A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Lately, whenever we have sex, he cums a little and then says he is close to a "big one" and to play with him (i.e. jack him off, lick him, etc) until he's close and then he'll either cum inside of me or just cum. He seems to be in the mind set that since "I got mine" (i.e cum) that there shouldn't be a problem of ending sex with masturbation. How much of that could be related to masturbating while he watches computer porn? He watches it when I'm not home; he says to relieve stress. I've told him that I think his habit is affecting us but he doesn't want to hear it; he says that he thinks it's his medicine or life stresses. Finally, it's so frustrating because we mesh so well otherwise. Any thoughts or comments or questions are welcomed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe've talked. a lot of the issue is that his mind is racing and stress. we are trying some different things (i.e. more foreplay, stopping and then continuing after some rest) that seem to be making a differnce. Thanks to all for their respones and for just the chance for me to talk/think.
A
female
reader, clobear  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 you dont need to think of porn as a bad thing, if he enjoys it so much, ask him if you could watch it with him, see what turns him on alot, and try acting it out with him. keep him on his toes and he wont be able to get enough.
instead of watching porn when your out, he wont be able to wait till you get back to do something exciting with you.
good luck , luv chloe x x
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Perhaps if he teaches you how to give a hand job with the pressure and rhythm that he prefers, you wouldn't feel left out of his pleasure. It's the sharing that makes it sex. Otherwise it's just masturbation, and most people do that in addition to their sex life with their partner regularly as well. It sounds like you are both putting a lot of effort into making your relationship work, good for you.
With respect, I would suggest an intimate conversation instead of a letter. Part of the conversation is missing because it's one sided and you can't ask questions, and a lot of subtle signs can be missed without tone, nuance, delivery and eye-contact. Letters don't go away if they aren't well received, and putting something in hard print can be a mistake. I always write it out, and then either throw it away and talk to the person. It's very cathartic, writing. Delivering, not so much! Just thought I'd mention it because of some incidents that didn't go well in my past... Good Luck with Everything, Hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thank you. I've gotten a lot of good information that helps put words to what I am feeling. Just a few clarifications: he is my husband, this is both of our second marriages (We had issues in our previous marriages that we are trying very hard not to repeat.), we've known each other since Fall 2005 and got married Dec 2006. I want the closeness of sex and not the feeling that it's a count of orgasms. In a relationship where we mesh pretty well, there are only a few issues where we are learning and working through our differences they happen to be the normal money, kids, and now I guess I can add sex. I think we will get through it once we actually talk about it. It's starting the talking - I will probably write him a letter to help start the conversation. I'll keep y'all informed.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 I think Lazy Guy hit the nail when he said that he didn't know why her partner's masturbation bothered her.
Like Birdy said, and I quote her, "The holding on to each other and sharing the intimacy of the release is part of the bonding of sex". Indeed. I think this could be one explanation of why the partner's (husband's, whatever's) masturbation bothers the poster. However, I suspect that there's more to it: the fact that he ends his intercourse with masturbation (which is "no intercourse") might be interpreted as preferring masturbation over sex with her.
We don't really know if the guy does this because he copies what he sees in porn, or because he's a little insensitive down there and prefers masturbation, or because he simply prefers masturbation. But it is a problem, like the rest of the people have said, and it should be addressed. Speaking clearly about it would be best, I guess.
I did notice something. The man says that, since the poster already had an orgasm, then she doesn't have to care how he has his. This is what we know as "madrugar", that is, to attack first. This might be the way he intends to deal with this problem. However, poster, you still need to try to talk to him.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 It might be two things, first that as you say, porn seems obsessed with ending sex this way. Part of it is to show the guy really has climaxed, that the sex is "real".
Another reason is that porn stars need to have staying power, they become de-sensitized to the stimulation of intercourse and so can only come through rather heavy masturbation.
This may affect your boyfriend as well, if he jacks off too roughly the stimulation from your vagina might not be enough anymore.
What you leave out is why it upsets you, I know that some women would resent it because it makes them feel like a hooker/porn star but also because they want the closeness of regular sex/climax, not this grandstanding.
