A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I returned home with my girlfriend about half an hour ago. We just spent the last six hours with two new friends. One of which happens to be an old girlfriend of mine. But before you go "oh you idiot", it wasn't my idea. They've friended on facebook (my gf and my ex-gf) and have been talking to each other for a while. It was their idea for her and I, and my ex and her fiance to meet up.So we did, and the evening was quite pleasant. More people showed up, we played games, we all had a good time, we all chatted this and that and blah blah blah. Everything was very civil.As we left, everything was fine.But five minutes into the car trip... it just went to stupidity."Nobody thinks we're going to work out" she says."Who?" I ask."Everyone thinks that we're not going to last" she says."Who?" I ask."Why is it that he has pictures all over his walls and fridge of her and you dont have any pictures of me anywhere?""I do, and second, they have a long distance relationship for the next three years, of course he's got pictures of her all over the place! WE live together!"She kept saying the same crap over and over again.Everyone thinks this. People think that. I'm asking who. Trying to figure out where this spontaneous fight from the depths came from. After a nice evening, none of this makes sense to me.She said "One of us needs to grow up and figure out what they want, and the other of us needs to figure out if they want to stick around or move on, and I think you know who both of those apply to".My voice started raising with the frustration level. Trying to touch her to hug her failed. She recoiled immediately. Said not to touch her. I tried to talk to her, but she told me to leave her alone. I'm trying desperately to understand what the fuck is going on, but she's not talking and/or repeating the same thing and/or telling me to not talk to me.We've been together a year. We've known each other for the better part of three, off and on. I do care about her, and I'm frustrated beyond comprehension. She does this, and it drives me insane. She brings up things I did to piss her off in the past. She brings up issues that have since been resolved and treats them like I did them yesterday. I can't say or do anything right, and if I leave her alone, or if I leave the house to get away with her, then that's even worse. If I stay at the house, particularly when she does this late at night, she locks me out of the bedroom and makes me sleep on the couch. My bedroom. My ridiculously expensive bed, and I'm on the god damned couch. Or air mattress.I would be fine with the relationship if she didn't pull shit like this everyone couple of weeks. What do I do? Is this relationship toxic? Do I drop kick her the hell out? It's 2am. I had a long day, and I have the distinct feeling that I'm going to have to break my own damned bedroom door down in order to sleep.Advice is more than welcome....
View related questions:
facebook, fiance, long distance, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mickswagger +, writes (23 March 2011):
Dude I am going through the same shit! She brings up negative things I did or said to her BEFORE we was together. Its been over a year and I don't even do the stuff anymore but she talks as if I JUST DID whenever we argue!! I think she has some serious mental issues and I am moving out!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I have a very similar problem, my girlfriend is always picking ridiculous fights and bringing things up from 2 years ago. I feel your pain, and I don't know how to go about it either. I love her and want to be with her, but it gets extremely frustrating at times. If I walk away and try to deal with fights after she calms down, then she says I don't care about her and things like that. She constantly pushes me away in bed, leaving me feeling lonely. When she wants to get sexual then all of the sudden I'm supposed to behave like everything is normal. I'm not sure what the underlying issue is, and like you I think its very similar. It may be because she grew up with a single mom, and for her to treat her significant other with respect is difficult. I'm not sure but there is definitely an issue that needs to be fixed or dealt with - because this isn't comfortable.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 December 2010):
You need to dump her. She's staring to sound more and more like Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. She's got serious problems, and they are going to get worse.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous again--I thought everything was smoothed over. We drove to the next state over to go visit my Dad. He's in rough shape after over three weeks in ICU, and had a case of shock again seeing him for the first time in two weeks since I had to handle finals. That's a note I'm saving for later.We were talking about what was going to happen, since she has to go back to work Monday, and I was going to come back down. She got it in her head that I was going to leave her alone on Christmas, and that it didn't make sense for me to leave her home the entire week before Christmas just to drive six hours on Christmas Eve to come and get her. I told her that it was not a problem for me, but she thinks that it is and that I should just stay all week.Dad's not going to have any visitors for the most part, and I'm out of college for the semester--How much sense does it make for me NOT to go stay with him?She has made it a big deal where there was nothing. And now because she's being a super bitch, the chances of me leaving her alone are greatly heightened, but still not going to happen because I've already given my word.She called me selfish for wanting to spend the week with Dad, when it "doesn't make sense because you hardly ever talked to him before the accident, you hardly ever talk to him in the room, and you barely spend any time in the room--you just get this pussy look on your face and leave for a while."Almost verbatim out of her mouth.Recall paragraph two. I'm still in shock. I can see from my father's face that he doesn't WANT me to see him like this, where he's physically weak and can't even take a shit without someone to wipe his ass for him. He hates it. We all hate it. But we all tolerate it because we all need to be there for one another. And it hurts, and I can only handle so much at a time. But his voice will come back, and I intended to be there when it did.How selfish is this?