A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm new here and don't really know how this works but I really wish to talk to somebody about a problem I have, I'm so sad about it and I hope that someone on here can help me! :)I am seeing this guy, he's 33 and I'm 21. He said that he as feelings for me but after six monthes of simply 'hanging out' I asked him where he saw this going and he said that he saw us as more than friends but didn't want to have a girlffriend right now.Instead he sort of said that I was the reason as to why we couldn't be togheter. He said that I didn't have a job and I couldn't help him in supporting him with the financial things.And all the while we've been 'hanging out' he's been a bit condescending. Usually he's complaining about one thing or the other. I mean once he saw me having my fork in my left instead of the right, and he asked me if I normally eat like that. I answered yes, and he said that it was a good thing I hadn't been on a fancy dinner then. And once he commented on my clothes and said I dind't have a fashion sense...? And also, when he was drunk he yelled at me bacause I sang on a song he didn't like.Once he told me that there was things he didn't want to share with me, and I didn't trust him one bit so I kind of glanced at papers that were his. It stood that he had two children with two diffenten women! And always when he sees a mother and her kid he turns to me and says "I'm never having children" and usually makes fun of her and her kid!Also he's always asking me stuff about cars (when he knows I don't know anything about them!) and making me look foolish!Sometimes he doesn't even call for days, and then one night at maybe 4am he calls (and is drunk!) and wants me to get my bike to get to him! I mean he's trying to wake me up by calling all the time! And when I do meet up with him at 4 in the morning he complains that I didn't bring with me a bike and complains about having to walk!And something that hurt me was when I bought him a cellphone for his birthday he said that he didn't need one right to my face. And after a few days his phone died on him and he started using the one I bought and then he started complaining about what was wrong with that phone! Right in front of me!He called me yesterday at around 4 am but I didn't answer, and the next morning I asked him if everything was okay but he never responded.I really like him but noramlly I have to make make excuses even to myself because sometimes he's really mean to me. I haven't said everything that he does but I don't really know what to do. I mean he is nice to me but right now I just had to tell someone what he's doing. Am I just overreacting?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 You stay with him because something inside you wants the drama, perhaps to reinforce the negative sense of self you have going on there.
Start paying attention to how you react when he does something rude and disrespectful. Is there a little thrill there for you? Just start observing that.
The other aunts have given you great advice. I'm going to suggest you take it. I'm also going to suggest you start paying attention to why you feed the negativity and starve out positivity. Start to examine every single choice you map today and tomorrow. Do you make healthy choices or not? Are you aware enough to do this?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Forks can be used in either hand depending on the circumstances.
When eating a dinner where you need to use a knife it stays in your left hand because the greater stength and precision of your right hand is need to cut the meat, position the food on the fork etc.
Now if you're using a fork to eat cake, then you use your right hand for that because you don't need a knife to slice cake the fork will do that just as well.
If you're eating a meal with no need for a knife then it doesn't make sense to use your bad hand to eat with.
As for the guy you're dating, I bet he makes you call him "daddy" during sex too because you're his fuck toy that he doesn't care about and acts like your father. He's a disgusting and vile old man using you to get his rocks off and he doesn't even see you as good enough to be in a relationship with.
Let's do a quick analysis of his behaviour shall we?
He's controlling, demanding, obviously doesn't care about you, is using you for sex and gets pissed off when you don't give it, he won't ever have a relationship with you, he criticizes you, he is emotionally abusive even to the point of throwing his present back in your face, he puts you down, I bet any friends or new people you meet he automatically criticizes and he's a grade A asshole and loser preying on a vulnerable young girl, which you admit you are.
OP what are you going to do about this situation, you're intelligent enough to know that all I've said is true, you're intelligent enough to know he will never change and nothing will get better between you, you're intelligent enough to know that he's trapped you and you will never find other people or friends while he's still around controlling you, so with this knowledge in mind what are you going to do?
You say you're scared of being alone, but I bet you feel just as alone now with him in your life, with perhaps an hour or two here and there were you can pretend you matter to someone while he's using you for sex.
I don't understand how you can put up with letting this guy make you feel so lonely and unworthy, how you can think that this at all any better than ditching him and going joining some social clubs, or volunteering at a soup kitchen or the red cross and getting to know good people who treat you well. Want to feel like you matter? Go out and do things that matter to people. Help people, be around people, get to know people and dump the fuckers as soon as you realize they're fuckers.
What are you going to do about this OP?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Ok, it might be a bit off thread but I have to say something about this fork debate .
You MUST keep the fork in your left. Why do you think they'd set tables with the fork on the left of the plate and the knife on the right ? Because , when there's food that needs to be cut , you keep the knife in your right and the fork in your left, and there it stays . No switching please. If at every morsel of steak you cut, you have to do that goofy left -right switching thing- well, either you are American :)( in which case you are forgiven )or , you don't know table manners.
