A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:okay so basically, my boyfriend worries me. i don't know if he has mental health problems, as i wouldn't want to put a massive label on him, i'm not naive. he has no parents as he lost his mum due to drink 3 years ago, he's been dealing with an awful lot and i do try to help take strain off him.he always tells me to talk to him about things that bother me, and so i don't see any problem in bringing up my issues with him. i'm not going to hold it in, just because of whats happened to him, that'd be wrong.usually when i start a discussion on something it ends up in a massive row, because he thinks i'm blaming him and having a go, when 9 times out of 10 i'm not. i reitterate to him that i'm not blaming him, i just want my questions answered to clear things up. usually it's just just something i want to get off my chest.but recently, he's been lying to me about little things, like what he's doing at his friends and what time he gets in from his friends house and who he's with (because i don't get on with one of his friends) i told him he doesn't need to protect me because i'm really not bothered what he does.he just covers lies up with more lies. for example, he went to his friends house to play poker. he told me he came home at half 12 but he left a message on facebook at 2am. he then tripped him by asking his sister what she did that night.. obviously he hadn't been home. but why would he need to lie about that?i may be reading way to much into this, but he seems to find it easy to lie to my face! have i any reason to worry?
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 People get hung up on the label, you worry about how drunk he will get when he goes out, yeah, he can't drink responsibly, he drinks to excess frequently, it's in his genetics (his mother died of alcoholism) and he continues to go down the same drinking path of his mother, so yes, he has a problem with drinking, it is affecting his life and relationships and before long his health.
Why are you waiting until after the holiday to break up with him? I don't think you will enjoy your holiday spending it with him with the state of things, you'll be wasting your time off and your money...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for the reply.
is he really an alcoholic?
he won't take help.
we've got a holiday coming up but after that i'm out.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 August 2010):
You can play word games, worse, not helping him, keeping him a drunk, what ever, an alcoholic needs to go to rehab, having an enabler (YOU) keeps them from getting help that they need, so in a sense you are making him worse by being that person who enables him. ON his own he would have to face his problems square on and get the help he needs, so you are harming him and mostly yourself by staying in this relationship.
If you don't understand the alchoholic realtionship go to an AlAnon meeting and talk to some folks there, or make an appointment with a therapist and find out why you want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni feel like i've done all i can to love & care for him.
& your telling me that it's made him worse?
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (14 August 2010):
You can't fix him, you're worrying about him every time he goes out about how drunk he will be is called "enabler".You are actually now part of "his problem with drink". As long as he has your acceptance, he had your approval, he will not be motivated to change his alcoholic ways as long as he has a person who provides an accepting, tolerating, covering up his actions base of operations.The best thing you can do for him if you truly love him is to leave him and let him sort himself out on his own.Your love is crippling him, how does that make you feel to know that? If you don't believe me, then get some counseling from a therapist, they will let you know what you are doing to enable his addiction.If you don't get tough with him, you might as well start looking at coffins and funeral arrangements, as alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease. It doesn't get better, it gets worse.Save yourself, save him and stop this codependent dance. I can tell from your last statement that you think he realizes how close he was to losing you, that this is about your EGO, and not about your love and concern for him. Your ego wants to feel love and acceptance and that you have WON this battle with him, but if you truly LOVE, you will let him go so he can get help and heal on his own, because you are part of what is weighing him down and destroying him whether you want to believe that or not, it's the harsh reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni can't thank you all enough for your advice.
he tries to show that nothing bothers him, he always says he can handle anything but i know he can't. nobody can take that much & not be weakend.
we've recently had an argument in which he was very drunk. he finished me via text. & in the morning couldn't remember what happened. i think he's realised how close he was to losing me & now keeps telling me that he would never be that way again.
