A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok this friend of mine (a girl) got into an argument recently and i would love to hear your opinion on this.she is very pretty and she gets hit upon a lot. she is very friendly too so she engages guys in conversations. then they inevitably ask for her number and her email, and she gives it to them.the thing is, she is not serious about them. when they call or email her, she'll put them off, saying she is busy, or she will date them a few times and dump them. in other words, she never has any intention of seeing them.i am causal friends with her but being a male (and i am dating someone else so i never got invovled with her) i got sort of pissed with what shes doing. i told her i think its leading them on. why give them your info if you dont have an interest in dating them.she says she is just being friendly. i said come on, you are pretty, you know its more they are after.she says no, she is just being polite: if they ask her for her number or email, or want to go for coffee, she is happy to do it.so here is my question: is she leading people on when she gives out her info?or is she right in that she is just being friendly and opening herself up for friendship?thank you for your ideas!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, clyde75 +, writes (25 March 2012):
yes i beleave it is
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): There are two types of men and two types of women. The ones that are looking for a relationship and the ones that are not. The ones that are not should not have to hide away from the dating scene, why should they?! As "universe man" said they are human too. We just need to recognise when the person is not looking for a relationship or if they are not relationship material. Women write on this site all the time saying they don't understand why the guy never called back, and what is the answer they get? Look at their actions,there are little signs a person gives off, we just have to pick up on them. For example if Im in a nite club and a drunk guy slurring his words chats me up, I'll know he's not bf material. Same way guys know if a girl is sluty that she is not gf material. These people are entitled to date though thats my point they are human, we don't live in a perfect world where everybody shares the same ideals. Personally I don't date guys to sleep with them, I date guys to get to know them, but that cant be said for everybody and Im not so naive to believe that every guy I date wants a relationship, because we all want different things and we are entitled to that, but I do read the signs and if he comes across as a player, a drunk or a stalker well i'll know not to give him my number. Im sure it works the same for guys.I don't think anybody has should lead anybody on, that is a totally different think altogether, but going on a few dates with different guys, meeting different guys, there is no harm in that, provided she doesnt play mind games and convince them she wants something more.
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (27 May 2011):
"Not interested in them romantically."
Of course not, otherwise she'd continue to be with them. But that does not mean that she is not interested IN ROMANCE. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone. She may feel nothing for any guy she's ever met, and she may even say to people who ask, "I don't want dates, I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want anything." But she's human, right? Humans want to be loved. She's just looking around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I think you'll see that we guys mainly respect girls who refuse outright on the grounds their not interested in us. The guys who get bitter and call the girl stuck up etc. are the guys she should be glad she didn't give it out to if that's how they view people who don't give them what they want.
Seriously there's nothing worse than meeting a hot girl asking for her details with very obvious intentions, getting them and then being led around the block she thought she was being "polite" and "friendly". It's a waste of our time, it gets our hopes up and when the girl just plain ignores our calls or doesn't answer her emails because she "changed her mind" then that's just ignorant. At least let us know. As strontiumdog said, it can really make someones day to get a girls details, for some guys it can be a really big deal it can crush them to find she won't even answer any calls.
Taking a guys details and giving him the impression you're interested then completely ignoring him is downright nasty, just the same as if a guy did it.
Of course men and women are equal but when your interpretation of "enjoying being single" is leading people on then women are just taking our bad points and using them as excuses to use us to satisfy their egos, just the same as the guys who spend a little while chatting up a girl who then thinks they have a great connection getting her number and then never calling her while she excitedly tells people as this nice guy and waits by the phone, that's not fair on her either. Add to that the whole "playing hard to get" game lots of girls play and the guys she gives out her details to may spend a lot of time trying to convince her to meet up for a date only for her to eventually give in and meet up for coffee but then blank them again after that. That's a long chase, time and money spent on a woman just to feed her need for male attention, that we could have spent better on someone else who is actually interested in those things. Put together a string of those kind of things with a host of different girls who think that's okay and you make a guy lose respect for women and decide he may aswell do that to them.
If she's playing the field and is actually open to romance, just going out on dates and testing these guys out, that's fine, that's how women do it they're the ones who get approached they're ones who have to be wooed. That's fine, that's playing the field. If she has no intention of even calling this guy in the first place or responding then that's nasty.
