A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Since I was about 6 years old till I was about 16 years old my step father molested and raped me, it was an every day thing. It finally got to the point were I wouldn't even fight him anymore, I would just let it happen. I finaly got the courage to tell my mom when I was about 9 or 10 and she went into a rage she packed up all of my sister's and my stuff and was going to leave but we were all sitting on the couch and she was still talking to him and she asked me what was she suposed to do... I said what do you want to do and for as long as I live I will never forget what she said to me - she said I want you to say you don't want to go, you wanna stay if he'll promise never to do it again. So being so young and not knowing what to do I said ok and he told me he was sorry and it would never happen again. And it didn't for a few weeks then it started happening again and he would threaten to kill me or start doing it to my younger sister if I ever told on him again but I did. Any way I must have told my mom 6 more times after that and every time she would stay. He never touched my sister thank god, I always tried to protect her the best I could but I never realy understood my mom. Sometimes I thought that she just didn't care or that she was afraid of raising me and my sister alone, I don't know. When I turned 16 I met this great guy who treated me like I was more precious than gold, I felt safe with him so I clung to him, I was with him every moment that I wasn't asleep or in school and 6 months into the relationship he asked me to marry him .Then at 17 2 months after graduating we were married and I am now 23 and have 2 beautiful girls one 4 and one 3 and I am currently trying to deal with nightmares and flashbacks of all that has happened.I have a great husband and he knows about everything and realy he doesn't know how to help but tries the best he can but my dilemma is my mom is still married to the guy and wants very much to be very involved with me and my girls but it's so hard I don't wanna take the chance of him touching one of my girls. Between my husband and them they are all that keeps me sane sometimes. Should I let her know that the only way I will allow the relationship to continue is if she is alone and can see and visit with my kids or should I not let her see them at all. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, original1ny +, writes (10 January 2009):
I see no one has posted here in quite sometime - but, I must thank those of you that did - especially you - annonymous. I recently came out to my mother, about her husband molesting me between the ages of 8-14. She is an alcoholic diabetic and was always either drunk or in sugar shock of some sort. Most of it is blocked out, but I do remember the first and last time it happened to me and a few details in between. I have been living this horrible horrible lie for all these years - I have 2 beautiful girls of my own and just don't want him arund them at all. Now, I imagine I should have said something way back when, abd truth is the longer I waited - the harder it got - But, OH TO NOT BE ALONE IN THIS HORROR OF MY LIFE! Not that I wish it on anyone else ever - but my Mom is still married to this man. At first she acted upset and concern, and just yesterday asked me that he could still at least come to their birthday parties, right? I mean, he is their Grandfather - won't they ask why he's not there? I was floored by that, so devestated - I STARTED LOOKING AND LOOKING ALL OVER THE PLACE FOR ANYONE WITH A STORY EVEN REMOTELY SIMILAR TO MINE!So, as a fellow survivor, and a mother of young girls or even if I had boys for that matter - So, my Mother wants to act like nothing ever happened and stay in her relationship - SO BE IT! I have always lied and been dishonest for all these years just to have any scrap of relationship with her aat all, which meant dealing with him and having him around - BUT NO MORE!!! I finally had enough, so I knew when I told her that she may very well end up chosing to be with him anyways instead of supporting me, but its not just that - instead of her taking a few days for herself, just to be alone with her thoughts and her own issues - I had to make a choice, and a sacrafice. I chose to sacrifice my 'fake' relaationship with my Mom for a real one. Just because she wont be around doesn't mean its the worst thing in the world. She's always going to be my mother - no matter what, she'll just have to do so from a distance. She is obviously going to stay married to this man and has no intention of leaving him, which I never thought she would anyway, I hoped, but never believed it. Thats entirely her choice. I choose to protect myself and my own mental health and well being by doing what I felt had to be done. Not only that, but I Aalso came out to my physician as this explains many of my physical ailments and illnesses which I never even thought was a possiblity. My Father (This