A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have cheated on my fiance several times,he had an idea, but as nothing was admitted or had been confirmed was thinking he just may have got it wrong. Well thats how it seemed. Last week he walked in and showed me a text he`d been sent with the names of some and a couple with their numbers. It now points to my so called friend as the names of them and what is written ties in to the 3 names,she is who i was with at the times. Why has she done it? What makes people enjoy breaking up relationships? He walked in looking serious,of course I denied,but he`d made contact with the numbers pretending to be me and the guys I slept with now know it was him but have done nothing except tell him that I was easy and told him I was just a f***k. One knew about him but lied saying I said I was single. Why has she used another number,its never on when he tried to call it,it has got to be her but why? I love him more than the air that I breath and almost 4 years of good times he so easily walks out. I was drunk when I cheated and stayed in touch with one but I NEVER WENT TO MEET HIM AFTER THE NIGHT,HE JUST PAID ME COMPLIMENTS. Could it be my fiance should have paid me more and have been driven? My fiance became boring after he lost his job and never took me anywhere. How do I tell him I am sorry when he is showing so much hate for me,wont an even answer his phone? I just wanted to feel desirable and he never told me how good I look. I know he must still love me,you dont just stop loving someone like that.Most of all the guys I slept with have made me feel so cheap and used,and my so called friend WHY? It hurts. She denies it constantly but it has got to be her.I want my fiance back,no one could ever replace him. Last night she went out without even asking me,which shows guilt. All i want to see is things to turn around on her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): "What makes people enjoy breaking up relationships?"Your relationship was abusive. You were the abuser. The "friend" probably figured that someone needed to give the abused person a chance to get out of that abuse, or at least know what they were dealing with.Get a counselor, work on yourself, figure out why you would do this to another person.Do you have any idea how terrible this makes the betrayed person feel? Really? If you do, then don't do it, if you don't then perhaps you need a counselor to help you understand what you did to him."My fiance became boring after he lost his job and never took me anywhere."He could have been boring because he had a job and had to work to support himself and couldn't afford to take you anywhere. Lots of excuses to cheat, no good reasons.BTW, guys who have sex with women who are attached to another man just eat it up, because they get the ego trip of putting another one over on the other guy....like beating them up or trashing them in public. You helped do that to him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): Stop blaming everyone. Dammit stop blaming your friend.Stop trying to extract revenge against your friend.You had sex with all these other men because you wanted to. You craved the excitement , the illicit, the forbidden. You got it. Why cry now because your bf caught you.Glad your game is up. Glad you cannot hurt your bf anymore. Glad your friend has moved on.Everything you have touched, you have tainted, you have destroyed.Leave your bf alone. He deserves better.Now wouldn't this be something if your ex bf and your ex friend hooked up? Now that would be telling wouldn't it.Stop blaming everyone for the mess you have made. Accept responsibility for your actions.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You was engaged 4 years,no wedding? Well no man spends that many years with a woman unless he wants her as part of his future. The reason you never married suggests he`d got bits on you already and may not be in as much shock as believed,and I bet he now knows it was the best thing he never did in his life. No bloke spends all those years for the sake of passing time. Its because he wanted to be with you as man and wife. Something stopped him from marrying you. He saw this coming,wanted to be wrong,but knew he wasnt. He investigated it before even telling you,so, he knew you would lie. That alone sounds like it was familiar territory,otherwise his normal reaction would be telling you first,it would be automatic to ask you first what the hell it is about,who are the names,who would have sent it etc. I think he`d heard it before,,except this time he wanted real answers he knew wouldnt come from you. You will be very lucky if he came back,he is probably feeling more at peace that he may not even notice any hurt.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (23 January 2011):
I have difficulty knowing that you love your man,sleep next to him,was you having sex together soon after,especialy oral? I fail in understanding how you could behave like nothing had happened. He is going to have a lot of questions rolling his thought. If you think that he wont stop loving,well sometimes if you do bad enough to someone it can kill love and feeling.By telling yourself he is at fault,did you also say it to him? That would be worse than laughing in his face. You dont seem to be able to understand how bad you are.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 January 2011):
 hi
you say your fiancé wouldn't stop loving you like that; don't be so sure! what you have done is really sickening, i hope you can realise that, it sickens your fiancé and hurts him beyond your comprehension and it is likely that your behaviour sickened your friend and she wanted to put a stop to you (if she is the one who has exposed you)
you cannot justify your actions by saying its your fiancés fault because he did not take you anywhere or give you compliments. real life is not all about wining and dining and romance. you are supposed to be in a committed relationship. do you know what this means? it means supporting each other, being the very last person in the world that would intentionally hurt your partner, respecting each other, understanding (or trying to understand each other) being committed to talk about things with each other that are bothering you, not just bail out and get a convenient bit of pseudo-affection from other men.
