A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 19 year old girl and at the minute I'm just lost, hurt, upset and don't know what to do. 10 months ago I got with my boyfriend. He's quite abit older than me, he's 27. Everything has been great really happy then a few weeks ago argument a started over silly things but we had booked a holiday do we had to sort things out really to go away. We had the most amazing holiday in Tunisia in October for a week and came back really happy but when I came home I found out my nana was in hospital really poorly and obviously this really upset me. My mum was away at the time so I was alone at home and at this time my boyfriend told me he wanted to be alone. He ignored me he left me and didn't bother knowing I was alone and so upset going through this hard time! Even now 3 weeks after he still hadn't bothered but tells he loves me? All I seem to do is still try talking to him either though he has hurt me I feel like I'm begging for him to make the effort and make things right because I love him so much and not prepared to lose him. I really don't know what to do? If it has come to the point where I should leave him or keep trying? I just don't need It right now as my nan is still in hospital poorly. HELP!!! Please, any advise would be really appreciated. Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 November 2013):
 I hit 'send' too early...
I wish your grandmother a full and speedy recovery.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (23 November 2013):
OP, I'm going to take a slightly different tack here.
You didn't find out about your grandmother being ill and in hospital until after you'd returned from your trip. That means that the other members of the family who also love her didn't think her condition was serious enough to merit you shortening your holiday. They aren't holding a candle light vigil and your mother, her own daughter or daughter in law, saw nothing wrong with you being on your own for a while.
So if your own family does not think this a crisis that they must all rally round you for, why would your boyfriend?
Words like 'support' and 'effort' are vague and subjective. What exactly does this support look like? What specific things do you want him to do? How often and for how long? You need to have a clear picture of what you want before you can expect him to provide it.
In the course of your life you are occasionally going to receive some bad news and there won't always be someone there to hold your hand and hug you. You're going to have to come up with some coping strategies to get you through those difficult times instead of relying too heavily on others for support.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): You don't give any reason why he said he needs to be alone. I know you have your problems at the moment and need someone but maybe he has some problems at the moment and wants to deal with them on his own.
Talk to him, find out why he suddenly needs to be alone and find out what's going on in his life before you get upset about him not being there, he may have good reason. Find out what that is before you decide what to do.
OP sometimes life can hit both people in a relationship with hard times. He may have good reason why he's not there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): I hope things go well for your grandmother, and she quickly recovers. Stay close!Your boyfriend may not know how to deal with illness and grief. He doesn't feel comfortable around people having a family crises, and may feel more like an intruder. It isn't a duty as it would be for a husband. He may also feel awkward being older than you; and your dad/parents may not offer him vibes of approval. Even though they tolerate the relationship on the surface.He may have had similar personal experiences that didn't go well; or he just couldn't deal with his own emotions at that time. Maybe your sick grandmother forces him to face these uncomfortable emotions; and men in general, avoid dramatic or emotionally-charged situations.There is also the fact, that he strangely distanced himself after your trip. He isn't responding to calls or messages.It is highly possible he has been contemplating a breakupprior to your holiday; and this was his convenient opportunity to make his exit. Everything had already been planned and arranged for your vacation; so he went through with it just the same. There is something weird about so many posts about men returning from vacations; and strangely becoming distant. It may have been a gift, to ease the guilt of breaking up. Or thought a vacation together would change his mind. He may have thought it out over a long period of time. The convenient opportunity presented itself. Something to keep you preoccupied.I advise you to mentally prepare to accept this as the "break;" while he figures out how to breakup with you.By no means do I want to alarm you, but I have to help you prepare emotionally should this be the case. Many men do not offer you the luxury of discussing the reasons; or give you deserved closure. Timing can be awful. They just disconnect without responding. Some let you figure it out on your own. This just seems like one of those situations.So, act as if he is breaking up with you. Don't try to reach him. Just concentrate on your grandmother; who is more important than some guy who is acting weird.There really isn't much he can do; and men generally don't like being around crying and sobbing. It is very difficult to deal with. You look to us to always know how to comfort you, or to fix everything. Expect us to know the right things to say, or do. We can't always instantly manufacture a solution on the spot. It gets exhausting and confusing. We can't always prop you up.It's best coming from your immediate family anyway.Seek solace and comfort from your parents and siblings. They're your family. It's their job. Perhaps he doesn't know how to deal with it. She is of no relation to him. If you are the type of person who falls apart; and becomes a pile of emotions, that is needy and will force a lot of men to avoid you. You will have to learn to show strength. A guy needs a woman he knows can hold it together, and watch his back. He may only be realizing how fragile and delicate you are, due to your young age. Just a word of advice apart from being upset and concerned for your sick grandmother. It's general advice that may be helpful in your relationship. It's a myth that men are more attracted to women who are super delicate and highly emotional. This is not really a sign of her femininity; it's more a sign of weakness or over-dependence. He needs to know she can hold up her own under crisis; and when he needs her strength. Men do turn to women for strength. In your case, your vulnerability comes from your youth and innocence. It becomes more apparent in situations like this. You seem more like a child than a woman.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 Is there a reason why he left? Do you both live together?
Or are you in some sort of long distance relationship
Dealing with sick people and death is usually a hard topic for men !! The can listen to your problems but theyre way of dealing with your
Problems is by problem solving and seeing as ur grandmother is quiet poorly he might feel useless to you!?
It could be that this guy doesnt like dramatic situations like you fighting with one another
He probably felt your week away with one another was the best time he is had with you and could be finding it hard to face reality.
There could be underlying issues its hard to give a proper judgement and advise when you are saying he is not around but is still in contact
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