was my step-dad who did this to me), My Mother's Mother, my closest friends and other family and will start Therapy in 3 days. By the way, I told my Mom on New YEars Eve - not because I was drunk, not because it was planned - I just didn't want another year to come with the same old same old attatched to it. My daughters and I deserve SOOOO much better than that! I got tired of making excuses to not visit, of having this man anywhere near me or my kids - I only put up the way I did for so long - for her. He never NEVER allowed me to be alone with my mother for over 20 years, so I never had a chance to tell her as they are always together. I KNEW THE SECOND I opened my mouth that I would more than likely never see her again. It hurts, but I'll be ok - I'd rather not see someone that can share a home, meals, and bed with a child molester anywaay. I'd rather be alone than spend time with someone who would really ask if he could still come to my kids birthday party after I told her he molested me when I was about her age (my oldest daughter) - and while he has NEVER been alone with her, never spent the nite at grandmas, whatever - she told me he makes her uncomfortable being around at all - she is simply polite because he is her grandpa and grandma.So, while my Mom drinks herself to the edge of oblivion and forgetfullness - I'll be in Therapy, trying to enjoy my knew found freedom and life where I don't have to hide and lie or constantly explain myself to people who just dont care to understand.Just like you helped me by having the courage to write your question - I have the courage to write my answer and tell you a bit about my situation in the process. 1)LET GO AND LET GOD2)GET THERAPY3)NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU MAY WANT OR HOPE FOR IT - CERTAIN PEOPLE JUST NEVER CHANGE, BUT - YOU CAN!!!!!![email address blocked]
A
female
reader, donthaveone +, writes (24 August 2008):
OMFG, I can't believe this. I can't believe your mom. She didn't do anything to save you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was molested by my father and he won't admit he did it. I told my mom a year ago (17 years old at the time) and I told her if she ever told that I'd kill myself because the shame that comes along with being molested. The sad thing is that when I decided to ask my family for help and some where to live because my mom is on disability.. they would listen and acted like they cared, but they would never call back. All my family has threw me to the wind like I am nothing even those who said that they would always be there for me. I told my dads mother and she told me to leave it in gods hands. If I left it up to god.. he still would have let this happen to me. I believe my grandmother molested my father. I do get horrible flash backs like you do. I have a hard time feeling good in a relationship. I used to freak out when my boyfriends at the time would touch me. I don't know if you ever felt like drinking or doing drugs because what happened to you, but I have felt that way. I have stopped myself so many times. Your a very strong person.. you moved on with your life. I hope I can do that someday.
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A
female
reader, bekah_boo  +, writes (16 August 2008):
Wow, I can understand where you're coming from. My stepdad sexually abused me from the time i was 10-16. My mom had an idea of what happened but my stepdad always told her it was an accident or he did it out of anger when I did something to upset him. He got her to believe I was lying, so when I went to the police when I was 16, my mother turned against me. She thought I was making up lies for attention. She is still married to him, and refuses to acknowledge what happened and our relationship suffers because of it. My advise to you is that you go to the police. Of course it will hurt your mother - but your mom and stepdad both need to be held accountable to what happened to you. I couldn't live with myself if he hurt another child because I didn't turn him in. Let your mother be responsible for her own actions and don't listen to her idle threats. She only wants to keep this dirty little secret hidden for the sake of the fantasy life she has created in her head. She clearly needs mental help and I think reporting your stepdad is the only way you all will get the help you need and very much deserve. If she threatens to commit suicide then get her commited for a 72 hour mental observation at your local hospital. Protect your children and the children in your community by letting his sickness be known to the world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): omg thats terribal, if ur mother neva cared about wat he did 2 u, i would say keep her out of ur life.
It will b hard to deal wit the fact u dont have a mumto care 4 u and ur kids but this is not the kind of mother u should have.
Also u should report that guy to the cops right away and dont eva leave ur kids alone wen he is around.
