A
female
age
41-50,
*iss Led
writes:Hi everyone,I am hoping someone (preferably with experience of this) could shed some light on my problem.I have been seeing my boyfriend for a bit more than three years. He says he is happy. If he is happy, then why does he keep going to dating sites, saying he`s single and looking for romance. He is clumsy and is forever leaving clues and I then look and find him on them. We have had argument after argument about it. Sometimes he lies, then he turns on me for prying and not trusting him, then there`s the one where he accuses me of cheating, and I end up having to defend myself over it.He swears he is happy. We break up, and he follows me begging and promising not to do it again.The fact is, we will moving into our fourth year as a couple, and he is still on those dating sites. Why? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2013): Please leave him... he is obviously using you and keeping you until he finds the One that makes him want to quit those dating sites. You deserve to be with someone who gives you the same respect and commitment you are giving him... Furthermore you've been with this guy for 4 years! He should be committed right now... I think your bf is just afraid to be alone... sorry to say that... but I don't think you should waste more of your time on him... He's probably the type of person who takes things for granted when he has them. You will never leave him so he is doing as he pleases and still go on those dating sites...
A
male
reader, massage  +, writes (23 November 2013):
 Wait, let me guess...He lives in your place? ..I know someone who had this problem. I could see it if it's a month post being in a relationship but not three years...Come on.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (22 November 2013):
I know you are the one who is asking the question, but please let me ask you this, how long do you intend to let his cheating cycle continue for? So he must have been doing it for at least 3 years, yes? Does that not tell you that you only have 2 options? You get out or you stay put and accept it.
A mistake is just that. He is not making mistakes, he knows exactly what he is doing.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Miss Led, Just as he was turning things around on you by accusing you of cheating, he's turning things around on you by accusing you of "game playing" when he's the one playing a game on you. Don't buy for one minute that "nobody else would put up with you." I used to hear that a lot from my cheater ex, because he could never own up to doing something wrong. Truth is that if you had an HONEST, trustworthy man you'd not have to be suspicious and question his activity. Trust has to be EARNED, and it can't always be rebuilt. Even if it can be rebuilt, it is not going to be instantaneous and it will take A LOT of work on his part. He was in the wrong, not you. You need to either a) give him an ultimatum, or b) find a guy you CAN trust. I recommend B.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 But after nearly 4 years of the same old story , and old broken promises, why do you keep believing him and taking him back ?! You know how the saying goes. First time shame on you, second time....
If you KNOW that he promises to never go on dating sites again JUST to shut you up and to not have to listen to your grievances, how can you put any faith in the sincerity of his promses ?...
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A
female
reader, Miss Led +, writes (21 November 2013):
Miss Led is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I know you are all right in what you say.
To answer your question shna, most of the time he lies about being on them. He then admits it when we have been broken up a few days, and says it was a mistake because he is not perfect and will be the best boyfriend ever, if I give him another chance to prove it. When we got back together, he retracts it and says he admitted it so I would shut up going on and on about it, and says I am playing mind games with him by keep accusing him, and no one else would ever put up with me. He knows I have seen it, but he still lies about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): My ex was on dating sites, I looked up his username and the last login date was when he was with me. He also would make up excuses. Dump them, they will become someone else's problem and you can then relax.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2013):
 OH I was married to a man just like your guy... NOTE I WAS married to him... we are divorced now.
He loved me... but NOT the right way and NOT ENOUGH.
he was always lying and cheating on me behind my back and to my face.. and he WANTED TO GET CAUGHT and he WANTED it over. BUT he was too weak and chicken to tell me he wanted out.
Sadly he set it up so that he had an "excuse" to leave me and he tried with all our mutual friends to make ME look like the bad guy.. they saw through it.
He is with someone else now and very happy with her.
Your guy SAYS he is happy but he is not truly 100% happy.
He will leave you when he finds someone he loves more...
Your best bet is to figure out an exit strategy that works for both of you... because the truth is if you leave him and he has no one else to go to he will dog at you to stay with him but you must be strong and not go back... it will never end well.. he will never stop looking and cheating and lying.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (21 November 2013):
I have got experience of this. It never stopped, and it probably still hasnt. Most of his reactions were no different either. There were times where I was told I was seeing things.
The best thing you can do is make him your ex. It wont be long before you get paranoid and believe he is lying about absolutely everything. It will wear you to the ground and eat away at you.
Just leave him to his priority - the dating site.
