A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts!I'm 29 years old and in an alleged relationship with a married man for the last one and a half year. It wasn't intended to happen cause we were only friends, but developed nonetheless. At first, he kept his marital status a secret from me. I came to know about it after an angry phone call from the wife. Of course, I was shattered. Then he convinced me that he's going to divorce her to stay with me. Last November, there was a huge spat between him and his wife regarding me. It was serious and his parents came in for the rescue. They met the wife's parents in December. He said that divorce has been discussed and her parents wanted time. Gradually, I could spot the wedding ring make place in his finger (since the end of December). I asked him the reason. He said it isn't his wedding ring, it's a gift from his mother! (Lol) He is in the legal sector, but this lie was outrageous and absolutely stupid! Earlier, his wife used to work long distance every one month. Since December, she has not moved anywhere! And to top it off, he took an early leave on Valentine's Day to make it to home! When asked, "My work got over early" was the reply. I've told him repeatedly to clear things out with me. If he wants to settle with the wife, he should tell me so that I can leave and start afresh. I don't intend to be his mistress anymore. I was only putting up as he promised me marriage.But still keeps on saying (until yesterday) that he is still trying for the divorce. I'm at my wits end. Told him a thousand times that I want to leave. But he begs me not to and says he loves me. I do love him, but this deception can't go on further. He must choose one and be with that person exclusively. What should I do now? I feel extremely depressed.Sorry, for a long post.
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, long distance, married man, mistress, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, liddel  +, writes (20 February 2018):
First, stop screwing other women's husbands. As soon as you knew he was married, you should have stopped, but it's not too late.
You've tied yourself to someone that legally and morally should not be available. Tell him it's finished and if he wants, he can check and see if you're still available when he has divorce degree in hand. Not moved out of the house, not divorce filed, but an actual decree.
Like someone else said, if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. That's usually true. Cheaters cheat and it's rare the pattern can be broken.
Instead of having sex with this woman's husband, you can start trying to find an honest guy, that is actually single. Stop wasting your time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2018): I'm glad you did clarify some things for me. You are also correct that no matter how astute or intellectual we feel we are in most things; the heart tends to be foolish and sometimes reckless. The important thing is to correct those things we know bring us pain and disrupts our lives.
We are not human unless we feel. We make mistakes. We need love, and sometimes we may seek it in the wrong places. I'd be lying if I said I've never done that myself. I understand.
You must handle this with finesse and work your way out of it; and you'll do that best by cutting-off contact. Contact is how he manipulates you through your feelings. He isn't the only one who may cause you problems. A scorned and vengeful wife is just as dangerous. So be vigilant but courageous. Gain control of your feelings and pull yourself out of this mess.
I wish you the very best!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're absolutely correct, WiseOwl. We both are in the same profession, but he works for a different firm. And he's been generous with recommendations and everything. I didn't know that he was married as I met him at a national conference when I newly shifted to the city (where I live now). Since we both are from the same home city and community, we kept in touch. That's how our friendship grew. I know very few people in this new city. And I already said, his wife used to work long distance and that's how he got me trapped. He NEVER wore a ring before as married men do. He might not be outrightly destructive towards my career, but I need to be a little slow and careful. I have to make great moves like becoming emotionally detached from him, changing my accommodation, phone number. He knows my office too, so I might need to end this on a good note. I reason why I wrote here because I was emotionally wrecked and baffled regarding what's going on. Because even the most logical of minds are unable to envision the truth after intense emotional issues. I have had a very bad relationship a few years back from where I had to move on and this one indeed disturbed my peace of mind.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2018): [EDIT}:
"He's not going to take a chance at going after his mistress who literally has him by the balls! How would a stain like this look on the firm's reputation? Clients would leave by the droves. If you work together, how in the world would you not have known he was a married-man? Are you being honest with us? You get the marital-status, pecking order, and credentials on all the major players before you work for a firm."
Post script:
I also work in the corporate sector. You and I both know he won't touch your career. He'd be handing you his balls on a silver platter.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2018): Come on! You know how it would play-out, if he took vengeful moves against your career. You're an attorney. My domestic-partner of 28 years was an corporate attorney. If you don't know how to watch your back; you're in the wrong game,sister!
He's not going to take a chance at going after his mistress who literally has him by the balls! How would a stain like this look on the firm's reputation? Clients would leave by the droves. If you work together, how in the world would you not have known he was married-man? Are you being honest with us? You get the marital-status and credentials on all the players before you work for a firm.
He didn't tell you he was married (so you said); and he's already got his wife contemplating a divorce. Being an adulterer, that puts the ball in her court; and if he comes after you, that's a legal case you could win for sexual-harassment and/or creating a hostile work environment. You're a lawyer, you're not that naive.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your insights.
I don't know how I got carried away and fooled into this. In fact, I lost my senses and logical frame of mind. I'm trying to move apart slowly. Cause he is kind of vengeful, can ruin my career in a jiffy. He's my senior and we both are corporate lawyers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (18 February 2018):
 You say you love him, but you obviously didn't know the real him. So knowing that, you should thank you're lucky stars that you're not his wife and move on. And even if he did leave his wife now, how could you ever trust the man?
Tell yourself that you deserve better than that.
Take care xx
...............................
A
female
reader, ALM12 +, writes (18 February 2018):
 its been a year abd a half since he told you hes getting a divorce... a year and a half.. time for you to leave him be hes playing games and stringing you along..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2018): Well, you're getting a good dose of karma, and you're learning a life-lesson at the same time.