Look it's just a matter of respect really, if you're not interested in dating then why give out your number and go on dates? To keep you tied over with male attention until you decide you want to? To let yourself know "you still got it?" Then she's just playing games, which makes her a player. Using guys to feed her need for attention. She's playing the exact same game as guys who get girls numbers but don't call them, you won't hear many women say that's okay to do because most of you know the feeling of crushing disappointment at not getting that call from a guy you really liked who showed interest when he wasn't. What makes it okay for a girl to do that under the creed "enjoying being single".
When I "enjoyed being single" I went out and had my needs fed too, I used girls for sex and I was an asshole for it but I too excused that in my mind at the time because I never once said to any of those girls I was interested in anything more but just like OP's friend I didn't tell them I wasn't either, just like her I knew that if I did tell them that then I wouldn't have gotten what I craved, sex. Because just like her and her being "friendly" and "polite" excuse which is just a smoke and mirrors ploy to have a bit of fun and lead these guys on. She knows their intentions, she knows she has no intentions but she doesn't tell these guys, she lets them assume so they'll keep chasing and give her that feeling of being desired she craves.
Funnily enough it was my experiences with girls like her that convinced me to go out and play women, after a string of women thinking it was okay to use me for their games, showing me no courtesy or respect just to feed their egos I became jaded and decided if I couldn't beat them might as well play them at their own game. I have no doubt some of the girls I used back then turned around and decided to get their own back on other guys too. So while a lot of women may feel she's just "enjoying being single" just remember it is very possible that the last guy who used you did so because he had become embittered by girls who treated him exactly like she's treating these guys just before he met you.
There's only so many times a person will suffer that kind of disrespect before they lose their respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): I agree with "cindy cares" A girl cant win.This girl does not want a relationship, but that does not mean she should not date and meet new people, so what, she should close herself on into a box, or wear a big sign saying "im not looking for a relationship"Guys do this too, date girls even though they are not looking for a relationship, "Krit" has a more serious approach to the "dating game" and thats fair enough if you are looking for a relationship, but this girl is just enjoying being single, as long as she is not being intentionally nasty, hurtful or abusive, I dont see the problem. We live in a modern society, where men and women are equal, so why should she shut herself off from male interation, just because she does not want a relationship just now, and if you think she should, do you think men should do the same if they are not looking for a relationship?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Pretty girl can't ever win :)
This girl gives her phone number to any guy who'd ask it respectfully, maybe just out of courtesy, maybe to get them off her back, maybe to be friendly and meet new people, maybe to give them an honest chance, who knows. Maybe she is not into the guy romantically but accepts a coffe invitation for any and all of these reasons. Anyway, whatever the reasons are, she gets flak, she is leading guys on, not nice, a coffee -hungry moocher, etc.
Now, suppose she would DENY her phone number . Suppose she would say straight away : Sorry, I am not dating right now, but if I were, it would not be with you .Unluckily I don't fancy you and you are not my type " or words to this effect . She would get TWICE as much flak, and maybe some angry reaction too . "What do you think you are " " stuck up bitch " " spoiled little princess " " hey, I just asked for your phone no., not for your hand in marriage ".
Yeah, she can't win.
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A
male
reader, krit  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Well even if you liked her once then also don't make the mistake of dating her. She's doesn't deserves your time and attention. Spend it only on the lady who is worth of it. Many girls are beautiful but still down to earth. Search for them and you would feel the difference.
As we all know most of work in dating is to done by a guy like ---- first approaching, getting the no., arranging the date, holding hands,go for first kiss , expressing your love in words , etc.
All risk is to be taken by us and all what a girl has to do is accepting it or rejecting it on each stage. So this way too much power is mistakely given in girl's hand. Now it is important to take some of this power back again otherwise she would get bored and take you for granted.
Let her QUALIFY herself to you in each stage and then take the actions and move on to the next stage.
If you don't do this then everytime things would happen what your friend does to others. Value your time and actions instead of wasting it on someone who's NOT worth of it. All men and women are equal. So when Both take equal risk and and put equal efforts in making things work, you end up in finding true love which is based on mutual likings and respect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): I dont really see how this is a problem, unless she boasts about dating guys just to drop them, that would be nasty. However if she is single and not looking for a relationship, that doesnt mean she cannot go on a date with a guy
You dont have to be looking for a relationship to go on a date, maybe she just enjoys meeting new people, or maybe she isn't desperate for a relationship, but if she really clicked with a guy on a date, then she might consider it.
She is just keeping her options open, she is single, isnt that what single people do, meet new people and keep their options open? This does not make her a bad person, she is just embracing single life. However if she actually said, im only dating these guys to get all i can out of them and boasted about it, then that would be nasty.
