A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 23 year old girl madly and helplessly in love with a 35 year old man who has a 3 year old daughter and an 8 year old son from a 9 year marriage with a 34 year old woman he dated for 5 years before marrying her.i liked him at the word go and so did he. i have been with him for 10 months now and it only gets worse. i have never cried so much nor have i ever laughed more. he completes me in every manner. he say he'll never leave her and he will let me go. my heart says i will marry him someday. the mental and emotional stress is killing me. i would have left him if i could have. i have tried too many times. i need guidance, should i follow my heart and leave it to destiny..................................
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Wow, you sound like you're in bad shape. That is usually a sign of a lousy relationship.
This guy is a total loser and I think most people have told you the same.
Just go cold turkey and get over him and stop interfering in another relationship, what you are doing is very wrong and you are the one who will be most hurt by all of this. This will come back to haunt you if you waste any more of your youth and beauty on this idiot.
Tell him to leave you and that you will tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): People laugh and cry a lot when they drink alcohol to excess. They laugh and cry a lot when they respond to drugs. They laugh and cry a lot when they are in the middle of intense physical sensations, enhanced by adrenaline. They laugh and cry when they gamble high stakes. They laugh and cry a lot if they hit others, or are hit. They laugh and cry a lot if they make an object out of another lover, or become an object themselves. You are in an abusive relationship. You are abusing your emotions. You are abusing your chance at a decent future. You are abusing your hold on reality. You are abusing your sense of self, your sanity, your understanding of what is right and wrong, what is sacred. How much more abuse do you want to take? Get help. Get out. Get free. There is nothing for you where you are but a black abyss of hopelessness, into which you will peer, hoping to see the sun come up. The sun's rays of warmth and love cannot be found and felt by looking into a black hole. It's time to change the game plan. If you can't get out on your own, get help. Get a counselor, get a parent, get a friend, get a GRIP. Your life will be forever saved, or lost, at least a significant portion of it, by the decision you make here. You will feel the impact and the reverberations of this decision down through the years. Do you really want to answer to your future by incurring such losses now? You cannot afford what this relationship costs. It is emotional and spiritual bankruptcy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): You're not helpless take some responsibility. He's never going to leave his wife. He doesn't love you. Why do you want to be with a cheat? It's your choice but if you carry on you'll just get more miserable and will never be with somebody who actually loves you. You're an adult it's time to act like one and stop making excuses.
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female
reader, altered  +, writes (17 February 2011):
"i would have left him if i could have"You still can. You are not chained to this man or this life. Reinvent yourself. Leave the area if you have to. It has been said of cheaters "if they do it to their wives/husbands GF/BF, then they will do it to you too.Besides, as everyone else (including him) clearly pointed out:"he say he'll never leave her and he will let me go"In his eyes, YOU are disposable. His wife is not. What will you do when she finds out (and she will) and he tells you it is over because he wants to mend his marriage and prove to his wife that she is his everything?Either way, you will ALWAYS be on the losing end of this "relationship".Cut the cord now, leave those "what if" questions up to destiny and leave with at least a scrap of your decency and pride intact.And then learn from this painful lesson.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Had a very similar experience. Managed to fool myself for years. Walk away from it. You are simply worth more than that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Like all the posts here say - he's married and has told you there is no future with him. He is using you and you need to end it. You can never be happy in this relationship. No matter how much you love him you are going you have to walk away. Find someone who is free who you can build a life with. You talk about destiny - give destiny as chance and you will meet someone who is right for you
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female
reader, snowqueen +, writes (17 February 2011):
You know you should leave him, actually them... you know you want to, but don't know how, because you are so attached to the illusion that he's a perfect man for you. You know you're just under a love spell and don't see him as he really is. He does not care about you because he does not care about your future. He is consuming you and using you. That's what makes you cry cause you know it. It is hard to leave, I know, but you have to. Don't say anything to him at first, but start going on dates, seeing other people, hang out with friends more, start breaking away and start seeing that you don't need him. Don't drag it out, he's not worth your tears. You may miss meeting the one who is trully meant for you while you are wasting your time ridings that stupid roller coaster. Time to walk away. You can do it, you have to. Keep us posted !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): oh please just put yourself in her shoes....look he is obviously a cheater and he might cheat on her again bt dont be the one who commits this crime with. please think again you are young .....and i want you to know that i usually say go for it....do it....be your self....bu this is toooooo much.....i know you cant leave and most probably yo will cay all nights long but after a while you wil find out that you did the right thing....
just STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Oh sweetheart. I understand where you are. I truly do. I fell in love with a married man once. I didn't want to, he was just around me all the time. He felt like my soulmate. I never felt a love like that in my whole life. It went on for a long time without turning in to an all out affair... but eventually it did. Neither one of us felt right about it so that part ended fairly quickly. But it took forever to get over him. I still think about him sometimes. I know he loved me. But looking back now, I wish i had walked away from day one. I suffered so much pain.
When you love someone and you can't be with them, whether it is because they live far away or are unavailable for whatever reason, it's just torment. Forget the morality... it's a living hell for YOU. Your heart says you will marry him someday, because that's the dream your heart has. I wish it could come true, but life is so much more complicated than that. Right now, the mental and emotional stress IS killing you. And you deserve better. You deserve a love that IS THERE FOR YOU. And a lover who chooses you.