I hope this helps. :) xox
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A
female
reader, chugach +, writes (22 June 2008):
I am so sorry for what you went through as a child; believe me, I know first hand of what sexual molestation can do to someone's emotions. I am 33 years old, and I was molested by my aunt's husband; whom, both were schoolteachers, and, churchgoers. I never revealed the abuse to anyone, but my late grandmother when I was about 8-10 years old. Blessed my grandmother's heart, she told me not to tell anyone out of fear of revenge from my father. She did not to create hostility in the family. However, as I grew into my adult years; those memories flooded heavily back into my life and created a burden of emotions that were never dealt with. I vividly remember in my late 20's after enrolling in Social Work, that the curriculum constantly talked about sexual abuses involving children. That was when it dawned on me that I now, have to deal with these emotions in order to work in the field. I called my aunt whose husband sexually molested me and finally, told her what he had done to me. She was in some what of a shock! and did not know what to say. I even told my father and other family members as well. My father said that, " I don't know if there is nothing that can be done because it happened so long ago". That made me feel that he didn't care, and as my aunt, she felt the same way, and she currently is still married to him. After revealing this secret, I have isolated myself from my father's side of the family because I feel that they do not care and would like to pretend as though, it did not happen. However, no one in my aunt's family ever trusted her husband and knew that he had issues and stayed away from him as much as possible. Amazingly, later, it was discovered that he had molested his own children, and, supposedly, my aunt knew nothing about, which, I find hard to believe. To be married for 30+ years and not be aware of your husband's behavior seems unrealistic to me. About a year ago I called my aunt's husband and refreshed his memory with the sexual abuse and he pretended that he didn't know what I was talking about and totally blew it off as being absurd". This man is very "arrogant, controlling, and manipulative", which makes it very difficult to determine his true identity. Still, to this day, I live with those memories, but, however, I'm able to function in life and not let it controll my life. I have two children and I am very protective of them, and I always talk to my kids about sexual predators and what their capable of. Not for a minute would I allow my kids to be around this uncle of mine who molested me. I believe by me telling family members later in life can spare another child from going through this. Although, my cousins that were sexually abused by their father; the uncle who molested me, allow their children stay over their parents house, which, I hope he hasn't molested them. It doesn't make any sense to put your children in the hands of someone who you know molested you. I had a conversation with one of the siblings about allowing his daughters to spend nights with their parents without anyone accompanying them. He indicated that his faith in GOD allows him to trust his father, and he didn't feel that his father would ever do it again. Isn't thats like "making a deal with the devil". How can he and his sister be so naive and trusting in putting their children in harms way. I hope my testimony has shredded some light on your worries. Please be vigilant of your children, if you feel that this man will abuse your children, most likely, he will. Go with your heart and don't allow anyone tell you what you should or should not do. You know what's best. Good Luck,
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A
male
reader, JTalbott +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Based on her behavior it is likely your mother also experienced childhood trauma.
Please talk with a professional counselor to find ways to heal your pain and break the cycle of abuse, if not for yourself, do it for your daughters.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I also am in a similar position...I know it hurts, but you have to tell your is mom how you feel and you must not allow your children in the same house with that man! Your mom will not angry at you for your decision, she should be able to understand and if she cannot understand then that means that she does not need to be in your children's lives...I am sorry, but I too have a mother that suffers from this disease of brainwashing from so many years of living with your stepdad's disease of molesting children. In response to this exact question that you are asking about, someone once told me something "You should rather have had no mother then a mother who puts you and your loved ones in harms way." Just think about this and give your mom an ultimatum because nothing...and I mean nothing... is more important than those precious children of yours!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): I am really sorry about your situation, I went through one similarly but my mum never knew about it and it was my step-grandpa who sexually abused me. Please don't let your children near your stepfather, I dunno what to say about your mum but except she was really selfish.
Please do not let your children near your stepdad, a molester and child rapist will always be one. I know how it was, believe me they will move on to another target and if he was just targetting you when you were young, he might now be targetting your daughters as well. They have sick minds, I really know how you feel and your flashbacks and nightmares, I was so traumatized that even now with my own family, I feel I could still hear the door knob twisting at night. Please do talk to someone and reach out for help for yourself and for your children and your husband's sake, you need to heal. It won't be easy but at least now you have the courage to stand up for your daughters and talking about your experiences. I really admire you for that.
Please please please don't let your children near him, it's better that you stay away from them. Actually I am very angry with your mum, she reacted just like my grandma, she slapped me when I told her that my grandpa likes to touch me 'there' and forced me to do 'yucky' things and she called me a liar. So please, don't let your children near them, please.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Thank you so much for posting a follow up; it really means a lot to us to know how things are going with people that we've tried to help.
That was a beautiful answer; your girls are so lucky to have you as their mother, and I am glad to know that you have your sister's support in all this too.
I kind of knew in what order you would put the three on the list and I just want now to suggest something to think about. It was a little bit artificial to put things in priority order but I was hoping you would think about where YOU fall on that list. I'm not suggesting your answer was wrong at all, in fact it is the normal priority, but I want you to think carefully about this. Sometimes in life, there comes a time when YOU have to be at the top of the list. Your mental health and physical safety come first. Not always, of course, but maybe just right this moment YOU should be at the top of the list.
Wait, don't react yet, hear me out. There are times when you need to be selfish, and I think this is definitely one of them.
You put your children first, as I'm sure almost every parent would do; but your girls also have their father to look out for them. They have two parents, and a loving aunt and uncle too. They are pretty well set right at the moment. They are not dealing with major life issues in the same way that you are.
YOU, on the other had, still need to work on your mental health to make yourself stronger and able to deal with #3 on the list, your mother. My guess is that you've NEVER been at the top of anyone's priority list, and it's time for that to change, just for the time being. That's why I'm going to press you to go get that counselor. Maybe your brother-in-law's therapist can assist in this with helping you find a good match for you.