If the stimulation is not enough, then that is easy to fix, he just needs to stop masturbating until his body re-adjusts.
The only real advice is to talk to him and let him know how this makes you feel.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): I can relate to needing to masturbate after sex and for me it has nothing to do with porn or habits but just that I feel like more and want to cum again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. It helps to hear others' perspectives and insights. I don't want to be on either extreme of 1) not protecting myself/downplaying my feelings to 2) jumping all over him. I have a lot to think about. Keep sending responses. Again, thank you.
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Hi there,
I guess for a lot of couples this wouldnt be a problem at all. My partner would not care either way.
But it is a problem for you so it needs to be addressed. You obviously value the intimacy of bringing your partner to orgasm through sex and there is nothing wrong with this at all.
But the fact remains it is difficult for your partner to orgasm without stimulation from hand/mouth.
The masturbation could definitely have something to do with this. You can't stop a guy from masturbating but if he masturbates all the time to porn then it will affect his lovemaking. For a lot of guys the more lubricated his partner gets during sex can make it harder to cum due to the lack of friction on the penis.
So if having him cum through vaginal sex is important to so you need to open up the communication lines over this. Ask him what you can do to make it easier for him to cum while he is making love, otherwise it is going to be a hard habit to break.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): It could be just the technique he prefers. He could have made an adjustment from a past situation and this is how he deals with it today.
Why people do things is hard to determine, there is so much involved with a persons past that mold him/her.
It seems like he has a racing mind. Many things going on, maybe stress, maybe the lingering past effects still present but now unknown to him.
I believe though, maybe incorrectly, that people do things, like watching porn, as an escape from something in their past that they were unable to cope with. After we have healed from past hurt, we compensate. How we come to this compensation is from the overly imaginative mind, left unchecked, we practice something we fall into and because it feels good, we keep it.
We all have a tendency to forget our past feelings, that we have compensated for them as a self protection, we don't realize how this may affect others, and if asked why we do this, we can't answer because we have disconnect from the past.
Talking to him maybe pointless, he may show a defensiveness (because he has covered up and forgotten the past).
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 April 2008):
I can see that if this happened all the time, it wouldn't feel like the two of you were having sex with each other properly. I would think that either vaginal or oral orgasm should be the end goal when you are with your partner, after all, you can cum all by yourself in the shower anytime you want too! If you came every single time by masturbating, would he be pleased? Part of the goal is giving pleasure TO your spouse.
I would talk it over with him and tell him that this doesn't "feel" right to you and that it is putting some distance between the two of you inside your sex life. Anything that affect your sex life starts to affect how you feel about each other outside the bedroom too. The holding on to each other and sharing the intimacy of the release is part of the bonding of sex. I don't think that you are wrong in how you are reacting, this would make me feel a bit left out too. Sex can be the glue that holds a relationship together when times are tough, it's important not to let the quality slip away if you can do something about it. Talk with him and ask how you can improve the situation. Ask him if there is anything else that he wants, that will bring the focus back to being together! As they used to say in the Victorian era, Just don't do anything on the streets that would frighten the horses...
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reader, MissKin +, writes (9 April 2008):
 I'm not sure i really see a problem. Do you not like this method of ending sex? If you're pleasured/satisfied, does it really matter so much what method he enjoys most to 'finish up'?
I can see why you would relate this to porn but perhaps he just prefers that method of stimulation or maybe he likes it varied. I'm not sure. I'm not sure why it should be considered a problem either. All guys watch porn (well that's a bit of a generalisation, but still) and a lot of girls do too. At least he's watching porn to relieve 'stress' and not doing other things to reliece stress.
Why does it bother you so much?
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reader, yoginipirate +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Alot could be related to the frequency of his private computer sessions. Just like women using a vibrator all the time, you become less sensitive & harder to get off. Do you consider fellatio to be masturbation? Are you frustrated because he doesn't come during straight sex. Alot of people don't. But can't he do you to relieve life's stresses. A little decrease in hand time wouldn't hurt & if it's that big of a deal for him, he might have bigger probs than you can help him with. Sounds like you're also a bit uncomfortable with activities other than vanilla sex, is he adventurous with you? Or just about getting off?
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