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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Guys, I need your opinion here.I am (what people say is) an attractive, tall slim brunette. I have only been with the one guy in my life and I put everything into our relationship. I was open, honest, trusting, always cheerful and fun to be around.. I have a witty sense of humour too! I was the sort of person he could feel comfortable opening up to.. and proud to take out in public.. as I had no alcohol issues.. and I'm just generally a nice girl. Not many around like us.. but I can safely say I have lived a saintly life and never hurt a fly. Oh, and I also spend lots of time doing volunteer work.. but let my bf know everyday that he was the most important person in my life. He knew how loved he was.So now I've discovered for 2 years, this guy has been having an affair with a girl who is nothing like me. I keep staring at photos of her and NOT just judging her appearance, but looking at the things she enjoys doing in her spare time.. I'm just confused! She enjoys drinking excessively.. clubbing.. parties. She's fat and looks like she's never exercised a day in her life. She LOOKS like a dirty slag with the way she dresses.. with her bra always hanging out of her tops.. and wears clothes multiple sizes too small. She lives the night life.. but doesn't have much interest in spending the days at the beach or taking long walks.. the sorts of things me and him used to do together. I was affectionate with him.. but in EVERY way. I was always cuddling and kissing him. By the way she dresses and composes herself.. she just looks like the sort of girl that would jump in the sack as soon as a guy looked at her. I couldn't imagine she'd be the kind to be tender and loving like I was. I was wondering why a guy would leave someone like me for someone like this? He couldn't take her half the places he used to take me.. she'd either get totally smashed in front of his parents and make a fool of herself.. or she'd be too hungover to spend the day at the beach. I've never seen so many photos of someone DRUNK in my entire life! Lucky I got access to her site.. now I can see just what kind of person she is.It's so confusing. Your ideas would be helpful. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): its a horrible feeling isnt it? i was cheated on by my ex too, we were together for three and a half years, when i found out he was with another woman also and had been for 7 months.she also knew about me, she was married too. at first i hated her, looked for anything bad about her so that i would feel a bit better about myself. as in your situation she was also the opposite of me in alot of ways so it wasnt hard to find what i thought were faults.but after a while it eventually sunk in to me that it doesnt matter who he was with the fact is he was a wanka! he made the decision to cheat on me, he decided that he didnt want to have respect for what we had. he decided that instead of being up front and actually ending things with me that he would just go out there and get abit on the side.and now that they are over and he is telling me how sorry he is and realises the mistake he made and wants me back, i feel great :) of course im over him now.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 People can only see your personality in your writing. Looking down at other people, judging their looks and their lifestyle is not appealing. You say a lot of bad things about this girl, and perhaps that's why many people here felt the need to defend her. Some people can understand how you feel and support your view of yourself. However, I, like others, can only give my opinion based on what you wrote down. You don't sound like someone who would never hurt somebody else. You've said enough things about this other woman and anyone who shares her lifestyle to make me think yes, you do have different values from her. Your boyfriend was wrong, he shouldn't have cheated, but after reading what you wrote I can see why he may feel that you and him are not suited and maybe him and this other girl connect better with each other.
Your ex-boyfriend and you sound like you are very different people. Don't be sad, he's just not the right guy for you. Realise that one day you'll meet a man who you won't have to struggle so hard to please, things will just come naturally.
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 lol, the therapist will tell you that just to get the $$$ from you. But they are great at doing that and doing their job. I wouldnt blame if thats the 'advice' you were given.
Here, you should take sites like these as opinion based only, not as an advice site, even though the words advice are used here. Most people are for real here, but you do get some that are deconstructive and unhelpfull answers (those are the ones you need to be able to iron out).
Everyone has experiences which they can relate to and give you there own opinion to answer your question. The people here will give you their opinions based on the quality of your question or message and the way you express yourself. That is very important in order to recieve good answers. For example here you can see the quality of someones answers by the heart symbol and the amount of questions they have answered.
I'm surprised that the therapist didnt elaborate on that a little more ... But I do feel for you, some posts here were not that positive nor constructive.
