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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How do I start this? Let's see, I'm a masculine guy I guess you could say. I think people interpret me as being that way. I'm 6 foot 1, 250, broad shoulders drive a truck, play rugby, have tatoos, and own more than a few firearms. I wear overalls to work instead of a suit. I'm single, and have been for a while, I tend to push women that show interest in me after having my heartbroken a while back. Yeah, yeah I know, we all have sob stories. The thing is I don't really like one night stands, and being single that makes me pretty much celebate. Sex is not the problem for me, the problem is that I have terribly strong overwhelming urges to cuddle!How embarassing! I'm dreadfully ashamed over it, I don't know what to do. I even fantasise about snuggling with women, about giving them long, tight hugs, about having a head laid across my chest that I can gently kiss. Sometimes I even touch soft things, and pretend it's a woman's hair. I dream about soft touches, and passionate kisses! I feel terrible, I'm so uncomfortable with myself! I feel like when I have a girl to hold, and support, and protect that it's fulfilling some strange desire.I've never been so embarassed in my entire life. What can I do? What's wrong with me? Help!!!!
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heartbroken, one night stand Reply to this Question
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 keeping yourself locked away will not help you i understand completely how you feel inside please hang in there and save the last dance for me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): “There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have pure bred German Sheperd, and a scruffy mutt, no idea what's in her. No FWB. 2 of exs wanted that. I don't feel right doing it, plus it always gets complicated.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (28 December 2010):
 what kind of dogs do you have? you sound like you might live in Wyoming, lol. There is nothing wrong with wanting to cuddle with someone.
Have you considered finding a friends with benefits? It doesn't sound like you are ready for a long term relationship right now and you said you don't like one nights stands so maybe a friends with benefits is the way to go.
Good luck. And there is nothing wrong with you because you want to cuddle, at least your man enough to admit it.
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (27 December 2010):
you sound like a good guy that has been hurt really bad first i'll say there isn't anything wrong with hunting it is a good sport requires skill anyway i was just in a relationship with a jobless loser who ripped my heart out over and over but my nice guy with flowers was never there or i would've picked him in half a second i am looking for you i know i know the pain is deep and you feel it may not be worth it but someday a girl like me will find you and look up into those eyes of yours and you'll just know go your heart she could never hurt you relationships are the ultimate hunt you have to weed through all the does and two pointers to land that big buck i unlike you haven't given up i will find you someday the man who will build your life around me
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Do they like to cuddle? Mine do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have two dogs, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Have you considered getting a dog? Maybe a hunting dog (hound) since you enjoy hunting? It sounds like you want companionship more than a relationship.
By the way, poor defenseless animals? They have defense mechanisms and survival instincts of their own and they were also put on this earth for our survival. It's called a food chain. Are you also insulting your ancestors who allowed you to be here because they attacked "poor defenseless animals?" Hippy tree huggers.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 December 2010):
Get a dog.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast year a young lady was hiking not far from my home. She was attacted, and torn to pieces by two coyotes. It made national media. I have been attacked twice, once while camping, once while walking only a kilometer from home. DO NOT assume the beasts I hunt are defenceless, and that I do so without purpose. My grandfather, like his fathers before him fed his, and other families with his rifle. DO NOT insult his memory.
Interesting to see how you are capable of turning from supportive, to poison at learning one simple facet of my personal life. Professional, eh? Well one of my closest friends has six years of phyciatric training, and he does not share your opinion, nor does he attack his clients for personal pursuits, or allow personal opinion to cloud the topic at hand.
Regarding said topic: Call me whatever, it makes no difference, the point remains the same. It was not one woman, it has been several. I don't want a relationship, if I did I'd have one. I want to be free of such resrticting sentiment. If you do not understand my reasoning, do not reply.
Don't try to point out why I should be in one, offer advice on dealing with the emotional, physical cravings.
Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Its nice to read you feel inccapable of acting like a boorish ass towards women. But with respect, you are teetering on that border with your opinions regarding the majority of women! If you prefer to be on your own thats your choice. It sounds rather Heathcliff-esque but hey....each to his own.
If its just the physical side of a relationship that you miss. Try a FWB relationship. All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Gosh..more and more follow ups from this man, and I'm seeing from a professional point of view now, HE is as emotionally dysfunctional and damaged as the woman he was rejected by.