You will do better. I did.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (21 November 2013):
 He IS happy because he`s got you AND the dating sites. He has got it exactly the way he wants it.
The only thing that is probably lacking in your relationship is respect, because he doesn`t have any for you.
The only way out of this is getting permanently away. This is not a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Why would you want to stay with a man who is cheating on you? What do you get out of the relationship. Of course he is happy he is getting an open relationship and the ok from you to have sex with anyone he wants.
Think about what you really want from a relationship and why you don't value yourself enough to leave. He won't change but you can leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2013):
 The fact that he turns it back on you, is a typical cheater method. Make YOU feel bad or guilty of doing ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong. But it's reflecting the blame of him and unto you.
If you two keep breaking up, there HAS to be a reason. I think YOU two keep going back together because the relationship is so familiar. It's feels "comfortable" (at least til NEXT time he gets caught).
You say he's done this before. Which most likely means - he will DO it again. And again. All he has to do is beg and kiss ass a little and you take him back. Then he is back to his "fun and games."
A person who s HAPPY in his relationship doesn't sign up on dating sites. People don't do that for shits and grins. UNLESS they are single.
You can't trust him. You know that much, so why waste more time on this guy? HE is NOT going to change.
The ball is REALLY in your court.
Personally, I would be furious if I felt like I had to monitor my partner and what he does online, to feel secure that he isn't cheating. That just isn't healthy. You end up feeling like the crazy GF, all because he isn't trustworthy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): ". . . We break up, and he follows me begging and promising not to do it again."
"The fact is, we will moving into our fourth year as a couple, and he is still on those dating sites. Why?"
Because he knows all he has to do is beg and plead and make false promises while putting you on the defensive, and you will always let him get away with it.
Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
You can either continue to let him play you for a fool while treating you with absolute contempt, or you can muster up the necessary pride, dignity and self-respect to walk away with head up and eyes forward.
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (21 November 2013):
I don't think happiness has anything to do with why he's on those sites--I think he's just a typical cheater. He would cheat on anyone he's with.
The fact that he gets mad at you for "prying" and accuses you of being a cheater are the signs that he is cheating himself.
They react that way because of their guilt, or because they think if they can do it you will too.
Get rid of him.
You deserve better than a cheater.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Why? Because he likes the attention and ego stroke he gets from these other women - who he's quite possibly meeting up with for sex. Because he knows he can do it and you'll get angry but you'll always take him back.
The relationship sounds awful. He says he's happy but are you?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Whats the exact reason he gives you for going on these dating websites?How have your arguments usually played out on this topic?Do you find yourself snooping around or is he genuinely leaving clues around?Whatever the answers in my mind its a total form of cheating !!He is MAKING THE DECISION to go onto these sightsTo create an account To click the relationship status of singleTo add female friendsTo talk with them/ flirt with them and god knows what else !! The conversation is hardly about the weather.. COME ON !!BTW - if confronted a cheater will usually accuse you of cheating out of nowhere ! I think its some sort of defence mechanism but I've had a lot of experience with it TRUST me !! You need to sit this guy down and figure out what his priorities lie and why he finds the need to flirt with the strange women when he has such a lovely lady by his sideIf he cant quit cant change and cannot be honest with you then sweetie you already know what I'm going to sayYou deserve betterYou deserve somebody who is going to see the sun shine through your assSomebody who finds you more then enough in life and does not need to lead some online fantasy persona !!
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A
female
reader, shna +, writes (21 November 2013):
Whats the exact reason he gives you for going on these dating websites?How have your arguments usually played out on this topic?Do you find yourself snooping around or is he genuinely leaving clues around?Whatever the answers in my mind its a total form of cheating !!He is MAKING THE DECISION to go onto these sightsTo create an account To click the relationship status of singleTo add female friendsTo talk with them/ flirt with them and god knows what else !! The conversation is hardly about the weather.. COME ON !!BTW - if confronted a cheater will usually accuse you of cheating out of nowhere ! I think its some sort of defence mechanism but I've had a lot of experience with it TRUST me !! You need to sit this guy down and figure out what his priorities lie and why he finds the need to flirt with the strange women when he has such a lovely lady by his sideIf he cant quit cant change and cannot be honest with you then sweetie you already know what I'm going to sayYou deserve betterYou deserve somebody who is going to see the sun shine through your assSomebody who finds you more then enough in life and does not need to lead some online fantasy persona !!
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 in my experience when guys act like this and accuse you of cheating most of the time they already are
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