A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i feel very lost.. my husband has always been heavy.. he is 6 ft 2 and 478. i am 5 ft 9 and 135. sometimes i think i know too much being a nurse as i watch his weight go up and our marriage go down. yes i love him. i have changed our home eating to low carb. we have two childern. he says one day to me that he does not like being this big and that he cantget any bigger. he has high blood pressure hypothyroidism and low testosterone. i know the last two contribute to weight gain but the combination of both have caused his back to hurt now too. he also averages three kidney stones per year. our sex life sucks. i was suprised when i got pregnant this last time. im tired of having sex in the same position as we have for three years due to his size. he asks his mom for her handicaped parking sticker to use wwhen he goes to certain events because he cant walk the distance. thats embarrassing. ive discussed gastric surgery but he is afraid he will never eat normal food again. hd does not exercise at all. he comes home and sleeps two to three hours missing dinner most nights but he says dinner sucks anyway. i call my twelve year old down to watch the baby so i can get a shower because he cant stay awake. he does not clean at all. when he does wake up he is soon to fall asleep again but not till he has watched what he wants because he works hard. im considering leaving. i have never had someone make me feel so low. this was my second marriage. ive had sex the same one position for three years now. ive picked up relationship books to help me. i want my husband back not this person. any advise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): If could suggest two things for your husband.. slow walking exercise each day and counselling. Those are the two essentials he'll need to help kickstart his motivation, and lead to other future paths of exercise. When he goes for walks, he has to make sure he doesn't eat more calories than he would if he didn't walk.
For now, the extra sleep is helping and saving him, and he'll burn calories while he sleeps. He can change the amount of sleep he needs by getting out there and walking everyday. Like Beingblack said, he has to start trying to walk consistantly, for cardio, or his joints, ankles, back and especially his knees will start to break down, as the muscles that are supposed to be active are no longer functioning due to lack of exercise, so the bones and joints try to make up for it and take all the brunt. The muscles are there to protect our ankles, hips, knees, back, etc., and when that defence is lost, deterioration is all that is left.
I would also suggest him seeing a dietitian because like cocoqueen said, not everyone responds to the same diet of food. A good dietitian can run him through a quick test to see which genotype he has, which would categorize him as either carb-sensitive or fat-sensitive, or a combination of the two. To be more sure, he can buy the cheek swab test for 150 dollars at InherentHealth.com, a DNA test developed by the scientists at Interleukin Genetics, built on the Stanford research findings about genotypes.
I found that on page 30, 31, 32 of For Women First(July 26/10 issue) magazine, which states that you can then increase your weight loss by up to four times faster than not following your individual genotype-sensitive diet. This explains why some people can achieve great losses on an Atkins diet compared to a low fat diet, and others need the opposite, or have to be somewhere in between low fat and low carbs. Yes lol, I read my wife's women's magazines when it comes to health and diet, because they often state the most cutting edge and realistic techniques and tools to help everyone, not just women.
Like Frank B Kermit said, sleep apnea may be making him tired even when he sleeps lots, because it often affects overweight people. Does he snore alot or have moments in his sleep where he stops breathing? He can get tested by sleeping one night in a sleep clinic where they monitor his sleep and program a breathing machine for the proper settings he would need if he has sleep apnea. My mom and father-in-law both have sleep apnea, and they're both very overweight, so it's very possible that's why he's sleeping alot, too.
Alot of surgeons in Canada will only perform gastric bypasses and such in extremely rare cases, since it can be very dangerous. The safer, more natural approach, if he's able to walk, is to start out slow but consistant with exercise and remain on a strict healthy diet, drinking only water and green tea, and eating small meals, five times a day, to rev up his metabolism. I would highly suggest continuing from there on what the dietician tells him to eat and how often.
Once he starts to lose the weight, he'll very slowly gain more and more and more energy to help around the house and to become more agile and mobile in bed. It's very possible to lose all his excess weight, but he has to stay determined everyday, and throughout the rough times when his lack of will power tests him. One of my friends just lost 170 pounds in the last year, and she's continuing the effort until she reaches her goal weight, and then she's going for surgery for her excess skin that's left hanging around. That's just one example of how anyone can do it if you tell yourself everyday that you can continue to stick with the plan you've started.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I agree get him tested for sleep apnea, if he has it this is very very dangerous to his health, he could die in his sleep, that knowledge told to him by his doctor could be the wake up call he needs to start losing the weight, and perhaps his doctor could tell him about the benefits of lap band or gastric bypass surgery as he certainly seems to be a candidate for it.I get rather tired of hearing that obesity is due to unresolved psychological issues, it isn't, it is due to genetics and lifestyle choices...and sometimes the genetics are hard to win against.That said, the only thing he can do is to change his habits and that takes getting started which is the hardest thing for most people.I would go through your pantry and throw out anything with high fructose corn syrup in it, I would stop feeding him any sort of breads or pasta or rice or potatoes except sweet potatoes, no bannanas, no anything with a high glycemic index.He needs to get clearance from a doctor to start excercising, but if you could get him to walk nightly with you after his nap or dinner that would be a start.I hope you two can stick with it and with each other and there is hope, but enlist the help of a doctor so you aren't the bearer of bad news and get your husband's agreement that you are going to be the food cop.If you are a nurse, then you probably know all about how to diet, no fried foods, etc.I wish you both the best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Your hubby is fortunate to have a lady such as you. I suggest counseling, I believe there is deeper meanings inside that is driving him, so to speak, to overeat, etc. Unlock the problems withen, find the solution, the counselor can help. You all are in my prayers. :)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 August 2010):
 Here are some more thought's I've had.