I hope you find your solution soon.
Good luck.
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male
reader, madmax +, writes (18 February 2010):
i was on the same boat came over here for a better life been with the x for thirteen years she left me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Thank you Rhythmandblues. I feel like you totally understand where I'm coming from with this. You are right.. I told my therapist about the advice I've received on the site (after posting a question during a week/obsessive moment).. and she agreed it was not productive.. and she can definitely confirm to me that there's no way I am stuck up at all.
There's a difference between being happy in your own skin and respecting yourself and being 'stuck up'. I think people on this site have definitely gotten the wrong idea.
Thank you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): I hear you. This had nothing to do with you or your faults the way this guy did this behind your back with a woman below your caliber.
I understand what you meant and I know that you do not think you are better than anyone, but you appreciate that you are different and have higher standards and moral ethics that are sorely lacking in most of the people alive on this planet today, especially under the age of 50, sorry, but it is true.
People 50 and older were raised by the Greatest Generation or those very close to it, those folks who built this country with their own hands in factories and farms and sacrificed much to fight to defend our freedoms in the World Wars. With them dies a lot of our morals and ethical standards, religous convictions, even common courtesy and good customer service have fallen to the wayside as "old fashioned".
It is a competitive world and you have to learn to have a little thicker skin and not let anyone else define who you are. Refuse to believe what anyone else tells you about yourself including that loser of a boyfriend that you wasted your time on.
From the sounds of it he was emotionally unavailable at the very least and he could be worse and have some characteristics of a pathological individual.
I will leave that to you and your therapist to work out. But know this, those on here who didn't get you, just spoke out of turn.
By the way, if you are in therapy, you really should refrain from going onto advice sites like this to get help. It interferes with the work you and your therapist are doing together. Stick to the hard work of therapy and learn about yourself and how to set clear boundaries which is not the same as being stuck up.
Take care, and be glad you found out about this guys true colors before you married him and if he wants a Jerry Springer type of woman and lifestyle, leave him to it, why should you care?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Wow. I did not expect comments like that. As a girl who is currently seeing a therapist to try and build my confidence back up, I am really shocked to see what so many of you think of me as conceited and that I would consider myself "God's Gift".
I actually had to describe myself to give you an accurate picture. I do actually feel good about having lived a clean life, because the truth is, we all have those urges and opportunities at some point in our lives, but it's the better person that walks away and stays faithful to their partner. THAT'S why I feel good about the person I am, because I'm honest and loyal and I do my best not to hurt other people.
I forgot to mention I also KNOW this girl. I met her during the first year we were dating and she was engaged to an absolute dropkick. For the first year or so we were together, she would text him late at night and he would tell me about it, but over the years I think he learnt to silence his phone and became more secretive about it.
I neglected to say that I have come to the conclusion that she's trash because she not only knew ABOUT me, she actually KNEW me and had met me a few times. She knew I was a part of his life, as I see on the networking site that she knew she was the other woman and she actually got an ego boost about their "secret holidays" together. So in my opinion, I have every right to judge her and with 30 photo albums on her page, there is only 2 photos where she's not absolutely drunk and merely just a few messages on her wall where she's not discussing a hangover.. so I don't think I'm being too shallow in judging her for what I know.
Part of what frustrates me is that I enjoyed going out to the clubs and having a couple of drinks, but my bf never wanted to go out there with me and claimed alcohol "raises your blood pressure and isn't healthy." I wanted to be intimate with him, but he always saw being close to me as a waste of time.. yet I did everything I could to try and see myself in his eyes.. I just felt like I would've turned myself inside out trying to please him at the end, because I loved him so much.
I haven't slept around, I've always maintained my standards.. and I love the simple things in life. If to you that means I'm snobbish and self-important, I'm shocked.. I am proud of having standards, as not many people seem to these days!!
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male
reader, Griffo +, writes (14 February 2010):
No no no your not on yourself. It's him he's the idiot who is being stupid. He'll soon realise in time. But all when it's far too late. You should love yourself before you love others and thats obviously what your doing.