i just know now everytime he goes out, i will worry about how drunk he'll get. this is not good & not good for him, i don't want him to end up like his mum :(
thank you everyone xxxxxxx
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female
reader, T-Marie +, writes (10 August 2010):
 Hello again, I think that perhaps he is struggling to cope alot more than he lets on. As hard as it is, when you see him starting an argument try going out for a walk, take a book or something with you, find a nice place to sit and just stay out of his way for a little while to let him calm down. This worked for me and after a while he will learn that if he tries to start something it won't work.As for the councelling unfortunately you can't make people go. But you could try approaching the subject now and again. Be sure not to use terms like "i think you need help" as that will make him feel weak, but maybe things like "I really think talking to someone would take the weight off".If he won't go to councelling you can just try to get him to talk to you about it.9 times out of 10 it's not the councellors advice that helps people, it's simply the fact they have got it off their chest and had a release.It sounds to me like he has alot of pent up anger. This could be down to the fact he has lost his mum, or it could be deeper, he may blame himself somehow. If this is the case that is something extremely difficult for him to be dealing with.Just try, when things are rough, to remember he has alot of mixed emotions going on at the moment and i am sure he doesn't mean to take it out on you.Best of luck xxx T
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
You boyfriend flipping out and lying to you are signs he may have deeper problems that you cannot fix by "wanting the best for him" or "loving him to peices".
The longer you stay in his dysfunction in this toxic relationship, the more harm will be done to you psychologically and emotionally and then you will have the baggage that you have to get rid of.
Love is not enough. You have to have a healthy relationship with a healthy person. He is by far either of those things and you are not responsible nor capable of fixing that for him or for your relationship.
Get rid of him.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
"I hate when we argue and if he is wrong he will never accept it (take responsibility for his actions) he just turns it around on me (manipulation) i just do worry about him. he's so quick to start an argument when there's not one to be had. he seems to like the confrontation, sometimes i'm sure he just wants to pick a fight with someone.. " (abusive or abusive drunk)
His mother died of alcoholism and he drinks, he is at a high risk of becoming an alcoholic himself due to genetics.
I am for the option of ending this relationship now and saving yourself a whole lot of pain and time.
This man is toxic and you are in an unhealthy relationship. Your main attribute of why he is with you is that "i'd never stop him, i'd never get in his way or tell him what he can & can't do." (a high degree of relationship investment, a high degree of cooperativeness and a high degree of empathy and not standing up for yourself) which leaves you at a high risk of being abused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is why i wonder. it wasn't that i went looking for it, i never do. it's just the pieces didn't fit together. i needed him to tell me the truth. he told me he got in at half 12, yet he was on his friends facebook who he was playing poker with. & then, asking his sister what she'd done that night & where she'd stayed, because they hadn't seen each other.
i do trust him, i just know he was lying to me & i don't know why on earth he feels the need to. especially about something so small.
we've been together 2 years & he's always been very aggresive, not physically but sometimes he will flip out, understandably. i know he has a lot of baggage. i suppose i knew that before we got together.
i just want the best for him & i don't know what to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): Concerning the loss of his mum...that stuff no one can help him get over, when he's ready he'll deal with that no amount of words anyone could say could make him feel any different.I had gf a similar to you bf, I met her when I lost a parent and I was so naive and in love at the time with her that for some reason she always bent the truth and I always made excuse for her. She told me she was full on in love with me and I always believed her and forgave her for telling little lies until she ultimately cheated on me. It all started with her lying about tiny little things then it turned into major things like her hanging out with other guys, that last 4 yrs. What I’m trying to say is, you need to stand up for yourself and let him know straight up you aint taking that crap from him. That’s pretty much all you can do, it’s a simple solution to your dilemma or you can end it now and find and honest person to be with and save yourself a whole lot of time and pain
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionT,
thank you so much for your reply.
he's opened up to me in the past about his mother, it seems he paints a perfect picture of her, which i do understand, obviously it being his mum. but i do realise he's been through a lot with her being alcohol dependant.
he does drink yes. he says he can relax when he drinks. i'd never stop him, i'd never get in his way or tell him what he can & can't do.
i just do worry about him. he's so quick to start an argument when there's not one to be had. he seems to like the confrontation, sometimes i'm sure he just wants to pick a fight with someone.. which again, is why i don't understand why he'd lie to me about, yes your right, trivial things! it doesn't make sense.