Ditto if there's a mix of hard/ soft food ( steak and peas , roastbeef and mashed potatos ). The fork stays in the left.
If a soft food ,that does not require any cutting ( omelette, pasta, ... ) is being served, you can use the right. But only in that case.
Hey, I should know, I live in the city where they INVENTED the modern 4-prongs fork in the 16th century !
As for " does it really matter which hand you use ..." well, if you ask me, I'd say yes.Somewhat at least. Manners are important, as the exterior manifestation of an interior structure, the outside mirrors the inside, the form IS the content,- so ,very seldom you'd find a person that has good manners but is also at the same time a crass, nasty, overbearing jerk. But, that's just my opinion, and it also has got nothing to do whatosever with your posting. I only wrote ,so that you can thumb your nose at this bozo " Nyah nyah nyah, you got it wrong, and you'd embarass yourself at the Ambassador's dinner !"
As for the rest, you have received very good advice and I hope you'll listen to it. Yeah I get the whole low self esteem thing, and fear of loneliness, and trouble in making friends etc. etc. I realize that in this situation, whatever sticks around has some charm for you . Just, remember that not all which sticks around is inherently good.
Dog shit is very sticky :).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 Making friends can take years. But some people just are not worth keeping in your life! You know? Even if they stick around. I had two boyfriends who up and left me, just changed their mind about whether they wanted to be with me or not. It was almost at a whim, they were sooo determined in what they wanted one day (the first asked me to marry him, the second asked me to move in with him (and then dumped me a week later..). So, the third guy I had as a boyfriend was a relief in this manner. He didn't swing in his thoughts about me, he wanted to be with me, and he was determined in that. He didn't break up in every fight etc, he was very steady as such. Which would have been GREAT had he not been a total douche! It was very difficult to leave him, because he held on so hard, and again, holding on to someone and fighting for them is GOOD, but only as long as you are a good guy who do it for the right reasons. In his case I think it was more about control than love.
The point in your case is that while it is great to have someone stick around, you can't ignore what sort of person they are. Someone sticking around is good only as long as the person himself is also good for you! Having someone who is bad for you stick around is only making matters worse really.
As for friends, my advice to you is to slow down and not be so eager to make friends. Making friends take time, it's a process. You don't just meet someone, say "hi, wanna be friends?" and then it's a done deal. Making friends is a time consuming process, and a friendship forms over time, by itself, naturally. Don't push it. Get to know several new people and get to know them on a casual level... then over time see if you get along and THEN move it on to a deeper connection, but not full friendship even then. Oh, and don't compare yourself to others who look like they have the tightest most amazing group of friends. Things rarely are what they look like from the outside, and there are tons of people who feel friendless just like yourself. So you're not alone in this.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 You are not pathetic. You realize something isn't right, but it is always difficult to decide what to do when you care about someone and you have hopes that person will change. We are all like that to varying degrees. I understand that you don't want to be alone. I think if you have been in a relationship with someone, it is always hard to be alone again. Keep your head up...things will work out for you, but you can't have someone like him constantly bringing you down. You definitely deserve to be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again! Thanks for your advice! It means a lot that you take the time to write back to me!Chigirl, wow your father's like that? My heart goes out to you!So very confused, I'm going to try and answer your questions to the best of my ability :) I'm glad by your respons, and I'm happy that you said what you were thinking right out! Here goes: I don't accept the fact that he's condescending, that's why I'm here, but like you adressed later in your message I do have self esteem issues and don't really call him out on the things he does. I guess that's a flaw of mine You know, funny thing about the fork issue, I did say: "does it really matter which way I'm holding a fork, left or right? What about people that ARE left handed?" He answered that "his brother is lefthanded but uses the fork "in the right hand" when he eats".No. Having children with others is not a crime, that's not what I was getting at at all. I meant that he makes fun of others with children and says that they've ruind their life when he himself is a father of two! That he has zero contact with! I myself, don't want children with him! Especially not after learning how disrespectful he is towards his OWN children. That's simply rude of him!Usually he's drunk every weekend. He texted me before and asked if I was "down for an after party? ;)" I didn't answer! He called three times and in between each phone call he texted: "Awake yet? :)"I don't know why I stay with him. Not after all the advice I've been given. To be honest I've been in denial. I see myself as a good person who never wishes anything bad upon anybody. I just assumed that we all have our bad days...I'm afraid to be alone. I've never really fitted in anywhere. I've moved a few times, but each time it happens again, I am out going but never manages to keep a friend. He's kind of the only one that's stayed for soon a little over six monthes. Pathetic, huh?To and to answer the last question I think you asked: I don't believe I'm getting anything out of this relationship. I only keep getting hurt really.But don't misread anything, I'm not depressed or sad in anyway! I'm just angry that I'm letting myself get treated like this just because I'm scared of being alone!Thanks again for all the replys! Thanks from the bottom of my heart! This really means a lot for me!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 June 2012):