The softness has gone from his writing, the element of being open has disappeared, with talk of self-sufficiency, being alone more and 'hunting ' oh how sad! I do not talk just from the point of view of 'veteran experience ' I also speak from a professional stance, and feel the original posting had some real potential of a human being, with wonderful qualities, who was asking for advice in an effort to 'enrich his life 'and perhaps with the many valid and helpful replies, he would see that being sentimental, liking and desiring cuddles was just normal. But NO, he has come back with an steadfast reply of NOT wanting all this, not wanting to be in a relationship, marriage, yet desires by the sounds of isolation, a solitary existence, now that is NOT how the person came across in the first posting. As so it seems, he doesn't WANT what he was asking about. I suspect he wanted a forum in which to off load his 'personally very damaging' outlook on life, which will without doubt eventually seriously affect all aspects of his life and ability to communicate normally.
I WON'T POST on this any-more, as he seems content to live the way he does. My only last wish, is that HE gives some thought to POOR defenceless animals he intends to shoot, kill in an effort to prove his manhood, to take enjoyment from killing another life, for which he does to, to make another life suffer for his pleasure.
Oh what a VERY, VERY sad posting this is in every respect!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2010):
 OP: you got an excellent , complete answer by Dear Jilly and I'll only try to somewhat reinforce that :
It was ONE woman, a problem riddled one too, and she rejected because of HER own problems. Her capacity for sound choices and appreciation for a healthy relationship was impaired by her unresolved issues and past traumas.
That was for her sort of an authomatic response to being loved and treated with respect- things that she does not know and she never made her own.
There are and there will be other women, many different women, and it may be a very different experience with each one. Just...go see.:)
I am not promising that you'll never be rejacted again, though- because rejection is part of life. Not risking is
not being totally alive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIncorrect. To be free is to be content with one's own existence. I used to be that way, but I have found that because of my intense socail life, I have lost myself, I need to be alone more, more hunting, more hiking and being single in the permanent sense is part of that. Self sufficiency is the road to happiness. I really need to rid myself of my sentimental feelings, they are obsolete. I see valid points in both of the more recent posts, and I thank both of you for your veteran insight. However I am no longer comfortable with the concept of a relationship, the thought of one only brings me fear, not of rejection, on the contrary; fear of tainted judgement, and betrayal.Thank You to all who replied.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Oh man eff that effin eff who took ur girl. Look, some women are immature like that and they want a "project" to put together cause its a challenge for them. Thats a BS mindset man and obviously that girl wasnt right for you. Im saddened to hear she was raped as no woman should ever hafta endure such pain emotionally and physically.
To focus on you, maintain who you are man. Ive done that and things have turned out well despite past experiences, then again I moved to a different country and women on this side of earth are much different (with respect to one's on DC)... I highly douht youll stay single bud cause the right girl comes into your life at the most unexpected time and u cant choose that time and there is nothin u can do about it :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): To the OP.
Interesting and very eloquent follow-up. Which now makes me wonder about the original question as not really about the REAL problem you suffer. Not the fact you think about cuddling, and imagining cuddling a woman, a woman you feel the utmost respect and connection, where you both share such an intimacy you almost feel as though you are one. But the fact you have been rejected by a woman you loved with all your fibre, and because she was damaged, way before she ever met you, and from what you say will be damaged for ever more, unless she sees the extent of her emotional trauma, she will always FALL for, be drawn like a magnet to men who will disrespect her and abuse her. She has known nothing else in her life, and to change that, takes considerable working through a pattern that often leads to self-destruction.
It wasn't that you made any mistakes, in fact far from, the only mistake, if you can call it a mistake, is that you lost your heart to someone who could not love you back in the same way, for the reasons I've explained. So in turn, we now have another person 'damaged' scared to open up and love again. You are so young to be so bitter, when you obviously have some wonderful qualities, only you know, life is not about the ' perfect ' it's about learning to accept rejection is part of it, that sometimes we fall in love, it works, and sometimes it doesn't. That does not mean we never 'RISK' again. We cannot sit on the sidelines of life, to do so, means we don't really live at all, as I'm afraid pain is part of it, and getting up and going through it, not burying the hurt inside so we become stunted, and cease to grow emotionally. You could have all the cuddles you so desire, if you were to lose the shield you've built around you.
We have all been hurt, it goes hand in hand with breathing, and I have been hut, more than once, but I have never let me STOP desiring or moving forward to experience such highs as ecstasy when you join to souls together.
I ALWAYS TRY TO LIVE BY THE FOLLOWING:
Risk
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken.
Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
If you risk nothing and do nothing, you dull your spirit.
