A
female
age
,
*reed
writes:I have been with my husband 28 years and married 23 years. He has had a "friendship" with ("R") another woman for 18 years. She was divorcing when he met her, she then got pregnanat and married the father of her 6 year old son. I met her four years after he first mentioned her, 1995. I have asked him over the years about the nature of the relationship and if they have ever had sex; he said no, but at the time she was pressuring him. The boundaries of this relationship with "R" have been fuzzy and unacceptable to me for a good while. Now, after I found out month ago that he has had a different affair, sexual in nature, "Same Time Next Year", is how this woman described to me the manner they had been seeing one another over time. Now, he continues to speak with "R" and is very reluctant to make it explicit to her he cannot communicate with her, he says he will "let her know how it has to be". I feel like he is protecting her from my limit setting and does not see the damage this relationship has caused over the years. Further, "R" does not know he has had this other "affair"; he has described "R" as his best friend and the "only one who would do me a favor" This saga is too long to thoroughly describe, but in my mind, is way beyond healthy for me, my marriage and children (yes, they have been used by her as well). I have received much advice to can the boy. It is a possibility. Though I still love him and see this 28 year commitment as significant and have some hope that perhaps he can turn himself around in the right direction. What do you think?Thanks for any insights or advisements. DReed
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I just experienced this yesterday! I told my spouse to call his friend and end their talks immediately. He didn't want to hurt her feelings because she was "going through enough" at home. So I said fine and called her up myself...and of course I got her voicemail...figures. So I left a message asking her to return my call so that we can discuss why she can't pay a counselor for her challenges in her marriage...left my contact information in front of my husband. If she is woman enough to call me back it will be settled. I told my husband if it continues, there's the door and she can deal with him! I'll just keep the house and our daughter, and we've been married almost 16 years! I have to ask you like I asked him....what would your husband do if the tables were turned? I also told him I hope that when our daughter marries one day that her husband isn't as shameful as he. That didn't sit well with him! I wish you the best, be strong and don't put up with the crap!
A
female
reader, dreed +, writes (2 March 2010):
dreed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much both Angzw and A. These are very thought provoking and assuring that some of my thoughts are on track. I have felt for along time that 'three' is indeed and crowd. "R" will be dumbfounded by the fact he has had an affiar she dis not know about. Blessings. Dreed
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 March 2010):
You need to have a woman to woman talk with her. If your husband is not man enough, then call her up and tell her you are thinking of leaving your husband over her interference and if she wants him to herself then she should come out in the open so you can move on with your life. Tell her about the other affair so that she knows she is nothing special, just another one in a long line. I an always amazed when people say deal only with your husband. He will always tell you only want you want to hear and tell her what she wants to hear knowing you will never compare stories. So call her up without informing your husband and meet with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): You need to put your foot down and set some boundaries not only for yourself but also for you marriage. If your husband is unwilling to honor those boundaries you need to outline the consequences and follow through. His outside relationships are inappropriate and unacceptable. How would he feel if you had male friends - one you had an affair with and one who wanted to have a sexual relationship with you? And "R" should not be your husband's best friend - YOU should be his best friend. You are his wife and the mother of his children. You have already tolerated his friendships for 18 years, do you want to spend the next 20 years competing with these women? Obviously your husband has no respect for you and your family otherwise he would have recognized the danger to his marriage and walked away from her. You need to do something about it or accept you have an one-sided open marriage and continue to allow your husband the convenience of having his mistresses and the comforts of having a wife and family.
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