you probably think i am being mega-harsh here. i really don't mean to be coz i know that you must be feeling bad enough now that all your wrong-doings have been uncovered.
your fiancé may never feel able to take you back so be prepared for that, whether you manage to get him or someone new in the future, consider your actions very very carefully to avoid this nightmare scenario happening again. if your cheating always occurs when you are drunk (but to be honest i do not see 'drunk' as a legitimate excuse!)then i would strongly advise you stick to soft drinks when you are out! get some help with your low esteem so that you do not feel the need to go wherever the compliments are. as you know compliments are just words, they don't have to be genuine, as long as they do the job that these men intended them to do, which is fast track you into bed
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You may have a better chance of winning the lotto. This is the time when the shit does hit the fan. He will be likely to be finding out now ,just what every one except him knew about.Your friend may have been driven by you abusing a life what she has always wanted,yes a bit of jealousy maybe,you have lost the lot really,or is it tat you have no one to cheat on that is poking you in the ribs? You may be suprised to find out he always had a feeling something wasnt right about you. You may say 4 years of good times,but he wont.
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A
female
reader, The_truth_hurts_OK  +, writes (23 January 2011):
If, as you say you, "love him more than the air that [you] breath," then you wouldn't have cheated on him. If you care at all about him, you will tell him the truth. Guys aren't stupid mindless sex machines - they are people like us. If you are still not ready to commit (your mind AND body), then move on and spare him the grief!
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A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (23 January 2011):
Your friend did a good thing. I know you've come here to be reassured that what you did was okay, but frankly, it wasn't. I have cheated on a boyfriend before and I regret it to this day... The difference was, we have been together less than a month and I did not love him at the time. As soon as I did it I told him and broke it off with him. If I could do that to it, I obviously didn't love him.After 4 years together, however, that kind of behavior is absolutely inexcusable. Your fiance deserves much better than you.Perhaps you would be better off with one of the men you cheated with.Stop blaming your friend for the fact that you are a cheater. He was bound to find out anyway and I'm just pleased he didn't have to go through the trauma of marrying you before he did so.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (23 January 2011):
Are you kidding us? You're engaged but sleeping around, and you want to know how to get your fiance back? "The guys [you] slept with have made [you] feel so cheap..."? That's because you are cheap. Now you don't like the fit of the shoe you're wearing. Give me a break. If I were your fiance I'd run away from you as if my hair were on fire. Go get counseling already and try to get your head straight so that you won't continue doing these utterly ridiculous and hurtful things to yourself and others.
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (23 January 2011):
 Easy to blame somebody else when its you thats behaved badly isnt it? Stop kidding yourself - you are simply getting what you deserve.
If you can forget your frend who blew the whistle on you for a second, consider this....how would you feel if you found that your fiance had cheated on you as much as you have cheated on him? Would you be satisfied with him saying "oh it was nothing I was just drunk...." of course you wouldnt!
Your friends motives for spilling the beans could just be the fact that she has come to her senses and realises that youve treated your man like something you trod on in the street - there really are some decent people in the world, trust me on that.
As for wanting him back, do you really think youre good for him? You lie to him and you cheat on him, if you truly love him, let him go and find somebody who is worthy of his love.
Seriously sweetheart, we all make mistakes and perhaps a single drunken mistake could be excused but you seem to be a serial cheat. Go and sort that before you even think about settling down with anyone.
Have I upset you? Perhaps. The truth is the truth though I`m afraid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): “Lady, I'm sorry, but you are unbelievable. For heavens' sake, take some responsibility for YOUR behavior, and stop blaming everyone else!”
I agree. You are the one who cheated on your fiance not your friend or anyone else. You're the one who destroyed the relationship. Your friend shouldn't have done this but it doesn't change what you did. I would guess she is interested in your bf so she's probably not much of a friend anyway.
When someone you love loses a job or goes through other difficult life events you should be there for them. Instead you decided that your narcissistic needs were not being met now and you cheated to make yourself feel better.
It backfired because these men didn't make you feel better and now you've probably lost someone who really loved you and who you loved.