Please think carefully about this and give yourself permission to be selfish about your own mental health; in the long run, it will benefit your girls even more!
In airplanes, the flight attendant always tells parents travelling with small children to put the oxygen mask on themselves first, before putting the masks on their children. There's a reason for that. Think about it...
All the best, I really hope you go get that help and come back here if you need any boosting or borrowed strength, but get that professional therapy ASAP!
Be healthy, and happy; you deserve it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell tisha 1
1. most definatly the most inportant thing in my life is my girls i never knew any thing or any one rather could be so precious to me i chreser them more than my oun life they keep me going through the bad days and make my good days even better i know i have to protect them with all i have i couldnt bear for any thing to happen to them like what i went through i beleve i would kill anyone that laid a hand on them i find myself even keeping an eye on the way my husband plays with them even though i beleve in my heart he would never hurt them but to have been what i have been through i realy dont trust anyone with them.
2. i guess it would be myself as selfish as it sounds cuz i think if i dont get help and take care of myself it will affect me as a mom and as a wife to my husband and they shouldnt have to suffer for things that im going through.
3.my mom cuz i do blame her for what happened being a mom myself i cant understand anyone geting in my way of protecting my girls . eventhough i cant help loving her it doesnt effect my fealings of being betraied by her.
and about my sister she knew everthing even befor my mother .and she wasalways the first to know when it started up again she would even let me sleep with her when he was tring to slip into bed with me . she was always ther for me and still is . so i guess she helped protect me as much as i did her . but she was also young and scared .she has tried countless times to get me to go see a lawyer but i never have . but she is fully suportive of me going to get some help as her husband went through a similar situation when he was a child and has been seeing a couseler for over a year and it has helped him a lot so i know thats what i need to do im just serching for one i feal comfertable with.
but i wanna thank everyone so much for all your advice it has given me a lot of strength to do what i knew i had to do . im going to explain to my mom that she cant see the kids unless its at my house and they arnt aloud to go anywere with her unless i am with her . and unless she is willing to make that effert she will not have a relationship with me or my girls.and my sister feals the same way seeing as to she has a baby on the way also but she is going to have that discusion with her herself .
thanx again
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 "ps to mr vandetta: im not exactly sure what your asking me but if you saying what i think you are i tried to stab him twice and i thought of killing myself several times ecpesualy every time i thought i was pregnant."
What i was getting at was a metaphore.
Would you kill to protect your child?
Would you die to protect your child?
Child are the greatest responcibility in the known universe.
there is no easy way of saying this and from what you responded with kinda conferms it.
your mother was willing to do those things to protect her children.
I hope for your sake, that you are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I wouldn't let either see your girl. As a mother I would have killed that evil man the first time you told me. No divorce not court I would have killed him. If your looking for a mother figure maybe you should spend some time with your husbands mother. I don't know how you made it through that kind of childhood without going crazy. Your a very brave women. My heart goes out to you!
xoxox
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A
female
reader, Jjenniferr +, writes (20 March 2008):
I live with my mother, who had a father who molested her on a daily basis also. When she told HER mother about what was going on, her mother too reacted as yours did. Now that my mother is older, and my mother's father has passed away, my mother (Linda) took the chance to talk about what happened. Linda asked her how she could let such a thing happen. Linda's mother replied, saying she was blinded by love, even though she let it happen. It was like being hypnotized, she said. Now that they are both older, mother and daughter, they can speak a little easier to each other. Her mother did love her and still does. It is not worth never seeing your mother, because when she goes, you'll never have had a chance to have a certain relationship you will have needed in your life. You will want a goodbye in the end. Don't ever let yourself regret. My mother has had 3 children of her own, and is now 68 years old. She is very happy, from what I can tell, and still takes chances to see her mother who is in a nursing home, in another state.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): My heart bleeds for you, you so very much want a mother like every child growing up does but you don't have one. The woman that gave birth to you is not your mother, she wasn't when you were young and needed protecting and she isn't now when your children need protection. You only have the power to change yourself, you can not change your mother, only she can do that. Obviously she is not going to change so you need to ....... step away from the woman who is impostering as your mother. Press charges and put away the man that stole your childhood and who needs to be put behind bars where he can harm no other children. I actually think the woman who gave birth to you needs to be behind bars as well for be an accomplice to this hideous and unforgivable crime that went on under her roof and with her blessing, yes I said her blessing. She provided the children for this man and she is trying to do it again, I have to stop now for thinking about this is making me ill and only you can do something about this. You have much good advice here, now YOU are responsible for protecting YOUR children. Be a mother, not a woman who gave birth.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (20 March 2008):
 I shed a tear reading your post. I really feel a massive amount of empathy for you and hope that you are ok or at least on the road to being ok after what happened to you. Leaving your kids aside for a moment that was an horrific thing for you to go through and for your mother to put him before you is atrocious. I am pleased to know that my mother would literally kill any man that ever touched me like that and would be literally incapable of loving someone who could do that to ANYONE let alone her own child. And my heart breaks that you dont have that kind of comfort and love from your mother.