What finally helped me walk away was to realize that he didn't choose me. He could have, and he didn't. I know what the heart wants is powerful, but ask your heart this... what about me? Aren't you more important to love than a man who doesn't choose you? Choose yourself. I know it's hard, but in time you will heal and move on. You deserve a man who loves you and is there for you and is available to you when you need him.
If you stay in this situation, you will just continue to suffer. Find the strength to let go.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2011):
 If you are willing to take the sloppy seconds and all the crap that goes with an illicit relationship then by all means follow your heart. And when you are old and gray, you'll be looking back on a wasted and empty life. Your choice.
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female
reader, Sabrena  +, writes (17 February 2011):
Why want someone who cheat on his wife and children arent u scared he will do that to u too because he would even though u r lucky he is not pursing to marry u so u probably wont go through the hell that poor woman went through. His finaly doing the right thing so let him. There is too many fishes in the sea and alot of men who are single with no bagackage so go on get urself a nice catch someone who doesnt believe in CHEATING. I wish u the best of luck and no am not blaming u for being or dating a married men they r trully liked by many woman as u always hear the good ones are taken. Also if u really love him like u say than let him be happy as we all know when you love someone their happiness means the world even if its not with you.
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female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (17 February 2011):
"I would have left this man if I could" - well let me just say, you can do anything if you put your mind to it!!
You have been seeing this man for 10 months, he has told you he won't ever leave his wife and children - isn't that enough evidence for you to realise that he is never going to give up that for you.
Like someone else has said, this guy is having his cake and eating it. He has the nice home life, and no doubt sex with her too, then he comes to you for the extra bit of topping. Surely you are worth more than this m'dear, retain some self respect and harden up. You CAN get out of this pickle, you just need to start facing facts that you do not have a future with this man.
It will be hard initially to get over him, he is a habit, and like any habit, takes a while to get used to not doing/having. Time is the only healer, but I know, once you have moved on you will look back and realise you made the right decision.
Don't make do with being second best we are all worth more than that.
Good luck! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Hello my dear,Love blinds us completely but please try to put yourself in his wife's position. Imagine you as his wife and him having an affair with another woman...10 years younger than you are. You and this guy have three kids and what you thought was a fulfilling marriage life together. How would you feel if he told you that he's having an affair with another woman or even worse, you find out yourself that he's having an affair with another woman that's quite younger than you? Really put yourself in those shoes because that may be you one day if you do in fact get married. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It may not be early on in the marriage, but maybe a little later in life...a few years after having a kid or several kids down the road. Would you be okay with it? On top of it, how does it feel to be "the other" woman? You are "the other" woman even if you don't think so. Even though you say he completes you and he feels the same way about you, he has said he would never leave his wife and would in fact leave you. What does that say? Can you honestly look into the eyes of those children and say that their mom and dad divorced because of your and their dad's selfish wants and needs? I know I couldn't. I am not going to end a marriage due to my own selfish needs. I don't think so. If I'm going to meet a man, he would be very very divorced for years .. at least 5 years or more .. and that he is free to be with me. He has no ties to any marriage or another woman and wants to be with me and only me. This man sounds rather more like trouble. I know I don't want to be with someone that's married and wants to have some "time" with a single woman who may be very much available for my loins. I know that's rather harsh, but that's what it may be and sweetie, this guy says he would let you go cause he is going to be married with this woman no matter what. He's trouble and you don't want that. The best thing to do, and this is hard...but you need to do it...is to let him go. You need to in order to find peace in your heart. It's hard and painful and yes you will go through a lot of "what if" or "doubts" but if you want to be free of him, then you need to let him go. You most likely are intelligent and caring and beautiful because this man found you attractive. If that is so, I know you will find someone so much more charming, loving, caring, compassionate, and the man thta you can grow to love and someone to grow with and laugh with and form a relationship that's so much more fulfilling. It's not an easy road, but if you want it it wil happen. The man you will marry is not tied down to another woman nor is married nor is just wanting to have sex. This man will find you fulfilling in every way. I know cause I went through the same thing. It seems like no there isn't anyone out there for me but him...but sweetie, there is. You have to put it up to God or a higher power and let it be. There is someone out there for you who is so much more the man for you. There is. You are a good person...it's a new year to grow and mature and be the person you were meant to be. : )
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Hi 23 year old girl. I agree with Jmtmj, you would be pursuing a futureless affair.From what I know, men never leave their wives (unless they are married to a complete witch)for their mistresses. I say try to enjoy his company for as long as you can but at the same time try to (gradually then) detach yourself from him emotionally.You love him, I can understand that but try to stay focussed on reality and see that the possibility of him leaving you is very real. Sorry for the negative response cos I'm sure this is not easy for you.
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female
reader, blueclover +, writes (17 February 2011):
He told you 'he'll never leave her and will let you go.' There is your answer. He is not yours because he has children who need their father and a wife/mother who needs a husband. Your heart is hurting and it's probably not going to stop hurting until you move on and find someone available to love you full time. And exclusively. Sorry hun, this man should never have done this to you or to his family. You are 23 and have a full life ahead of you. You will find love again and you will probably look back and realize that leaving this man was the best thing to do.... good luck
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (17 February 2011):
 "he say he'll never leave her and he will let me go. my heart says i will marry him someday"
That's pretty clear cut and I hate to say it but your heart can tell you whatever it wants, fact is that he's basically said that you two can never be. It sucks, but that's life :(
The longer you try clinging to an impossible and future-less affair with this man in the hopes of winning him over, the more you're just going to torture yourself.
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