I think it's a long road to getting your fiance back if it's possible.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (23 January 2011):
 You say "why has she done it? What makes people enjoy breaking up relationships?"
Now just wait a minute! You are blaming your friend for blowing the whistle to your fiance about the men you had sex with when you were (supposedly) in a monogamous, committed relationship with him! Not that this makes it any better, but you cheated not just with one man, but with several.
What about YOUR part in breaking up your relationship, eh? What about THAT?! And to think you're telling us you "love him more than the air you breathe." REALLY? You could have fooled me!
Furthermore, you say that after he lost his job he became boring and never took you anywhere. You seem to have no - or precious little - understanding of how he must have felt when his job went down the drain; you were only thinking about how YOU felt, not even trying to put yourself in his shoes. You ask how he can stop loving you. What do you expect after the way you behaved - and lied about it to his face?
Anyway, why were you engaged for four years and still not married? Were there problems (emotional/financial) that prevented the wedding taking place?
You finish by telling us that "last night she (your friend, I suppose you mean) went out without even asking me, which shows guilt. I just want to see things turn around on her."
Lady, I'm sorry, but you are unbelievable. For heavens' sake, take some responsibility for YOUR behavior, and stop blaming everyone else!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You cheated on him! There are no excuses, drunk or sober. By cheating on him, you ran the risk of him leaving you. He saved his dignity by doing so. If you loved him so much, you shouldn't have made that mistake. Let him move on. Find someone else or stay single. Frankly, you're not worth his time, and you need to find someone who keeps your interest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You're crazy. You cheated on your fiancee. Clearly you didn't respect him enough to be faithful. I don't see how you get away with blaming your friend for breaking up your relationship -- you broke it up . Somehow you manage to maintain a sense of entitlement and in your post, you simultaneously blame your fiancee and your friend and not yourself, even though you're the only one who did anything objectively wrong. Face it -- you aren't getting your fiancee back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): firstly,she may have told someone else. also,has she ever shown jealousy over your relationship? a dislike towards him? said negative things about him? if she has then its possible she herself wants him,this will show in the near future. as for everything else,theres nothing you can do. you would have known what the outcome of being caught cheating would be. you cant do anything,and in future it may be better to choose who you cheat with more wisely,as it shows just what they think of you too. it may prove very difficult to get any support over this one, and wonder just how much you thought about your EX whilst happily being used. you may find he never comes back.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous Mouse +, writes (23 January 2011):
 people who act the way you did and blaming your friend and fiance, can be compared to a child that throw a tantrum. not to be mean, but you words and behavior sounds like you need to grow up. maybe its best if youa re not in any relationship until you learn about what you want in life. your fiance needs to find another woman that understands what it means to be in a relationship. and at that time, no one has to pretend and be sneeky. Its very childliek adn immature if you would act out the way you did because you think maybe he was not giving you the attention you thought was missing. please, require more of yourself and be a grown up individual. too many gu
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): I don't think you should be mad with your friend.If you have been serially cheating on your fiance, I'm guessing deep down (Or in an OBVIOUS way), you're not really ready for a relationship. If you were in love, committed, and sure about your choice in a mate then you would not have this compulsive urge to be unfaithful, not to mention that you never fessed up to it. A relationship without honesty in addition to infidelity will NEVER last. A relationship shouldn't be based on him taking you out, he is your fiance, and you should enjoy your company, not how much he buys you or shows you off. Even if your drunk, you wouldn't do something that is not completely different from your personality. He should not answer his phone after what you did. If you want to be engaged, meaning monogamous, then do that, do not cheat and use self control. You do not deserve this man if you cannot be faithful. Even if you somehow got him back, your relationship would just be him thinking you are going to cheat again. If you really loved him your actions would show it, and you need to take responsibility. You cheated, whether your friend told him or not, it was your action and he probably could have found out, or even better you should have been honest and told him. It hurts even more when you find out someone has betrayed you and not fessed up, keeping things secret just shows how long you have lied and brings up more problems. It would have been better to tell him right away of your mistake, and maybe them you would have had some small chance of him forgiving you, but after betraying him so many times and for so long, you should not and probably will not get him back. You deserved to have this turned around on you, your friend probably felt badly for this poor guy that you were cheating on. Relationships have ebbs and flows, and just because he took a job (Which is actually admirable) and was maybe just worn down (In which case you should have comforted him) does not give you a reason to be unfaithful. The world does not revolve around you.
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