But there is no harm going on a few dates with different people, thats why its called "the dating game".
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A
male
reader, krit +, writes (24 May 2011):
For me, that's not being polite but just a desperate attention seeker. You can be picky and reject those men for not liking them but to first lead them on and then just dissappear like nothing happened is complete NONSENSE. Any guy who respects himself should NEVER take such sort of behaviour from any girl no matter how hot she is and REJECT them once you got to know their intentions.
Sadly, these sort of people exist and no amount of attention seems to be
enough for them.
And yeah (phone no = sex ) is ONLY for guys who they meet in bars and nightclub not for regular guys. Because of alcohol any small move could also lead them on to thinking of sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): If she never has any intention of meeting up with a fair number of them and knows that the second she gives her number out, then I agree it's leading them on and unnecessary. Is she generally a weak willed and has a problem saying no in other circumstances too? If so she may have a problem saying no to guys who ask for her number. Still doesn't make it right but that's a possibilty. That or she does just like the attention.If however she does go on dates with most of them I don't see a problem at all. Dates are how you get to know another person, see if you're compatible. Just because you go on a date does not mean you have to enter into a committed relationship or that you never had any intention of dating them in the first place or you have to be deadly serious about them right from the first date (which would be a bit odd really). It could be she meets them, realises they don't have much in common so decides not to persue anything more. It sounds like she's picky more than anything.It's also possible that something about the texts/emails she receives put her off meeting some of the guys. For example I met a guy who I quite liked on a night out, he asked for my number and I gave it to him as at that point I was interested in meeting up again. The next day I slept in and in that time had received 6 texts from him, he kept on texting throughout the day, usually asking the same Q of "hi, how's u?". I pretty much felt there was something not right so I decided it was probably not best to meet up with him as he was already seeming clingy. It's an extreme example but you get the point. It doesn't mean that was my intention from the start.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Honestly, as long as she is single, she can do whatever she wants. As adults, we should be able to handle someone saying they aren't interested.brbrThere are probably many reasons why she does what she does. Likes attention, is sometimes interested but very picky, is simply playing the field, and is too nice to say no. Probably all of the above.brbrI have to be honest, I wonder why it bothers you. :-) I am very good friends with one of my ex-girlfriends (who I dated for four years). She is an absolute 10. But we are not good together. She and I hang out rather often, and she does enjoy making some of my exes jealous.brbrBut, for example, this weekend we went to a big crawfish boil benefit concert event. We were drinking quite a bit together, and there were about a dozen guys around her at all times, asking her out, asking for her number, talking her ear off. I had to have been asked twenty times if I was her boyfriend, and I could overhear the other guys constantly making comments about me, wishing I wasn't there and whatnot.brbrAnd after a few hours, I decided I wanted to walk around and hang out with some other people. I asked her if she was cool hanging out with the crowd of testosterone junkies surrounding her, and she said yes.brbrSo, I ended up meeting a cool girl over in the VIP tent, and spent the rest of the evening and eventually the night hanging out with that girl.brbrI didn't care what was going on with my ex, as long as she was safe and enjoying herself. So, if you don't mind me asking, why does it BOTHER you. I would think it is amusing, or maybe roll my eyes. Unless she has done this to some of your guy friends.brbrI am not trying to bust your chops, just curious!
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 May 2011):
 She could either be being obnoxious, or she could be giving them a chance. Blowing them off is one thing, but agreeing to a few dates could be her just wanting to give a guy a chance for having the courage to ask her out.
But if she purposefully contacts them just to blow them off, she's just being downright mean. She's hurting other people just to bolster her ego and that's just wrong.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (24 May 2011):
She knows exactly what she's doing, and it's not very nice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, a lot of different answers here. Thank you guys.I would like to clarify one thing though since it came up a few times. When i said she goes out with these guys a couple times then dumps them, it is not like she is testing them out to see if they are dating material. like i said, she is not interested in them romantically. she is just going out with them, well, I am not sure why entirely. maybe to get a free meal? or to share some company. but not for romantic interest.As for her romantic life, she says right now she does not want a boyfriend. it is true as one person said, she is beautiful so she can afford to be picky. the thing is, the guys she gives her number out to or her email are not looking for friendship! and she is...or, truthfully, i am not sure what she is looking for. but she keeps giving her number and email out just the same. and if a guy is persistent enough she will go out for dinner or coffee.anyhow, thanks again for all your replies!