I'm glad your seeking professional help because nobody could deal with that on their own. The betrayal from your mother must hurt all the more.
I understand why you would want to have a relationship with her, she is your mother after all and the only one you have. But please do not leave her alone with your kids. If you want her to see them I really would advise you to make sure she visits them ONLY in your house when you are present. Dont put your kids in the danger she put you in. I know you are a good person and wouldnt want anyone else to go through what you went to (you did all you could to prevent your sister from going through it so i know you feel even more strongly about protecting your kids) but i can almost guarantee something tragic will happen if this woman and her husband are given unsupervised access to your kids.
Personally if i was you, i would have to accept the kind of mother and person she is and cut her out of my life completely because i just couldnt have anyone who had caused me so much pain or allowed someone else to cause me so much pain in my life. Especially if it should be someone i trusted wholely. You wont have the kind of relationship with her you would like to have and your kids wont be missing out on anything but not having her around, you will be doing the best thing for them really.
But if you do decide to let her be around them, make it blatantly clear that he is not to be near your kids full stop and she can only see them when you are there. She has proved you cant trust her and if she genuinely believes he wont do anything like that again (which he undoubtedly will) she wont see the harm in letting him near your girls, and she wouldnt tell you she had let him near them
because she knows how you feel about it. You are an adult now and its your children, you have to protect them. And if I was you I would make it clear why you are keeping your kids away from them.
All the best with your counselling and I sincerely hope you can draw a line under this and move on with your new family of your husband and kids.
Brooke
xxx
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Reading your follow-up I can recommend only one thing. Go to the police and report BOTH your parents. Kill herself? She doesn't have what it takes or she would have stopped the abuse. Suicide would ruin her perfect image.
She is evil. Not nazi evil, not sadist evil, not movie evil, but pure complete and utter selfishness evil, she will do anything to have her way. She does not care for anyone but herself. People like her could see a baby dying right next to them and would not lift a finger unless it suited their intrest.
The only reason she did not molest you herself was because it didn't intrest her. You got kids, you know what happened, just picture her doing her own thing while you were being raped. What person could? What mother could? Only a person with no empathy at all. No feelings of guilt. A sociopath.
You really have no choice but to break it off now. She WILL one day endanger your kids, all he has to do is say he will leave her and your childeren will be with your step-father and you know what he does.
The longer you wait, the less evidence there will be. She will try to get between you and the kids so she can use them to get what she wants.
I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, your own mother to be seen as a person who cares only for themselves. One of the sad elements of child abuse is that no matter how horrific, the child will still form a bond with the abusers and attempt to defend the family.
You want a relation with her, that is understandable, you are a child she is your mother, but please, she is evil. She will use your feelings only for her own goals.
That is why you need to seek help, so that you can break your dependance on her.
Stop being a victim and take charge of your own life. WHY ON EARTH DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A THING THAT STOOD BY WHILE YOU WERE RAPED FOR 10 YEARS, 3650 DAYS!
SHE WILL HURT YOUR KIDS. Your mother had you raped because she didn't want to give up her lifestyle. Will you allow your kids to be hurt because you don't want to give up your mother.
You seem unable to accept that you were abused by two people. Sexually by your step-father, but for financial gain by your mother. You mom sold you to her husband so she could keep her life "perfect".
You are now dangerously close doing the same. You want a mother and a grandmother for your kids, but at what risk? Your mother could not give up the pretense of a perfect family, can you give up the pretense you got a mother? She stopped being your mom when you told her and she forced you to accept the rape.
Your kids right now are still young, right now you can still tell them whatever you want about why their grandmother disappears. But as I said in my original answer what are you going to say in a couple of years when granma wants to take the kids for a trip? I stayed with my grandparents often enough, great fun, but my grandpa wasn't a childmolester and my grandma not someone who allowed that kind of thing to keep up appearances.
If it was just you I would not be so hard on you, but it isn't just you. Don't become just like your mother, trying to pretend everything is alright while grandma takes the children to see grandpa for a special visit just for the sake of pretending you have a normal family.
