A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I want to end my 25 year marriage because my husband and I have grown apart and there is absolutely no attraction in it for me. But I have tremendous religious guilt and worry incessively that God is going to punish me for doing this horrible thing. I was raised in a strict Christian home. No one in my family has ever been divorced. I don't want to jeopardize my faith, and my future in heaven. I know divorce is not an unforgivable sin, but my upbringing has led me to believe I must stay regardless of my feelings. I've tried counseling but I can't seem to feel the kind of love I need to feel in order to stay in the marriage. My husband is not abusive, but is withdrawn by nature, so I've never felt intimately connected to him, like most wives do. The thought of filing for divorce frightens me because I'm afraid I will be stricken with a deadly disease, or end up being all alone for the rest of my life - something that paralyzes me. We have been living apart for 2 years and I am in love with someone else, but I know it's Biblically wrong and I worry that it will be doomed for failure as well. How do I cope with these intense feelings of dread? Other people divorce and go on to have happy lives, why do I feel like there's a mark on my head for wanting to be happy?
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male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (8 August 2007):
Most of what has already been said makes sense. I just want to add to what Taylor Chu said, and maybe with a slightly different spin. Hopefully it helps. Don't jump on the divorce wagon right away, try to work it out first. Give it one good honest shot. If it doesn't work and becomes that unbearable, divorce is there.You may not be told this often, but God wants us to be happy, of course if happiness means without harming someone else. Don't believe me? Well let me put it this way. Does God want you to do good things on this earth? Would God be pleased with you if you made the most of this life and brought happiness and goodness to others? You're answers are probably "yes." So how can you do these great and wonderful things if you are miserable? Can you spread goodness to as many as you can if you are always sad and crying? No, you can't. Of course these words can be twisted into telling you to definitely stay with your husband. This is not so. Yes it will make him unhappy to divorce him, but from what it looks like, he isn't doing much to make you or others happy. Christ lead by example, not force. Not one word in the Bible was written by Him. If someone didn't believe in His word, then He said His piece and moved on and spread goodness somewhere else it would be accepted instead of beating someone over the head with it. If it becomes that unbearable, it would be time for you to let go and spread goodness somewhere else it would be appreciated in this subtle Christ-like manner. You will not be stricken with a horrible disease by God if you get a divorce. You will give yourself a disease if you remain so stressed out from thinking God will take revenge on you or if you continually are stressing out from living in a loveless marriage. This is why I have a problem with the philosophy of "God fearing." We should instead be "God loving." Afterall, if He is all-loving, then why do we have a reason to really fear him? And if God wants us to love Him, then how can we truly do that if we're spending all this time fearing Him? Is forced love really love?Again, I spent a lot of time writing about the divorce, this is for the "what if scenario" and I amnot telling you to go through with it without giving your marriage one more shot.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Update for TaylorChu; This other man I've met, yes he is a Christian. His marriage ended because his wife suffered from terrible depression and wanted out (it runs in her family). She has since re-married but I do not think she is happy there either and probably regrets divorcing him in the first place. They have remained close all these years for the kids and I think she is a intelligent, somewhat driven woman, but she refuses to be on medication for this problem so it continues to suck the energy from her life. I am very close to his family and his kids, as they are all wonderfully bright and caring individuals. I also love the little grandkids (his daugther's three kids). I cannot imagine my life without them anymore. He and I talk about having a future together once my divorce is final and I know he loves me. Right now I just can't seem to get my husband to accept the fact that our marriage is over. He talks crazy sometimes, and I worry that he'll kill himself because he really doesn't have any friends or family as support through all this. I know he loves God but I don't want him to feel like God disappointed him and take his own life. I worry about that alot but I know I can't go back there out of guilt or obligation. So I am just taking it slowly, hoping that he will adjust to the idea and be strong enough to handle it. I know God will bless him with another wife down the road, someone who enjoys staying at home, and doing the car shows and he'll probably look back and realize it was for the best. But he's not there yet and it's a very sad, and stressful time for all of us.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (8 August 2007):
 My heart really goes out to you. I cannot imagine the inner pain you feel with a man who doesn't do anything for you emotionally, physically or mentally. All those are vital in a relationship. It would be great if you got satisfaction doing what you wanted and your husband just be there to encourage you and cheer you on but it doesn't even sound like you are getting that. I can't tell you to divorce him or not. That, of course, is your decision. I find it extremely hurtful and conceited on your husband's part to not want children. That's a crushing blow to a woman who for years dreams of bearing children and being nurturing to them. Not only is not having children selfish it is a sin because God did tell us to have children. I'd say just adopt but it isn't the same as creating a child with someone you love (in the beginning anyway).
