A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been "with" my boyfriend for a little over four months now. I say "with" because a little over a month ago we had broken up but we are still actively talking/dating, it almost feels like we are still together. (Complicated, I know.) Anyway, the reason we are in this situation is because my boyfriend is extremely insecure and jealous. It's gotten to the point where I don't do anything only so he won't get upset with me. I can't hang out with friends, go on vacations, or just do daily things without him asking a billion questions or getting upset with me. He expects me to be in bed sleeping when he is, because he doesn't feel comfortable not knowing what I'm doing while he's asleep. He lives just down the street from me so sometimes he will drive past my house and check if my cars there so he knows if I'm home or not. He's only done that a few times, but it was enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Thing is, this is my first relationship.. So i'm not sure if this is how relationships are supposed to go or if he's crossing a line. I can honestly say I'm not happy. I do care for him, but he is too much sometimes. He talks about marriage and kids, and gets upset when I don't return the same excitement... it's only been four months! Am I wrong here? I'm only 19 by the way, he's 23. This will be my 2nd year of college coming up.. He's also told me he loves me and he constantly asks when I will love him back.. And sadly, I don't even feel close to loving him. We don't go out. We don't have fun. And i just feel as if I'm walking on eggshells every single second of the day. There's so much more i just don't want to bore you with a novel. I guess my question is, is this how the average relationship works? Am I just not ready to be committed? Because I've always felt like I've been ready, but this is just so much to handle :( so much pressure. so much anxiety. HELP
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies, i have finally stuck up for myself and what I feel is right and i have set boundaries. He was not happy about this one bit, he's accusing me of not caring for him and talking to other guys, sigh. I think I am going to take the next step and end the relationship, i don't see this going anywhere except in circles. And your guys' answers have made me fear that things could possibly escalade since he indeed has anger issues and separation anxiety. So thanks again, your answers really helped me open my eyes and stick up for myself! I finally feel myself again and free :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): NO, this is NOT how relationships are supposed to be!! Four MONTHS, and that freak is already acting like he owns you?? That isn't remotely acceptable after being married for forty YEARS. He doesn't know what "love" is; he sounds like he has SERIOUS psychiatric issues and is extremely immature...and there's no "waiting and hoping" or entertaining lame promises of "changing" to be done here. The only thing that's going to "change" is he's going to go from yelling and pouting to get you to do as he says to hitting and punching-IF you stay in this freak show of a "relationship"!!There are MILLIONS of good guys out there that you can have a relationship with after you do some research on what constitutes a healthy relationship versus an unhealthy bond that will ultimately result in violence.PLEASE, get out of this and DON'T continue to have ANY contact with that guy!! There's no need to stay "friends"; you already have plenty of those."No contact" is the only safe/healthy route to take with him. That may mean getting a restraining order (they DO work; mine did and he did go to jail for 9 months). Best of luck to you! Stay strong and know that you WILL find a good man that will treat you with the respect you deserve!! :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 There are many relationship models you have to find one that works for you. A relationship has its unique challenges but this guy is going to give you a panic attack one day. You have to set boundaries and you can refuse to talk when it reaches a limit. You have to be grounded and be ready to point out to him that he's raising his voice and ask why it's necessary. It's true you an inexperienced but you are a co-partner which means you also decide your own rules in the relationship. What he is doing can kill a relationship but I guess this is new, you want to see the potential, sometimes you feel ready for commitment so you still want to salvage this. Wanting to be committed does not mean wanting marriage, wanting to engulf a person so much that you can't breathe. It means you are ready for growth, ready to handle the ups and downs of a person, that you care for the person's happiness, and also you are ready to deal with your own loneliness because you can't be with each other 24/7.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): GET OUT NOW! This man is a stalker! He also sounds like he has the potential to really hurt you not just emotionally but physically if you put a toe out of line. Get the hell out of that before things get too serious; it HAS only been four months, right? And you guys technically broke up, right? What's the reason for the break up? A healthy relationship consists of love, trust, enjoyable sex (if you're into that pre-marriage), and the rare fight.
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