It's his loss. Move on and forget his sorry ass!
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female
reader, heather016 +, writes (14 February 2010):
why wasting your time for someone who doesnt appreciate you? you're an attractive, slim brunette.. i'm sure you can get some other guy by just a lashes-bat...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Hi there, I'm sure you are very nice but you do sound as though you consider yourself a bit superior. Everyone has faults and you are not perfect, nobody is, as some of the other posters have pointed out. That said, he could have worked with you on this fault of yours and I am sure he has faults too which you accepted and worked with. He might bave felt under pressure to be perfect and just went off with someone who he feels down to earth and more comfortable with. You are not better than her, just different and so maybe you and he are not compatible. He sounds like an immature ass. Maybe you mask your own insecurity underneath a superiority complex. This girl is probably rebound fun for him and will burn out. Try to be a bit more down to earth without lowering your standards if you take my point ... Maybe you are a higher calibre than him and maybe he was punching above his weight with you in which case he might have realised it and just buggered off with someone more compatible but the way he went about it was cowardly and immature. All the best. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): To be honest, it sounds like you're a bit full of yourself. Maybe he wants to be with someone a little different, with a little more edge who doesn't think they are gods gift. Get over yourself and he might come back.
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male
reader, Griffo +, writes (14 February 2010):
This is a real shame! this guy has not let go of his immature childish youth, it does happen. has he ever taken drugs? Fair enough, that we all do the party scene in your youths up untill its 25. But in the latter of our twenties its sort of entering into uncool grounds.
It really seems to me this is a sign that he is not growing up and unfortunatly for him but fortunatley for you, you are. If he is like that, then he does not deserve a woman like you. lol he will seriously be kicking himself in a few years because a woman like you is as rare as hens teeth and smart man would sit you on a mountain and build three rings of water around that mountain so he can't lose you ;)
I think he knows your a great woman and he probably thinks he can have you later after he plays with this other girl, but this is upto you. you can move on and find a guy who is like minded and deserves you. you will be much happier in time.
I know its hard but seriously its his loss and you really do deserve better from someone. You are a golden fish in the sea of many boring grey ones like this other girl is (a grey fish). and this guy is about to lose that golden fish.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): You ex was a cheater and not a good guy in that sense. But you didn't ask why did he cheat, or why would he cheat on you. Because basically, thats a flaw with him. But your question is: Im better than her so why would he want her. Why leave someone like ME ('cus you're Gods gift to earth) for someone like HER (what a slut she must be).
Thats what I read into your question. What you have to realize is that even though you do not have to like her, and all of us can fully understand why you want to feel hatred for her, she is the other woman after all, she's not "below" you. You come off as very snobby. This girl sounds like she knows how to enjoy herself, and maybe your ex just liked her personality and her lifestyle. Maybe your ex isn't really looking for a girl he can introduce to his parents, or take to the beach (you sound high maintenance btw), he just wants a girl that he can have fun with.
You present yourself as top notch, but for him maybe you were just too much and like I said before, high maintenance. This is what your ex might have seen (not excusing his cheating, but maybe explains why he went to this other girl over you) You don't drink= stuck up and dont know how to have fun, you don't relax= always too worried about looking your best at all times, you didn't have the same interests as your ex (and this new girl might) you're always volunteering or working hard I bet= trying to impress someone instead of relaxing and having fun, looking your best at all times= high maintenance and snobby.
