A
female
age
36-40,
*ilangel1985
writes:I love my boyfriend hugely and we are engaged to be married. He has two children from a previous relationship ,5 and 4. Though the children are relatively well behaved and love me I find it really difficult to accept. I never want children (though i am not ignorant to say never never!) I cant deal with "losing" time with him to them and have recently admitted to myself that I want to marry him but not his children (especially as his ex is a constant nightmare) how is it best to speak to him..
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engaged, his ex, want children Reply to this Question
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 Kids are a dealbreaker.
If you want kids and he doesn't, the relationship is over.
If he wants kids (or already has them) and you do not want kids, the relationship is over.
There's nothing for you to change, mull over, consider, etc. This relationship is DOA and I suspect you already know that. And if you don't know that, then here is your wake-up call.
A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 More information please!
I think you have to tell us a bit more and make the question clearer before we can give a good answer.
But the fact of the matter is if you knew he had kids when you decided to have it off with him, you can't tell him to choose between you and his kids.
Do you understand? More information is required. Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): you made it this far to the engagement, only to find this out? how was this never an issue until now?you will lose time with him even if you and him had kids together. he can't cut his children out of his life. that would make him a bad parent. is this about his ex? does she use the kids to control him and have him running around doing her bidding? if so then this is a legitimate problem and one that he has to take responsibility for since he's not married to her.or is this about feeling territorial? you're uncomfortable with the fact that there's a huge and important part of his that you're not part of as far as he's concerned? (but someone else - his ex - is)? if so, you should go to marriage counseling to figure out how to work around this and where the boundaries lie.
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A
female
reader, Duckyhelp +, writes (28 June 2011):
 You knew he had kids and accepted him then. You cannot ask him to choose between you and his kids. cause any good father would choose his flesh and blood. You need to see what you want in life. Obviously you dont want kids and his kids dont live with you guys so when you see them its not all the time. You still get private time. If you cannot accept this into your life then you must pull yourself away from the situation. Because he wont choose you over his kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): You can't do much about it. You knew he had children when you met him. You either accept that or break up and be with a guy who has no children. The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 What's there to say that you want to speak to him about? He can't remove himself from the kids you know that. There's nothing to talk about. You feel grumpy about the kids, but this is a package deal. You either get them all, or none.
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A
male
reader, Lobsang Kalden +, writes (27 June 2011):
You say that you really like this guy. Well, prove it. Love does not take in consideration this type of obstacles, it just loves. Those who really love are not concerned about their cut in the deal but only about the welfare of their partner. I myself got together with a girlfriend that had two very possessive teenagers and I thought I was never going to cut it. Boy! was it hard. But, four years later, here I am. And you know why? Because I told myself that if my love for my girlfriend was strong enough then it had to withstand all obstacles: and it has.If you really love this guy, you must make the best effort to accept and love his kids. Otherwise, the problem is not whether or not this is a good situation for you, but rather the problem lies in a type of love that it is not willing to take the extra step. Love always requires the extra mile.Keep this is mind, my friend, those who really love never, never place a 'but' before their loving. And you know what? That which seems like an obstacle now, your love will transforms it eventually in something to your benefit. Just keep loving and love itself will take care of all the rest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): You are clearly at the end of the road with this man..!
You need to except people for who they are and his kids are a part of him, you are jealous of the time he spends with them when most women see that as a great trait for man to have.
He will never pick you over his children and he should never feel that he has to, so walk away. This situation isn't going to resolve itself and your expectations are ridiculous, move on !
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Best to speak to him is:
'I am really sorry but I don't know what it is like to be a parent, at the moment I don't want to be a parent, and certainly not to someone else's kids. I am really sorry. I am not up to being your wife. I am going because you deserve someone who can be genuinely loving to your kids, and who can fully love you - because I can't. I only love you for me, and I can't love the whole of you.'
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (27 June 2011):
 I will go so far as to say you haveno right to marry that man after what you've just admitted. You will ruin those kids, and that would make you an awful person.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 June 2011):
Yep - as the others have said, your relationship has gone as far as it can. His kids are his life, and if you can't accept them, then you're with the wrong man. There is nothing at all that you can say in any way that can make this situation better. Walk away.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave +, writes (27 June 2011):
You can't have your cake and eat it.
If you want to marry him, then his children come as part of the package.
If you cannot accept that, then you need to look elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Amen RA! Poster, you must not make the mistake of marrying this guy. His kids are part and parcel with him. Tough luck for you but they were there first and have dibs on Daddy. If you can't share then you will be doing yourself (not to mention them) a huge favor by letting him go. You will NOT be happy in this marriage anyhow so nip it now.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (27 June 2011):
 You should NOT marry him then. He and his kids are a packaged deal. Those kids are a PART of who he is.
If you can not deal with losing time to them, you are not mature enough for the committment of marriage.
It would be incredibly selfish of you to marry him and expect him to leave his kids out of his life.
Either you grow up and accept ALL of him, or you let him go.
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