"And something that hurt me was when I bought him a cellphone for his birthday he said that he didn't need one right to my face. And after a few days his phone died on him and he started using the one I bought and then he started complaining about what was wrong with that phone! Right in front of me!"Eh, well. He's a douche. Move on to someone better, because you do not want to be stuck with someone like this. Believe me, I know, my dad does the exact same thing as what you describe right there, so I know how it feels. He'll look at his gift, declare he doesn't need it and ask me where I got it so he can return it. Like, after two seconds of looking at the gift. So I've stopped giving him gifts. But these things suck long run. Oh, and your man is a terrible father. Don't get me started on that, or the rest of your post about him. Just leave the man before he knocks you up and then laughs at you behind your back as well. You're not experienced in the relationship department you say. That's why you think this is as good as it gets, but this guy just barely reaches the underside of OK. He's far from decent or good, and a long shot away from great or amazing. I wouldn't even settle for someone like this, I'd honestly prefer to just stay single for the rest of my life. So even though YOU lack experience, take it from someone who HAS experience: dump him and move on. There's better fish in the sea.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2012):
 Six months of dating and he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now… ok then…
Then the truth is that he wants you to be working and supporting yourself and contributing to the relationship financially and that’s fair and all well and good since he’s 33 and knows what HE wants but I assume that at 21 you are still in school and only working part time… and don’t yet have an established career…. In which case there is not much you can do but say “ok great I see your point, it’s been swell thanks for the memories” and move on… you could tell him, “hey if I’m still interested when I find a job and I am supporting myself I’ll call you”…. Because we all now how well that will go down…
You then say that while you hang out he’s condescending. Would you accept this from a man your age? Do you accept it from him because he’s OLDER?
As for the fork issue… good thing he’s not with me.. I’m left handed my fork is always in my left hand. Of course, proper people cut with the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right and then switch because they can’t manage to use the left for feeding themselves… It was a bad thing to be left handed as early as a generation before mine and children that were left handed were punished and forced to use their right hand. But then EDUCATED people would know this as well as know that it’s NOT POLITE to criticize others if it’s NOT constructive and helpful So even in his put downs he shows his lack of class and education (and that dear would have been my argument back at him but then I’m evil and love to chew up and spit out someone like that)
IF you don’t have fashion sense why is he with you? (again what I would have asked him as clearly it reflects on his lack of taste that he prefers a woman with no fashion sense)… see how you can turn it around and throw it back on him if you want?
He YELLED at you for singing a song he did not like?
WHY are you with this man??? WHAT are you getting out of this relationship???
He has secrets he doesn’t want to share with you? I’m sorry my fiancé and I share EVERYTHING… and I mean EVERYTHING… I don’t personally get relationships that have secrets…
YOU don’t trust him you said so yourself….
Having two kids with two women is not the crime of the century… as long as he is active and involved with both his children and supporting them to the best of his ability (and doing so willingly without a necessary court order) I would not hold THAT against him. I would however hold it against him that he kept it a secret from you.
He says he is never having children…so he does not know you know he has kids… great the whole relationship is based on lies… he lies about his kids to you, you spied on him and lie to him about that…
Why have you not called him on his parenthood?
Do you want kids? Why do you stay with a man who says “I don’t want kids” then? Trust me, if a person says they don’t want kids, you should listen to them and not try to change their minds.
When he asks you stuff about cars that you don’t know about look at him sweetly and say “why do you ask?” and then he can tell you can you can go from there…. IF he delights in making you look or feel foolish… tell me again why are you with him???
Honey men (no matter what age) who don’t’ call for days and call you drunk at 4 am do not respect you. They are a booty call at best… TURN YOUR PHONE off when you go to bed and do not take calls from him at all hours of the night. DO NOT get out of a warm safe bed to go meet a DRUNK man who disrespects you.
You bought him a cell phone for his birthday. He didn’t need it. He complained. Then he needed it and he still complained. Nice. I bet that’s fun to be around.
Why when he calls you at 4 am and disrupts your sleep do you worry about HIM? He should be the one apologizing to you!
You really like him… why? Oh let’s see
He’s fun to hang out with sometimes when he’s nice… but what about when he’s not nice? What about when he’s drunk (and how often is he drunk honey I live with an active alcoholic… it’s NOT fun)
He tries to make you laugh… so what?
He says you’re beautiful. I’m sure you are and I’ m sure others will see your beauty as well once you get away from this guy.