If he went for someone very different from you, maybe you were not his type of girl. Im not saying your type of girl is bad, I am sure there is a guy out there for you too! Someone to love for all the great things you are. But please do not think that you are better than others, that way of thinking can make anyone ugly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Hey the exact same thing happened to me. None of us are perfect but I am considered to be overally a good 'catch' etc .. I have my faults like anybody but I was good to him etc etc .. Now he has decided after 5 years to go off with someone awful .. she is rough, racist, stupid you name it .. A lot of men/male friends that I know say things like 'he is stupid' or 'he is mental' and 'you can do better anyway'. Sounds like there are a small minority of men who are too stupid to see what they have. Personally, from my own experience, I would say don't hang around hoping for him to come back .. he might always be like this, looking around outside. Even if he was bored or whatever (not your fault) he should try and look at this within the relationship - all relationships can get a bit routine especially if peoplea are working/studying/tired etc .. and some men are stupid and think it should all be one big excitement the whole time. He thinks the grass is greener but sometimes over the other side there is quicksand and dogcrap in that grass....so let him go find out for himself. Some men are attracted to the muckier side of life. You can find yourself a nice guy with some decency who will actually complement you more appropriately in the long run. And please don't even think about trying to be more like her just to compete. Keep your own standards and dignity. I'm sorry you had to experience this I know it isn't nice .. I was so upset when it happened to me but now a big part of me is actually glad he went off with her and to be honest I would rather be single than be with someone who is going to cause me to question myself and be confused and miserable. Maybe you just aren't compatible and that is NOT a reflection on you ... he is an idiot, as many other guys will tell you! Good luck x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): ok, hardcore truth coming. A man will leave a VERY attractive, higher class girl for someone of considerably less appearance and class if the sex is that much better. If this girl is a absolute porn star in bed, he probably doesn't care if she is a 4 on the 1-10 scale, men will leave a 8-9 for a 4-6 if the girl rocks their world.
I don't mean to sound pig-ish or perverted but that's the cold hard truth about most men. I would speculate that is EXACTLY why he was having an affair rather than just leaving. He got his emotional and mental needs covered at home with you and his sexual needs covered with her.
Again, I don't know (or need to know) sexual details, but that's what it sounds like to me. Emotional/mental/loving needs from you, sexual needs from the trashy super slut. He's not a male chauvinist pig or anything, as weird as it sounds, he probably really cares for you, but just has some higher needs.
My advise....if your still with him....rock his world one night. make a ton of noise, go down on him till he begs for you, start out on top, tell him you want it again after its done, etc, etc,. An attractive girl can NEVER be too expressive in bed!! See what happens, I promise you he'll cut off communication with the super skank. Why? he would rather get what he wants from you than someone that looks/acts like that. If your not still with him, it's something to keep in mind for your next relationship that you WILL have very soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): My heart really does go out to you. This is an awful situation to find yourself in. You must be angry, confused and deeply, deeply hurt. No-one should have to feel what you're feeling, and go through what you're experiencing. I believe you when you say that you've tried as hard as possible to make this relationship work - your message has a tone of absolute disbelief that this has happened to you that is the unmistakable sign of someone who has tried, and tried, and tried.
However, I'm going to tell it to you straight, because I think you need to hear it. I'm sorry if it comes over as harsh - it's a hard lesson, but I hope it will help you to accept the situation and move on.
Basically, I think you're placing blame in the wrong place. Instead of blaming your boyfriend for being unfaithful to you (which is the REAL issue here), you're criticizing the woman he's cheating with, and comparing yourself to her. That tells me one thing: this breakup has made you feel deeply insecure. You feel like your boyfriend has judged you and found you wanting. So you're shoring up your self-esteem by looking at her website and criticizing everything about her. And your critique is self-righteous to the point of desperation: you're not really trying to work out what went wrong between yourself and your boyfriend, but simply hitting out at the new object of his affections. You've only seen a picture of this girl, but you've decided she's an alcoholic, promiscuous, and badly behaved. How could she possibly compare to you, the caring angel with the 'saintly' life? (Think! Do saints REALLY use the word 'dirty slag' about people? Are they judgmental like that?)
However, don't feel bad for doing this. The impulse to attack the other woman in these situations is deeply natural, and deeply ingrained in women. But it's also the same impulse that keeps women disempowered in relationships (and also in the workplace). Instead of placing the blame where it belongs - and that's at the cheating MAN'S door - we lash out at the girl in question, in a deeply unsisterly way. We become so distracted by bitching at each other that we forget the real issue - which is the appalling way that we've been treated by the guy we trusted, and the dreadful return he has paid to all our care and love.