What motivates your man? Is there any way you can use that motivation to help him lose weight? What do your children think? Have they talked to him about it?
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 Wow, your man is lucky to still have you.
I am 6'2", 237, I used to play RB and LB at college, but consider myself overweight these days. I cannot imagine being TWICE my size.
I'm afraid that your husband has spiralled downwards to a place that only he can fight out of. The question is, does he want to? Losing pounds is tough, keeping the weight down to a manageable level is even tougher. Is he tough enough? Can he see WHY he needs to lose the weight? Does is matter enough?
I have a sister who doesnt care enough to lose weight, even though she has worsening health problems. Is your husband the same? 478 is a really dangerous weight. He needs to be shocked into action.
I would take pictures of him, and show him. In his mind, he looks ok, but I think that if he sees what everyone else sees, the realisation will sink in.
He needs to change his lifestyle completely. Can you help him? Will he listen to you? Please do not expect a man this big to exercise. He CANNOT. He needs to lose weight by controlling his intake, walking more, controlling his intake, and controlling his intake. Set him small goals, like walk a mile by the end of the month, lose 2 lb a week. In a year, you could have a husband at 378, still too big, but better.
If he does not start walking soon, his back, knees, and ankles will start to complain more often and more painfully.
Be as strong as you can be. It is obvious that you love him, but he has forgotten how or why you love him, and he has totally lost any respect for himself. I wish you all the best.
o
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 For Better Or For Worse...
In sickness and in health...
Sound familiar? I assume they were part of your wedding vows. Obesity does not just happen over night and usually stems from some deep rooted unresolved issue. Obesity is NOT laziness.
Your husband is sick, and likely needs some form of therapy. His lack of health is the symptom.
For physical help, see if he can be tested for sleep apnea which might explain the physical reasons he sleeps so much. If he does have sleep apnea, he is not getting the REM sleep he would need to be able to form basic common sense thoughts nor concentration to understand the plight of his situation.
For mental health reasons he might be in a depression, and instead of dumping you during a mid life crisis and hooking up with a younger woman to spend his (and your) money on, he killed himself slowly with food.
If the situation were reversed and YOU were the one that was suffering from an illness that affected your ability to have sex, would you want your husband to stand by you, or would you want him to dump your broken body?
Think about your situation here, and do not let your resentment blind you to the underlying signs of the dysfunction.
-Frank Kermit
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 I second dirtball... He's a lucky man to have somebody who cares so much, instead of just leaving, though I hope that isn't what is enabling him to delay taking back his life. He needs to know that you won't be around if he doesn't start respecting himself and you by fixing this life-threatening problem. You don't want a guy who falls dead in a few years from a heart attack or passes in their sleep and he should be concerned about this himself.
The time is now. He needs to change, there needs to be goals set here and while it won't happen overnight, he needs to know that you aren't going to be around for him if he continues on this path. It's too much of a burden for you and your children to bear and he should see that... sometimes you have to be honest and cruel to be kind... Exercise or gastric surgery, now is not the time for excuses... seriously... death or divorce versus not being able to eat normal food... what would you choose?
Plus I don't know why he thinks he won't be able to eat normal food anymore in the first place... my mum had gastric surgery and she eats the same food as us kids... just less portions of it and she's lost a tonne of weight.
Anyhoo...Best of luck :)
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reader, dirtball +, writes (9 August 2010):
Unfortunately for a person to change the have to want to for themselves. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to change. I envy the fact that he has someone like you who is trying so hard to help him, and who really wants to seek alternatives to leaving. So many people just up and leave.
From the sounds of it, he is doing very little to contribute to your household. This is totally unfair. You aren't his slave and he needs to realize that. I think that you're on the right track as far as your relationship goes. I think that some couples counceling might also help. It would be a way for you to have the discussion I'm sure you've had before in a setting where he is less likely to feel attacked.
When you met and married, how big was he then? You said he's always been big. If he has maintained the same size since you first met him, then you are attempting to change who he is. I don't sense that to be the case, but it is worth mentioning.
Hopefully you can help him find the motivation to get healthier. He has to want to do it for himself, or it will never last though. I'll check back if I can think of anything that may be of more use.
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (9 August 2010):
 if he's not willing to try then there is no reason for you to really stay and be sad too. but if you're in it for the fight...
work out with him,
buy cook books to spice it up in the kitchen,
go to the doctor's with him so that you'll know exactly how his diet should be (i've learned on dr. oz that some people can't thrive on a low carb diet. some people have to do low fat or a balace between the 2),
gastic bypass isn't the only option, there is also the lap band
however he's not willing to try then just forget it because it'll never work if he's not willing. it's his life and if he doesn't care then why should you?
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