A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years and I are 35. When we dont agree on things I prefer to agree to differ but he gets verbally abusive and swears and calls me a f*ing idiot. I find that so offensive. None of his family swear. He gets angry when he drives and says I am a cr*p driver as I drive too slow. He says he loves me and wants a future but how can I have a future with someone who cannot communicate and blows up at least once a month. When he does this I leave his place. Last night I walked away. He braked very suddenly as I pointed out he was doing 70 in a 40 limit and my back is sore. The train station was closed and he refused to give me a lift anywhere saying I had to come back to his place. It was very late and I couldnt face going back with his anger issues and paid a lot of money to get home in a taxi after midnight. He hasnt bothered to call to see I got home ok. I told him there were drunk people around and his response was 'tough, come back here'. How can I be with him. I feel I have walked away. I feel numb and really let down. I am not a person to shout back and swear I am more reserved than that. I dont want to be with someone who treats me like this but I feel really upset and in shock today.
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 He is a time bomb with a short fuse ready to explode at any time.
He left you in a potentially dangerous situation and does not care for your safety or feelings.
THAT IS NOT LOVE. That kind of anger issue has the potential to build into physical abuse.
You have your own home. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Notify your neighbors that you have a verbally abusive EX boyfriend.
You do not need to yell or fight, but you do need to grow a backbone and have that bully exit your life.
You do not want to be with him. If you have a key or belongings of his, send them back by post or messenger with a note that you are done with your relationship.
A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (14 August 2011):
I absolutely agree with all of the answers! It's only a matter of time before the verbal abuse turns physical. He has demonstrated a lack of empathy for you and you don't want that in your life.
I have just recieved the death blow to my marriage thanks to a verbally abusive partner. Goes to show that the abuse can come from either a man or a woman. Don't be a doormat ever! I think you are older and wiser than me with a lot more experience. So you should know that you can find someone better out there. I understand it pulls on your heartstrings when you let someone into your life and they turn out to do that to you.
I may never understand what goes through the mind of an abuser. But without help/therapy it's near to impossible to change them. Even that can be a hit and miss affair. So I don't think it's worth burdening yourself down with it. I am 27 and already thinking I am too young with my whole life ahead of me to waste it on a damaging relationship...
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (14 August 2011):
 How can you be with this man?
Short answer: you can't.
He is overly critical to the point of being verbally abusive; can't control his temper; doesn't want to be told anything (pointing out he was going 70 mph in a 40 mph zone); doesn't care enough to phone you to see you got home safely after paying all that money for a cab; clearly doesn't respect you and doesn't care about you.
You seriously don't need or want him in your life any longer! It's not worth it. Give him the boot here and now.
The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be able to learn from this experience, to begin healing and eventually meet a man you'll be much more compatible with......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): I dont know how to add this as the person asking for help but it is me! Just wanted to say thank you so much for all you advice. I really feel so much stronger for it : ) I really appreciate the time you have taken to help me x x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): Sounds like my ex of 8 years. I walked away, it was so so difficult as he called me 18 times per day, showed up at my door pleading and crying. But, you know what, he should have thought about that when he yelled at me, called me names, made me feel inferior and childish, didn't spend time with me....Within a month of breaking it off, I met my now current fiance. The two men are night and day. My fiance does not yell, runs out and gets anything I need at my every whim, when I get upset/moody he'll softly talk to me while giving me a hug, protects me even when I'm wanting to be nutty and rude (gives me rides, doesn't leave me alone...). I've had to heal from 8 years of torment and relearn the way a healthy couple communicates and treats each other. In my books, he's practically a saint...Not all men are like your boyfriend or my ex. Its a big waste of time staying with a guy like that. They might apologize but it happens again and again. Eventually you'll have to stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect - in this case by walking away and protecting yourself.If this was your sister, daughter or best friend in a relationship like this; what would you tell her?