May you have the strength to do what is needed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I'm truly saddened about your plight, but it is very simple.
NEVER!!! Allow your children to be in the same house with this man. Regardless of what ever 'guilt' trip your mom puts on you....never ever allow the kids to be alone with her either (I'm just going to the mall with them). Don't blame your mom either for this situation. This man has so much mind control over her it is a shame, but this is more common in America than you realize. I know personally of over 500 cases in the last 35 years. Very very sad situation
If mom wants to see the kids....then she has to come over to YOUR house....ALONE! Or you meet her in an outdoor venue, park, playground or even shopping with you, her and the kids...but never ever with him or with him being nearby
If she cannot do this without her husband...than she cannot do it at all! You have paid the price already and you do not need to pay anymore. If she claims that she will kill herself if you don't agree with her...then so be it! You are not responsible for your mother's actions, but she will lay a true guilt trip on you....DON'T FALL FOR IT! I'm known on here as BADVOICE....Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, yeahsureyoubetcha +, writes (20 March 2008):
 You were victimized by both of the your step dad and you mom. She covered up and didn't protect you from the abuse. Her first instinct should have been to protect you. She allowed it to happen to you again and again. So I think you should be holding her accountable as well.
Not only should you be brutality honest about your children not being around your step dad I would also suggest that they not ever be left alone with your mom. She enabled him to abuse you, she will do it again.
I know this is harsh, but she is as guilty as he is and you need to protect your children. You can not fail your children as she failed you.
I also think you should talk to your sister. Even if she escaped being abused,which i find unlikely, she on some level knows it happened, she may offer a lot of support with the rest of the family.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Someone was right on here. Your mom tried to emotionally blackmail you by saying that if you pressed charges-she would kill herself. She needs to stop being so dependent on him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2008):
Sorry if it sounded like I was shouting at you; I overuse my capital letters and exclamation points sometimes. Could you please let us know in which order do you place the importance of mental health and physical safety for the following people: yourself, your mother, and your children. You can list them as
1.
2.
3.
With number 1 being most important and number 3 as least important.
Thanks for the follow up.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Hi again,
All these men who abuse need to have cover in case they get exposed. So you will find most of them are deeply loved by family , of course not by those who they abuse.
Your mother is reacting the way I thought she would, but you have to put your children's safety above your mother's feelings. It's a no brainer really isnt it.
She is trying to blackmail you into keeping silent. She loves this monster? Maybe you should refer to him as such, that is what he is , he is not human he is a person who creates pain and suffering and he should be treated like an animal if there is any justice in this world.
Your mother can threaten to kill herself all she wants, but your children are defenseless, if you ever leave them with your mother and step dad he will find a way to get them alone - and you don't want that do you?
All I can say is stick to your guns, I disagree with Danielpew, he is right in the fact that it is very hard to prove abuse from so long ago, but it does happen ( you see it on T.V all the time )but at the very least what you will do is expose this monster to the world. He should never be allowed around children ever again, if you accuse him at least parents will be very reluctant to let him around their children, and if there is any justice in this world he will be locked up. But first and foremost he needs to be exposed, there are so many abusers out there who get away with it by building strong family units around them so they can do their evil dudes with relative impunity. They need to be put down like rabid dogs.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 March 2008):
Get to the counsellor FIRST thing! NOW! Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you--you must realize this. You are now in the position of being responsible for your children. Don't allow her to repeat the same mistakes with another generation of children. She chose to allow the abuse, it's time she faced the consequences.
Counselling, first thing! You need to have the strength to face this and you most definitely need support from a professional! Don't repeat her major mistakes, please!
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Poster, I'm afraid that pressing charges wouldn't do much good. I don't know the legal system in the United States, but I know that proving abuse is difficult everywhere. And then he would have the support of your mother. Maybe your sister would side with you, but I doubt that the justice system would do you justice at all.
Even if they did, in my humble opinion, you are first. If I had to choose one thing, I would choose your recovering from this terrible abuse. You mention you tried to kill him and to commit suicide; I'm not surprised. You do need that professional, the sooner, the better.
As Collaroy says in his post, yes, often mothers deny the abuse. I guess this is adding salt to the wound. So, if your mother won't side with you, her daughter, leave her be. Let her stay in her world of denial; just make sure you never have to go back to it. And, of course, don't let your children anywhere near that man.
She tells everyone her marriage is perfect. How much of a facade is that? The bad thing is that it's not even the money that keeps her with him. It's her own problems, that make her stay with him over leaving with you. She knew what she had to do when she packed the things and was trying to leave, that first time. She chose not to do it. If your recovering makes it necessary not to communicate with your mother, so be it. In my opinion, she had it coming. She is more an accesory than a victim.