In spite of protests from his wife, and intervention from his parents and in-laws; you insist on seeing a married-man. You have to learn to respect boundaries; and the fact you have no right to take someone who belongs to someone else. You callously ignored the pain you are causing his wife, and you have betrayed your own personal-morals and values.
For all your devotion and waiting, you get lies and drama in return. You were innocent and a victim of circumstance when you didn't know he was married. You were complicit in an adulterous affair once you did.
Why would you want a liar and a cheater for a husband? Look what he's doing to his wife. If he has children, he'd be even more of a piece of dirt.
You honestly believe he's still going to leave his wife? His in-laws and his own parents object to what he's doing. For what little I do know about Indian parents, they would sooner skin him alive than allow him to humiliate their family names and abandon his wife like a common dog.
You can keep waiting, or you can kick him to the curb and get on with your life. Oh, and keep that sweet karma pouring-in until you do the right thing. You will find no happiness with that man. He has reduced you from a lovely independent single-woman; to his mistress and lady on the side.
News flash! He has absolutely no intention of leaving his wife for you.
If she divorces him, he'll be broke. She's going to put him through the wringer. He'll be so beaten down and gun-shy from the divorce; he'd rather you put his eyes out with hot coals than marry you, or anyone else! She's got the upper-hand. He's an adulterer! Better hope he doesn't get a lady judge in divorce court! I hope his wife finds a wickedly efficient divorce-attorney!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 February 2018):
 "Told him a thousand times that I want to leave" - told him you want to leave? Why? Don't tell people, just do it. No point telling him you WANT to leave because you're not doing it.
You found out he was married. A decent person would never speak to him again, let alone allow him to convince you to continue.
He may be lying, but you know it and still stay. YOU are cheating on his wife almost as much as he is.
You may love who you thing he COULD be, but you're not IN love with each other. This isn't love, OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 February 2018):
 A very old expression but a very true one. "If he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you." Think about it. Nothing more needs to be said.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 February 2018):
 Sweetheart, your whole relationship is based on a lie; he kept his wife secret from you. You only found out he was married when his wife phoned you. If you had had any decency (or common sense) at all, you would have finished the relationship there and then. Up to that point, you did not know and were one of the innocent parties in his deception, along with his poor long suffering wife.
The fact that you find yourself still being strung along by this liar is a situation completely of your own making, because you CHOOSE to believe him (even though you know he is NOT to be trusted) and you CHOOSE to stay with him.
His wife has obviously chosen to fight for her marriage and that is her right. Of the three of you, she is the only truly innocent one.
Let's just say he does divorce her and marries you (highly unlikely but not impossible), will you feel absolutely no guilt about enabling him to treat his wife in such a callous way? And will you ever be able to trust him? You already KNOW what a liar he is so why do you think he will change? If he was going to leave his wife for you, he would have done it a long time ago. They either leave quickly or not at all. He has chosen not to leave her (and you only have his word for it that he has discussed divorce - and we already know how his word is to be believed).
This situation will continue for YEARS if you allow it, because HE is not going to divorce his wife OR let you go. I mean, why should he? The only way this is going to end is if you can find the strength to walk away and stop being his dirty little bit of the side. Surely you know you are worth more?
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (17 February 2018):
 You love a horrible manipulative cowardly cheat. Like the others said if on the extremely slim chance he leaves his wife for you (he won't) what makes you think you're so special he won't cheat? He did it to the one he chose to MARRY.
You're also participating in the deception. He has proved that he wants to have his cake and eat it for as long as possible- prolonging that through LIES to both of you. So wake up and don't go along with the lies.. you know deep down that's all they are.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (17 February 2018):
Even if he chooses you why on earth would you want to be with a man who has treated you and his poor wife so appallingly?
You say that you want him to tell you what his choice is, so that you can move on. But you need to understand that this isn’t going to happen because he is too cowardly. So, you must be sensible and make the choice; that choice should be to run for the hills and have nothing to do with him. Listen to Honeypie because she is right in all she says in her answer.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 February 2018):
 OP,
You know he has NO problem lying to you, You know he is married, the WIFE know he has been seeing you - SHE even had the ability to CALL you! Which means HE gave her your number or she has access to his phone....
REGARDLESS, OP
YOU should let him go. He will NOT leave his wife for you.
You say "He must choose one and be with that person exclusively." THAT is what YOU want, obviously not what he wants. JUST because you WANT that doesn't mean he will comply.
How do you think his family will look at you if he DID get divorced? How would YOUR family look at you when they heard you are a "home-wrecker"?
And lastly, OP - if he is willing to CHEAT on his wife with you, LIE to her face AND yours... do you really think he would be faithful to you if he DID divorce her?
YOU can't trust this man any further than you can throw him. He is deceitful, dishonest, and quite frankly.. full of crap.
Why wait for HIM to make a choice between her and you? WHY not have some self-respect and just MAKE that choice yourself? He is NOT going to be a better husband to you than he has been to her. Is that REALLY the kind of man you want?
Think about it. And about your own actions too because YOU are not blameless either. When the WIFE called you you can no longer pull the "but he lied about being married to me" excuse. Because when SHE called you, YOU knew he was married and should have walked away RIGHT then and there.
Is that the kind of woman you want to be? Is that how you want to be known?
If I were you, I would end it. Change my phone number and love on. There is NO happy ending in all this. He is NOT going to ride off into the sunset with you and make you happy. You already KNOW that you can't trust him. Being married DOESN'T alter that. He will STILL be a deceitful liar, who had no qualms in making you a mistress and tarnish YOUR reputation.
He doesn't sound like a keeper or husband material.
...............................
|