You may avoid suffering and sorrow, but you cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, and live.
Chained by your attitude, you are a slave.
You have forfeited your freedom.
Only if you risk are you free.
Leo Buscaglia
I hope you like it.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): "Then she simply chose to be with some goofball, jobless man-whore"
First off, DON'T CHANGE BECAUSE OF HOW SOMEONE TREATED YOU.
I hope you got that message.
Secondly, don't be to hard on the woman you describe above. She probably has serious issues that she doesn't understand, and will have a lot of wreckage in her life.
Yes, handsome guys who treat women like crap do seem to get a lot of action, but that is a bit of an illusion. We just tend to notice those guys more. I've had similar experiences, but after a few years (I'm twice your age and long married) I can look back and know that I did the right thing. My children know that I love my wife and am tender and cuddly with her, she appreciates it more than ever after all the years of marriage, and hopefully we will be together long years to go.
On the other hand, some of those guys that you see getting all the action and treating women like trash will be single when they are my age (I know some), will be raising other men's kids (without knowing it), and are in for serious divorces and pain filled families with children who go on to create more wreckage (I know some of that as well).
Just by comparison, I was asked by a woman a couple of decades ago, because I treated her nicely, "Are you gay? Are you sure that you aren't gay?"
I seem to be pretty sure as I'm definitely not attracted to men, and despite my total lack of homophobia (I've had a number of gay and lesbian friends) no gay men have ever hit on me either (so I must be one ugly MF to boot).
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell here's the thing, I have never cheated on, hit or disrespected any woman I have ever been with, and for that I've been treated like shit. The last woman I was with was my dream girl. She had suffered some horrible experiences in her life, including abuse and rape. When she confided in me these things she had kept from everyone else, I cried over her pain. I couldn't believe anyone could be so callous as to treat her that way. I was sad, and enraged. I felt so close to her for it that I fell for her. Then she simply chose to be with some goofball, jobless man-whore. I couldn't believe it, and it killed me. I was used for an emotional garbage can, then tossed.
It was then that some friends pointed out that he treats like crap, and that my mistake was listening to her, bringing her flowers, and taking her out. I was then made to understand that this many women's preference, to be used only for sex that is.
That mentallity entirely goes against my genetic programming, and upbringing, I am incapable of acting like a boorish ass towards the opposite sex. Thusly a simple conclusion has been reached: Though some women enjoy non-dramatic loving care, many do not, and therefore I am flawed in the majority respect. So I will remain single until I expire, because the risk of being made to feel subhuman by a typical woman far outweighs the reward of the off chance of finding a suitable match. In short to quote Dave Chappell- Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. It is a matter of probability based on past experience.
The only problem is to attempt to deal with the abscence of emotional, and physical intimacy. Thank you to all those who answered.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 ???!! There is nothing wrong with cuddles.
I'm nearly 300 pounds, the wrong side of 40 and it's been a while since I've played rugby or had to face someone down but I think I still have more than my fair share of testosterone. Nothing better though than a good cuddle.
One of my mistresses likes to bring a friend, bless her, and even in a threesome situation the best thing is falling asleep with a wonderful warm body on each side and a beautiful delicate head on each shoulder. There is no finer feeling in the world. If I had to chose the sex or the cuddles afterwards it would be an easy choice. It fulfils a very primal need for a man to want to protect what is beautiful and vulnerable and valuable.
You'll feel a different expression of the same urge when you have children and you hold them and they squeeze you and you squeeze them. It is an incredibly direct way of expressing love.
It's winter in the northern hemisphere, cold outside and prime mating season for us big, warm, men who generate a lot of heat. Make the best of it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 December 2010):
The only thing "wrong" with you is that you are impatient. Keep looking, that woman with the strokable hair is right around the corner, you'll find each other, I promise.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (17 December 2010):
 At 22, being heart-broken can mean thinking you'll be single the rest of your life. Reality is rarely that cruel.
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (17 December 2010):
my dream guy and he's stuck on a website you've just described everything i've ever wanted and could never find please don't change this about yourself women love to be held and kissed passionately i would love to lay my head on a mans belly in my case i'm 5.2 a man who wanted to protect me and share his life with me don't be ashamed of this no joke i've been looking for you and can't find you
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 December 2010):
How do you know that you are going to be single for the rest of your life ?...