The sad part is that some times people never change, and it might well mean never seeing your mother again. But you know, hard and all, that's what I would recommend you to do, unless she were alone.
I'm glad to know your sister is out of that house.
You know what? Only you can know what to do. But sometimes the fact that a facade is destroyed is way more damaging than the justice system. What would happen if your family knew what he did? What if HIS family knew it? You can serve your time in prison, and the legal system leaves you alone; but condemnation from your peers never ends. I would consider very carefully the effect on yourself and your children, and, if it made any difference, I would tell everyone what he did.
But, most of all, poster, FIND THAT PROFESSIONAL.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Its probably for the best that you seperate ties for the time being.
What the step-father did to you was inexcusable and one of the most horrific things a human is capable of doing. And for her reasons your mother chose to remain in a relationship with him.
I'm not gonna say you have to talk to them, or him, but you will need to at some point (when you are ready) forgive both the step-father and mother.
All these negative feelings are just gonna keep eating away at you, devouring all that is right and good in you. Forgiving those who have done us wrong (whatever that wrong is) provides relief in that we are doing the right thing no matter what the forgiven do.
Once you have forgiven someone, the burden is transferred off of your shoulders and any and all future relations is instigated by the guilty parties (namely your mother and step-father).
Once more. What has happened to you is devestating and highly unjust. But don't let the circle of pain keep turning because those evil acts have won. Once you allow those feelings to win you over, you are lost.
Hope you find a way to get some peace from all of this.
Tristan
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am currently trying to find a counseler and i have spoken to my mom twice about it and she said that if i make this publice and press charges that she will kill herself and i couldnt live with that my kids love her and that would devistat them .i dont know if she would do it but if i knew she wouldnt i would definatly do it.iv even asked her plain out that if she wats a real relationship with us she had to leave him and she said she cant cuz despit it all she loves him that i cant understand.and she has this thing that she puts on to every one about how perfect her lif is and how perfect her family is and every one in my family adors him so she just feeds off that. and he has always made good mony and im afaid she thinks she cant make it without him so basicaly she choses him ,i just dont know what to do i just want so bad to have a relationship with her and my kids to have one with her. so i dont know what to do about that .but about my sister she is grown,married and expecting a child of her own. but i appreceat every responce to my question its coferting to know there are caring people out there that are willing to help. thax
ps to mr vandetta: im not exactly sure what your asking me but if you saying what i think you are i tried to stab him twice and i thought of killing myself several times ecpesualy every time i thought i was pregnant.
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reader, michellesays +, writes (19 March 2008):
by the sounds of things your mother is a very insecure person and it shocks me that even you still want to have a relationship with her yourself. being a mother now yourself you must realise the lentghs that mothers go to in order to protect their children.i would not let my children near either of them as the risk is too great for your children if your mother could let this happening even after being told by yourself she does not deserve the love and joy you and your children can bring into her life you have your ow family now and your mother made that decision to stay with her partner all them years ago after what happened so must face the conciquences.you didnt so be happy with a life with a new happy family without threat and nightmares for your and your daughters future
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reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (19 March 2008):
I agree with lazyguy. Keep your children away from both your mom and your step dad, and if you have your mom come over around your children, monitor them while she is there. She is mentally off/ill.
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (19 March 2008):
Hi,
I have a friend who is a counsellor and it alarmed me when he said in the majority of the cases the mother disowns the daughter when she finds out she has been abused.
You are now an adult, I agree with the other posters , you need to see a therapist first.
But I would advise more proactive action, you should go to the police station and see if you can find a sympathetic female officer who will listen to you. A lot of people as adults bring their parental abusers to court and they go to jail.
This man is a monster and your mother brought him in the house, you owe nothing to your mother. She will be in denial for sure, but that should only make you more bold to pursue this case. It goes without saying that this evil bastard should have no contact with your children at all.
but seek help and if you can work up the courage go to the police. He needs to be locked up for good.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 March 2008):
I agree with Baby Duck: you need to see a professional to help you with your flashbacks and memories. Some people are able to cope with abuses as severe and prolonged as the abuse you were submitted to, but it seems like you just thought you had no way out and had to form a "crust" to survive. That crust must be cracking now, when you have a family and a loving husband, and it might bring problems. I'm surprised that you don't tell us you have had them by now.
You need to find that help so this abuse won't affect your happiness in the future. It seems you have found the right person to be happy with; don't let that man spoil it. Please, see that professional.