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous again--I thought everything was smoothed over. We drove to the next state over to go visit my Dad. He's in rough shape after over three weeks in ICU, and had a case of shock again seeing him for the first time in two weeks since I had to handle finals. That's a note I'm saving for later.We were talking about what was going to happen, since she has to go back to work Monday, and I was going to come back down. She got it in her head that I was going to leave her alone on Christmas, and that it didn't make sense for me to leave her home the entire week before Christmas just to drive six hours on Christmas Eve to come and get her. I told her that it was not a problem for me, but she thinks that it is and that I should just stay all week.Dad's not going to have any visitors for the most part, and I'm out of college for the semester--How much sense does it make for me NOT to go stay with him?She has made it a big deal where there was nothing. And now because she's being a super bitch, the chances of me leaving her alone are greatly heightened, but still not going to happen because I've already given my word.She called me selfish for wanting to spend the week with Dad, when it "doesn't make sense because you hardly ever talked to him before the accident, you hardly ever talk to him in the room, and you barely spend any time in the room--you just get this pussy look on your face and leave for a while."Almost verbatim out of her mouth.Recall paragraph two. I'm still in shock. I can see from my father's face that he doesn't WANT me to see him like this, where he's physically weak and can't even take a shit without someone to wipe his ass for him. He hates it. We all hate it. But we all tolerate it because we all need to be there for one another. And it hurts, and I can only handle so much at a time. But his voice will come back, and I intended to be there when it did.How selfish is this?
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I'd leave her and not look back. Why are you still putting up with her eternal PMS?
Throw in the towel and find someone who isn't so grrrr especially doing this to you when your father is in the hospital.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 December 2010):
Having read your second response, I'd say that there are serious problems here and maybe it would be better to end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Had you guys had a few drinks? It's amazing what alcohol does to people heads...
This sounds exactly like something i went through about a year ago, my ex would just randomly challenge me, and nothing i could say or do seemed to make anything better. CaringGuy is right, maybe you were asking her the wrong question, and as advised leave her to calm down then sit and talk like adults. You seem like the kind of guy that's willing to sort things out with her, so why not surprise her one day when she gets home from work by putting up pictures of you and her all over the place. That way, everytime she looks at them dotted around (on the fridge, on the telly, on the side) she'll smile and feel the butterflies.
But as already suggested, sit down with her and listen to her concerns, but i think putting some pictures up of the 2 of you would be a nice gesture for her, and it doesn't take too much effort if you're busy
...............................
A
female
reader, wednesdayschild72 +, writes (17 December 2010):
Yes I think that is totally right! From a girl's perspective, being around an ex DOES bring up any insecurities that we there before, however rational you are about it, they are still there...and so she may have wanted to voice them but just didnt know how to...she wanted reassurance but probably felt silly as she knows you love her and not your ex...and yes, they are engaged and she isnt...kind of reiterated that insecurity. I THINK this might be it....but try talking and get back to us. (Yes! Why not Who!)Good Luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 December 2010):
I think you're asking the wrong question. When she said that others were saying you weren't going to last, instead of asking "Who", you should have probably asked "Why". Then she'd have had to give all those reasons that are in her head. Also, I suspect this was brought on by the fact that she saw your ex and her fiance planning their marriage, whilst you're not engaged. Maybe that had something to do with it too.
I would suggest that you sit down with her tomorrow (stay out of the room now and let her cool off - the couch will have to do) and ask her WHY she feels this way. And listen to what she has to say. Then get back to us on this site and tell us what she said. We'll try to help some more.
I just think this sounds like you asked the wrong question, and also there might be a hint of jealousy that you're not engaged whilst your ex is. But don't take my word for it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous again--
I've tried to get my clothes so that I can leave. But she claims that I'm drunk when I stopped about 4 hours ago. My father is in the hospital, and I'd rather be there than here with the banshee.
She's threatened to call the police on me for banging on the door. She's screamed at me for "terrorizing the cat", when I wasn't even in the house at that moment. The cat just wanted into the bedroom, just like what I wanted.
She's screamed at me to leave her alone so that she can sleep, but at the same time, I'm stranded. I can't pack my clothes. I can't exactly get a good night sleep on the couch, even if I could at this point.
....Is this a move on scenario? I am starting to think that it is.
...............................
|