This other man in your life, evaluate that friendship. Is he a man of God, does he remain consist in what he says and does? Do you know what happened to his wife or if he divorced under what circumstances? You know not to make a move on him because you are still married but if there is potential to be married to him, weigh it out.
Whatever you do do not give up on God. You pray your prayers because He hears them. You ask within His will (which is the Word), believe you receive it then and there and expect the result you prayed for with thanksgiving. This is with anything and everything. If you make a move and bust out of that marriage then do it knowing that God loves you and NO condemnation will come upon you. Your husband isn't loving you in the way that Christ loves the Church. Seems he is into his own things. If you decide to stay you, scream to God that you have done your best and it is time for Him to do the rest. You can only change you but God can change hearts.
I love you my sister. You are brave, I know you have strength in you and that you will do what is best for your life. Always go with God.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTaylorChu, thanks so much for your godly counsel. You are a bold woman and I appreciate your honesty. My husband I did attend counseling together. We've tried the "date night" thing and I found myself not enjoying his company. He's not much of a talker. I end up doing all the talking and then I feel like I'm rambling. We also do not share the same types of hobbies, foods, entertainment or enjoyment. He's into car races, and car shows. I have attended countless of these events over the years of my marriage and they are just not my thing. They bore me to death. He too has attended art functions, and musical concerts and the things I enjoy, but they are not his thing and we don't either one enjoy doing them so it's hard to say the time has been well spent. We have traveled around the world together, which is probably the main ingredient that kept me there for so long. (That and fear)....but it has become apparent, that I enjoy discovering new places, and meeting new people and it has nothing to do with my traveling companion because when the vacation is over, we are back to our normal lives together and there is nothing satisfying there. We go through the motions but it's not fulfilling. Also, I have wanted children for many years and he did not. I am past the point of being able to conceive safely so I feel he made that decision for both of us and cheated me out of an opportunity that would've made my life more complete. As a result, I have felt restless and bored for years. I have taken classes, and devoted my time to charity, and hobbies and a circle of wonderful friends but everything has simply made me crave the company of other people. I dread turning down my street every day after work, knowing I'm going to have to spend an evening at home with him. I realize part of it is that I am a people person, and he is reclusive. I should be thankful he has given me a lot of freedom and space to do the things I enjoy, but I want to do them with someone I love - someone who excites and stimulates me. He does not. He is not abusive but I feel like I am starving for a real companion. Our sex life has never been fulfilling and I've tried many things to improve it. I'm at the point now, where I simply don't have the desire to be with him intimately because the rest of our relationship is so disjointed. We are like roommates. We know how to be kind to each other because neither of us are cruel people. I am not out for blood. I am willing to give him the house and most of its contents. I just want to feel alive again. I am tired of feeling like my life is passing me by while I am sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something or someone to come along and breath life into my lifeless emotions. I have prayed about this for many years and waited for God to make a change in me, or in him. Nothing has changed. The years have just bumped into each other and I feel like I am going through the motions of living, without enjoying it. The thought of leaving my marriage; my so-called "comfort zone" frightens me terribly. I am not a spring chicken and I don't want to spend my golden years alone because I have no children to take care of me when I begin to age. But I also cannot picture the next 25 years being exactly like the last with little fulfillment, little excitement, little enjoyment. About a year after I moved out, I became better acquainted with a man that I've had a crush on for years. He is everything I have been searching for. He's funny, he's talkative, interesting, intelligent, and stimulating. He challenges my mind and my body (meaning, he likes to take hikes and go caving, and exploring wildnerss areas) and I have been having the time of my life ever since we became friends. I love and adore him and I cannot picture myself going back to my dreary marraige simply out of obligation, when I've finally gotten a taste of true companionship. Yet I know that somewhere in my core, I am aware that what I'm doing is subliminally wrong. I know I am taking a huge risk - and there are no guarantees. This man could simply fall in love with someone else and decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore, which I know would shatter my life. And yet, I am willing to take that chance because at least I can say I felt alive and if it all falls apart tomorrow, I can go to my grave someday knowing what it's like to be with someone who excited me and kept me feeling young. Also, this man has three kids. They are older and one has kids of her own, so I am finally getting to enjoy having children in my life at last and that makes it equally hard to go back to a husband who didn't. Thank you for listening and responding with such wonderful advise, all of you! Sorry this was so long.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (25 July 2007):
First, sweetheart, let me help you with your faith. The people of God are not to be ashamed of anything. The Holy Spirit convicts you and that is the time to change. Shame is the devils tool to keep you from seeking God and living by what The Lord has said. So, toss shame, guilt and fear out the window. We are not to have those operating in our lives.
I understand that you and your husband have grown apart. However, there is always the opportunity to change things around. Make it a goal to do something together each week. Take on new hobbies or even join other couples in events. You do what it takes to keep the spark in your marriage. You made a promise to your man and him with you to be in this through thick and thin! This is a thin time. God is all about family and unity. He never wanted broken families or hurt spouses.