If I were you, dear poster, I would tell your mother that there is no way you're taking your children to her house. She can come to your house if she wants to. Your step father is a remorseless child abuser, and your mother, I'm sorry to say, is not the sort of person you can trust on this one. If I were you, there would be no way your stepfather would get to see the kids. And I would make sure both him and your mother knew exactly why.
What about your sister? Can you get her out of that house, too?
I insist: see that professional.
My heart is with you.
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (19 March 2008):
You are absolutly 100% right not to allow this creature anywhere near your kids. Not in anyway shape or form, ever, under any circumstance.
The following is going to be very harsh, so don't read on if you are not prepared to hear it. But there is a really simple practical reason for it concerning the safety and well being of your kids.
Your mother, she ain't a mother she just gave birth to you. A mother will protect her childeren at all costs. She didn't. She let her own daughter be raped, a fact she was fully aware off and long before you told her (You don't not notice your own daughter being raped in your house, not for the 3 years until you told her) . She let a 6 year old girl be raped to keep her man. She let it continue EVEN after you told her.
What I want to make clear that she is even more of a monster then your step-father, after all he just used A child for his own pleasure. She used HER OWN CHILD for her own pleasure, that off keeping her husband. You weren't raised in the 1800's 10-15 years ago there was plenty of help available for women to runaway. She had no excuse.
I wouldn't trust her for one second around anybodies childeren. She didn't care enough about her own childeren to protect them, why should she care about yours?
Sorry this is an incredibly harsh thing to have to say, but you need to cut her out of your life. She is as much to blame as your step-father for what went on. Say you leave her alone with the kids and your step-dad decides to come over, do you think she will stop him? She didn't with you.
Forgiveness? No, you can forgive her for her actions, and if you want to you can see her alone, it is hard to cut even the worsed parents out of you life, but you have a duty to your kids to protect them a duty she did not so much fail as ignore.
No doubt she will try to emotionally blackmail you, but be strong. Do not allow her near your family.
Why not? Imagine 5 years from now, she is with the kids, she talks about them coming over for the weekend so they can do some fun stuff with their grandparents. How are you going to explain to a 9 and 7 year old that you do not want them to see granddad? Do you want to have to explain to your daughters that their grandfather wants to rape them?
To your kids, your parents are dead, maybe when they are a lot older you can explain why they never got to meet them and if they are fully fullgrown and able to defend themselves they can meet, but not right now.
Do what your mother didn't do, protect your kids at all costs.
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reader, Skeez +, writes (19 March 2008):
 Your mother should have taken a much more serious note about what her husband was doing to you. I know this may sound really horrible and I couldnt stand the thought, but perhaps your stepdad has threatened your mum not to leave or he will do something to her, so shes had to go against her own daughter becuase she is scared of him.
If I had kids I certainly wouldnt have them anywehre near that man. Ask your mum if they can meet you on her own and tell her your worries about him attacking your children.
Your a mother, whos gone through terrible things and its natural you dont want your kids to go through the possibilities that he might do it to them too. Your a good mum to be cautious and you just need to tell your own mum. Also ask her how she feels about being with him, if shes scared of him maybe you can help her too. I know she let this go many a times, but i do believe she is afraid and just needs a supportive family to help her.
goodluck
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reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (19 March 2008):
honestly?
you need to talk to you mum at your house about it.
you're a woman now.
and most importantly. you're a mother.
I once heard a saying , i forget where and who but someone asked a woman "When was the first time you knew you could kill someone"
the women replied " the moment i had my first child"
I'm not going to say your mother failed you as her role of "Mother" and "protector" we all make mistakes. but we are ment to learn from our mistakes... which from what you have told us, she has not. the fact she is Still married to this man after what he has done is inexcuseable and unforgiveble.
your husband sounds like a reasonable guy. personly i would have done away with this step father, but all in all he is there to support you, and i'm surprised he hasn't flowen off the handel.
you asked for advice and here it is.
Tell your mother if she wants a relationship with her grand children she is to be alone. and that he is now even allowed or welcome inside your house.
you're clearly hurt by this. and who wouldn't be and you need to tell her this and make sure she understands.
Do yourself a favor and never ever ever allow him to see your children.. because he Will do the same to them, you know it in you heart he wont change and he can never be trusted.
and in closing i have one question for you.
When did you first realise you could kill?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): dont let them see your children! if they can let that sort of thing happen and act like its ok then dont put your children at risk! if this was me i would completly cut off contact and if your mother wanted to be part of your childrens life then she might see sense and leave him too!
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