybe she needs some support from the man she loves, not the one who constantly wants sex. Maybe some encouraging words or actions from that man would increase her self confidence. Maybe facing the stressful situations together would make her feel better about her whole life, make her feel that you are actually on her side.
Or, you can run away, and have illicit sex.
Real happiness is not hot sex. Happiness seems to be at home, staring you in the face, but you will never see it while your head stays at penis level.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): Yes it's selfish.men like you always find excuses and problems with relationships when they happen to meet someone else. You are the father of her children arn't you? Did this depression begin after the kids came. There are many reasons women become depressed. Instead of dumping her just to get your willy wet why dont you accept that you have a role in her lack of sex drive and depression. Men tend to be extremely self centred, especially when they have the opportunity to ....... Another women. It's all just excuses really, and you know that in your heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 March 2010):
This is a very sad situation, because it's not like you really haven't tried. But there does come a time when you simply have to take a big step. You have done the medical help, the counselling. You've talked and been open about it all. I would suggest that you give yourself a time limit of one more year. You need to be honest with your wife, and tell her that the situation is becoming very hard on you because the marriage seems to be going nowhere else. Perhaps one of the problems is that you're trying so hard to protect her, that you're not telling her what really needs to be said. Tell her how you feel, and this time be honest about it. Don't tell her about entertaining an affair, that will make things a lot worse. But you need to tell her that you are simply becoming totally alienated from her because of all these problems. You've been a great husband and you've put all the effort in the world in, but as you say, there comes a time where you need to make a grab for happiness. It's not selfish if you have done all that can be done. Give it one more year and tell her. Then after that, make a decision. In all of this, don't have an affair, and leave that other woman in the background. Until you are single, do nothing, because to do anything before could land you with another mess.
...............................
|