Is it something that you have decided and ,if so, why ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I am the same way here buddy! Im a pretty gentle cuddler regardless of what appearances tell a person! Im 6 4 250 so kinda like you except a bit taller. Plenty of ladies out there who enjoy the cuddles man and a lot of them are awesome ladies, very attractive, and look for that sentimental fella!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, is that i'm going to be single for the rest of my life, so I have to figure out a way to deal with this.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 December 2010):
I'm sorry why is anything wrong with you again? Cause you fit the description that most women are looking for in a man. Who cares that you like to cuddle rather than having one night stands with random strangers?
My bf is six foot four and 280 pounds and he loves to cuddle, I'm more into sex than he is but he is the most caring man I have ever met. He truly cares for me and my son and that's something that is hard to find in these days.
You are going to make some woman somewhere extremely happen one day. There is nothing wrong with you (aside from the fact that you think there is something wrong with you) and you should be proud that you are man enough to say, I don't need one night stands, I need a good woman to cuddle with.
Good luck!!!!
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (17 December 2010):
That's not 'wrong', in fact that's rather right!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with YOU, whatsoever.
You are demonstrating really normal, healthy traits, wanting cuddles, intimacy where emotional connection is vital for you.
WHY do you see this as somehow lacking? I suspect it is down to your upbringing, as it is with most males who are unable to show or admit to having the feelings you do. Boys are always (SADLY) taught ' don't cry' big boys don't do that, not to express any human emotion, or very little, tactile, loving, kissing, affectionate behaviour is NOT encouraged as much as it is for girls, so boys grow up thinking that to be 100% male they need to curb these feelings, when in fact it is the total opposite. Men do NEED to have the feelings you're having, they do need to express their emotions, if you remove these feelings, then you are turning a human being into a ' clinical functioning machine ' and that is not what being human is all about. We should also demonstrate sensitivity, compassion, empathy towards others and all life forms. It makes us more balanced individuals, and more capable of having better relationships in our life.
So congratulate yourself, that you have slipped through the net of stereotypical male qualities, it's admirable, and make use of these qualities, not shun them.
By doing this, you will eventually meet a female who recognises all this in you, and be utterly smitten and want to share those cuddles with you.
Jilly
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male
reader, steph007  +, writes (17 December 2010):
:)) This is a tricky letter. About 1000 girls will send you private letter and offer themselves for that cuddling. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Theres nothing wrong with you. You are just feeling a bit lonely and miss affection. Its not just women that like a cuddle you know. Men enjoy that sort of thing too. My partner is 6ft. A steel welder by trade. Very much a man. The first thing he does when he gets home from work. Is to seek me out for a long cuddle. Then he always says that was what he was waiting for aaaaall day! Think its time you started looking for someone new. Have faith. Theres someone out there just right for you. So dont be put off by the past. Seek and you shall find.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 December 2010):
I don't think you have a problem at all. I think it's great, and I am sure many women would feel the same.
One of my exes was the ultimate Bad Boy. Very masculine , very sexy, very tough, "graduated at the University of Life " and all that jazz ( what a nice, mellow, mild mannered Aunt like myself had to do with someone like that, that's all another story ).
He was also very warm, affectionate and tender in private.
He was great at "doing " intimacy - because you could feel he really loved it,he was not faking it to keep me quiet or to get me in the mood, and I absolutely appreciated it.
I think everybody to some extent needs intimacy , closeness and affection, it does not mean you have to act always all soft and cuddly like a Carebear, but neither you have to suppress a part of your real nature.
Just- give yourself a push, go out and date. You say you have been rejected a few times, - join the club. Most everybody has been rejected at some point. Try again- be yourself and don't be afraid of showing what you want and need . There surely are women who can appreciate a multi -faceted personality.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 December 2010):
There's nothing wrong with you! And you can take that from another guy. Everyone likes cuddles, men and women. Cuddles can make a lot of problems go away. Most men will quite happily spend hours lying in their girlfriend's arms, and vice versa. Hugs aren't something to be embarrassed of.
I think you need to relax a bit more about women and hugs and everything. Those fantasies about you hugging another woman are your mind telling you that you need to address your broken heart so you can go find a girlfriend. So sort out that broken heart, take time finding a good woman and spoil her rotten.
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female
reader, EJ  +, writes (17 December 2010):
Whats wrong with that? Did someone teach you that a big guy like you should not like cuddling? BS, if you ask me. Send out the thought that you will find a woman who loves cuddling just like you. In the meantime, stop buying the idea that there is something wrong with you. You are just as healthy as the next guy.Have a magical life!
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