i hate when we argue, if he is wrong, he'll never accept it, & he will always turn it around on me, to make me feel bad. i don't think i come on too heavy with it, as i always just try to talk it out, i'm a sensitive person as it is.
i seriously do think he needs councelling & he has been offered it in the past but he didn't want to take it.
i'm not sure how to deal with it really. i do love him to pieces, i just don't know where to go with this.
xxxx
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (9 August 2010):
I think you need to stop checking up on your boyfriend and looking at his Facebook page. If he got in at 2 AM and told you 12 then why is he lying? And what difference does the time make after all? What would concern me is that he is going out all of the time without you, that is a bit of a red flag right there.
I am not so sure that your boyfriend is all that into you or the relationship and is lying as a way to cover up his where about because he is feeling guilty about the fact that he is on the hunt for other women or meeting other women. Or he is lying because he doesn't care that much about your feelings and he knows he is doing wrong by you.
The bottom line here is that you don't trust him and you have cause for concern. You aren't working out your issues very well, and he is saying that you are blaming him for everything? Are you? Or is this his way of manipulating you out of a discussion and his way of not taking responsibility for his actions?
Only you can answer these questions as we don't know your boyfriend or what the situations are that are causing you distress and concern.
He sounds like he has a lot of emotional baggage as you even suspect he has "mental problems". He doesn't sound at all ready to have a serious romantic relationship with anyone, but instead is trying to drag his baggage into this relationship. That doesn't work very well. Perhaps you both would be better off on your own so that he can work out his own personal issues instead of burdening you with them and floundering around in an unhealthy relationship. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for himself, his life and his actions...it doesn't matter that he's been through a lot or lost his parents, lots of people suffer huge losses in their lives, but don't just lie their way through life to avoid confrontation with others and they learn how to deal with their own feelings and emotions, take responsibility for themselves, take care of themselves and care about their partner's needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondo you know, i'm really not sure!
i'm not by any means controlling, i'm as laid back as i could possibly be. i'm not sure if his previous girlfriends were controlling.
i don't mind what he does, that's why i'm so worried. he could tell me anything & i wouldn't be all that fussed.
hmmm, how confusing
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A
female
reader, T-Marie +, writes (9 August 2010):
Hi there, I am 22 years old and have recently married my partner of only 8 months who suffers from mental health issues. I know it can be hard but this relationship will require alot of extra help and support from you. As much as you need to openly discuss any issues you feel are affecting your relationship, you really must be careful and be somewhat tactful with the way you approach things.
As your partner lost his mum in the recent years, it is highly likely that he will be suffering the loss and grieving still, especially if he hasn't had a decent outlet since she passed away.
Does your partner drink?
I know that sometimes when somebody loses somebody close to them to drugs or alcohol, they can occasionally although inadvertantly become somewhat reliant on the substance themselves as it blocks out the pain they are reluctant to confront.
I think in your case you should perhaps sit him down and try to get him to open up, the important thing though is not to talk, but to listen! If he doesn't want to discuss how he is feeling with you then he is perhaps still not ready.
The fact he has been lying to you about trivial things which you think there is no real reason for lying about, perhaps means that he is worried about what you will say about where he is or what he is doing and he perhaps feeling as though it is easier to lie to you than to argue. The fact you said that he tends to think you are blaming him for things tells me that you are perhaps approaching the subjects wrong or perhaps coming on a little to heavy or invasively.
You should also try to discreetly approach the subject of him having some councelling/ professional help of some description.
It sounds like you really do love him and as long as you do you need to perhaps take the backseat for a little while and try to help him overcome his emotional issues.
I hope this helps you and take care xxx T
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 You kinda have to ask yourself why he feels the need to lie in the first place?? Has he had a really controlling girlfriend before you? Are you the type to interrogate or "blast" him for indiscretions? Some other reason??
Try to find out what possible motivation he has to lie... cos people don't lie unless they feel they have to in order to avoid trouble.
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