Divorce is a horrible thing. It fractures the lives of people, their families and their relatives, it really hurts. The only time divorce is seen right in God's eyes is when there has been adultery or there is abuse going on. God didnt create us to be slapped, beaten or treated like slaves. There is no sticking to it (the marriage if trust has been broken thru sex) because you dont want to make God angry. He is extremely upset with the behavior of people who harm their spouse or violate the promise they made before Him. Those two are the only legal ground for divorce. Everything else is fixable but it takes work.
I want you to deeply consider your beliefs in God. I do not know what your denomination is and in the end it really doesnt matter. GOD DOES NOT PUNISH HIS CHILDREN OR MAN KIND ANYMORE. Their own sin opens the door to the devil to allow their decisions to bring in the drama and hurt into their family. Cancer being put on the innocent isnt God's method. People of alternative life styles or religions arent punished because what they do displeased God. He doesnt create and love His creation only to punish them with sickness or catastrophes. That's not His way and puts NO blame on the devil and we KNOW the devil does a tons of crap against God and to trip us up. Jesus showed nothing but love to sinners. That's in your New Testament. How much more does He treat us with love and compassion because we have chosen to follow Him? Jesus took on all the judgment, condemnation and punishment for us. And that was that. So~ God will not punish you for getting a divorce. Do not fear that nor worry about it. If you do, you open the door and yourself to disaster because you are using your fear (the opposite of faith) to welcome it and trusting in the devil to DO SOMETHING instead of believing in The Lord Your God to help you and love you and make your life better.
Because you are a Christian you are secured in Christ. Nothing will knock you out of that security unless you return to the old man's habits and reject God as your creator and Jesus His son. Your salvation isnt based on divorce it based on your belief in Christ and that is the finality of it! That's it. That is all it takes to decide whether a person goes to heaven or hell. Not how or if you got baptized, if you smoke or drink or not...NO! Just the belief that Jesus died for your or not.
I can see that you cling to your upbringing and the thoughts of your family. Do not put your family above God's Word. Period. Even Christians can be wrong. You base EVERYTHING according to the Word not what family says or does.
How long did you attend counseling? Did your husband go with you? Your relationship is imbalanced. You want more but he is giving less. Both of you need to give 50% but of course you cant force a person to do what they dont want to do. This is where you do your best and after that leave it in God's habds. Maybe your husband just doesnt see things like you do. That's where you use your faith to depend on God to get your husband to change. He has to want to but only God can show him what he is doing and what changes need to be done.
ALSO~ if you feel nothing else can be done, then divorce. it wont be the end of the world. God doesnt want it because change can still come but you have to have no worries. He will still love you. You have GOT to drop the fear that disease or being alone will plague you for the rest of your life. Jesus has said that YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE. Jesus has already healed us of all any diseases. I rebuke that route of thinking in Jesus name. It's fear and God didnt give us a spirit of fear but of love, Joy and a sound mind! Trust God to bring a man who loves you deeply and takes care of you spiritually mentally and physically.
This person that you love now. Put it on hold. You have to work out if whether your marriage will work or if you are going to leave. Get the priorities taken care of first and not land into adultery or fornication with another man and sin in God's eyes.
I see that you said you have been separated for two years. You need to talk to your husband and both of you make a decision as to what to do and make that decision happen. Your time, energy and lives are being wasted in this limbo.
I want to recommend a ministry for you to get in contact with. Pastor Gregory Dickow is excellent in helping people understand what God says and allows in divorce. Divorce isnt an eternal sin. The rejection of Jesus is and that is all you need to be concerned about. Email Pastor Dickow's ministry and email him this very concern to him. He will administer God's love (not condemnation) to you AND guide you in the proper direction. Our Father will not condemn you. His anger against our sin was satisfied Jesus died for us.
http://www.changinglives.org/life_solutions/index.html
Click Ask the Pastor to email him and get a direct and biblical answer and peace of mind. Also, read under the divorce section to counseling words he has told other people.
I also recommend THE CHURCH Group WorldiWide. You can request DVDs COST FREE, I promise you, from that ministry. You NEED to ask them to send you "Overcoming the Reality of Shame". This tells you who you are in Christ and how satan torments us Christians with shame or guilt and especially fear. And you get the understanding that what you are being tortured with in your mind is NOT of God.
http://www.thechurchgroup.com/ This ministry TEACHES and you will learn on what to do. This ministry DOES NOT PREACH to you making you feel worse and still leave you in your problems.