It’s hard to break up with the first boyfriend but you need to realize that this treatment is NOT how a loving caring partner treats their mate.
I think the person with LOW self esteem is you…. You stay with him and accept his abuse. He will NOT change. He is who he is.
I would like my boyfriend to be a little taller… (not really but using it as an example) that’s not happening any more than your man is going to be nice to you.
I wish you peace and joy and happiness and you stretch out and find someone who can truly make you happy full time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank everyone so much for everything! He is an idiot and I'm kidding myself if I'm going to deny that! I don't believe he will pursue because I believe he's taken me for granted. I'm not going to see him anymore!
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
And BondGirl72 I'm so sorry that happened to you, I'm glad you're not like me and called him out on it! I hope all of you have someone in your life that makes you feel happy!
We all should!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 June 2012):
I understand he is fun to hang out with and also that you want to hold onto to someone who makes you feel good. I'm just saying that sometimes, when someone starts making us feel sad, we have to re-evaluate the relationship. I wish people didn't change (or in some cases just show their true colors). There was a guy I was dating right out of college who seemed sweet until he started pulling some of these stunts. He came to my apartment at 2 a.m. (I lived on 2nd floor) and threw rocks at my window on a work night to get me up. Told me he walked 4 miles into town and wanted to come in. I told him to go away and never come near me again. Behavior like that is really disrespectful...just like the guy you're hanging out with is really disrespectful. It gets to the point where you are sitting around wondering when he is going to call or show some interest in you, and usually it is negative interest that makes you sad. You deserve someone better. You deserve someone who is respectful and kind and who will treat you nicely, not boss you around and insult you.
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A
female
reader, Sammia  +, writes (18 June 2012):
We all want to believe the good in people but he is no good. Don't be fooled by him. If you want to know if he is worth it. Stop doing things for him don't answer your phone at 4am. If he really likes you he will do everything he can to find out what is wrong. If he doesn't pursue you he doesn't care about you. Sorry but this is true. Words are just that he can tell you as much as he wants that you are beautiful. He should make you feel beautiful without even trying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again! I want to thank all of you that responded! It really meant a lot to me!
Well, I gonna be honest to bondgirl72 the reason I think it's fun to hang out with him his because is nice sometimes too, now I just listed some of the bad things. I mean he really tries to make me laugh and he says that I'm beautiful. And to be real honest I'm not experianced in the relationship department.
I don't know maybe it is because it's the first guy that ever called me beautiful that I'm feeling slightly attacted to him and maybe that's why I'm making up excuses for his behavior. But he just makes me sad to be honest. I think he has low self esteem himself because he has been treated bad by other girlfriends but I am in no way treating him bad I just think it's because I'm shy that he's using it to his advantage.But do anyone of you believe that he will change?
And besides the fact that I'm very upset by his behavior I am fine, I just wish he'd be a little nicer.
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A
male
reader, Discovery +, writes (17 June 2012):
I'll just say one thing that immediately came to mind. You're SUPPOSED to hold your fork in your left hand in the so-called fancy dinners - not right as he seems to think. Guy's a clown :P - he seems to be too stuck up in himself honestly. I'd find someone else.
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female
reader, Sammia +, writes (17 June 2012):
No you are not overreacting. Get rid of him he is using you. If he has any respect for you he would never pull you down. You don't need a job or money to be in a relationship. If you was planning on moving in together yes the financial thing would make sense, I am really sorry but he sounds like an idiot and you can do so much better. Don't let him use you you are better than that.
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female
reader, here-to-hear  +, writes (17 June 2012):
Aw, honey.
You are not over reacting. It sounds like he's really inconsiderate, mean and self-absorbed. I know you like him, but honestly I think you could find someone better. Find someone who won't degrade everything you do.
You deserve someone who will try and make themselves feel good by treating you well and showing the respect and kindness you deserve. Not someone who makes themselves feel good by insulting you and controlling you.
If you're sad about the situation then you have to change it. Make yourself happy, don't let him make you sad.
My heart goes out to you, hope you're ok.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 June 2012):
Besides the first post, have you ever been bullied? If you haven't been, you are now. He is nothing but a big bully.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 June 2012):
You really like him? For what reasons exactly? I see nothing likeable about this guy whatsoever. Does he ever compliment you? Does he ever do anything nice for you? He may be 33, but he is very immature. If he doesn't want you as a girlfriend then why is he going out/hanging out with you? If you want a good guy/serious relationship, you'd better ditch this guy fast. Some of the things he says and does are mental/emotional abuse. You need to be smart enough to recognize when someone is insulting you and putting blame on you let alone just being a downer. This guy is a major downer. I do agree that if you want to be attractive to a long-term mate, you probably need to get a job, but the other things he says to you are abusive.
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