Here's the thing about injustice: it's NOT FAIR. It's not fair that you've been treated this way. It's not fair that he cheated. It's not fair that he returned all your love by trampling on your feelings. It's not fair that he found and fell for someone else. Accept this basic fact: his behaviour is NOT a reflection on some failure in your personality or behaviour. It's nothing more than a sign of his own pathetic weakness, insecurity, and lack of ethics. You therefore do NOT meed to compare yourself to his other woman, nor do you need to criticize her lifestyle or looks. You are not in competition with her for this guy - because why would you want him now that you know what he's really like? You are a bright, good, vibrant person with so much to give to your partner. The last thing you need in your life is some worm who can't keep it in his pants, and who doesn't have the courage to come and talk to you about any relationship issues that exist before hopping into bed with someone else.
Hopefully, once you recognize (at a deep level) the essential injustice that has occurred here, you will also be able to accept the situation more - realizing that you bear no blame for what happened, and that you do not need to change. That should help you to find another guy - someone who shares your viewpoints, appreciates your intelligence, and values your love and attention. Good men do exist! Don't let a bad 'un change you.
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reader, Gridrebel  +, writes (14 February 2010):
 Sometimes after people hook up and have been together for a year or two, one of them might realize there is no spark or they're just not that in love with the other person. The person stays in the relationship because it is just easier. It sounds like you have been together for some time so weren't you curious that ya'll weren't married? Since he has been seeing both of you for a couple of years, he was figuring out who he wanted to be with. Sometimes people just don't click. Even if you felt okay, he didn't. I agree with Rhythmandblues2. Move on and find someone that lights your fire and vice versa. Be happy and consider it his loss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I think you were 'too perfect' 'too good' and I don't mean this in a horrible way its almost as if he had to rebel. Perhaps this girl and her approach to life is the rebel side of your guy - the side he had lurking beneath - and she offers him some kind of escape from his normal life - a fantasy of..well getting drunk and being an idiot. He can't think much of himself actually if he likes to be with someone who has no interest in life other than alcohol - so maybe he has problems of his own. They are NOT yours to solve or fix or forgive. You could spend hours wondering and beating yourself up. Fact is, he has cheated and not just a one night stand either. Would you feel any different if this girl was stunning, intelligent and a bit more like you? Feel worse? Not as bad? The best way to get through this is to maintain your dignity, avoid becoming obsessed and carry on the way you have been - living an honourable life that is wholesome and good. That way you will attract another man who is honest. If you let this break you down you will fall into the pit that this other woman has clearly got herself into - self loathing and low self esteem. C'mon you are better than that. Rise above it. One thing that is certain - you are absolutely better off without a cheat. Better your found out now than got married, had children and then this happened.
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female
reader, veronika +, writes (14 February 2010):
 Wow, check your privileged attitude. You're not better than anyone.
I'm not condoning his cheating behaviour - I hate cheating - but generally people cheat for certain reasons, and one of those reasons could be that there was something lacking for him. I find it very hard to believe that you are actually as perfect and amazing as you say you are.
Why don't you talk to him about it instead of attacking the person he cheated with? For all you know she mightn't have known he had a girlfriend. And the way someone dresses isn't actually an indication of how they are in the bedroom, so even if she dressed "badly" or in clothes that are revealing or too small, it doesn't mean she's "easy".
If it's already over between you and him, it's over and you can either ask him about it or get over it. Again, I'm not saying what he did was right - but if it's over between you two, then dwelling on it and bitching about the other woman is completely counterproductive.
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (14 February 2010):
 its the 90-10% rule he was getting something from this other woman you werent giving him he left 90% for 10%,but attraction is not just physical hes attracted to this girl for some reason and it may be easy for him to be with a physically unattractive girl that likes doing things he likes because he also has a very attractive woman. any way you will your self gray focusing on this.