You are loved, my sister. God is not angry with us, ever. He hates the sin but He loves us, ALL His creation and has so much for us in favor, blessings and an awesome life that He directs us in. Don't be scared of God. Be a friend of God. Our whole existence is to worship Him and have relationship with Him because He is our Father and wants good things for us while the devil comes and tries to draw our thinking an pervert what God has done.
SO! Tell the devil to get out of your face in the name of Jesus! Bind up the thoughts of fear, death, rejection and etc and release FAITH, LIFE AND ACCEPTANCE into you life. Our God is the God of a million and one solutions! All you need is one from Him. One word from God can change your life forever. Go in peace. Email me here if you want. I am more than happy to help you and encourage you. And request that DVD. It WILL HELP YOU as it has helped me and my issues.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (24 July 2007):
Surely any religion that promotes an unhappiness like this is wrong. If in divorcing and re-marrying you find true happiness then surely you have to go with this. I don't think you should have any guilt about what you have done or what you plan to do.If your church has a problem with this I suggest you change church and find one that is more compassionate and less damning. In our village we have a vicar who over the past five years has divorced his wife and taken a new wife in. It met with a little dissaproval and a little hostility initially but it didn't take long for the village to accept the new lady on the scene and she is now a thriving member of the church helping out in the community much more than the old wife ever did. Today ther is not one person in the village who condemns the vicar out of the parishioners and the non parishioners.In some cases religion (Which bears very little relation to what we actually personally believe) is so too often perverted by so called pastors and religious leaders that inflict their interpretations that if taken to heart can brainwash us and make for a very sad way of life. By what you have said it doesn't sound as if you are doing anything wrong - you haven't played away so to say, and you are trying to do what is right. Nothing to feel guilty about there at all.I wish you luck for the future.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 July 2007):
 Worry and guilt are sins too. Just think of it this way you are doing your husband a favor as well as yourself. Now he can go forth and find someone who loves him and he can come out of his withdrawn state and love back. I'm sure he is as miserable as you are.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (24 July 2007):
 I went through the same struggle after 24 years with the same person. I decided however that I was better off alone than being miserably unhappy every day. I think because you have someone else, that may be why you are feeling guilty. What if you didn't have this other person? The result would still be the same, you would be unhappy. On a religious note, I concluded that God never intended us to be unhappy. He never intended husbands to be abusive to their wives, or wives to take advantage of their husbands. I think sleeping with another man while you're married is a sin, unfair, and morally wrong. I suggest you get a divorce as soon as possible, and get on with your life. Don't wait another moment. You've made the decision, now do it. Wether you stay with this man or not is a separate issue all together. Personally, if I were him, I would not be with you. Understanding the circumstances but all things considering, you've cheated on your husband with him, what's to stop you from doing it to him. I'm only telling you, because you may end up from the stove top to the fry pan. I'm sure this other man has some issues if he is with a married woman. I suggest after your divorce, being on your own for a while to decide what it is you really want from life. Find out who you are, and what you need. I needed time to rediscover myself, because I was married so long I was someone else's husband and not me. Get ready for the consequences, because their will be some. I didn't care about the consequences because I was so depressed in my relationship. I am still dealing with them, but I am a happier person and enjoying life. Decide what you want and do it. I think God intended for us to Live life and love. You only get one chance, and life's to short not to be happy.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (24 July 2007):
 It's the way you have been conditioned to think, that's all. If you listen to stories enough times then you start to believe them. Those who ought to know better have been educated to believe in "the system" whatever such religion may be, for many years and often since childhood. Too many people today do not use their minds properly, they cannot see the forest for the trees, they have completely lost perspective and are conditioned into a specific mindset which determines the course of their entire life and behaviour. They in turn become sheeple and slaves to society. They do not want or even think to find things out for themselves but are quite happy to be led.
You getting divorced will do 2 things.
1. It will give you the freedom to be independant and be truly happy with someone you DO love.
2. It will legally dissolve this loveless marriage.
We need to think for ourselves, NOT be bullied into doing things because others "say" it's right. We all have our own minds, we just don't use them. If you want to get out of your marriage then DO IT! Don't wait for the "okay" from others. YOU have a mind, your feelings come from your mind and YOU are in control of your feelings. YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future! You won't be struck down dead or bound to hell or damnation for wanting to make your life better. Have faith in YOURSELF and the god within you and do what is best for YOU.
Eve
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A
female
reader, PoSiOnKiSS +, writes (24 July 2007):
 you need to seek counsellin love or go to a church and ask someone there. i believe in divorce, because theres no way id stay in a loveless or abusive marriage, no way. and ive done sinful things, and ive never bin struck with a deadly disease. your thinking too much into your faith, you need to start thinking reality here. oh and i really doubt the 'wrath of god' ....... it would be rather hypocritcal seeing as wrath is listed as one of the seven deadly sins. you should be thinking that god will be more forgiving as listed as one of the seven holy vitues.
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