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Can I give you advice from someone who has "been there and done that"? As one of our other wise aunts stated...verbal abuse is just one step before physical abuse. at 19, I married a man like the man you are dating. At first he would just get angry...and I thought "well, he'll never hurt me..." Yeah..right. Then it was pushing, shoving, and then slapping, and then finally hitting. My husband never put my well being first. I was 6-7 months pregnant and walking home alone at 1 in the morning while he had the family car (why couldn't he have walked to work??)..It won't get better sweetie, unless he gets help. I had a broken arm for 2 days and he laughed at me saying I was a baby..Do you see where I am going with this? 3 days after I had our baby, I am very tiny and had to have many stitches, he hit me so hard on my bottom I passed out. Angry men become violent men. He would get angry at me because I didn't agree with him. It was either his way, or not at all. No compromise. Do not stay in a relationship where a man belittles you, and doesn't look out for your safety. I can't stress this enough. I finally wised up and 2 years later got a divorce. Best move I ever made, it may have saved my life.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 The thing that jumps off the page to me is that -He isn't interested in protecting you.That's a huge red flag.Most men will go out of their way to protect a female they care about. As a matter of fact - He actually seems to have gone out of his way to hurt you. Stick around long enough and I suspect he will. Being lonely is quite different from being alone. You probably feel lonely inside of this relationship just from the total lack of empathy and support. If I were you, I would prefer to be alone rather than lonely. Leave him. You deserve better. x x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): It sounds like you should leave this guy now. He's being abusive. If you have a shred of self respect, don't put up with it. Really...there are plenty of men who know how to behave like normal intelligent human beings.We can agree with you, tell you the way he behaves isn't right, and analyzes his abusive behavior...yadayadaya.... but the only person who can solve this problem is you. I think it's time to walk away.
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A
male
reader, Ronnie70 +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I think he's the one who is a f*ing idiot, treating you like this.You may be numb and in shock, but if this is the way he behaves I think you're better off without him. Thank the lord you've got your own place to go to.There are better men than this out there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): He would never discuss anything with a professional. I think what really shocked me was the fact that he compromised my safety last night and even though I pleaded for a lift to the main train station to get home as it was so late his reply was 'no' and he kept telling me to come back. I couldnt go back as he had been so abusive. There was no apology and its now the next day and he has no idea if I got home safely. I paid £60 for a taxi to get home and arrived at midnight. Surely this is not right : (
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female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (14 August 2011):
 You can definitely find someone better than this. He's 35 and he can't even accept that your opinions will differ sometimes. That's sad and he insults you because you do things differently than him. He's known this for a long time so if he can't accept it, he should've said so and left. You don't deserve this, so if you plan on staying with this guy, tell him to grow up and that you won't allow yourself to be disrespected over simple things like this. If he gets mad because you've decided to express your feelings, then he's really not worth your time.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Being verbally abusive is right ahead of physical abuse so beware and be ready to duck.ANY guy that abuses(either verbally or physically) a female (in my book) is lower than dog s###t and ought to be beat to a pulp. I hope you find a way out of this relationship before it really turns ugly. Best wishes from an old dude.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2011):
 OK so list the pros and cons of being with him...My boyfriend has a temper much like your BF and we are talking of going to couples counseling mostly to work on our communication. WE know we love each other we know we are good together but what's killing us is our inability to mesh our communication styles... would he go to counseling if you wanted it?
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I've always said that dating is a preview of a relationship, and a relationship is a preview of how things may be in a marriage. I'm not sure if you've ever thought about getting married to this guy, but I'd just like to know if this is the type of man you want to have a future with.I'm not saying that people can't change, but he doesn't seem (at this time anyway) like he's willing to. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. It's emotionally scarring- and can damage a person self-confidence and self-worth.I always encourage people to communicate. But if you two are not communicating well, and he continues to treat you the way that he does, then maybe you should move on. Realize with the way things are going currently in your relationship, you may be better off single. And when the time is right, you'll meet someone better that's going to treat you well, and value the relationship.
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