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reader, Jmtmj +, writes (14 February 2010):
 Why would Hugh Grant fool around with the prostitute Devine Brown when he had the incredible Elizabeth Hurley? Because he could and thought he would get away with it? For a cheap thrill, the danger element, boredom, variety? Who knows? maybe when you have the best of everything in the world and you want a change, you can only go down.
Don't compare yourself to this girl, she was just a cheap thrill. If it makes you feel any better, your guy, (like Hugh Grant), will be kicking himself soon enough. So go out and find yourself a guy who will appreciate what he has.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): congrats on the high opinion of yourself. she sounds like she might provide a funner lifestyle than you do. your take on life sounds boring compared to hers. i'm sorry. i'm not trying to be rude, but she is enjoying her life and you are perhaps keeping appearances. she's 'fat' amongst other things...not all guys are strictly attracted to slim girls. she goes clubbing and partying...not something that many guys aren't into. you boyfriend was dishonest in living a double life, but he was probably seeking something you two don't have in common, and in expressing that side, he was at least honest to himself. fun vs. being perfect and doing the 'right' thing all the time...
but before i can seal what i've just said above, i also have to say you are assuming too much from her pictures. you are using a social network such as fb i assume...well, how do you know how socially inept she is? so, she parties...does that really mean she wouldn't know when she should be sober (such as meeting his parents). do yourself a favor and don't assume too much about anyone. move on from this tragedy and try to better yourself as you can and try to find someone else who shares your enthusiasm for the 'angelic' life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I don't know about your boyfriend, but you sound like the kind of girl every guy should want. I see myself much as a male version of you, but it didn't keep my wife from leaving me for an alcoholic. I don't blame myself because I did what I could and it sounds like you have no reason to blame yourself either. I can't imagine doing what he did. I have no doubt that he will eventually regret it, but I would encourage you to move on with your self esteem in tact knowing that you deserve better. It hurts, I know, but things will get better... just stay selective - there a some good guys out there. Good luck.
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male
reader, HarryFlashman +, writes (14 February 2010):
I think you may have answered your own question: she's different. Maybe he was bored. (This happens -- no matter how fabulous you are, guys can become numb to the great girl they have and long for something different. Totally crazy but that's the human species for you.) Maybe he wanted a "fun-loving" girl who would go get drunk with him. Lots of guys like "dirty" girls, although they often have second thoughts about raising families with them. Maybe ten thousand things. But... does it matter why? His loss.
I think you need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on you. What do you want to do next? Personally, I think you deserve someone a little more faithful, but it's your call.
Don't lose faith in yourself -- you are not to blame here. But you need to figure out what your next step is.
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male
reader, ReturningtheFavor +, writes (14 February 2010):
This is classic case of "The grass is greener on the other side". You treated him like gold and he got comfortable in the relationship and began wondering what else was out there. Its nothing against you I will promise you that. Men are creatures that crave variety in their love life, some men that is a variety of women and sometims thats multiple women at once. The reason he picked her is becuase she is a lot different than you. (Not that you arent good enough or what he wants, but sometimes men wondering what it would be like to have a completely different woman) Its the "animal" in a man coming out. Im sorry that he acted upon this but just know he doesnt deserve you and it had nothing to do with you. Also it sounds like she was easy enough to give him "what he wanted" and that drew him to her. Biggest reason why he did something like this though, is that he is a pathetic excuse for a man. I know that you will find a good man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Why are you comparing yourself to this girl and trying to figure out what she has that you don't as if that is the reason he left you.
The girl is not the issue, it is him. He left for emotional reasons, like boredom, personal problems, immaturity, failure to commit, doesn't want to work on a relationship, looking for something easier to maintain...it could be all sorts of reasons none of which probably have to do with either of you.
He just wasn't into the relationship or into you as much as you thought he was. This does not mean that you are not a wonderful woman as you describe or that you should be somehow different than you are.
Who really cares why he left, only he knows and he probably doesn't even understand it.
Time to put this behind you and get on with your own life and focus on the things that you want to do, put your focus on YOU not on this other girl or on him, it is pointless waste of your time.
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