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (24 May 2011):
There is nothing wrong with her being friendly. There is nothing wrong with her enjoying a conversation, and then giving a guy her number so they can possibly have another conversation, to get to know one another a bit better. There is nothing wrong with her going out on a few dates to start to get to know someone better, even if she then decides at that point she doesn't want to date them, and ends things.
It is true that guys might have a certain expectation, but she does not need to conform to their expectation, she just needs to be honest with people. She is entitled to give a guy her number to get to know him a bit better, even if it doesn't lead to anything. If a guy has a great conversation with her and gets her number, and then it doesn't lead anywhere, that's life, and he will get the message. It is ok for her to be friendly, even if other people have different kinds of expectations.
I would agree that it would be best, if she doesn't have any interest in a guy, when he asks for her number, to say that she isn't really interested in dating but that she is enjoying the conversation they are having in that moment, but it isn't always easy to do that in certain circumstances. However, she sounds like the kind of girl who genuinely likes peoples company, and is happy as you say to go for a coffee, and that she actually takes the time to get to know people a little deeper. This is a better way to go about things in my opinion. She might meet a guy that she isn't that interested in, but after meeting him a few times, sees that he is actually a great guy and that they have a deeper connection. That is a better basis for a relationship than meeting a guy out and giving him her number because she fancies him, which is what most people do and which is the norm. In that regard, it is better to do things the way she does, than to conform to social expectations.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011):
She should be honest. Otherwise, she is getting their hopes up only to dash them.
There is something you said which confuses me, though, which is that sometimes she will go on a few dates with them. If that is the case, then she really is giving them a chance and there is nothing wrong with that. However, if she really has no interest in seeing them again then she should politely decline.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 She's naive, and a c¤¤ktease. Excuse the language. I too get annoyed at girls like that, but there's worse out there. The ones who think they are just being friendly while they are in fact doing heavy flirting. It is quite obvious if a guy wants just friendship or more. In fact, it's as easy as this: single guys talking to a single woman is flirting. A taken man or woman, talking to a taken man or woman, is friendly conversation.
Don't bother yourself with getting annoyed with her though. At least she goes on the dates with them, and the guys can take a rejection, although it is mixed signaled.
Just put it down to her being dumb about this.
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female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (23 May 2011):
This is leading on
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (23 May 2011):
Probably she's just being picky. You said yourself, sometimes she'll go on a few dates with them. Some guys probably don't get the number in the first place. Others get the number but don't get a date. Others get a date but don't get a second or third date. Some guy someday is going to be exactly what she is looking for... do you think that she's going to just drop him like a bad habit, because that's what she does? I don't think so. Sounds to me like you think she should wait for every chump to get tired of HER. She's beautiful and can afford to wait for the man of her dreams, and that's exactly what she's doing. In the meantime, she gets the validation of having guys hit on her and buy her coffee and dinners and fall all over themselves trying to impress her. You really can't blame her. I just hope she's smart enough to end up with a real man instead of a badboy jerkoff.
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (23 May 2011):
 If a guy asks for her number so that they can take her out for a date and she actually has no intention of going out on a date with him.... then yeah, that's leading the guy on.
If a guy just asks for her number and she gives it to him... then no, how can that be leading a guy on? Giving out your number to someone isn't a contractual agreement stipulating that you're going to date the person you gave it to. It just gives the option of being able to get in contact again...
Leading on, not leading on... meh... that's the dating scene for ya.
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female
reader, Missy00 +, writes (23 May 2011):
 I think that she shouldn't give it out at all. It not only gives the men a wrong impression but also makes her look bad.
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female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Ok now to hear from a woman that's been the polite girl before. Please warn her that being "polite" as she calls it will eventually piss someone off when they realize its just a game to her. She will probally end up with a stalker or minimually in a bad situation if she doesnt start being a little more upfront and honest with these men!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): She's either really stupid and doesn't know what these guys really want or she's leading them on.
It doesn't sound as if she's stupid so I'd say yeah, she enjoys the attention, the game and probably a free coffee.
You're a guy, let me ask you. Do we just go up to random hot girls and ask them for their details with the intention making a new friend? Do we? No we don't. Now she either doesn't get this (that's not unusual) or she's leading them on.
Just tell her this fact, that no guy ever asks out a random woman they don't know for friendship, some guys may say that but you and I both know what the real deal is. See what she says, perhaps she didn't realize this is the case or maybe she just doesn't want to believe it, or she may just like leading guys on.
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